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Am I obligated to go to my fiancee aunt's funeral?

0210ania

as i title ..me and my partenr are engaged. His auntie died and i was wondering if have to go?
It's his uncle's wife (his dad's sister in law). I would know this part of his family too well, but because it's his dad's sister in law - it's so called 'close' family.

It will sounds horrible but i don't really want to go because i don't take funerals very well. I would be sometimes more upset than family (only because someone died) and in general it would be on my mind for few days after.

Do you guys think i will be expected to be there because we r engaged?

what's Irish people would be expecting, what's the right thing to do?

P.S i am very sorry for my english!!!!

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Vojera

[Deleted User] wrote: »

While people remember those who do attend, I really don't think they remember those who don't unless they're a really close friend or relative.

In this case, though, I imagine it would be noticed. I know in my family because there are so many of us it's really only weddings and funerals where we can all get together and catch up. So chances are that at the tea afterwards some of the OP's fiancé's family will be saying "Oh, I hear you're engaged now. And where is the lovely lady?"

OP, is there a wake or a removal you could go to instead? If you could do that then missing the funeral would be fine.

[Deleted User]

sparrowcar wrote: »

This is not about you.. It's about supporting the person you love so get over your own issues and be there for your OH.

It sounds harsh but put the shoe on the other foot.. How would you feel of he didn't turn up for a death in your family.

Wouldn't that depend entirely on how he feels about the death though?

Like I said, if he wants her to be there, she should be there. If he is only going because he feels he should and is not going to need any support, then she shouldn't have to go.

Agent Smith

Tbh you've agreed to marry him,and as such agreed to share every aspect of his family, as he has yours.

Reverse the roles, would you expect him to go if it was your aunt? (Even by marriage)

Even if it was strictly family only, you'd still be expected to go I'd imagine

Richard Hillman

Get yourself a whoopie cushion or the ends of a shower gel bottle. Go to the jacks and make as much noise as possible with them. Tell your missus you are feeling a bit under the weather but will try and join them later in the boozer. Sit at home and have a couple of beers in your boxers and then join them later when everyone is feeling a bit merrier.

biko

Tbh, I'd go. It's only a few hours of your time and might help cement your relationship with the rest of the family.

lukesmom

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Go if you can, every tiny bit of support helps everyone involved. I know they aren't nice and I myself never liked them. However my brother was killed last week in a traffic accident and the support I've gotten has been amazing.

I appreciated every single face I saw, every message of support, handshake, hug etc. It made such a difference for me and I feel terrible that there's been family funerals that I've avoided simply because I'm not good at dealing with death.

I was always someone who said "ah sure, they won't care if I turn up or not" but they do and I've found that out first hand this past week, the hardest 7 days of my life.

Jesus I'm so sorry to hear about your brother may he rest in peace x

I Heart Internet

0210ania wrote: »

It will sounds horrible but i don't really want to go because i don't take funerals very well.

This is really about you. It's about a person who has died and a grieving family.

You really should go. It's the respectful thing to do in my honest opinion.

0210ania

Gone Drinking wrote: »

I've found that out first hand this past week, the hardest 7 days of my life.

I am SO sorry for your loss :-( I'm terrible in saying 'right things' but I know how hard it is on you right now. I lost someone i was very close with 6 years ago, and sometimes i'm still feeling like i stil don't accept this what happened. But I know he wouldn't want my life to stop. and so your brother..so live it for both of you. And remember that he is still with you/next to you but in a different way.

As you guys saying I probably will go, unfortunatly I can't only show my face and leave becuase it's in west of Ireland .. I live in Dublin.
Strangely enough removal is on Saturday, funeral on sunday ..i'm workign office hours mon - fr so work can't be my excuse.

But If boarding kennels won't have spaces for my dog thank I will have to stay.. but I would be embarrased to use it as an excuse?

seamus

My wife's grandfather died like 3 years before I met her (so 16 years ago), I'm not Catholic and she still gets a little peeved that I don't go to the yearly memorial mass for him.

