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What is your reason for getting married?

emmabrighton

I don't think this is appropriate question for the relationships forum because, well, its a quandry more so than a real relationship issue... but then, maybe I am wrong.

Anyway, a friend asked me the other day why I was getting married... my response was because I am in love with my OH and want to be in a committed relationship and share this with family and friends...

But thinking back, that seems a bit shallow. I can love someone without marrying them, after 8 years its obvious that were committed and isn't it a tad bit insecure that you have to share your union with your family and friends... I mean, you never have in the past...

So, because these aren't good enough answers, I want to know what the right answer is

Cheers

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stovelid

It doesn't have to be justifiable to others.

Caraville

stovelid wrote: »

It doesn't have to be justifiable to others.

+1

Absolutely. If you want the big traditional wedding, go for it. But if you just want to be married, no big fuss, just to actually be married- do that. I honestly don't understand people who invite 300+ to their weddings, for example, but if that's your idea of the perfect wedding, go for it, who cares what I think.

(Now having said that, I do think if you're inviting people that obviously it's important they enjoy the day because weddings are expensive for the guests as well as the couple.)

smallerthanyou

I'm not getting married, but if I was it would probably be for money..

borderlinemeath

Caraville wrote: »

But would they not be offended anyway that ye went away and didn't have the big wedding at home? I just think that it's sad that people have to feel almost chased out of the country to avoid offending people- f**k the begrudgers I say, and do what ye want to do!

Now having said that, I was at one wedding abroad in Italy and it was fabulous, really remote, food was gorgeous. The older I get, the more the idea of a smaller wedding appeals to me- but I just wouldn't go abroad myself personally.

I've been at a few weddings abroad as well and they don't necessarily follow the same protocol of church/hotel/bar/drunken relatives embarrassingly dancing, it's far more relaxed and there's less stress all round.

I've been at too many weddings in Ireland that have been just awful.

At one of them 2 guests got into a fistfight before the meal. At the same wedding there was a rugby "scrum" that fell onto a table and one of the guests needed glass removing from their back.

One (family member) who married into a fairly posh family that literally looked down their noses at our family. And we wouldn't be "howayas" at all, just regular. Put it this way, the wedding was in "the Berkeley Court" because only the best would do.

A friend of mine got married and nearly had a nervous breakdown due to her bridesmaids (sisters) rowing constantly in the run up to the wedding. It rained on the day as well and she had an open top car so she got soaked. Some of the guests including my OH got food poisoning from the smoked salmon that was served.

One of my OHs cousins got married and there was a family row over an unsuitable girlfriend that the brides brother brought as a guest. Cue mother of the bride in tears for most of the day.

Another one of my OHs family members is gay and came out just before another family wedding. He brought his partner to the wedding but they had a big fight over "inappropriate flirting" and his partner beat the crap out of him. Police were called to the hotel and he was taken away in cuffs. They broke up.

And finally, we were at a friends wedding not long after we met (11 odd years ago) and my OHs friend was mistaken as Trevor Deely by a hotel guest. (Trevor Deely missing person back in 2000, never found). The police were called to the wedding, much to the embarassment of our friend and the bride & groom and their parents.

I have been to a few ok weddings in Ireland but to be honest the bad ones outway the good ones. And my OH has far too many in his extended family that would take issue with not being invited if it were local. If it was abroad they wouldn't mind so much as most would be (hopefully) unwilling to travel to it.

saa

Not a good sign if you're really struggling with this one...

Dravokivich

For the road frontage.

Dudess

emmabrighton wrote: »

because these aren't good enough answers, I want to know what the right answer is

emmabrighton wrote: »

That one makes the most sense to me, you are already close but you want to be closer and i hate the term partner too. Thats my reason from now on.

Why do you need approval from others? Shouldn't the "right" answer be decided only by you?

Caraville

borderlinemeath wrote: »

And finally, we were at a friends wedding not long after we met (11 odd years ago) and my OHs friend was mistaken as Trevor Deely by a hotel guest. (Trevor Deely missing person back in 2000, never found). The police were called to the wedding, much to the embarassment of our friend and the bride & groom and their parents.

