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No longer attracted to my girlfriend

nails1

My girlfriend has gained a lot of weight over the past year and I find myself less and less attracted to her. I no longer wish to have sex with her but still love her which I don't think she realises. Am I best to tell her about how I truly feel or does this sound selfish?

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Wibbs

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Hypothetical healthy man still won't get a date though because life wants to bite him in the butthole.

Dunno about that. I got laid waaaay more in my forties than I did in my twenties. The thirties were the peak, particularly late 30's and the ladies in question weren't "my age" either. Basically my 40 year old self would utterly blow my 20 year old self out of the water as far as dating and such. It would be like bringing a cannon to a fist fight. Seriously guys out there who are say 20 and getting nada and feeling bad. Give it time, don't blob up, stay healthy, get a career and lifestyle going and stay social and if you find yourself single at 35, your options and choices open up to a degree you would simply not believe at 20. It's like a polar opposite reality.

I quite like the oul chocolate myself. Just not an entire Cadbury's truck's worth of it.

valoren

It's encouraging that nice people can lose weight.
It's depressing that aassholes can't lose units of asshole

Littlekittylou

Shabra wrote: »

I'm not sure what you're saying.

Guy goes to gym everyday for years to be more attractive....women still won't date him.

Girl goes to gym every day ...guys still won't date her...cuz she is an annoying shallow gym bunny...

Irony...sort of

It happens.

It's not a garantee of being more attractive.

Littlekittylou

valoren wrote: »

It's encouraging that nice people can lose weight.
It's depressing that aassholes can't lose units of asshole

BRILLIANT!

Littlekittylou

Wibbs wrote: »

I got laid waaaay more in my forties than I did in my twenties. The thirties were the peak, particularly late 30's and the ladies in question weren't "my age" either. Basically my 40 year old self would utterly blow my 20 year old self out of the water as far as dating and such. It would be like bringing a cannon to a fist fight.

Fair play wibbs!

Littlekittylou

steddyeddy wrote: »

Where's the comparison between gay men and women there?

Ok here.

A more recent article published in 1999, by Lakkis, Ricciardelli and Williams, announced slightly different findings. They agree with the earlier research that states that homosexual men are more likely to suffer from body dissatisfaction and dietary restraint, but they found that homosexual women scored lower than heterosexual women on these same areas.
The reason for their findings is that they took a slightly different approach to their research. They administered tests to 266 participants, heterosexual and homosexual, male and female. They measured negative and positive gender traits, body dissatisfaction, the drive for thinness, dietary restraint, and bulimic symptoms. However, the differences in their results as compared to other studies were due to one other factor. While past studies had examined the relationship between body image and sexual orientation, this study looked at the relationship between sexual orientation and gender- related personality traits. In other words, they looked at the role of gender related personality traits or dimensions of masculinity and femininity. Their article says, "Gender traits are viewed as highly pertinent in the study of disordered eating because they provide one of the ways for studying the sociocultural context underlying disordered eating. Specifically, gender traits reflect stereotypes about the beliefs and behaviors typically attributed to men and women, which are acquired as they learn about the world and their roles in it."
They measured the dimensions of masculinity and femininity and compared these findings to the findings about body image. They discovered that in this study, lesbians scored significantly lower than the heterosexual women on all the disordered eating measures, body dissatisfaction, drive for thinness, and bulimia. However, it is important to note that regardless of the person�s sexual orientation, higher scores on the negative femininity scale correlated with higher scores on disordered eating. The phrase negative femininity is associated with negative, stereotypical, feminine behaviors such as passivity, dependence, submission, and lower self-esteem.

Shabra

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Guy goes to gym everyday for years to be more attractive....women still won't date him.

Girl goes to gym every day ...guys still won't date her...cuz she is an annoying shallow gym bunny...

Irony...sort of

It happens.

It's not a garantee of being more attractive.

Well for men I'd argue that status and personality are more important than looks at attracting women.

Littlekittylou

steddyeddy wrote: »

Where's the comparison between gay men and women there?

Also here.

https://books.google.ie/books?id=MHvJAwAAQBAJ&lpg=PA45&ots=3Sgr8ARc7R&dq=gay%20men%20studies%20body%20image%20straight%20women%20lesbians&pg=PA45#v=onepage&q=gay%20men%20studies%20body%20image%20straight%20women%20lesbians&f=false

several studies over the last decade have examined examined body image studies amongst gay males, lesbians, straight males and straight females. Of all four groups gay males report highest levels or body image dissatisfaction. (Strong Singh & Randall 2000)

Littlekittylou

Shabra wrote: »

Well for men I'd argue that status and personality are more important than looks at attracting women.

Also whether or not they can waggle their ears.

Fukuyama

Wibbs wrote: »

Dunno about that. I got laid waaaay more in my forties than I did in my twenties. The thirties were the peak, particularly late 30's and the ladies in question weren't "my age" either. Basically my 40 year old self would utterly blow my 20 year old self out of the water as far as dating and such. It would be like bringing a cannon to a fist fight. Seriously guys out there who are say 20 and getting nada and feeling bad. Give it time, don't blob up, stay healthy, get a career and lifestyle going and stay social and if you find yourself single at 35, your options and choices open up to a degree you would simply not believe at 20. It's like a polar opposite reality.

