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Am I obligated to go to my fiancee aunt's funeral?

0210ania

as i title ..me and my partenr are engaged. His auntie died and i was wondering if have to go?
It's his uncle's wife (his dad's sister in law). I would know this part of his family too well, but because it's his dad's sister in law - it's so called 'close' family.

It will sounds horrible but i don't really want to go because i don't take funerals very well. I would be sometimes more upset than family (only because someone died) and in general it would be on my mind for few days after.

Do you guys think i will be expected to be there because we r engaged?

what's Irish people would be expecting, what's the right thing to do?

P.S i am very sorry for my english!!!!

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darced

This post has been deleted.

danniemcq

Deleted User wrote: »

I wouldn't ever leave a dog alone for 30 hours. That's just awful

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't do it every day or week but I have had to do it before (things outside of my control). It does feel like a pr*ck of a thing to do but doggy didn't seem to mind to much.

I have a back up plan in place now where I gave a mate a key so like I said if OP is friendly with neighbour or has friends nearby that could call in and take doggy out for a pee that could work. It might not be perfect and it might not always work out but I know every morning i fill her water bowl and fill the food bowl with nuts. If something happens i know she is good till either myself or someone else gets back.

everlast75

FaceTime your partner at the time and that way you will be at the funeral (technically). bonus - she can hold the phone up so you can give your condolences to the family..

Tordelback

Being entirely cynical about this (and why not, since you have no attachment to the deceased), it's a very simple way to develop positive relationships with your new relatives.

As others have noted Irish people do notice who comes to a funeral, especially those of a younger person like your fiancee's aunt appears to have been, and I can see how it could genuinely be a comfort to your partner's family to see that he is marrying someone who will make an effort to be support him and engage with and contribute to the wider family.

Less cynically, Irish funerals can be a very positive bonding experience, however much we may all dread them. My own previously cold relationship with my in-laws was improved immeasurably over the course of two particularly upsetting funerals. Remember that your life will be a lot easier for you both if you can get along with each other's families, however hideous that may sound, and it's far from impossible that you will grow to love some of them too.

Although I hate funerals, I have never yet regretted going to one, but I regret many that I didn't attend, even years later.

Plazaman

Go to the funeral, a good opportunity to scope out all the relations to see who to avoid at/not invite to your wedding.

December2012

everlast75 wrote: »

FaceTime your partner at the time and that way you will be at the funeral (technically). bonus - she can hold the phone up so you can give your condolences to the family..

Don't ever do this.

Annasopra

razorblunt wrote: »

Go to the rosary if there is one, it's the least "sad" of the three (rosary, removal, burying).

People remember who turned up.

Do people still do "rosary"?

Honey-ec

December2012 wrote: »

Don't ever do this.

I'm preeeeeetty sure s/he was being sarcastic.

December2012

Sometimes. At the funeral home / wake if there's no removal.

sbsquarepants

0210ania wrote: »

My partner knows me and he know how funerals are hard on me.
He want's me to feel ok more than anything but maybe i have to forget about me ...

In all honesty how hard can they be?
Surely it depends on who's dead, not just the fact that it's a funeral. I've been to funerals, even of relatives that didn't impact on me whatsoever. I'm sure everyone has.
And I also don't mean to make light of a death in the family or anything like that, but this is your husbands, fathers, sister in law? How hard can it really be?

everlast75

December2012 wrote: »

Don't ever do this.

oh ffs...

Annasopra

sbsquarepants wrote: »

In all honesty how hard can they be?
Surely it depends on who's dead, not just the fact that it's a funeral. I've been to funerals, even of relatives that didn't impact on me whatsoever. I'm sure everyone has.
And I also don't mean to make light of a death in the family or anything like that, but this is your husbands, fathers, sister in law? How hard can it really be?

If you are sensitive and get reminded at funerals of the deaths of close family members it can be very hard!

conorhal

0210ania wrote: »

as i title ..me and my partenr are engaged. His auntie died and i was wondering if have to go?
It's his uncle's wife (his dad's sister in law). I would know this part of his family too well, but because it's his dad's sister in law - it's so called 'close' family.

