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Marriage cert = €150, average Irish wedding cost in a recession= €29,000, why?

Bride2012

I'm getting married in June and wanted a small wedding but I got pressured by family and friends to make it bigger as 'you'll regret it if you don't'. Now I've a big, expensive wedding that I don't really want. I hear of this happening so often, usually parents having their own big guest list. Why do we do it to ourselves in Ireland?

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cson

I would tend to think that a lot of people blur the lines between Wedding and Marriage - they aren't the same.

Whilst I think the sentiment from the two gentlemen at the top of the page is very extremist and some of it just plain wrong, there is a huge element in this country of it "being my big day" as opposed to "our big day".

In my more mischievous days I used to wind up my female friends no end when it came to engagement rings - i.e. it doesn't matter if it €20 or €20,000, they still symbolize the same thing at the end of the day. Apparently not according to them :P

Bride2012

I am just bowing to the 'but we got invited to their son/daughter's wedding'. It's the people pleaser in me and my parents have done so much for me that I'm finding it hard to say no.

py2006

ahh women and their days out!

billybudd

Bride2012 wrote: »

I am just bowing to the 'but we got invited to their son/daughter's wedding'. It's the people pleaser in me and my parents have done so much for me that I'm finding it hard to say no.

Some silly harsh words on this thread, you are a reluctant disney bride just dont stress about it and remember its really about you and your husband to be and life will regain normality afterwards, congratulations and hope you have a great fun wedding and bright happy future.

fran oconnor

Bride2012 wrote: »

I am just bowing to the 'but we got invited to their son/daughter's wedding'. It's the people pleaser in me and my parents have done so much for me that I'm finding it hard to say no.

Your perents are wrong for putting you and your partner under such presure imo, it seems like its a keeping up with the Joneses situation if you ask me. Its not your problem that your perents went to their friends son's wedding. Just look after yourselves. You seem like a smart enough person for questioning this type of spending anyway so don't go along with it for the sake of others.
Perents at times can have to much to say for themselves in situations like this.

homerjay2005

lazygal wrote: »

What kind of wedding are you basing those figures on? I know people who got deals of €45 a head all in, dress second hand, mates' rates on photos etc. and had weddings for 200 for €10,000. A cousin of mine spent a lot more on her 80 guests because her dad forked out and they had a lavish affair. We had 90 guests, food and drink and band were the bulk of our costs, everything else was haggled on big time, like I got hubby's ring online for £30. So there's no wedding "rule of thumb" and no, no one should be looking on their guests as a source of income to pay for a lifestyle choice of ANY kind, even a wedding.

the word that stands out here is lavish. there is a difference between lavish and big.an average wedding will cost 10,000 and doesnt make much difference if you have 50 people or 80, its still goign to cost 9 or 10,000.

ive been to weddings for €40 a head, ive been to weddings for €99 a head, neither wedding was better than the other, its just choice of hotel. you select a hotel that you can afford.

lifestyle choice is not a word, i would associate with a wedding and i dont think i ever will, any weddign ive ever been to has been normal, except for the one that cost €99 a head, which was indeed lavish and that couple were well able to afford it and it was their choice.

John Doe1

In life I find the the simplest things are the best, I intend to have a small wedding where there is less stress. It will still be best day of my life even if my 2nd uncle twice removed and isnt there.:D

[Deleted User]

Weddings much like having kids should be looked at as a military exercise. You look at how much money you gave and how much you will need. The plan accordingly, save the money you need for the day you want or cut back to suit your savings.

Expecting people to cover the cost of their attending is a joke. It's part of the reason I never give cash gifts, if I'm only invited for what I'll put in the card then it's their loss not mine.

The mentality that you have to invite Tom and Mary from up the road in case you upset them is ridiculous. My girlfriends mother is of that opinion and I know that if we were ever to get married she'd want 150+ people invited that we wouldn't know. My parents had a tiny wedding, immediate family only and had a day they'll always remember. There was no running around making small talk with near strangers and had a stress free day.

deanswift

YouTookMyName wrote: »

Book a week in Rome and get married there.

