nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

Adults living with their parents...

guitarzero

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.

I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

Find more posts tagged with

Quick Links

Comments

Dickie10

thank you for that advice. yes i suppose thats the way to look at it as an investment in my life. a bit like education you cant ever put a value on something like that because it makes you who you are i suppose.its just so tempting to see rent as dead money when you possibly could get away without it

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Dickie10 wrote: »

i guess its just do i bite the bullet and move out ? like what would a prospective partner think ? its the thought of renting giving someone dead money i could be paying into something else. just wondering if there are many others like me ?? so the set up is the farm funds my parents food,fuel, electric. it looks after one family but would struggle to rear two. unless you went back to living a 1980s lifestyle

I think in your predicament these are the two things to reconcile.

I'm assuming because you're considering whether the farm could support two families you're looking to find love, settle down, have a family; not just go out and score women to take home.

I'm quite impressed by what your 'predicament' says about your character: you're hardworking, you're thinking very practically, you're being very considerate of your parents. You've got a whooole big bunch of green flags there for a woman about your age looking for someone to be in a committed partnership with.

However, it does mean you have a living situation that's not exactly romantic and realistically will either put people off or cause bother in the early days of a relationship.

You say your parents are in their 70s and 80s and out of the house 4 nights a week, so it looks like (thank god) they've a good while left in them compared to a lot of people that age. If (again please god) one or both of them live another 15 years and you're in the same position of an uncomfortable living situation, wanting to start a family but now being nearly 50, you've scuppered yourself. Also, they can be overbearing now, they're only going to get more elderly and more difficult, if you're now at the point where you're staying late at work to avoid them the nights they're home, imagine the weeks where they're home every night and gone even more dotty. I don't mean that as anything bad against your parents, the relationship between adult child and elderly parent is always challenging imo, especially when it's a single adult child who's living with them.

If you can afford it and it won't completely overstretch you time-wise I'd say bite the bullet and rent somewhere. Don't think of it as dead money, think of it as something you're investing to be in the right situation to do something that's an important goal: finding a partner.

looksee

It isn't a predicament at all Dickie. There is nothing 'tough' about your situation.

Your parents created/maintained the farm and the house and reared you. For practical purposes they signed the place over to you trusting that you would act in the best interests of them and the farm.

You have allowed yourself to convince yourself that somehow this means that you are now sole owner. Of course you have done improvements, of course you have added bits to the house - the house that will in the long run be entirely yours - don't give the impression you are doing them a favour.

You are only 36, being handed a house and farm while having a job doesn't mean you can sit on your backside and moulder. Get out and make your own way a bit, act as though you have not been handed 50 years or so of work already done for you. They don't need you yet and you can farm from nearby. Or at any rate turn part of the house into an apartment for yourself and stop kidding yourself you are master and doing your parents a favour.

Leg End Reject

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Euthanasia is legal in some European countries you know.
Have they up to date passports?

An unfortunate gas leak maybe?

Purple Mountain

Dickie10 wrote: »

thats what the plan on signing over the house and farm early ish, they can now get fair deal nursing home care if ever needed. yea hard to know thinking heavily about it these days.

Euthanasia is legal in some European countries you know.
Have they up to date passports?

Dickie10

thats what the plan on signing over the house and farm early ish, they can now get fair deal nursing home care if ever needed. yea hard to know thinking heavily about it these days.

Leg End Reject

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Stick them in a nursing home Dickie?

I was trying to be tactful, but that's an option. :pac:

Purple Mountain

Stick them in a nursing home Dickie?

Leg End Reject

You're 36 Dickie, move out and live a little. The house and farm will still be there.

Dickie10

i guess its just do i bite the bullet and move out ? like what would a prospective partner think ? its the thought of renting giving someone dead money i could be paying into something else. just wondering if there are many others like me ?? so the set up is the farm funds my parents food,fuel, electric. it looks after one family but would struggle to rear two. unless you went back to living a 1980s lifestyle

Leg End Reject

You own the house mortgage free and have a dual income so you could move out and rent if it's overbearing. You parents are elderly, but if they're independent there's no need for you to live there.

What exactly is the predicament?

Dickie10

im 36 living at home with parents in there 80s and 70s . now heres the differences. i actually now own the house offically since 2011. i farm at home and also work subbing as a secondary teacher. i get on fairly well with the parents but they can be overbearing. like lucky enough there out 4 nights a week so have a good bit of privacy in some ways, its a big old rambling house.at night i tend to saty in the office working on school and farm paper work or watch tv in a diiferent room. anyway im saving and expanding the farm and trying to save to buy some land and maybe put a timber cabin/chalet on it, but could take a while. i have just spent 10k this year on a new bathroom extension and ensuite bedroom mostly for my motherwho always wanted this done, so its tough to keep money together for my long term project on the upside the house i have is now in great condition and im mortgage free. i guess there would be very few people in my position?? what do u guys think of this predicament
?

Leg End Reject

Fire ahead Dickie and we'll try to help.

Dickie10

im in a strange situation with this regard

Dickie10

can i ask questions on this thread?

Elessar

Egginacup wrote: »

You're a natural born world-shaker.

Do my living circumstances bother you?

LuckyLloyd

Gabriella Scruffy Strife wrote: »

Moved out at eighteen, never moved back until September last year because I was doing my masters and not paying rent meant I didn't have to work. It has seriously damaged my relationship with my parents, I appreciate everything they've done for me and think they're just swell folks but holy Christ we cannot be under the same roof on a permanent basis. I'm out of there again thank Christ, won't be seen for dust til Christmas

Think comments like that are sad. By all means move out early and often, but it's nice to be able to drop by every couple of weeks for dinner to say hello or throw out an aul Skype call or whatever. If nothing else, it probably means a lot for them to see ya, and it doesn't take up that much time.

