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Single life as a guy...

LordNorbury

Hi folks, just thought I'd start this thread, I'm a guy in my mid 30's and single, it occurred to me to start a general discussion on single life for guys in their 20's and 30's (and upwards!)... I'm single a few years now, after a few really long term relationships, was never married and never had kids.

I don't want this to be a thread on internet dating or how to pull women as a single guy, more about the pro's and the con's of single life, the best and the worst of it, aspirations for the future, maybe regrets about the past, what you do that is important to you to have and to enjoy your life, that is generally configured very differently from many people around you, (who at this age are generally settled down with a partner and kids)...

Just interested in generating some discussion on the subject, as your man on Star Trek says, "engage!"...

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Piliger

youngrun wrote: »

Great thread, I wonder what people here think are the best options for single lads in mid thirties to do to meet women/potential partners etc. In my case I am a perennial lone wolf, solid enough fellow so i think !, good job /own business and active in sports , dont drink at all. Sounds great but have virtually no social circle, work is not one as have a small business and no social outlet, virtually all of the lads crew are settled with kids or working overseas, and while sports/etc is a possibility I play /train primarily male dominated environment .
I am not giving up hope yet, but find most weekends I am on my tod ie billy no mates ..! What to do ?

Well the first thing is to realise that nothing is going to change if YOU do not change

that may seem trite and obvious but it really isn't.
You own your own business so you may work long hours. You must change that or you simply won't have time to meet people.
You need to reflect on what are the things you like in life ... hobbies ... sports. ... activities ... subjects.
Then start searching for clubs and activity groups that engage in those. Again it may seem superficial to some but finding people with common interests is by far the best way to open up your social circle in order to meet more people. It's NOT necessarily about finding a GF among those clubs...... it's about meeting people THEY meet

Also - be more proactive to check in with mates you used to have that you don't meet with often. Suggest drinks. Suggest coffee. I don't drink alcohol either but I have spent my life in pubs, it's not an issue.
And more important than anything while you do these things is to shake yourself up a bit and say to yourself yes I am going to start being more outgoing ... friendly ... chatty ... smile !!!!

Best of luck.

beks101

Jaguarpicante wrote: »

Who did you think you were at 22?

Wasn't great with the aul confidence, self-conscious around people especially men that I was attracted to, used attention as a form of validation so more likely to court relationships that were no good for me etc

That can affect your demeanour in the most profound way. It's really the difference between walking into a room with your head held high and chatting away to anyone and everyone, as opposed to walking in and feeling small and hugging the wall for the evening.

Tarzana

Jaguarpicante wrote: »

What do people define as cynicism?

It sounds like practicality to me.

I guess from the POV that some women who are desperate to have children are just basically looking for a sperm donor. Of course this is a generalisation, but it would certainly be the case for some. No man wants to just be viewed as a walking, talking sperm factory! :pac:

Piliger

Tarzana wrote: »

I guess from the POV that some women who are desperate to have children are just basically looking for a sperm donor. Of course this is a generalisation, but it would certainly be the case for some. No man wants to just be viewed as a walking, talking sperm factory! :pac:

In addition there was a time in the past when donating one for a single woman to have a child was an ok thing to do. Now it carries twenty years of child support along with other risks. No matter what the woman assures you at the time !!

Seriously?

Piliger wrote: »

Now it carries twenty years of child support along with other risks. No matter what the woman assures you at the time !!

In fairness that is not always because of the woman, sometimes the state forces the issue.

Piliger

Seriously? wrote: »

In fairness that is not always because of the woman, sometimes the state forces the issue.

Did anyone blame the woman ? :rolleyes:

Seriously?

It read like you where implying that the woman could be deceitful. My apologies if I misconstrued you.

Piliger wrote: »

No matter what the woman assures you at the time !!

Bafucin

I think men who are single who over think it are the most unhappy. I have been trying not to. I tend to 'need' to be with someone and can be very clingy and dependent. Even with friends and exes. I think perhaps I don't get enough emotional support from my family. Certainly my Dad was always a bit of a kid more than a Dad.

I think having family support and feeling that relationship is important. If family are abroad or the relationship is not that close I think then being single can actually be lonely. Friends can sometimes fill that 'love gap'. But my male mates are not exactly 'affectionate'.

The last couple of weeks have been tough for me with mental health issues and it was female mates who were the ones dispensing the hugs. I think men don't admit they need affection and love. It can be shown in certain ways by male friends but there is something missing.

Piliger

Seriously? wrote: »

It read like you where implying that the woman could be deceitful. My apologies if I misconstrued you.

Well I guess I may be doing that in part .. in that it is men and women who made the laws, but in the fullness of time ... she may change her mind when the child is four or fifteen .. and take you to court for all kinds of €€€, and there will be no defence in law.

Daisy78

ghogie91 wrote: »

Some great articals from the women there aswell as some horrible tabloid poop

But the reality (whether on point or not) is that the majority of women who are basically living the life of a man being single in their 30s is alot to do with self perception earlier on in life. If some, not all being tarred with the one brush, wernt so egotistical, self absorbed, posh dopes in their late mid to late 20s then they would probably be happily married into their 30s. No opportunities missed with children and probably a husband/boyfriend who is just starting to prosper in a career, with a family with a solid future.