Right on!!!
We got married in Rome in 1978 and this coming Xmas we celebrate our 33rd wedding anniversary...................omg 33 years ago and it feels like 33 days..............we were at a wedding recently day1 disco at night in marquee ..........day2 evening reception in the marquee............day3 civil wedding ceremony in hotel followd by another sit down meal roughly 200 guests at each are people totally SRLM stark raving looney mad ?????
What a bore the whole thing was and such a waste of money.

twowheelsonly

For our wedding (waaaay back in the 80s') we split the guest list 4 ways, 20 people each for myself, my Mrs and both sets of parents giving a total of 80 and no kids allowed bar the flower girl and page boy.
The decision we made was that if anybody wanted more then they paid for them themselves at the hotel/meal rate.
It worked a charm. We ended up with just over 100 but all of the extra guests were paid for.
If we hadn't done that my mother alone would have had close to 100 herself!!
It forced everybody to think about who their actual real friends were and who they really wanted there rather than the 'returned favour' syndrome that is so prolific in Ireland.
We had an open invitation for afterwards and there was close to 500 people there that all had a great night.
Personally these days I prefer to just go to the afters of a wedding rather than the whole day and wouldn't expect to be invited to any of my friends kids weddings. A wedding invitation now is like getting a summons ffs!!

Best wedding I ever attended was a very good friend that only had their immediate family at the whole day, 12 people, and only 4 of us were invited afterwards. Great night where we all sat around chatting, laughing and singing and no forced pace on anything. It was a superb night, shared by them with their nearest and dearest. I thought it was magnificent. My Mrs was sceptical beforehand but afterwards commented that 'That's what we should have done' !!

Bride2012

I suppose part of it that I've never been to a small or even a different wedding so it's hard to imagine it even if I did manage to cut the guest list.

stinkle

Reading this thread has reminded me of something a (recently married) mate told me - when she was at the wedding of a workmate the poor bride was run ragged trying to make small talk with a ton of relatives, at one poin t she had to apologise to the work gang 'for not talking to you much, but you're not old'. Seemingly there had been a lot of family pressure to invite every old biddy that had ever met the bride, and she felt obliged to spend a lot of time with them, lest anyone got offended. As an aside there was a bit if disapproval over it being a civil wedding, mostly from the same shower of old folk.

The way I see it is., you cant please everyone so at least please yourself and have the day you are most comfortable with.

Kash

We got married in August - we had less than 50 guests, and it was wonderful.

I knew everybody there, and because of the small crowd, i was never under pressure to get around and speak to everyone, it just happened naturally.

It was very relaxed, and it was clear that everyone had a great time, from the youngest who danced his little socks off to the eldest who got falling down drunk.

Hopefully not too late for you Bride 2012, but you should have the wedding that YOU both want, it is your day. Your parents should understand that, and if they don't, then let them throw a big party for everyone after you get back from honeymoon. But keep your day yours - your hubby and you will be glad you did.

cofy

Mike 1972 wrote: »

There does tend to be a bit of confusion over what the "marital breakdown rate" is actually measuring of course.

In the US the divorce rate is over 50% yet around two thirds of couples marrying for the first time (despite the tendency to do so are a relatively young age) will never get divorced. (Its people who get married/divorced multiple times who drive the stats up)

On the other hand a lot of marriiages have effectly broken down without the couple having formally sperated.

WTF?

Seriously not trying to be a smart@r$€ but what decade are we talking about here ?

2007. Believe it or not. Thanks, because I seemed to be the only one who thought this was odd.

tightropetom

It's not too late to pull back on the spending, esp if youhaven't sent the invites out yet (or have you?). Watch Steve Jobs' speech about not living other people's dreams. Revise everything. Take charge of YOUR wedding. Fook what other people do or think.