It will sounds horrible but i don't really want to go because i don't take funerals very well. I would be sometimes more upset than family (only because someone died) and in general it would be on my mind for few days after.

Do you guys think i will be expected to be there because we r engaged?

what's Irish people would be expecting, what's the right thing to do?

P.S i am very sorry for my english!!!!

I can't be the only one staggerd by that statement, it really does make me wonder at the narcissistic fragility of some (what I suspect is the Celtic tiger generation, but I'm open to correction) people today. They seem to suffer a weird inability to cope with even the most trivial adversity, something that does not bode well for such fragile little flowers in the future.

Sleepy

mango salsa wrote: »

If you are sensitive and get reminded at funerals of the deaths of close family members it can be very hard!

Sorry, but if you're that sensitive maybe going to more funerals might do you some good.

muppetkiller

I'm sure your Fiancee won't mind if you don't go...just like you wont mind if he doesn't turn up for your wedding

lahalane

I dont like attending funerals. Never have. I go to them when I absolutely have to. If anyone is ever ignorant enough to say it to me I tell them that I dont like funerals.

**** what people think of you. Only one person matters and thats your OH. If he thinks you absolutely need to go then I suppose you should. If not, stay at home and mind the dog.

If someone is going to hold a grudge with you for missing a funeral then theyre probably an idiot who will find an equally stupid reason to dislike you in the future.

Artful_Badger

If your partner was upset and needed a bit of support then you'd be obligated to go.

But if not and its just about what the family will think then fcuk them. Anyone who gets affected by someone they dont know all too well not going to the funeral of someone they didnt know much at all needs to cop on.

Funerals are stupid anyway, 90% strangers there to be seen and 10% family who'd be better off with a bit of privacy to grieve instead of entertaining for the day.

Irish Guitarist

My uncle was very sick last week and didn't have long to live. I thought I should go to see him so I visited him for the first time in years. I was glad I did because he died in the early hours of the next morning. I didn't want to go to the funeral either but I did and was glad afterwards. It was just a few hours out of my life.

Having said that I wouldn't go to a funeral just for the sake of going. Years ago another uncle of mine died and I didn't go to his funeral. I didn't feel very close to him unlike the uncle who died last week who was really close to my father.

Do what you think is right yourself. Also consider how upset your fiancee is going to be or not be. If this aunt was someone he really cared about then you maybe you should go to support him. I once had an uncle who was related to me through marriage who I felt closer to than my uncle who was related to me by blood.

Tordelback

Artful_Badger wrote: »

But if not and its just about what the family will think then fcuk them.

Not necessarily a recipe for a happy married life though. Love 'em or hate 'em, you're stuck dealing with your spouse's family for the duration, no harm in making a supportive gesture early on.

rainbowdrop

Sleepy wrote: »

Am I reading the bolded bit right? :eek:

Whatever about the rudeness of not showing up to a family funeral, bringing a frigging dog along would be the height of disrespect.

OP, yes you're obligated to go and unless you have to overnight it, I can't
see why the dog wouldn't be fine in the back garden.

A distant relative of mine bought her dog to my grandfathers funeral (can't remember the breed, but one of those small 'yappy' ones). She carried it around under her arm for the entire funeral (rosary, funeral home, burial).

The older members of the family were fairly insulted, for the younger ones it made the occasion less sad, cos we spent the entire time taking the p1ss out of your wan behind her back for bringing the dog.

*disclaimer*

I am NOT distantly related to Paris Hilton lol

fenris

The people who are not so close are important to the immediate family as they form the bridge back to the normal world in the middle of all of the upset and pain.

Your partner would probably be a typical Irish male and say that it is okay if you don't go but at the same time really notice the lack of support, but being Irish would never say it.

If there is a young family then there will be a lot of emotion and upset even for people that think that they will be okay on the day as it is hard not to see yourself in that place if you even have an ounce of empathy.

Be there for him, give him some support, he will do the same for you if you get upset on the day and you will both be stronger going forward, supporting each other in the tough times is important and won't be forgotten by either of you.
You will not be the only one in this situation, there will be other relatives partners and friends, equally wondering why they are there and what they can do.