Lads can be left and forgotten about, unfortunately the girls have more pull here that they can get a lad waaay easier than a lad can go and pull.

I know you said "some" in your post as opposed to all but I think it reflects this myth that the media and in wider society that single women are living it up, postponing marriage and kids until the very last minute, when Prince Charming comes riding up on his horse to sweep her off her feet and has a well established career to show for her years of singledom. I have many single female friends in their early to mid thirties, all attractive, intelligent and kind individuals. I don't think a single one has actively lived their life with the intention of remaining single, in fact I'd say they have done everything possible to find meaningful relationships with men. Some were in long term relationships and got dumped, some just never had the opportunity to find love in the first place. When you spend too many disappointing weekends in row where you have put yourself out there hoping a nice guy might approach, or that the one who actually did approach and take your number would call (but never does) or that the nice guy at the bar might actually like to get to know you and not just want the leg over, well after a while you just stop expecting or hoping for anything. And then you pretty much forget about it and enjoy the life your blessed to have, you travel, see the world, make the most if the opportunities you have been given.

And then you read some guff about single women in their thirties delaying starting a family, putting their careers first, blahdy blah..

The thing is if I met a guy in the morning the very last thing I would want to do is get down to baby making business, to me that's absolutely mad. I would hope that a guy would see me for the person I am, the good and bad and that I might be somone worth spending time with. Not just a set of ovaries who have past their sell by date. I think people overthink scenarios way too much to be honest. You can say you want x, y , z and something (or somone) else comes along who doesn't meet those criteria and blows you away.

Piliger

Daisy78 wrote: »

I know you said "some" in your post as opposed to all but I think it reflects this myth that the media and in wider society that single women are living it up,

The 'media' is the very LAST place to find any semblance of accurate view of life for any group of people. They only care about hyperbole, shock value, exaggeration and sales.

beano345

Daisy78 wrote: »

I know you said "some" in your post as opposed to all but I think it reflects this myth that the media and in wider society that single women are living it up, postponing marriage and kids until the very last minute, when Prince Charming comes riding up on his horse to sweep her off her feet and has a well established career to show for her years of singledom. I have many single female friends in their early to mid thirties, all attractive, intelligent and kind individuals. I don't think a single one has actively lived their life with the intention of remaining single, in fact I'd say they have done everything possible to find meaningful relationships with men. Some were in long term relationships and got dumped, some just never had the opportunity to find love in the first place. When you spend too many disappointing weekends in row where you have put yourself out there hoping a nice guy might approach, or that the one who actually did approach and take your number would call (but never does) or that the nice guy at the bar might actually like to get to know you and not just want the leg over, well after a while you just stop expecting or hoping for anything. And then you pretty much forget about it and enjoy the life your blessed to have, you travel, see the world, make the most if the opportunities you have been given.

And then you read some guff about single women in their thirties delaying starting a family, putting their careers first, blahdy blah..

The thing is if I met a guy in the morning the very last thing I would want to do is get down to baby making business, to me that's absolutely mad. I would hope that a guy would see me for the person I am, the good and bad and that I might be somone worth spending time with. Not just a set of ovaries who have past their sell by date. I think people overthink scenarios way too much to be honest. You can say you want x, y , z and something (or somone) else comes along who doesn't meet those criteria and blows you away.

Could be half the problem right there,nothing in this day and age to stop a woman doing a bit of approaching I'm sure a lot of men would appreciate it too

Bafucin

beano345 wrote: »

Could be half the problem right there,nothing in this day and age to stop a woman doing a bit of approaching I'm sure a lot of men would appreciate it too

I think shy people (men or women) need the other person to approach. I can usually tell a shy girl and will do that part if needs be. Women should do the same if they are more outgoing.

But telling a shy person to do it is not useful and to be honest it's not helpful you need someone who compliments your natural personality. A shy woman needs a more outgoing guy. A shy guy needs a more outgoing woman. Two shy people is not going to go anywhere.

I do agree though that both men and women should be active socially.

paddy1990

ghogie91 wrote: »

Lads can be left and forgotten about, unfortunately the girls have more pull here that they can get a lad waaay easier than a lad can go and pull.

That has changed now imo with the likes of social media and tinder. Good looking lads find it incredibly easy to get women now. All it takes is setting up a tinder or pof and letting the matches/messages flood in. Plus I find that more and more foreign girls are increasingly on these sites and it seems, from my experience and observations, that foreign girls are easier (i say easier because i can't think of any other word - i mean they are more interested/willing) to meet up. It also seems, again from my experience/observations that Irish men are more likely to hook up with foreign girls as opposed to Irish women hooking up with foreign guys. So I guess things have opened up nicely for guys. Well, attractive guys I suppose. Although some of my lesser attractive mates have found good success with asian girls for some reasons I'm not too sure of but it seems that asian women like them. I have a few mates now who weren't really having much success with Irish girls(or any girls for that matter) and have got asian girlfriends.