How about a foreign wedding? Attracts fewer people. Cheaper all round on costs, and everyone gets a holiday.

cofy

Bride2012 wrote: »

I'm getting married in June and wanted a small wedding but I got pressured by family and friends to make it bigger as 'you'll regret it if you don't'. Now I've a big, expensive wedding that I don't really want. I hear of this happening so often, usually parents having their own big guest list. Why do we do it to ourselves in Ireland?

As my parents said with regard to our wedding day "we had our wedding day now it's your turn to have yours, do it the way that will please you both". Best of luck, and I hope that what ever happens you enjoy your day.

Rockery Woman

Its all about the wedding isnt it - nothing about the marraige....

I feel sorry for people being pressurised into having the "Big Day". My husband and I got married in Rome 5 years ago, we chose to travel alone.

His brother was a bit miffed about us not giving him a "Big Day". So I told him simply "This is what P and I want, when you decide to get married, you go ahead and have your big day, we want to do this our own way".

My advice to anyone getting married nowadays is:

Do what you and your husband want to do. Sit down, decide between you about guests, hotel/venue, DJ, etc.

Remember, when you come home from your honeymoon - be it in Barbados or Balbriggan, it will be just the two of you. It wont matter whether you spent 30k or E30! You will be just as married regardless of what ye spent!

My sister is marrying an "only son" next year and mother-in-lawzilla is already pumping up the guest list.... :eek:

rubadub

Bride2012 wrote: »

I got pressured by family and friends to make it bigger as 'you'll regret it if you don't'.

Can you not try and pressure them right back, saying "you'll regret squandering that money if you do have it". Next they'll be pressuring you into having kids which is going to cost even more.

Bride2012 wrote: »

We do know them all, we've, 14 uncles, 9 aunts and 58 first cousins between us and then add partners. Then our friends and colleagues and then our parents' friends and colleagues. I just need to find a line.

I haven't been at any of my first cousins weddings, neither has my brother. My parents get invited to them, I have never expected to be. Many get married in other countires, cheaper to run and only those really interested will turn up.

Mike 1972

WTF is it with anyway with amilies (particularly Mammies) interfering in their offsprings weddings/personal lives in general

Have their own lives been such a dissapointment that they need to live out their fantasies through their kids ?

uck51js9zml2yt

We had 70 people. meal. dj and evening food in a hotel in dublin for about 3k. Meal had choice of 5 starters,mains and deserts with tea coffee

gabsdot40

My brother was married in the states last month. it was a lovely wedding. church in the morning followed my lunch for the family and a few close friends in a family type restaurant, (think Captain America's)
Then that evening there was a reception in the brides parents garden, a plate of finger food per person, lemonade, (no booze) wedding cake made by the brides sister. it lasted about 2 hours and probably 100 people came.
It was beautiful and my brother and his wife had a lovely relaxed day. it was a real celebration of their marriage, not their wedding.

candy-gal1

exactly, i never understand paying sooo much for basically a party. but im the other end of the spectrum anyway, id put a lot more meaning into a memorable and very romantic proposal, nice ring, and commitment, thats it.

but each to their own.

actual marraige and weddings is just a contract and joint bank account imho, unless it was in las vegas as i could get it annuled then if wanted

pebbles21

MY wedding

1.Limo arrived at house and brought us to the registry office

2.Got married and limo brought us to the airport

3.Chicken and chips reception in airport bar

4.Plane to the canary islands

Im Divorced now

Big Nasty

I'm getting married in three weeks time. Will be living it up in Vegas for a week then doing a road trip from Vegas to LA and on to San Fran. When we come back we're having an evening reception so no limits on numbers and everyone is happy. All in it should cost no more than €15k in total and that will give us sh1tloads of spending money while we're away.

Friends of mine got married recently in Dublin. 150 guests and the whole gig worked out at €30k. They could only afford to go down the country on honeymoon.

Shenshen

Bride2012 wrote: »

I'm getting married in June and wanted a small wedding but I got pressured by family and friends to make it bigger as 'you'll regret it if you don't'. Now I've a big, expensive wedding that I don't really want. I hear of this happening so often, usually parents having their own big guest list. Why do we do it to ourselves in Ireland?