I quite like the oul chocolate myself. Just not an entire Cadbury's truck's worth of it.

I'm banking on this tidal wave in my 30s. :P

Littlekittylou

Dean0088 wrote: »

I'm banking on this tidal wave in my 30s. :P

SURF'S UP!:D

lorenzo87

If you loved her, weight wouldn't be much of an issue, so clearly you don't.

Tarzana2

Dean0088 wrote: »

What's you opinion on it?

You seem to think people should just fall apart at 25 because they'll never look 20 again.

Read back and you'll see I never said that.

the_syco

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH it's why I have little sympathy for men who whine about getting old in their 30's and yep I've heard a few muppets express that at that age.

Some people think 30 is old? Jaysus. They just haven't lived! I'm 33, and can still party fairly hard.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

ok

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15554772

From the link

Contrary to our hypotheses, gay men did not differ significantly from heterosexual men on measures of body image.

I suggest you get better studies.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Guy goes to gym everyday for years to be more attractive....women still won't date him.

Girl goes to gym every day ...guys still won't date her...cuz she is an annoying shallow gym bunny...

Women say that they like "muscle", but usually mean toned body with some lean muscle, and not overly ripped muscleman.

Girl goes to the gym everyday, but some men are intimidated by stronger women.

In both situations they are going to the gym to get fit, but somewhere along the way the sort of people who like them changes. If they know this, fine, if not, the part of your quote that I took becomes true.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Also here.

https://books.google.ie/books?id=MHvJAwAAQBAJ&lpg=PA45&ots=3Sgr8ARc7R&dq=gay%20men%20studies%20body%20image%20straight%20women%20lesbians&pg=PA45#v=onepage&q=gay%20men%20studies%20body%20image%20straight%20women%20lesbians&f=false

The title of the book is "Gay Men Living with Chronic Illnesses and Disabilities", and the part you linked to blames the unhappiness with their bodies due to not being buff enough

As a reuslt, it is believed that gay men and straight women strive to conform to male images of beauty in order to find partners for sex and romance.

The search "gay men studies body image straight women lesbians" is an example of conformational basis, although it's a better study than your last link.

lorenzo87 wrote: »

If you loved her, weight wouldn't be much of an issue, so clearly you don't.

Depends on much weight. Letting oneself go dramatically over a short space of time could also be seen as her taking her partner for granted.

PhilBill

This thread has been going on way too long. Either dump her or just tell her out and out that you think she's gained weight. F' me it's not that hard to be honest with someone. For all people who have commented on this thread either make a joke about his chubby GF or tell him to dump her. If he has not got the balls to say it to her and post a thread on a forum about her then the poor girl is losing time in finding the person she is going to be with for the rest of her life.

Tarzana2

Shabra wrote: »

For men that it is quite often the case assuming that they look after their health and their hair doesn't fall out.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eeGNhmZBQLk/T753OksLlqI/AAAAAAAABPI/g3jjMGpkusw/s1600/jennifer-lawrence.gif

Wibbs

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Fair play wibbs!

Well... yes and no LKL.... At 20 I was a crosseyed gobshíte when it came to the ladies, so any improvement would have been notable.

I'd agree with Tarzana(I think it was) who is dubious of celeb types and surgery. Doesn't even have to be surgery. Especially for men. Men are allowed to age more in our culture(and I would argue biologically too*), so wrinkles and grey hair within a certain range aren't the issue they would be for women, especially women in the public eye. Men also have an advantage that their lifetime hormonal and fertility levels are far less age related compared to women**.

So older men can get hormonal "top ups" replacement therapy as it were to mirror their younger hormonal profiles. Indeed in the US, in certain states, this is quite legal. 50 year old goes to the quack, said quack diagnoses "male menopause" and fills out a script for testosterone injections and patches and human growth hormone and voila, pretty big changes can come from that. The aforementioned Stallone was quite recently caught with enough HGH to turn pygmies into basketball players. Robbie Williams actually came out and said he was on hormone replacement therapy and it made a big diff. Fair play to BOb, he did admit it. There are more than a few Hollywood dudes I could point to who I'd bet the farm were on such "therapies". I actually know a chap in the US who at the age of 49 went to the docs and complained about general tiredness, lack of horniness etc and he ended up on such a regime(cheap it is not). The changes have been notable. I've seen it face to face. The test made him horny.:) and the weight fell off him, but the growth hormone really made the difference. His skin lost a decade and energy levels and the like went right up. He just looks better, much better. I say fair play, but god knows what the long term issues may be.

*men remain fertile throughout life and can father children well into their 70's and even beyond, so clearly nature selected for this. Probably because older men would have more resources and local knowledge so were still a good bet for younger fertile women. Hence some age related changes like wrinkles were allowed for, even sought out. For some reason women go through a menopause, unique AFAIR in the great apes. There must have been some evolutionary pressure for that too. But it meant that women, as far as pure fertility goes had a "sell by date", but clearly still had high value beyond that date or women would be dropping off the twig at 50. Interesting human males also lost the penis bone and got the biggest willies in the great apes, so women were selecting for that from way back. IMH as a way to judge physical fitness outside of calendar age. IE if he can get it up and do the deed he's still fit enough hormonally and physically to father kids and keep bringing in the bacon.