Potatoeman

There is a certain amount of selective equality. Many woman still want the guy to do the approaching. Even if they are willing to send signals many will not want to directly approach. This is still true in online dating. There was a link on here in another thread to a datings site stats that backed this up.

paddy1990

Potatoeman wrote: »

There is a certain amount of selective equality. Many woman still want the guy to do the approaching. Even if they are willing to send signals many will not want to directly approach. This is still true in online dating. There was a link on here in another thread to a datings site stats that backed this up.

Online, women certainly actively approach guys. In real life it can happen as well. More often though, they will just give clear signals.

But you have to be good looking.

chrysagon

im alone...but aint lonely... love the single life.. void of the stress of worrying over others!

Dial Hard

paddy1990 wrote: »

Online, women certainly actively approach guys. In real life it can happen as well. More often though, they will just give clear signals.

But you have to be good looking.

To them. That's it.

Piliger

Potatoeman wrote: »

There is a certain amount of selective equality. Many woman still want the guy to do the approaching. Even if they are willing to send signals many will not want to directly approach. This is still true in online dating. There was a link on here in another thread to a datings site stats that backed this up.

"Many" ? how many is "many" 100 ? 1,000 ? 10% ? 50% ? Otherwise your statement is meaningless.

paddy1990

Dial Hard wrote: »

To them. That's it.

Of course.

Potatoeman

Piliger wrote: »

"Many" ? how many is "many" 100 ? 1,000 ? 10% ? 50% ? Otherwise your statement is meaningless.

I would say I do 90% of the approaching.

paddy1990

Potatoeman wrote: »

I would say I do 90% of the approaching.

Do you approach girls you're not attracted to?

astonaidan

paddy1990 wrote: »

Online, women certainly actively approach guys. In real life it can happen as well. More often though, they will just give clear signals.

But you have to be good looking.

Ah the aul clear signals, it seems to be a thing only friends notice and never tell you till the girl is gone,
Then again maybe its only my friends, now that I think of it I hate those guys :mad:

Had an example in Galway on Wednesday where I went in to watch the match and a bar girl kept coming up to the bar beside me, I thought I was getting in her way so moved up a few seats then she came up to my new seating place to give orders, so I moved back again. Was only when a lad who I didnt know said Dude she wants you to talk to her that I thought about it at all

Potatoeman

paddy1990 wrote: »

Do you approach girls you're not attracted to?

I mean even girls that are attracted to me. They will frequently stand close and try and make eye contact instead of coming up and saying hello.

Pug160

Maybe giving clearer signals is something women could work on actually, as it would be a good compromise. As women don't normally do the approaching, it means they're often very bad at it when they do. I was out a couple of Saturdays ago and a girl kept coming up to me asking if I was shy and it was rather awkward as there wasn't really any context to it. That sort of scenario happens every now and again when someone is interested. A lot of things just really suck in those environments. It's interesting how bad women are at approaching considering they're arguably (in general) more advanced socially than men. I guess one explanation is that the really assertive and socially confident women are less likely to be proactive in looking for a man in that environment. Those types are more likely to value those qualities in a man as well, so it makes sense. I'm assuming that if some of those women did start approaching men they fancied and the men didn't match up socially that there would be a fair bit of disappointment on the woman's part.

* Just realised that there is a slight contradiction in what I have written. The fact women don't approach very often shouldn't really make that much difference to how good they are at it - especially if they're outgoing and sociable.

Wibbs

Pug160 wrote: »

Maybe giving clearer signals is something women could work on actually, as it would be a good compromise.

Or maybe it's evolved that way outside of culture? That women only give subtle signals, even microsignals, because this is/was a way of selecting for men who were more socially aware and confident? And they do. A larger chunk of sexual interaction with the genders is women making the first move albeit subtly. That would make pretty good sense too. Like I say as a way of selecting for more socially observant men.

Pug160

Wibbs wrote: »

Or maybe it's evolved that way outside of culture? That women only give subtle signals, even microsignals, because this is/was a way of selecting for men who were more socially aware and confident? And they do. A larger chunk of sexual interaction with the genders is women making the first move albeit subtly. That would make pretty good sense too. Like I say as a way of selecting for more socially observant men.

That's a plausible explanation. But I have to say, even most men I've met who are really socially aware and confident say that the majority of signals are too subtle to read and that they just focus on talking to the women they like without looking for an implied invitation - especially on a night out. I guess it might come into play more outside of the bar/club setting though. I've had far more signals at work than I've had anywhere else, and it's only been over the last few months.

Wibbs

Sure I get you P, but I would say a lot of it is subconscious. That more socially aware men may not be able to quantify the micro signals, but they react to them and approach and then think it was all down to them because they made the first move.

smurgen

Gonna be single now for the first time in nearly a year and I'm dreading it.I'm a good enough looking guy and even get women approaching me but I just do not like being single.I just feel sleezy or something. The ending of my relationship is after being fairly bad too so the confidence when interacting with women is not good at the moment.I think I just have to keep my head down for the next few years and keep to myself and try and be happy alone.

Shakespeare's Sister

Being single makes you feel sleazy?