If in doubt, make tea!

Triangla

No one likes going to funerals.

You should still go to show support and pay your respects.

Ace Attorney

its your fiancees mothers sisters funeral, if you can go, I would go, as you are practically a family member now, a daughter in law to your fiancees mother. you might not be related by blood, but you will be by marraige. if you are able to go and its not too upsetting for you, id say go

Artful_Badger

Tordelback wrote: »

Not necessarily a recipe for a happy married life though. Love 'em or hate 'em, you're stuck dealing with your spouse's family for the duration, no harm in making a supportive gesture early on.

No harm in doing it if its no big deal but the op clearly wants to avoid it so there is nothing wrong with doing so.

If they are the kind of people who will make it difficult for someone because they didn't go to a funeral then the OP is either gonna spend a large part of their married life trying to please the in laws or gonna decide to say fcuk them at some point.

jack7

nobody likes going to funerals, but its part of life and has to be done. Both of my parents died over past two years and I was very grateful for all the support I got and really appreciated all the effort people made to attend.

danniemcq

lahalane wrote: »

I dont like attending funerals. Never have. I go to them when I absolutely have to. If anyone is ever ignorant enough to say it to me I tell them that I dont like funerals.

**** what people think of you. Only one person matters and thats your OH. If he thinks you absolutely need to go then I suppose you should. If not, stay at home and mind the dog.

If someone is going to hold a grudge with you for missing a funeral then theyre probably an idiot who will find an equally stupid reason to dislike you in the future.

Its grand saying that now,

When my Granny died I thought i'd be ok, she had been pretty much near death since multiple stokes about 10-15 years before, barely could talk and when she could it was just random words or the occasional name as she vaguely remembered you, she was in a nursing home 24 hour care and her husband had died a few years previous.

We got word that she had passed and I almost felt a relief that she was with her husband now and not "trapped".

My gf came to the wake and funeral, I told her it wasn't necessory, I seen myself as the person that would help my family, i'd be the shoulder to cry on, i'd support my ma,I said i'd be grand and she should head home or whatever. She stuck with me though for the whole weekend, helped out making tea, running around with biscuits, chatting to people the whole time i was still holding it together.

Then out of nowhere it just hit me. I needed someone I welled up and that was me. She was there for me that day, she helped me through it. If she wasn't there i woulda been worse and she probably woulda hated herself for not being there for me.

Funerals are never good. They place us face to face with our deepest fear and the deepest unknown we will ever experience. Nobody enjoys them but they are something we all have to go through at some stage.

Forget how your fiance feels now, imagine how he could feel when it comes to him that this is it, he will never see or speak to this person again. How will he feel when he sees his Uncle saying goodbye to his wife, the love of his life, death affects us all in different ways and its nigh on impossible to predict before hand. Go for support, be his rock.

ONeill2013

his fathers sister-in-law? wouldn't that be his mothers sister?

Just ask him if he wants you to come.

sbsquarepants

mango salsa wrote: »

If you are sensitive and get reminded at funerals of the deaths of close family members it can be very hard!

I always read "i'm sensitive" as "I have never bothered to put any manners on my emotions". You can't just go falling apart at the seams at the slightest provocation and then just write it off as "i'm sensitive".
That being said, my missus tells me i'm a heartless bastard. So, we're all on a spectrum I suppose:D

sbsquarepants

ONeill2013 wrote: »

his fathers sister-in-law? wouldn't that be his mothers sister?

Just ask him if he wants you to come.

Could be, but doesn't have to be. Could also be his fathers, brothers wife.

conorhal

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I always read "i'm sensitive" as "I have never bothered to put any manners on my emotions". You can't just go falling apart at the seams at the slightest provocation and then just write it off as "i'm sensitive".
That being said, my missus tells me i'm a heartless bastard. So, we're all on a spectrum I suppose:D

Yeah, a bit like people that describe themselves as 'uncompromisingly honest' when they actually mean 'pig ignorant rude and incapable of shutting their ill mannered traps'.
I know it applies to us all sometimes, but I don't try to dress it up as a virtue.