I know I shouldn't have laughed at that but it just sounds so ridiculous! In fairness that's a fairly unusual occurrence at a wedding! The poor families involved- and the fella who was mistaken for the missing person must have been mortified!!

I have been to a few ok weddings in Ireland but to be honest the bad ones outway the good ones. And my OH has far too many in his extended family that would take issue with not being invited if it were local. If it was abroad they wouldn't mind so much as most would be (hopefully) unwilling to travel to it

.

Well fair enough with it not being local, I totally get that- but would you consider going somewhere secluded in Ireland? Like West Cork or Conamara or (my personal favourite) West Kerry? There are so many fabulous places in Ireland that people don't even consider. (Now I sound like I work for Bord Fáilte, I don't, honest!) Then again, it's an excuse for a nice foreign holiday so it's as good a reason as any to go abroad I suppose!

Malari

Caraville wrote: »

Well fair enough with it not being local, I totally get that- but would you consider going somewhere secluded in Ireland? Like West Cork or Conamara or (my personal favourite) West Kerry? There are so many fabulous places in Ireland that people don't even consider. (Now I sound like I work for Bord Fáilte, I don't, honest!) Then again, it's an excuse for a nice foreign holiday so it's as good a reason as any to go abroad I suppose!

Why stay in Ireland though? I'd go abroad, if I was getting married, except my boyfriend's mother won't fly :rolleyes:

Caraville

Malari wrote: »

Why stay in Ireland though? I'd go abroad, if I was getting married, except my boyfriend's mother won't fly :rolleyes:

Well my reasons for staying in Ireland would be:
- If it's scenery & good food & lovely locations you're looking for, we have them here. Ok so the weather mightn't be great, but some of the best weddings I was ever at took place on days with horrific weather.
- I wouldn't like planning a wedding in another country, I think I'd just be a bit too anxious about things going wrong that it would take out some of the enjoyment.
- My main reason though would be that I wouldn't ask my friends to spend so much money on my wedding. Weddings are expensive enough without people having to fork out for flights on top of everything else. I know you could say "they're my friends, if they want to be there they'll be there"- but personally I don't like putting my friends in that position.

borderlinemeath

Caraville wrote: »

Well fair enough with it not being local, I totally get that- but would you consider going somewhere secluded in Ireland? Like West Cork or Conamara or (my personal favourite) West Kerry? There are so many fabulous places in Ireland that people don't even consider. (Now I sound like I work for Bord Fáilte, I don't, honest!) Then again, it's an excuse for a nice foreign holiday so it's as good a reason as any to go abroad I suppose!

I suppose another reason would be the fact that Irish weddings have such a "drink culture" about them. Myself and the OH barely drink, but our families would be typical Irish, love a few pints/vodkas/wine what have you.

At every wedding it's all about the drink and whether it's a free bar or not. The last wedding we were at it was an open bar which was drunk dry and the caterers had to go and get more alcohol for the guests. I had about 3 glasses of wine all day and that did me just fine.

At the weddings I've been to abroad, (2 in Italy, 1 in Cyprus) it was much more centred on the food, (particularly Italy) the entertainment, then necking every bottle of wine that was left on the table.

borderlinemeath

Caraville wrote: »

Well my reasons for staying in Ireland would be:
- If it's scenery & good food & lovely locations you're looking for, we have them here. Ok so the weather mightn't be great, but some of the best weddings I was ever at took place on days with horrific weather.
- I wouldn't like planning a wedding in another country, I think I'd just be a bit too anxious about things going wrong that it would take out some of the enjoyment.
- My main reason though would be that I wouldn't ask my friends to spend so much money on my wedding. Weddings are expensive enough without people having to fork out for flights on top of everything else. I know you could say "they're my friends, if they want to be there they'll be there"- but personally I don't like putting my friends in that position.

This bugs me, the "planning".

Just get your licence sorted etc. It's only the legalities that are important.

I personally wouldn't give a toss if my dress got lost in transit, I wouldn't even be wearing a proper wedding dress, it's not my thing. I would do my own hair/make up and I wouldn't care too much about photographer/flowers/all the other stuff that seem to be "essentials"

"Weddings" are just not my thing. I don't really agree with all the tradition and shiite that goes with it. A wedding is not a marriage, it's just the ceremony that precedes it.