So yes, you should go. You have no good reason not to. You're family now.

Strangely enough removal is on Saturday, funeral on sunday ..i'm workign office hours mon - fr so work can't be my excuse.

But If boarding kennels won't have spaces for my dog thank I will have to stay.. but I would be embarrased to use it as an excuse?

Bring the dog. Use "I have to get back to the dog before he wrecks the place" as an excuse to nip out when it gets too much for you, and use the "I have things to do before work tomorrow" excuse, to leave early on Sunday.

HondaSami

If you respect him and his family you will go, it would be rude IMO not to attend.

[Deleted User]

Funerals like this one aren't about how you feel it's about being there and making other people feel better by showing a bit of strength for them. This is a member of your fiancee's family so yes you would be expected to go to it.

Honey-ec

Jesus, some families are clearly very judgemental. If it was my family and a non-blood relative's funeral, the conversation would go like this.

Relative: Oh, where's [insert partner's name]?

You: They couldn't make it.

Relative: Fair enough.

End of conversation.

Moneymaker

Yeah you should go. They're hard things to go to but every bit of support helps. I always dread going but I know the people affected will appreciate and not forget that I was there.

Sorry for your loss GD.

[Deleted User]

OP - the main question here is this:

Does your fiancee want you to attend with him?

Sleepy

seamus wrote: »

My wife's grandfather died like 3 years before I met her (so 16 years ago), I'm not Catholic and she still gets a little peeved that I don't go to the yearly memorial mass for him.

So yes, you should go. You have no good reason not to. You're family now.

Bring the dog. Use "I have to get back to the dog before he wrecks the place" as an excuse to nip out when it gets too much for you, and use the "I have things to do before work tomorrow" excuse, to leave early on Sunday.

Am I reading the bolded bit right? :eek:

Whatever about the rudeness of not showing up to a family funeral, bringing a frigging dog along would be the height of disrespect.

OP, yes you're obligated to go and unless you have to overnight it, I can't see why the dog wouldn't be fine in the back garden.

Goat the dote

Go.

danniemcq

seamus wrote: »

Bring the dog. Use "I have to get back to the dog before he wrecks the place" as an excuse to nip out when it gets too much for you, and use the "I have things to do before work tomorrow" excuse, to leave early on Sunday.

Don't bring the dog ffs!

That would look terrible and you would look like an eejit.

Dog will be grand will a bowl of water and food for 24 hours. If its outdoors then even better, if indoor doggy bit of paper on the ground.

This is a service where their family will be there if you are a no show it will look bad for you. Stop looking for excuses to dodge something that you can't dodge. If you think its gonna be hard on your imagine what its like for the family.

Go and give your support.

Ush1

“Can people please stop using the word ‘obligate’ as a verb?” The noun is “obligation” and the verb is “to oblige.” - Alan Partridge

ballsymchugh

Honey-ec wrote: »

Jesus, some families are clearly very judgemental. If it was my family and a non-blood relative's funeral, the conversation would go like this.

Relative: Oh, where's [insert partner's name]?

You: They went on an internet forum looking for any ould reason not to come.

Relative: ya wha?!!

End of conversation.

fyp

0210ania

seamus wrote: »

Bring the dog. Use "I have to get back to the dog before he wrecks the place" as an excuse to nip out when it gets too much for you, and use the "I have things to do before work tomorrow" excuse, to leave early on Sunday.

You actually made me laugh firts time today

I think I would focus all attention to me and my dog. people give me strange looks already when i'm walking him because it's a staffie (no judgement pelase;))

So no, I wouldn't event think of taking dog with me.

My partner knows me and he know how funerals are hard on me.
He want's me to feel ok more than anything but maybe i have to forget about me ...