** there was a study a few years back that suggested that men also had a "menopause" and their fertility and viability dropped at about the same age was women. However when others looked at the study they noted something that should have been obvious. The original study was looking at the fertility rates of couples where the woman was around the same age as the man. When they looked at age gap couples the picture radically changed. Basically for healthy men and women, the age of the mother was the biggest influence on fertility by far. So much so that sperm banks across Europe upped the age limit for male donors to 50-55.

Fukuyama

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Read back and you'll see I never said that.

Why muddy the water so much then?

PhilBill

Wibbs wrote: »

No, sorry PB, maybe you're getting confused here. I have a mind and a memory and can call on both to bring forth relevant information and I could do it before google was around and can do it now.

Ouch. Saucer of milk to Ed's table.

30'000+ posts.. Mod of Sex and Sexuality and Mod of The Gentlemen's Club.. Hmmmm Someone who has so much time to post about relationship problems on here and Moderates two forums basically about sex... Just hmmm

Wibbs

And ex mod of Personal Issues and the Ladies Lounge. Make of that what you will... Oh and watches. I do like my watches. Dunno what to make of that last one TBH.

Daenarys

PhilBill wrote: »

This thread has been going on way too long. Either dump her or just tell her out and out that you think she's gained weight. F' me it's not that hard to be honest with someone. For all people who have commented on this thread either make a joke about his chubby GF or tell him to dump her. If he has not got the balls to say it to her and post a thread on a forum about her then the poor girl is losing time in finding the person she is going to be with for the rest of her life.

OP did speak to his girlfriend, he posted an update a couple of days ago.

Post #252

PhilBill

Daenarys wrote: »

OP did speak to his girlfriend, he posted an update a couple of days ago.

Post #252

I'm guessing I missed that and would you believe I had a great joke about him being hard as nails!

Shabra

Robert Downey Jr is a fairly good example, look at him at 20 vs 40 years old.

TheBeardedLady

As others have said, I'd be wary of using famous people as examples of well-preserved older people because I'm sure virtually all of them go down the surgery root. Not really fair when you're talking about us mere mortals.

Tarzana2

Shabra wrote: »

Robert Downey Jr is a fairly good example, look at him at 20 vs 40 years old.

Weird Science era Robert Downey Jr was gorgeous!

Shabra

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Weird Science era Robert Downey Jr was gorgeous!

And still gorgeous at 40. He'd find it easier to attract women at 40 than 20, fame and wealth aside.

Gary Lineker is another example, at 40 he's going to attract more women that at 20 fame and wealth aside. I'd say men at 40 are more attractive than at 20 most of the time assuming they have treated their bodies well and their hair hasn't fallen out.

Tarzana2

Shabra wrote: »

And still gorgeous at 40. He'd find it easier to attract women at 40 than 20, fame and wealth aside.

Better though, is debatable.

And, no, you can't push the ol' wealth and fame aside there and make that statement. They're kinda important, as I'm sure you well know.

Again, people need to stop using celebs as examples, it's flawed for various reasons.

Ewww, Gary Lineker. If he didn't have money, no way would the women he attracted stick around. You simply can't discount fame and money like that.

Shabra

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Better though, is debatable.

And, no, you can't push the ol' wealth and fame aside there and make that statement. They're kinda important, as I'm sure you well know.

Again, people need to stop using celebs as examples, it's flawed for various reasons.

Well I could name people I know but don't think they'd appreciate me posting pics here.

In terms of a man's body, it'seems not even debatable, most men should be able to have a similar body or better at 40 if they look after their health. Building muscle is slow, that's why most bodybuilder champions would be 30 or over.

Facially of course you can't hide two decades of aging, but for men I find that a slightly aged face is more attractive than a fresh faced 20 year old. Again assuming their health is maintained.

In terms of the overall package I'd say a man becomes his most attractive assuming health maintained usually in their late thirties, with women it's probably early to mid twenties.

At 30 I think I can attract women of most ages better than at 20. I can attract 20 year old better now, 30, 35, 40 year old better now. I'very no experience of trying to attract pensioners but I'd guess I'don't be in with a better shot.

Tarzana2

Shabra wrote: »

In terms of the overall package I'd say a man becomes his most attractive assuming health maintained usually in their late thirties, with women it's probably early to mid twenties.

Taking in money and social status, yes, body and face alone? Nope! Unless you are bisexual, I don't think you presume to say what women facially find more attractive.

Shabra

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Taking in money and social status, yes, body and face alone? Nope! Unless you are bisexual, I don't think you presume to say what women facially find more attractive.

Even without money and status the personality of a 40 year old would help too, in terms of looks I'd say women would find 40 year old better looking.

Jose Mourinho is an example of a man who hasn't had plastic surgery and looks much sexier at 40 compared to 20.

Then there'a David Beckham, maybe teenage girls would prefer him at 20 but most women would prefer him at 40.