Caraville

borderlinemeath wrote: »

I suppose another reason would be the fact that Irish weddings have such a "drink culture" about them. Myself and the OH barely drink, but our families would be typical Irish, love a few pints/vodkas/wine what have you.

At every wedding it's all about the drink and whether it's a free bar or not. The last wedding we were at it was an open bar which was drunk dry and the caterers had to go and get more alcohol for the guests. I had about 3 glasses of wine all day and that did me just fine.

At the weddings I've been to abroad, (2 in Italy, 1 in Cyprus) it was much more centred on the food, (particularly Italy) the entertainment, then necking every bottle of wine that was left on the table.

I agree totally, Irish weddings and drinking seem to go hand in hand. I think an open bar, while extremely generous, is just asking for trouble. I know people should have the cop on not to take advantage, but unfortunately, people don't.

I still don't see why though 2 people can't go and get married in somewhere small in Ireland and just go to a nice restaurant for dinner and leave it at that. If your guests want to stay out on the piss then fine, but you've done your bit at that stage.

Dyr

watna wrote: »

I like that you get to share the day with your friends and family. I understand that not everyone feels that way though and I get why.

How is it sharing if I'm paying but youse are getting all the presents? :mad:

emmabrighton

Dudess wrote: »

Why do you need approval from others? Shouldn't the "right" answer be decided only by you?

Jaysus I don't, I just think too much about my own comments and in my own head they sound... i dunno, contrived. If I had a tangible reason for why we are getting married, then I would bottle it and sell it and become a billionaire. :eek:

I just dont konw how to articulate my reason and was wondering if anyone else could... I think the "family comment" is the closest to the way i feel.

That is all :cool:

Malari

Caraville wrote: »

Well my reasons for staying in Ireland would be:
- If it's scenery & good food & lovely locations you're looking for, we have them here. Ok so the weather mightn't be great, but some of the best weddings I was ever at took place on days with horrific weather.
- I wouldn't like planning a wedding in another country, I think I'd just be a bit too anxious about things going wrong that it would take out some of the enjoyment.
- My main reason though would be that I wouldn't ask my friends to spend so much money on my wedding. Weddings are expensive enough without people having to fork out for flights on top of everything else. I know you could say "they're my friends, if they want to be there they'll be there"- but personally I don't like putting my friends in that position.

Yeah, it would be scenery and good food and lovely locations AND weather I'd be looking for

If we ever did it, we'd have to have his parents there, so I think it would be a marriage in Ireland and a wedding abroad, which would be very easy to organise. Essentially just a fantastic meal in a good restaurant in a warm, scenic place. I can't think of any more than a dozen people I'd like to be there. If they can't make it, no bother. We'll just go on honeymoon instead.

borderlinemeath

Caraville wrote: »

I agree totally, Irish weddings and drinking seem to go hand in hand. I think an open bar, while extremely generous, is just asking for trouble. I know people should have the cop on not to take advantage, but unfortunately, people don't.

I still don't see why though 2 people can't go and get married in somewhere small in Ireland and just go to a nice restaurant for dinner and leave it at that. If your guests want to stay out on the piss then fine, but you've done your bit at that stage.

I'm sure 2 different people could, but it's just not for us.

There are elements of both sides of the family that would be hugely put out by not being invited. It's one thing pissing off friends, but family are different. I know for a fact that if we extended invitations to all my OHs cousins that only 2, maybe 3 out of about 30 would go to a wedding abroad but all of them would get the hump if not invited to a wedding in Ireland - and also expect the usual Irish wedding drink, meal, drink, dancing, drink procedure.

Caraville

borderlinemeath wrote: »

This bugs me, the "planning".

Just get your licence sorted etc. It's only the legalities that are important.

I personally wouldn't give a toss if my dress got lost in transit, I wouldn't even be wearing a proper wedding dress, it's not my thing. I would do my own hair/make up and I wouldn't care too much about photographer/flowers/all the other stuff that seem to be "essentials"

"Weddings" are just not my thing. I don't really agree with all the tradition and shiite that goes with it. A wedding is not a marriage, it's just the ceremony that precedes it.

