Why do men tend to be submissive in relationships?
So I have wanted to start a discussion on this for quite a while but have never got round to it until now.
Before I begin, even though this is posted in The Gentlemen's Club, I would openly welcome women's views with interest as to why they believe this phenomenon occurs. I would also be interested to hear if this trend has changed over the years.
What I am talking about is what is colloquially referred to as 'wearing the trousers' in a relationship.
I think most sensible people would argue that the best sort of relationship is one where both partners have equal input into decisions and enjoy a healthy, balanced partnership. However, this in practice often does not occur and in my experience, one person is usually (albeit slightly in some cases) dominant. And among my friends and acquaintances, women I would say would be the ones clearly in charge in around 70-80 percent of cases. I know a few where the man is the dominant figure, but they are much rarer. This is obviously taken from a Western Europe perspective, I can't comment on situations in other countries/continents.
So, why is this? Is it an evolutionary trend that has held constant over decades to ensure solid relationships in addition to a stable background for the children growing up? Or is it biological or sociological in its essence, or even cultural, we all presumably have seen films/TV shows where the quintessential tough-guy gangster/thug type who fears no one, ends up deferring to his wife when she puts her foot down?
The lazy stereotype in my view is that the woman decides when to have sex, so if the man wants to indulge, he has to keep her sweet. This is nonetheless a weak argument and ignores all variations in sex drive between individuals, plus paints all men as being pathologically weak and incapable of thinking of anything other than fornication. The annoying 'silent treatment' also derives from and is a result of this belief in my opinion.
Some of my female friends tell me that it is necessary to manipulate the man into doing what they want, because if they don't, the couple will get nothing done. Now I don't necessarily agree with this, again it's lazy stereotyping in my eyes, but it possibly indicates a greater tendency for men to be laid back and content with the status quo. This theory would also be consistent with men who seek out partners that remind them of their mothers, they enjoy a sort of extended childhood, where the girlfriend takes over the previous role of the mother, doing their washing, planning their daily lives, holidays away and so on. I know a couple of relationships like this.
But of course all men are not laid-back. Some are extremely driven. If we look at purely traditional roles of the man and the woman, this particular dynamic would be more prevalent in previous generations, where the man went out to work and took care of the family finances, whereas the woman dealt with domestic duties. Again I would be interested to hear from others who remember relationships from many years ago, who was in charge exactly.
Speaking from a male perspective, things certainly change once in a relationship. Your focus tends to switch from your good friends to your girlfriend/partner. (And back again once you split up but that's another story). So I think there is a certain expectation and instinct, both biological and societal for the man then to look after the woman, to concentrate on her and make sure she wants for nothing. The problem is, one can get dangerously close in this instance to putting them on a pedestal. A happy medium of respect without suffocating the person is ideal, but I have seen only too well how easy it is to cross the line. So doing the latter can potentially turn the nicest individual into someone who can on occasion become diva-like.
A scenario I have witnessed countless times over the years is when a close friend brings out his girlfriend at night in a group situation, everything is going well, until, because of something that she doesn't like, (presumably fairly innocuous) the girlfriend starts making moody faces, goes a bit quiet, the boyfriend leans over, asks what's wrong, gives a few comforting touches, whispers to her something incomprehensible, she nods and next thing we know it's 'Right, we're off, see you soon.' Which usually leads to people rashly jumping to conclusions that the boyfriend here is 'under the thumb,' which may or may not be true. One thing which is very important to remember is that no one really knows what goes on inside relationships except the two involved, so these are just presumptions, even though they could be to a large degree accurate. Again I want to make clear here this is not an attack on all women, simply that anyone who is indulged a lot will be likely to develop certain 'spoilt brat' tendencies, it is merely the case that men tend to be the cause of this more often, whereas women tend to treat their partner in a more 'grounded' fashion.
Society also tends to favour the woman being the decision-maker, you see constant indirect references to it, the 'I'll have to ask the wife' scenario. Of course to stick up for females here, no one is ever forced into a relationship with a gun to their head. If there are so many men that defer to their girlfriend or wife, there must be a reason for this, ie, that's what they prefer and where they feel most comfortable.
Unfortunately I feel that on occasion there is an implication that relationships where the man is the dominant partner are in some way abusive, where he is bullying or battering her into submission, which again I think is quite unfair. I believe it's perfectly feasible to have a respectful healthy relationship where the man makes most of the important decisions, as long as he doesn't conduct himself in a supercilious manner and considers the woman's feelings at all times.
In my own experiences, I'd like to think that most of my previous relationships have been relatively equal, although maybe that is wishful thinking on my part. One girl I went out with, who was otherwise very charming, was extremely stubborn and if ever we had a disagreement, she would act distant (even if it was her fault) until I relented and apologised or whatever. So I suppose you could argue she held the cards there.
So I am quite interested as to what everyone thinks are the reasons for this phenomenon.
