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Should I break up with him ? [MOD NOTE POST #46]

Rockefellerpop

My long distance bf invited me to visit him in Europe, where he is currently working. For the record I'm 25, he's 22. He's white, I'm Asian. We met in another country while he was an exchange student and I was working. He is going to pay for the plane ticket. However my traditional, overprotective and strict Asian parents said I should not go. I really want to because I haven't seen him in months. They would rather he visit because they are worried he will want something in return, i.e. sex because they think there is no free lunch in this world. So my bf agreed to visit me at my parents home for a month but he wants to meet up in a neighboring country first to celebrate New Years with his friends. Before he agreed to visit, he was afraid that we couldn't cuddle in bed etc and do all the couples stuff because my parents said we will sleep in separate rooms, and because of this he was thinking twice about coming over but I convinced him we could spend time during the day doing these stuff when we're alone and everyone is at work.

The problem is, he hurt my feelings by thinking twice about visiting because of this. Shouldn't seeing me and spending time with me enough to justify a visit ? Is he just interested in the physical things, though he has denied it. I'm afraid he will leave after seeing me on New Years and getting what he wants, although Im not sure he knows that I'm not ready fo sex yet. I have a feeling he's trying to avoid meeting my parents. Another thing is the first time he said he loves me, he thinks I'm the one but ever since he's far away he's not sure and he needs to see me before he can be sure, wtf.

Another thing he kept our relationship a secret until I forced him to tell people. We usually keep in touch everyday via messaging and Skype almost everyday. He said he loves me a month after meeting me and planned to buy me a gift the other day when I was upset about something, but sometimes I question his intentions and I have a gut feeling that he is talking to other girls behind my back, sometimes he will say that girl is pretty, I have a feeling it is to make me jealous, and once he has even admitted that he felt tempted to kiss other girls. Well, that is because we're long distance. He said he hasn't gotten physical with anyone else, the most he did was visit strip clubs with his friends but I find it hard to trust him =( what should I do ? Should I break up with him ? Is he
lying when he said he loves me? I love him too and I have tried to break up with him many times. The first time I said it, he cried because he didn't expect that. But he didnt text or call me much at that time and we have come a long way since then.

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doubter

green_screen wrote: »

Your issue with your parents is something you need to sort out. You're 25, not 15! I'm 25 and I do things that my mam isn't entirely happy with. She'd prefer if I were a virgin and didn't drink or go to clubs.

But she understands I'm an adult capable of making my own decisions so she supports me regardless. She even offered to give me money for condoms the other day!

You need to decide which is more important - being an adult, or still being mammy and daddy's child. Are you going to spend your life living with them, doing what they want so you don't upset them?

+1

You're an adult. At this point, put your own happiness before your parents expectations. You only have this life.Live it in a way that makes you happy. Go meet him in a neighboring country, celebrate new years and have a ball.You deserve it.

Mr. Loverman

A lot of you don't really understand Asia.

This repetition of "you're an adult" is a projection of Western culture.

In East Asia, family comes first. That means you do what your parents say, until you have a family of your own. Even then, the parents have a lot of control over their children, especially mothers controlling their sons. Daughters get away with it somewhat, as they say daughters are like rivers...

It's totally different to Ireland, so I understand why you guys are struggling with it.

However "you're an adult" is not valid advice for the OP. In fact, I don't even understand why she's posting here because the advice she's being given (which is reasonable) doesn't really apply to an Asian setting.

The solution is compromise. All Western/Eastern relationships survive when the two parties are willing to compromise. He can't get everything he wants, and you can't get everything you want.

Mr. Loverman

This might help explain it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_piety

Big Bag of Chips

Do you know what, culture, families etc aside I think you should break up with him! From the pure fact that you titled your thread asking about breaking up, rather than a more positive "Can we make this work?" or something similar, makes me think that that is the thought most in your head. In 6 short months you've already tried to break up with him a few times. So from that it is clear that you are not either wholly comfortable, or wholly committed to the relationship.