Fat Christy

Couldn't live with my mam, she'd drive you half mad. Moved out at 17, never looked back.

[Deleted User]

I hated moving out of home (at 23) and would never have moved out until I bought or built my own place only for I was working too far away to commute. I think of all the money I could have saved if I wasnt paying rent.... Living at home until you are buying your old place is pretty much par for the course with a lot of people I know and living at home in your late 20's early 30's is nothing out of the ordinary.

I get on extremely well with my parents and vice versa and would certainly consider building my house beside my home place in the future as I love being close to family. I very much disagree with people saying you "have" to move away and only see your family now and again or nonsense like its "unhealthy" to have your family part of your day to day life.

MrsYelnekoff wrote: »

What about if you get in a relationship or have kids?

The person they got in a relationship with could always move in? Its pretty common I have relations on both sides of my family who got married while living at home and their husband/wife moved in and they had kids and then inherited the house when their parents died. I would say most family's did similar as one sibling always took over the home house.

mojesius

Each to their own. House prices are so bloody expensive at the moment, you can understand why a lot of people live with their parents. The only way I'll be able to afford anything decent in Dublin close to town (looking at recent prices) is sadly through inheritance.

Also, rent is creeping up all the time. Have a look on daft and places that were 1000-1100 3 years ago are now 1400-1500 and some landlords are now charging 1000 for absolute dumps. I currently share a decent, fairly-priced apartment with my boyfriend but let's say we broke up I'd realistically have 4 choices:

1. Pay rent here on my own (roughly 35-40% of my net salary)

2. Move into a kip on my own, complete with a crying chair for approx. 200 less per month

3. Move into a house/apartment share and run the risk of living with some of the nutjobs/cretins from the 'I hate my housemate megathread' on the R&R forum. :eek:

4. Move into my mam or my dad's place. Pay them rent, have a nice big room, nice back garden close to town. I get to live with someone I like and know and save money.

I guess it depends on your relationship with your parents but I lived at home during college and at various points during my 20s and it was grand! I am the youngest child though so I think my folks gave up on the strict parenting nonsense long before I was grown up, we were always more friends than parent and child, which probably helps.

Barely There

If your still living at home in your mid-20's you'd really want to have a word with yourself.

I haven't met anyone living at home with their parents in their 30's who weren't complete and utter lost causes.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Moved out at eighteen, never moved back until September last year because I was doing my masters and not paying rent meant I didn't have to work. It has seriously damaged my relationship with my parents, I appreciate everything they've done for me and think they're just swell folks but holy Christ we cannot be under the same roof on a permanent basis. I'm out of there again thank Christ, won't be seen for dust til Christmas

Larbre34

Parents are best kept at arms length after about age 17. It is the best way to achieve love and respect between families and avoid resentment. Parents cant help themselves asking the same questions as they did when you were a teenager, if you aren't there to hear them its better for everyone. And that way, visits and holidays and special occasions can be nice and enjoyable.

As long as they are funding education, accommodation etc then they are entitled to a certain amount of input of course, but that needs to be completed as soon as possible too.

To paraphrase the old safety ad: "Get out, get the fire brigade out, and stay out"

Egginacup

Elessar wrote: »

Well, in those circumstances things would have to change, but honestly I have no real desire for any of that. I maintained a relationship (on and off) for a good few years without any problems so I don't think it would be too much of an issue, lest it gets serious (again no desire).

You're a natural born world-shaker.

Inspector Coptoor

I moved out at 18, moved back for 6 months as a 24 year old and wasn't long moving out again.

Home is a nicer place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there EVER again.

Even when I go home for Christmas or a few days during other holidays, I get all the questions I got as a teenager.

I appreciate that some people either have to live at home for whatever reason or that some people like living in their parent's home, is just not for me.

I have a decent job and pay rent in a county 100 miles from home and I like it that way

dublinman1990

My next door neighbour was even quite shocked that she heard that I was still living with my mother at age 24. She herself is an OAP so she may have been lucky herself to never experience that life in her youngers years. She does suffer from MS btw and life now is a little bit tough for her now and then. She has her son and grandkids over as well so it is not all bad for her, all the same.

I'm 24 nearly going on 25 in January. I am just plodding along to pay the bills and help after the house with my mother because of my bad financial situation I have no choice to choose something else. It is still a good enough life at the moment and I for one wouldn't change it right now.

Heckler

I've found myself this september at the ripe old age of 41 back living with my mother. After my marriage broke up in 2013 I moved out of the house where myself and my wife lived and got accomodation elsewhere. Then I was made redundant also last year so this year I decided to go to college for a year to upskill.

Made sense to move home as the college is literally 5 minutes from my family home as opposed to making a 60 mile round trip everyday.

Obviously not ideal for either of us. Shes used to living on her own for the last 10 years so I'm sure its as much an upheaval for her as for me.

Still, so far so good. And yes, I pay rent, help out around etc. Hopefully when college ends I'll get another job and be on my way again.

Circumstances are different for everyone.

[Deleted User]

Pain in the arse living with the parents but I'm hoping to get out in the new year. I've been applying for jobs since leaving college and can't even get a rejection from internships. Also my mates have had money for the last few years and maybe I could've just about afforded to have moved out but spend several years never heading out with them or on random trips away and never leaving the country. So far I'm happy enough with my decision, even if circumstances are far from ideal.

CentimoSal

what coaching is OP getting that suggests *severing* close family ties is a good thing? the media is renowned for a 'leave the nest' sentiment - and it's (somewhat) responsible for ireland's exodus to Australia. in terms of making relationships better - there are 1001 ways to insulate your life from someone elses life, as countless room-mate tuts on the web will tell

susanlinda823

My fathers family its traditional to live with the parents until you get married. So whatever your views are right for you