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Cringe-worthy Sex Scenes in Literature

SkyBlueClouds

All you bookworms out there - Forget the Manbooker prize. Bad Sex in literature awards have been thrust upon us!

All of the lukewarm excerpts and the nominations over on The Gaurdian (NSFW ish)

Some of the titillating (pun intended :P) toned down highlights include:

The Legacy of Elizabeth Pringle wrote:

He said my name over and over as he lifted me up, my legs curled around him, and laid me down beneath him on the high bed. I had never imagined that I was capable of wanton behaviour, but it was as if a dam within me had burst and we made love that day and night like two people starved, slowly suffused with more and more pleasure, exploring and devouring every inch of each other, so as not to miss one single possibility of passion

:pac:

The Hormone Factory wrote:

Running her tongue over her lips she nodded; she was as hot as boiling water in a distillation flask, and it wasn't long before I was able to really get going. We both came at the same time. I stayed inside her for a few seconds, gazed at her, and smiled.

Of course, who could forget out very own former Justice Minister Alan Shatter's attempt at Mills & Boon esque glory?

Laura wrote:

The bottle emptied and the champagne finished he carried her the stairs into the bedroom, realising that they were both slightly drunk. She lay beneath him on the bed, its soft mattress rising and falling as their bodies joined together in passionate celebration of the decision they had made.

Have you ever come across any examples of absolute romantic novel tripe that made you go mad? Indeed, are you someone who loves to read romantic novels of this sort and unashamedly love it?

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El Weirdo

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

... The Gaurdian ...

Post reported for shilling. OP clearly writes for the newspaper linked to.

smash

"My love for you allows me to pray to the spirit of eternal beauty and tenderness mirrored in your eyes or fling you down under me on that softy belly of yours and **** you up behind, like a hog riding a sow, glorying in the very stink and sweat that rises from your arse, glorying in the open shape of your upturned dress and white girlish drawers and in the confusion of your flushed cheeks and tangled hair. It allows me to burst into tears of pity and love at some slight word, to tremble with love for you at the sounding of some chord or cadence of music or to lie heads and tails with you feeling your fingers fondling and tickling my ballocks or stuck up in me behind and your hot lips sucking off my cock while my head is wedged in between your fat thighs, my hands clutching the round cushions of your bum and my tongue licking ravenously up your rank red c*nt."

James Joyce

SkyBlueClouds

El Weirdo wrote: »

Post reported for shilling. OP clearly writes for the newspaper linked to.

Nope. I have no connection to the Gaurdian. Popped up on my FB feed and thought it was an interesting piece.

[Deleted User]

he kissed the slight, rose-coloured trench that remained from her knicker elastic, running around her belly like the equator line circling the world.

So romantic! lol

Sheep Lover

"He flicked off his sh1te encrusted welly boots and pulled her nipples vigorously like he does so often to the cattle, he then mounted her and started to grind his hips like he does when bump starts the vintage Davie Brown in the yard."

El Weirdo

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

Nope. I have no connection to the Gaurdian. Popped up on my FB feed and thought it was an interesting piece.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Guardian#References_in_popular_culture

Chucken

50 Shades of Grey. All of them

Turtyturd

Anything in the Game of Thrones series seems like it was written by a teenage virgin who has never been in the same room as a woman.

SkyBlueClouds

El Weirdo wrote: »

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Guardian#References_in_popular_culture

Seriously dude, my day job has no more journalistic connotations than Jedward do to singing. :eek::cool:

[Deleted User]

Clit Lit

My name is URL

Turtyturd wrote: »

Anything in the Game of Thrones series seems like it was written by a teenage virgin who has never been in the same room as a woman.

George R. R. Martin is master of poon

SkyBlueClouds

Chucken wrote: »

50 Shades of Grey. All of them

What was it you liked about them? The literature style, characters, plot?

Hold the Cheez Whiz

I wouldn't call most romance novels "literature"...

Hold the Cheez Whiz

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

What was it you liked about them? The literature style, characters, plot?

Wait, there was style and a plot in 50 Shades? I must have missed that.

Earthhorse

There's a pretty awful one in Steve Martin's An Object of Beauty if I recall but I gave it away so you'll have to look it up yourself.

Chucken

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

What was it you liked about them? The literature style, characters, plot?

Oh, the plot. Most definetely

One eyed Jack

Used read an awful lot of Mills & Boon type stuff when I was younger, then moved on to the classics, Lady Chatterley's Lover type stuff, then more recently the FSOG trilogy...

I think if you were to get turned on by that stuff you'd need to be telling yourself you need to get out more!

SkyBlueClouds

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Used read an awful lot of Mills & Boon type stuff when I was younger, then moved on to the classics, Lady Chatterley's Lover type stuff, then more recently the FSOG trilogy...

I think if you were to get turned on by that stuff you'd need to be telling yourself you need to get out more!

In fairness, before the days of dial up connections all we had were books to turn us saucy.

dee_mc

The hairy armpit licking sex scene in The Horse Whisperer is hard to beat in fairness...

feargale

"1. The Legacy of Elizabeth Pringle
we made love that day and night like two people starved, "

Just like people did it during the Famine. So they're oldfashioned. So what?

2. The Hormone Factory
" We both came at the same time."

What's wrong with punctuality?

KeithM89

Garth Marenghis' 'Slicer':

He whisked off her shoes and panties in one movement, wild like an enraged shark, his bulky totem beating a seductive rhythm. Mary's body felt like it was burning, even though the room was properly air-conditioned. They tried all the positions: on top, doggy, and normal. Exhausted, they collapsed on to the recently extended sofa bed. Then a hellbeast ate them.

Pure gold.

DazMarz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K1RcKJVbHA

Romantic? Hell, you ain't seen nothing yet!!!

castletownman

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

All you bookworms out there - Forget the Manbooker prize. Bad Sex in literature awards have been thrust upon us!

All of the lukewarm excerpts and the nominations over on The Gaurdian (NSFW ish)

Some of the titillating (pun intended :P) toned down highlights include:

:pac:

Of course, who could forget out very own former Justice Minister Alan Shatter's attempt at Mills & Boon esque glory?

Have you ever come across any examples of absolute romantic novel tripe that made you go mad? Indeed, are you someone who loves to read romantic novels of this sort and unashamedly love it?

Tehehe