I think you are just prolonging the inevitable for both of you. And maybe now you are just staying together to prove some sort of point?

It's not really working out for you both, is it?

Rockefellerpop

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you know what, culture, families etc aside I think you should break up with him! From the pure fact that you titled your thread asking about breaking up, rather than a more positive "Can we make this work?" or something similar, makes me think that that is the thought most in your head. In 6 short months you've already tried to break up with him a few times. So from that it is clear that you are not either wholly comfortable, or wholly committed to the relationship.

I think you are just prolonging the inevitable for both of you. And maybe now you are just staying together to prove some sort of point?

It's not really working out for you both, is it?

Wow I didn't know it felt that way to you. I was feeling negative since what has happened has caused me to feel discouraged. I tried to break up with him to get him to treat me like I want to be treated. I didn't really mean to break up because I love him very much. His actions sometimes leave more to be desired. With that said I really think he is the one for me and there is no one else I want. Ask my friends. Granted, there were missteps along the way and both of us have a lot to learn seeing as this is our longest relationship to date. Anyways, you all should be glad to know that I am most likely going to visit him (pending bf's confirmation) with or without my dad's approval. Thanks to everyones encouragement and support I feel strong enough to move forward.

Big Bag of Chips

I really do hope it all works out for you. Just one word of advice - if you don't want to break up with someone, don't tell them you want to break up with them! It's a silly game that could very easily backfire.

maria34

Big bag of chips has right ... Dont manipulate to get your way.

The reason his friends dont know about you could be:
1) you were together only for a month? And then 5 months skype. Eem ... And no sex aswell. Its not even proper relationship yet so he doesnt know is it going to work or you keep witholding sex.
2) like your parents think he is no good, his family/friends think you are after visa/money. You arent but thats what they might think. So he keeps his mouth shut for a while.

Memnoch

Op,

I was in a similar situation to you in that I was a Hindu from India who fell in love with a Muslim from Pakistan while we both studied in college together.

You can imagine the ruckus. Death threats, threats to disown etc. It was a big risk for us to stay together but now we are happily married and together fourteen years and my family all love her to bits.

At the time my attitude was that if my parents were unhappy or upset about it then that was their problem and their narrowmindedness. It's still my attitude. It's difficult for them because they have different cultural expectations, but you shouldn't let that shackle you.

Sex was a thing for us too. Her mother tried to make her feel guilty by saying horrible things to her and calling her horrible names. But we both wanted to be physical. And we were very physical but did not have intercourse for the first year and a half. The decision to have sex or not should be based on what you want and not on your parents or anyone else's expectations. And even if things don't work out long term with your bf, it will not be the end of the world if you've had sex with him. Just use protection, be safe and enjoy yourself.

Do what feels right to you. If you're parents love you they should understand. I know that in the culture we come from this is much much harder for girls than for boys which is why I have so much admiration for the way my wife stood up for herself.

LegacyUser

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

What country are you from? How long have you been together?

I've lived in China for a few years and been to maybe 10 Asian countries and this is the first time I've ever heard an Asian girl wanting to wait for sex. Is there some religious reason? What age are you? The reason I mention this is because your boyfriend knows he can sleep with Asian girls instantly and there is a chance he is frustrated with you.

.

<mod snip - not appropriate>. This is totally untrue. I lived in South Korea for over a year and the girls were far from promiscuous. In fact it's quite taboo for a girl not to be a virgin when she meets her boyfriend there. Statistically, people in Asian countries lose their virginity a lot later than in Western countries. As a white girl living in Asia I was tarred with the same brush you're using on Asian girls , having to do an aids test as part of my work medical because there's a general consensous that "all Westerners are sluts." It's repulsive to be on that side of things but it's the same stereotype you're projecting in reverse.