Well then why the need to high-tail it out of the country on a plane? If the "essentials" aren't your thing then surely the only essential is that ye get married- so why does it matter where ye do it?

By the way, I totally think that if ye'd be happiest going abroad then go for it, because the most important thing is that ye do what ye like. But I personally don't understand the need to go abroad that so many people have, when we have so much to offer here right on our doorstep.

It's funny though- if an Irish couple go abroad to get married, people just accept it. If an Irish couple go to somewhere 3 hours down the road to get married, people think "That's weird, why didn't they just get married at home? Or go abroad?" You can't win!

Malari

Caraville wrote: »

Well then why the need to high-tail in out of the country on a plane? If the "essentials" aren't your thing then surely the only essential is that ye get married- so why does it matter where ye do it?

By the way, I totally think that if ye'd be happiest going abroad then go for it, because the most important thing is that ye do what ye like. But I personally don't understand the need to go abroad that so many people have, when we have so much to offer here right on our doorstep.

It's funny though- if an Irish couple go abroad to get married, people just accept it. If an Irish couple go to somewhere 3 hours down the road to get married, people think "That's weird, why didn't they just get married at home? Or go abroad?" You can't win!

I am completely failing to understand your issue with people going abroad to get married. Or have a wedding. Do you think people should only holiday in Ireland too?

You can sample the pleasures of Ireland anytime, it's nice to do something different for a wedding, presumable a once-off occasion in life.

For one thing, it was 14 degrees when I left the house this morning, in late July. If I want to get married or have a party I want to be able to wear a nice dress and not have to cover it up with a coat and hat and umbrella.

7sr2z3fely84g5

borderlinemeath wrote: »

This bugs me, the "planning".

Just get your licence sorted etc. It's only the legalities that are important.

I personally wouldn't give a toss if my dress got lost in transit, I wouldn't even be wearing a proper wedding dress, it's not my thing. I would do my own hair/make up and I wouldn't care too much about photographer/flowers/all the other stuff that seem to be "essentials"

"Weddings" are just not my thing. I don't really agree with all the tradition and shiite that goes with it. A wedding is not a marriage, it's just the ceremony that precedes it.

i think alot want the big wedding to show the dress they wear for that day and never wear it again.

Caraville

Malari wrote: »

I am completely failing to understand your issue with people going abroad to get married. Or have a wedding. Do you think people should only holiday in Ireland too?

For one thing, it was 14 degrees when I left the house this morning, in late July. If I want to get married or have a party I want to be able to wear a nice dress and not have to cover it up with a coat and hat and umbrella.

I totally agree with you- if you want good weather then you probably are better off going abroad. I've absolutely no issue whatsoever with people getting married abroad. It's not for me personally, but I totally understand that other people might prefer it, for a variety of reasons. I do think it's a massive expense to put on your friends, but as I've said, it's a nice excuse for a holiday & most people would be going on holidays somewhere every year anyway I suppose.

As for ordinary holidays- I've done a good bit of travelling myself, so no, I think it's important to see the world around you. But I also think it's important to know your own country too, so I like visiting different parts of Ireland too- especially considering we do have such wonderful scenery & historical sites. A mix of home & abroad is good, I think.

Malari

Caraville wrote: »

I totally agree with you- if you want good weather then you probably are better off going abroad. I've absolutely no issue whatsoever with people getting married abroad. It's not for me personally, but I totally understand that other people might prefer it, for a variety of reasons. I do think it's a massive expense to put on your friends, but as I've said, it's a nice excuse for a holiday & most people would be going on holidays somewhere every year anyway I suppose.

As for ordinary holidays- I've done a good bit of travelling myself, so no, I think it's important to see the world around you. But I also think it's important to know your own country too, so I like visiting different parts of Ireland too- especially considering we do have such wonderful scenery & historical sites. A mix of home & abroad is good, I think.

