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Slightly different wedding

Polycom

Hey Guys,

Planning my wedding for next year, the 2 of us are not into the big weddings, with 100+ guests and all the other crack that goes with it. So we're planning something different, wouldn't mind getting few ideas/opinions/pitfalls and out plans. the plan is as follows;

1. Have the church ceremony for just immediate family
2. Have dinner just after at a country house we have rented, again with immediate family
3. Have a bus going from our town, which will bring our friends and any other family members to the house, where we will have music/dj/proper food/drink for all our guests

Some issues that have come up, Bar-we have a proper bar sorted, Food-we have some quality food sorted, but it wont be the formal sit down dinner, weather-plan to have part of it outdoors, so marquee in reserve

Any ideas, please share!

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Sleepy

It seems to be becoming a far more popular type of wedding than it used to be, lots of people going down the "small wedding / big afters" route these days.

Things to consider: where will your guests stay? Are there enough rooms in the house to accommodate people or will they all be expected to find accommodation in the town? Is the "residents bar" end of the wedding something you're willing to forego or will you be paying for all drink to make sure you can serve as late as you like?

How much is this likely to cost you? Marquee and Country House hire are very expensive, you might find the traditional hotel wedding far cheaper to hold.

Finally, it might not be a factor (and is often considered rude to discuss) but most people will give a smaller gift if only going to an afters so you'd need to make sure you can afford the entire cost of the wedding and not leave yourself relying on gifts to pay for some or all of it.

lazygal

I hate to sound like a party pooper but as a guest I'd be a bit confused as to why I wasn't asked to the wedding ceremony but invited to the knees up. In fact, I'd probably feel like it was a token invite. I don't generally go to the afters of weddings anyway, unless its a close enough location and it suits. I know the small wedding/big afters thing is becoming more popular, but I know when we sent invites for the afters for our wedding (mainly to mollify my inlaws who wanted a much larger wedding) most people declined, and they'd have lived pretty close to the venue.

Polycom

Sleepy wrote: »

It seems to be becoming a far more popular type of wedding than it used to be, lots of people going down the "small wedding / big afters" route these days.

Things to consider: where will your guests stay? Are there enough rooms in the house to accommodate people or will they all be expected to find accommodation in the town? Is the "residents bar" end of the wedding something you're willing to forego or will you be paying for all drink to make sure you can serve as late as you like?

The guests (except family) will have a bus taking them home. There is also a hotel near by. Will have a few drinks for the people staying over, but otherwise not bothered with the residents bar.

How much is this likely to cost you? Marquee and Country House hire are very expensive, you might find the traditional hotel wedding far cheaper to hold.

will cost slightly less than a standard wedding, but we're not doing it over the price, we're doing it cause we think we will enjoy it more

Finally, it might not be a factor (and is often considered rude to discuss) but most people will give a smaller gift if only going to an afters so you'd need to make sure you can afford the entire cost of the wedding and not leave yourself relying on gifts to pay for some or all of it.

When costing the wedding we have factored in to receive zero from our guests, so this isnt an issue. Also, i wouldnt class it as an afters to a wedding, not in the normal sense of the word, and this is something i will drilling into friends etc so they dont feel left out (people, please dont argue about whether this is an afters or not-not getting into it)

thanks for the reply Sleepy

Polycom

lazygal wrote: »

I hate to sound like a party pooper but as a guest I'd be a bit confused as to why I wasn't asked to the wedding ceremony but invited to the knees up. In fact, I'd probably feel like it was a token invite. I don't generally go to the afters of weddings anyway, unless its a close enough location and it suits. I know the small wedding/big afters thing is becoming more popular, but I know when we sent invites for the afters for our wedding (mainly to mollify my inlaws who wanted a much larger wedding) most people declined, and they'd have lived pretty close to the venue.

As i just posted, since its immediate family at the wedding (16 people), i don't think my friends will see the issue. I cant see most people being bothered to be honest, they don't have to sit through a ceremony/speeches/big dinner, they get to turn up and have food/drink and a dance.

the fact is the "afters" wont actually be that big either, just our friends and aunties/uncles etc we wont be inviting bucket loads of people

lazygal

Polycom wrote: »

As i just posted, since its immediate family at the wedding (16 people), i don't think my friends will see the issue. I cant see most people being bothered to be honest, they don't have to sit through a ceremony/speeches/big dinner, they get to turn up and have food/drink and a dance.

the fact is the "afters" wont actually be that big either, just our friends and aunties/uncles etc we wont be inviting bucket loads of people

I know you know your crowd, I'm just giving you another point of view. In my circle of friends afters invites are generally regarded as second best and people only go if they don't have to travel or stay over. I actually like the ceremony/speeches/big dinner part of a wedding, I feel like I'm really sharing the day with the couple. For me the ceremony is the main part of the day, so when I'm not invited to that part, I feel like I've missed out.