He is not overly upset, but feels sad ... his auntie was relatively young person, had still young kids etc. and he want's to be there for his uncle.
He wouldn't be bothered if I wasn't there but i'm more worried if it would look very bad ifI didn't go

minidazzler

Vojera wrote: »

Unless you have a very concrete reason, like work won't give you the time off, then yes, you really should go. It'll be remarked on by his family if you don't, and some people remember that sort of thing for a very long time.

And they tend to be the bitter cnuts who don't die after a reasonable amount of time alive.

seamus

Sleepy wrote: »

Am I reading the bolded bit right? :eek:

No!

I mean bring the dog with her, but not to the funeral. Leave it wherever she's staying, but the excuse (if she needs it) that she needs to go back to the dog before he tears the place apart.

Don't be a moron and leave your dog outside in the back garden on its own for 24 hours.

Though now that people say it, I see no issue with having a dog at a funeral. Most dogs are better behaved than children.

[Deleted User]

0210ania wrote: »

My partner knows me and he know how funerals are hard on me.
He want's me to feel ok more than anything but maybe i have to forget about me ...

He is not overly upset, but feels sad ... his auntie was relatively young person, had still young kids etc. and he want's to be there for his uncle.
He wouldn't be bothered if I wasn't there but i'm more worried if it would look very bad ifI didn't go

Forget the part about it being hard on you. It'll be a hell of a lot harder on most other people there so that should not come in to it.

I know you are saying your fiancee wouldn't be bothered, but you also said he is sad so chances are he would like you to be there by his side, I think you should go based on that.

[Deleted User]

seamus wrote: »

Though now that people say it, I see no issue with having a dog at a funeral. Most dogs are better behaved than children.

Sorry Seamus but this reminded me of the epic crazy cat lady

(even though you're probably right!)

December2012

Go with your fiancé. This is one if those "for worse" things.

Remember that those people who will take comfort from you being there are your future in laws.

Gone drinking I'm really sorry for your loss.

It is a huge comfort to get support at a funeral. I sadly have recent first hand experience of this.

wexie

seamus wrote: »

No!

I mean bring the dog with her, but not to the funeral. Leave it wherever she's staying, but the excuse (if she needs it) that she needs to go back to the dog before he tears the place apart.

Don't be a moron and leave your dog outside in the back garden on its own for 24 hours.

Though now that people say it, I see no issue with having a dog at a funeral. Most dogs are better behaved than children.

I think there should be more (well behaved) dogs at funerals, tends to put smiles on a lot of faces when they're badly needed.

(then again the same could be said for kids (well behaved ones))

Legs.Eleven

Funerals are never nice but sometimes you have to suck it up for the sake of the person you love.

0210ania

seamus wrote: »

No!

I mean bring the dog with her, but not to the funeral. Leave it wherever she's staying, but the excuse (if she needs it) that she needs to go back to the dog before he tears the place apart.

Don't be a moron and leave your dog outside in the back garden on its own for 24 hours.

Though now that people say it, I see no issue with having a dog at a funeral. Most dogs are better behaved than children.

I wouldn't think of bringing it to the funeral itself, but maybe place where i'm staying...but person where we would consider staying have a dog :-(
and as you are saying i wouldn't leve animal outside for 24 h

danniemcq

0210ania wrote: »

I wouldn't think of bringing it to the funeral itself, but maybe place where i'm staying...but person where we would consider staying have a dog :-(
and as you are saying i wouldn't leve animal outside for 24 h

Yeah cause dogs aren't waterproof and have been staying indoors since cave times.

If its a big dog that doesn't bark, garden with food and water will do. You'll be away for 30ish hours.

If its a small dog same rules apply with food and drink just leave some papers down.

Dogs aren't like children, they know how to take care of themselves.

If you are really worried ask a neighbour to look in on it or to feed it. Explain that you have to go to a funeral and they shouldn't have an issue with that.

[Deleted User]

danniemcq wrote: »

If its a big dog that doesn't bark, garden with food and water will do. You'll be away for 30ish hours.

I wouldn't ever leave a dog alone for 30 hours. That's just awful