Mr. Loverman

sodisgustedwithyou wrote: »

You are a pig. This is totally untrue. I lived in South Korea for over a year and the girls were far from promiscuous. In fact it's quite taboo for a girl not to be a virgin when she meets her boyfriend there. Statistically, people in Asian countries lose their virginity a lot later than in Western countries. As a white girl living in Asia I was tarred with the same brush you're using on Asian girls , having to do an aids test as part of my work medical because there's a general consensous that "all Westerners are sluts." It's repulsive to be on that side of things but it's the same stereotype you're projecting in reverse.

You're a female in Asia so you don't know the reality. I used to live in SK and they don't have the same culture as the West - things are a lot easier and a lot faster. It's wrong to try to equate Eastern culture with Western culture -- almost everything is different.

The HIV test has nothing to do with "all Westerners are sluts" and everything to do with immigration rules. Even Ireland tests all non-EU immigrants for HIV -- are you saying Ireland thinks all Asians ares sluts?

You lived in SK so you know the reality of Western men and Asian women.

<Mod snip: not appropriate>

Taltos

Mod Note:
OK all, please back on topic. Remember if you don't have any constructive advice please don't post. Also personal attacks are not tolerated here.
PI/RI is for personal advice, it is not a discussion forum, some of the posts above would be better placed in one of our real discussion forums but continuing them here will just result in the thread going off topic and moderator action being required.

Finally if someone has an issue with a post please just report it, replying even if you feel you have to defend yourself can and does result in moderator action being taken against at least the person who replies.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

Even Ireland tests all non-EU immigrants for HIV

No we don't, this is rank nonsense, as I suspect the rest of your advice and opinion is on this thread and I hope the OP ignores it.

gigglemuch82

sodisgustedwithyou wrote: »

<mod snip - not appropriate>. As a white girl living in Asia I was tarred with the same brush you're using on Asian girls , having to do an aids test as part of my work medical because there's a general consensous that "all Westerners are sluts." It's repulsive to be on that side of things but it's the same stereotype you're projecting in reverse.

I can't believe you are actually claiming that you were subjected to a medical because of a general consensus that all westerners are sluts!!! Haha, do you know how incredibly ignorant that sounds? I'm really sorry but that is just really funny.

I assume you were teaching English over in SK? Not only do English teachers get a medical but most Koreans (graduates entering major companies anyways) get a medical before they start a new job - variable on the degree but all the same.

People don't automatically assume that westerners are sluts or sleep around. You wouldn't assume that on Irish or any other people living in Ireland either unless you had a good reason to think so.

I can't believe you come out with such a comment when you've lived abroad and experienced different cultures.

gigglemuch82

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

A lot of you don't really understand Asia.

This repetition of "you're an adult" is a projection of Western culture.

In East Asia, family comes first. That means you do what your parents say, until you have a family of your own. Even then, the parents have a lot of control over their children,

This is somewhat true however it depends on what kind of person you want to be, rather than to generalize just because you're from Asia.

I think OP needs to seriously think about what kind of life she wants to live and what kind of person she wants to be in the long run.

I personally made some mistakes in life because I didn't listen to my Asian parents - which I don't regret because I've learned some valuable lessons in life.

I have a very close friend from China who spent many years abroad studying and working however her life is still very much dictated by her parents who live in China. She is in her late 30's and all her life decisions are still made after long conversations with the parents over the phone which in my opinion is very unhealthy for all aspects of her life (not to mention they told her to break up with her european husband).

Op has already decided to go visit the boyfriend (pending bf's confirmation!) whether the father approves or not. I think the bigger question is not the fact that your parents are telling you what to/not to do but whether you actually believe in this relationship.

Op, I'd be more worried about the fact that he is trying to appease you with presents and talking to other girls behind your back, not to mention visits to strip clubs. It's good that you trust him but I'd seriously question his intentions in this relationship.

Tokyo

For the last time, keep posts on topic and directed towards the OP please. Considering that there's already been a moderator warning on this, any further off topic posts will be carded.

Regards,
Mike