Polycom

lazygal wrote: »

I know you know your crowd, I'm just giving you another point of view. In my circle of friends afters invites are generally regarded as second best and people only go if they don't have to travel or stay over. I actually like the ceremony/speeches/big dinner part of a wedding, I feel like I'm really sharing the day with the couple. For me the ceremony is the main part of the day, so when I'm not invited to that part, I feel like I've missed out.

thanks for the reply, i see what your saying, i just think that since no one is invited, no one will feel they are missing out

Sleepy

TBH, I'd be similar... I love the meal & speeches.

We're only really sending out afters invites to some cousins that live near to the venue and that I wouldn't see from one year to the next. If they come, great, if not, I won't be upset about it.

I've appreciated some of the afters invites I've received to weddings of guys I used to pal about with in school but would have seen very little of since etc. but can't remember going to one since I was about 18 and it was a neighbourhood friend's older brother's/sister's wedding.

And no matter how much you try and drill it into their heads that it's not, a lot of people will consider what you're inviting them to, to "just" be an afters.

I wish you all the best of luck with it but be prepared for a few friends who'll be upset not to be invited to the ceremony etc. We looked into doing something similar ourselves (city hall and a meal for a small number of family and friends afterwards followed by a party in a local sports club) but it would've meant a mid-week wedding (we wanted Satruday) and far too many Aunties / friends getting upset at being left out.

Sleepy

Polycom wrote: »

i just think that since no one is invited, no one will feel they are missing out

There's the problem: you're trying to apply common sense and logic to an Irish wedding!!!!

j/k

hoodwinked

we kept our church/meal tiny, and invited everyone down for the 'afters' we explained it was just going to be immediate family at the church and meal, but we wanted the people we cared about and other relations to come down at a more suitable time in the evening ala a night out. (it was a weekday so people were somewhat grateful they didn't need to take two days off work this way)

ditto for my husbands work people, they were all able to go to work that day and the next day (slightly hungover mind) :pac:

and when people heard from us everyone was coming in at the same time (other then family) i think people didn't mind as much then!

Polycom

hoodwinked wrote: »

we kept our church/meal tiny, and invited everyone down for the 'afters' we explained it was just going to be immediate family at the church and meal, but we wanted the people we cared about and other relations to come down at a more suitable time in the evening ala a night out. (it was a weekday so people were somewhat grateful they didn't need to take two days off work this way)

ditto for my husbands work people, they were all able to go to work that day and the next day (slightly hungover mind) :pac:

and when people heard from us everyone was coming in at the same time (other then family) i think people didn't mind as much then!

thanks for the reply, how did it workout overall? where you happy with it?

thats a positive of doing it this way, as we were planning a small wedding, most nice venues insisted on a weekday, which means prob 2 days off work for people, and the nice hotels were charging silly money for rooms, so from friends point of view, they dont have to take days off work, dont have to travel far and it wont cost them a bucket load of cash

Apart from a few people being put out by not seeing the ceremony, i think its a lot less hassle for everyone involved

hoodwinked

Polycom wrote: »

thanks for the reply, how did it workout overall? where you happy with it?

thats a positive of doing it this way, as we were planning a small wedding, most nice venues insisted on a weekday, which means prob 2 days off work for people, and the nice hotels were charging silly money for rooms, so from friends point of view, they dont have to take days off work, dont have to travel far and it wont cost them a bucket load of cash

Apart from a few people being put out by not seeing the ceremony, i think its a lot less hassle for everyone involved

overall? i will admit looking at the photo's the church does look a bit empty, even with such a small church we only filled 3 rows either side, (we had 50ish) but then it was nice and intimate only having a small group of people who we see every week anyways there with us, and the priest (grooms uncle) did fun things like got people up and moving about...etc because we had so much room. it was a really interactive service.

the hotel also did a great job setting up the tables so the room there looked full and not too spacious, and they set up more tables then after the meal for the new guests.

HunniBear

Are you British OP?

This sounds like a British event, have the ceremony in a school gym and then head down to the Queen Vic for pork scratchings and some fingerfood

Sleepy

On the mid-day / weekend thing, unless it's a Friday which many people seem to be happy to take off (and hotels charge Saturday rates for), you might find that people invited from outside of your home town can't make it due to work commitments / simply being unprepared to use a couple of days of their annual leave for a night out...

Polycom

HunniBear wrote: »

Are you British OP?

This sounds like a British event, have the ceremony in a school gym and then head down to the Queen Vic for pork scratchings and some fingerfood

haha-no im irish, and its on a friday, so no one will have to take any days off,, maybe a half day at most, that was part of the issue, i dont like asking people to take a couple of days off, with presents, clothes etc it gets very expensive for people to come

ABajaninCork

HunniBear wrote: »

Are you British OP?