Honestly? No idea.
Our wedding was around €2000.00 all inclusive, and it was absolutely brilliant.
What's to regret about only having people you really want to be there on your big day? What's to regret about buying a dress online for €100 rather than shelling out a couple of grand?
What's to regret about making your own, personalised invitations rather than spending hundreds of Euros for someone else to do them?

nicechick!

Bride2012 wrote: »

I'm getting married in June and wanted a small wedding but I got pressured by family and friends to make it bigger as 'you'll regret it if you don't'. Now I've a big, expensive wedding that I don't really want. I hear of this happening so often, usually parents having their own big guest list. Why do we do it to ourselves in Ireland?

Let this be a lesson to you! Your not yet married yet they have an opinion of how things should be done well just role on a couple of years when there could be children etc involved they'll still be giving you an ''opinion''

Lessons to learn going forward: Tell you family to butt out of your marriage!

Cancel everything! and start again with what you wanted you may loose some cash but seriously 29k if I was going to spend that kinda cash I rather spend it on a holiday of a lifetime with yes no family intrusion you'd have a blast

ZombieBride

I've been to a good few weddings and the nicest one was on a Thursday morning and the dinner at 3pm, that way the couple knew that people who actually wanted to be there and would take the day off work would RSVP, and they did, it was a lovely affair.

Dudess

Richard Hillman wrote: »

Lets keep it real. A wedding is absolutely nothing to do with vows or spending your life together etc. Its all about the female having her big day and a whipped man desperate to pay 30k because he is insecure of her leaving him and is afraid of spending his life alone. If it was about actually being married, a lot more people would be opting for the legal piece of paper.

Let's keep it real - you can't speak for all those who have had weddings.

Numbers - it depends. Some people are from huge, close families and/or have a lot of friends.

But lol at all the unnecessary frivolities, and the obsessive complying with the "stuff you're supposed to do" - god forbid a person would just march to the beat of their own drum on THEIR wedding day.
The +1 thing should only be for those who don't know anyone apart from the bride/groom - my friend's sister tormented him to bring someone to her wedding, because he's immediate family and it's the thing to do or something. But he knew loads of people there anyway so he refused. And to be honest, if the marrying couple don't know a guest's spouse or partner, why should they invite them? (Apart from when the guest doesn't know anyone there). They can be parted for a day.

CelticRambler

Bride2012 wrote: »

I am just bowing to the 'but we got invited to their son/daughter's wedding'. It's the people pleaser in me and my parents have done so much for me that I'm finding it hard to say no.

Bride2012 wrote: »

I suppose part of it that I've never been to a small or even a different wedding so it's hard to imagine it even if I did manage to cut the guest list.

Would you put down a 29k deposit on a house that your parents told you they liked but that you'd never seen? You need to get in touch with some people who are having a small wedding (whether as the newly-weds or the caterers) and ask if you can observe from the sidelines. Then you'll at least have the ammunition to go back to your parents and say "I've seen what I like and it doesn't include 200 extra family and friends."

As others have said, your wedding day is not your marriage, but the bigger the party you've got going around you, the more distracted you'll be from the person you're supposed to be marrying. If your parents are worried about causing offence, let them blame it on the recession.

imitation

Min wrote: »

It is the couple's day.

Not your family who won't be paying for what they want rather than what you want.

I used to think this, but its not really the couples day in most cases. The amount of work that goes into a wedding is unreal, between organising it and figuring out who to invite (This seems to be a huge thing). If the couple wanted to actually enjoy the day I think church and then to some hotel for the immediate family would be alot less stressful.

Thing is though, its really more of a pay it forward day, you give your family and friends a big day out as a kind of thank you, after all life would be awful if every action people took was completely selfish.

OP, I would see what you can do to economise, one of the best weddings I was at was at the church hall next to the church, caters were brought it, the food was brilliant and a lot of the expensive of a hotel was saved. If expense is a big problem you should use it as ammo to push back at the parents.