I think we have different ideas of what a wedding is. For a start I'd pay for my family. I can only think of...hmm, 3 or 4 other friends who'd I'd like to be there for a "wedding" meal. I wouldn't pick somewhere that requires a 3-day camel trek. It would be a cheap, direct flight, and I don't know, rent a big 12 bedroom house or something so cheaper for everyone! No presents, no new dresses, nails, hair, tan, all that lark. Just a group holiday really. I don't see that as putting expense on anyone because I'm not pressurising anyone to come.

To be honest, I feel a lot of people would spend more on the peripherals because it's almost expected for Irish weddings. If I invite someone to a fancy dinner abroad I don't think my friends would be rushing to do the whole nails, hair, tan, new dress business. Throw in a couple of nice dresses you already own and you're done.

And I'm not dissing Ireland either. I've been to almost every corner of the country - north and south - on family holidays when I was a kid, weekends away with friends, matches, rallies, and other sporting events and competitions. Sure, it's great, but it doesn't feel that special to me for a major life occasion.

Caraville

Malari wrote: »

I think we have different ideas of what a wedding is. For a start I'd pay for my family. I can only think of...hmm, 3 or 4 other friends who'd I'd like to be there for a "wedding" meal. I wouldn't pick somewhere that requires a 3-day camel trek. It would be a cheap, direct flight, and I don't know, rent a big 12 bedroom house or something so cheaper for everyone! No presents, no new dresses, nails, hair, tan, all that lark. Just a group holiday really. I don't see that as putting expense on anyone because I'm not pressurising anyone to come.

To be honest, I feel a lot of people would spend more on the peripherals because it's almost expected for Irish weddings. If I invite someone to a fancy dinner abroad I don't think my friends would be rushing to do the whole nails, hair, tan, new dress business. Throw in a couple of nice dresses you already own and you're done.

That actually sounds lovely, you should do that

Only thing is, even though you wouldn't be pressurising people to come, they'd feel guilty if they didn't. And I suppose the price of flights depends on where you go & how much notice you give people. I've no doubt you could do it relatively cheaply though, if you organised it well enough.

All I know is that a friend of mine got married abroad this summer, and there'll be another next summer, and both will end up costing me a fair bit between flights and accommodation. The wedding this summer was very traditional, church & reception, etc, just with an Italian twist. Next summer's one will be totally different, no church & just a dinner I'd say. Still looking like it's going to set me back a fair bit though- I'll just have to start putting a few quid away regularly between now and then.

(Sounds like I'm begrudgingly going to these weddings now, which I'm not- I definitely want to be there. But my friends and I have all said we'd just prefer if the weddings weren't working out so expensive for us)

minidazzler

I don't want to get married, I doubt I ever will.

Though people get married because society dictates they must.

Malari

Caraville wrote: »

That actually sounds lovely, you should do that

If we ever won the Lotto, this is the kind of thing we'd do for our friends!

We've discused it at length, even though I just really don't actually want to be married

I can't imagine being described as a wife. Yuck. My bofriend called me his long-term girlfriend the other day to someone. I think i'll stick with that for now - LTG. As for life-or-death situations in hospital, is it a real issue if your partner's family don't mind you being there? Just not a good enough reason for me.

MarkR

I was having way too much sex. Thank goodness that's all behind me now. ;k)

silly

So I can say "what's yours is mine and mine is yours"
(he has way more than me)

later12

Parents are together 35 years and aren't married (Dad was in the 70s, but seperated - so much for marriage stability) and none of my siblings have married, although two have children and three are in long term relationships. Never when I was growing up did I ever see myself marrying, and today I still see no reason to marry any more than I see reason to get a tattoo of my girlfriend on my chest, or decorate her in rare metals - fine sentiments in themselves but ultimately meaningless.

I think over the coming generations, marriage will be regarded as an antiquated and at times an irrational historical relic. Having said that, if a girlfriend wanted it, I would do it, I'm sure.

Caraville

minidazzler wrote: »

Though people get married because society dictates they must.

Really?? All people who get married are only doing it to fulfill some sort of societal norm?

later12

Caraville wrote: »

Really?? All people who get married are only doing it to fulfill some sort of societal norm?

How likely is it that they would have come up with the idea of their own accord, had society never established it? I think it's likely that most people are doing so, yes.