This sounds like a British event, have the ceremony in a school gym and then head down to the Queen Vic for pork scratchings and some fingerfood

What's the nationality got to do with it?

The OP just wants something different, that's all.

I'm English. No wedding I've been to sounds remotely like what you describe..

evilmonkee

lazygal wrote: »

I hate to sound like a party pooper but as a guest I'd be a bit confused as to why I wasn't asked to the wedding ceremony but invited to the knees up. In fact, I'd probably feel like it was a token invite.

lazygal wrote: »

In my circle of friends afters invites are generally regarded as second best and people only go if they don't have to travel or stay over.

I think that it is really about knowing your crowd or just doing it your way and toss to anyone else

.

My cousin is getting married this winter, she has invited only direct family/friends to the church and meal... this is how she wants to do things and in my circle there is no second thought given to that.

We will be traveling for over 1 hour to get to the afters (so not just around the corner) and we will be heading home afterwards. We're going because we want to celebrate her day with her, regardless of whether its only for the evening.

On a more personal note: IMHO, a wedding is just a party. If you are in a committed relationship and you have built your life together then the wedding day is a party celebrating that (plus some legal bits). You should get to celebrate and party in whatever way you feel most comfortable and will have the most fun in doing.
Whether that is a big princess wedding, going paintballing or just having a nice meal.

HunniBear

ABajaninCork wrote: »

What's the nationality got to do with it? The OP just wants something different, that's all.

I'm English. No wedding I've been to sounds remotely like what you describe..

I have been invited to 7 English weddings.

One took place in a hotel.

One took place in a School Gym, and was a bring your own beer event.

4 took place in a registry office, followed by a reception in a wetherspoons (genuinely)

One took place in the persons home in a council estate.

All the Irish weddings i've attended have been classy affairs.

ABajaninCork

HunniBear wrote: »

I have been invited to 7 English weddings.

One took place in a hotel.

One took place in a School Gym, and was a bring your own beer event.

4 took place in a registry office, followed by a reception in a wetherspoons (genuinely)

One took place in the persons home in a council estate.

All the Irish weddings i've attended have been classy affairs.

Depends on what you call classy...

To each their own. You have what you can afford, and at least these people probably won't be starting married life in debt, having 'classy' affairs for show. Clearly, we move in different circles...

John Mason

This is what we had.

40 for the service and dinner, and 100+ for the afters.

we made sure, it was in a venue where everyone could make their own way there and back (Dublin City) .

It was brilliant. we didnt get married until 5.30pm, dinner was for 6.30pm and finished around 8-8.30pm'ish, just as everyone was arriving. we didnt get the music starting until around 10pm' which gave us a chance to chat to all the afters people, and let everyone relax and get in the mood.

I would recommend it to anyone plus the benefits of having a late wedding are amazing. i didnt get up until around 12'ish, headed off for a big lazy fry up and a few drinks :cool:

Sleepy

From what I've seen on here, yours looked like a great night irishbird and I think there's something the OP might learn from it: the venue location makes a big difference for this type of wedding.

A country house forces people to commit to her time-table if they want to get the coach she's putting on and leaves a limited choice of accommodation. A central location in the large town / city the majority of your guests live in or that has a wide range of accommodation options makes life a lot easier for guests.

Obviously, if everyone being invited come from the same town, this might not be a factor but there's few weddings that don't have a good few guests that have travelled to be there.

John Mason

sorry had to do some work there.

everyone was told it was a small wedding, family only. no-one complained.

we had people travelling from Scotland, London, Silvertone, Beruit, Wexford, Wicklow, Louth, Meath, Kildare etc.

Ours was a fanastic night, people are still talking about it 6 months later. It was so much more relaxed than a "normal" wedding.

at the end of the day, it is your wedding and people just need to suck it up.

Oh, meant to say there was no accomodation in our venue, everyone either had to go home or book into a local hotel.

we told everyone where we were staying and left it up them to decide, some stayed with us, some went home, some stayed in BB's or different hotels.

Further edit: we got married on Friday, which meant most people only had to take a half day from work.

montzarella

i was invited to the afters of a friend who had a similar type wedding. she had got married in Vegas and wanted something for family and friends when she came back.

She had a church wedding with just family and then dinner for just family. Loads of people got the afters invites to the hotel then. The problem i had with this was, as we arrived at the hotel, we passed by the room where they were all sat having their meal.....it just felt strange that I got to see them all sitting down having their meal and us not there.

At the afters we got cock tail sausages and chicken wings.....and found out that she had invited two friends to the FAMILY only meal. Thats not good when myself and another girl have been close friends with her since childhood, and we felt like she chose other close friends over us. It hurt a little, but its her wedding and she gets to do what she wants, but I would recommend that if you say Family, you mean family only.

I dont mind the format of the wedding, with us just going to the afters, but if you say family only and mix friends in, you hurt other friends. I would make sure your meal is over, or that your afters only guests dont see you all sitting down tucking in. We had to pass them as we entered the hotel, it was just the location of where the dining room was. Just felt a bit mean I think...not sure what the right word was.

reprazant

lazygal wrote: »

I know you know your crowd, I'm just giving you another point of view. In my circle of friends afters invites are generally regarded as second best and people only go if they don't have to travel or stay over. I actually like the ceremony/speeches/big dinner part of a wedding, I feel like I'm really sharing the day with the couple. For me the ceremony is the main part of the day, so when I'm not invited to that part, I feel like I've missed out.

I find this view really strange.

If my friend was getting married and it was a family only wedding, why would I feel put out by only being invited to the 'afters'? I am not family so would not expect to be invited.

HunniBear

reprazant wrote: »

I find this view really strange.

If my friend was getting married and it was a family only wedding, why would I feel put out by only being invited to the 'afters'? I am not family so would not expect to be invited.

Awooga

lazygal

reprazant wrote: »

I find this view really strange.

If my friend was getting married and it was a family only wedding, why would I feel put out by only being invited to the 'afters'? I am not family so would not expect to be invited.

Not strange at all. For me, the 'wedding' is the ceremony. I like to see the couple get married and exchange vows. If I'm a close friend/family member, I'll be invited to the whole day. If I'm not, I won't be. So if I'm not close enough to the couple to attend the main feature of the day, the vows, I'm not going to be as likely to be as excited to attend what's essentially an after party.

If you want a small wedding ceremony/dinner, followed by a large party, by all means have it. But my experience, having planned a wedding and being of an age where we have many weddings each year, is that Irish people regard an invitation to the afters/party only part of a wedding as a second rate or more casual type of invitation and mightn't feel like they need to go.

tinytyrant1

evilmonkee wrote: »

I think that it is really about knowing your crowd or just doing it your way and toss to anyone else .

On a more personal note: IMHO, a wedding is just a party. If you are in a committed relationship and you have built your life together then the wedding day is a party celebrating that (plus some legal bits). You should get to celebrate and party in whatever way you feel most comfortable and will have the most fun in doing.
Whether that is a big princess wedding, going paintballing or just having a nice meal.

I totally agree with this!

Just something to consider though: I have been to two of the "family ceremony, friends party after" type weddings recently. At one of them, I barely saw the bride and groom except to hand them a gift on the way in the door. There was nothing at all to mark the night out from any other. Maybe just consider some kind of moment/ritual/speech/whatever to make sure your night is distinctive?

Vojera

reprazant wrote: »

I find this view really strange.

If my friend was getting married and it was a family only wedding, why would I feel put out by only being invited to the 'afters'? I am not family so would not expect to be invited.

I think that so long as it really is family-only then there's no problem, everyone is happy. It's when you invite one or two "close friends" as well that people start feeling slighted as you are essentially telling them-intentionally or not-that their presence at your wedding is not as important as these exception-to-the-rule-friends.

It all depends on your crowd and circumstances. For example, I'm from Donegal but getting married in Westmeath. It wouldn't be practical to invite people from home to the afters-they're either invited to the whole day or not at all. Then some people are closer to some of their friends than members of their immediate family, but to include them in a small gathering would be perceived as a slight by others who didn't get an invite.

The thing with weddings is that someone is always going to take the hump over something. Someone's kids were invited and someone else's weren't (never mind that maybe the wedding couple see the first set of kids regularly and have met the second lot once), so and so got to sit at such a table and someone else got put at a table away from them... Do what you want to do. If someone takes issue, let them! Not your problem!

reprazant

HunniBear wrote: »

Awooga

reprazant

lazygal wrote: »

Not strange at all. For me, the 'wedding' is the ceremony. I like to see the couple get married and exchange vows. If I'm a close friend/family member, I'll be invited to the whole day. If I'm not, I won't be. So if I'm not close enough to the couple to attend the main feature of the day, the vows, I'm not going to be as likely to be as excited to attend what's essentially an after party.

If you want a small wedding ceremony/dinner, followed by a large party, by all means have it. But my experience, having planned a wedding and being of an age where we have many weddings each year, is that Irish people regard an invitation to the afters/party only part of a wedding as a second rate or more casual type of invitation and mightn't feel like they need to go.

The original wedding was for family only with friends invited to the afters. If I did that and some of my friends decided not to go purely because they weren't invited to the whole thing, I would think that they obviously weren't that good a friend since they got in a hump about it being family only.

John Mason

we invited some friends and some family to our wedding of 40 people.

TBH, if any of my friends had an issue about about not being invited to the service, i would no longer consider them a friend.

True friends are happy to celebrate your wedding regardless of whatever they were invited to the full event or not.

as i said my friend came from Beruit for "just" the afters.