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Humiliated!!! :(

poozers

i'll try make this short...im 25, a girl, and at the moment doing an evening creative writing class. i was describing a character idea i had researched and said he (the character) is "midly retarded" (which is the term i found to describe him, his mother was an alcaholic and drank during pregnancy and it affected him mentally) ... i hope i havent offended anyone so far!

anyway, i finished my description and went on to the next student. I dont know how old this woman is, but she is in around her mid thirties i'd say. She isn't a very nice woman and find her quite rude (answering phonecalls in the middle of the class and not even leaving the room, questioning the teacher on nearly everything she says, even the smallest little details, quite condescending etc etc!) Anyway, she stood up for her character description (the only one who did) and mentioned her character also had special needs, and she looked down at me and said "the word 'retarded' isn't actually used anymore" and I said "i looked it up..." and she interrupted saying "i have a child with special needs" and continued on with her story! I was absolutely mortified! it was infront of ten classmates, and our teacher!

I had NEVER meant to offend anyone, and didn't feel i got even the slightest chance to explain myself! It was what I found when I was looking up the condition i wanted my character to have! I feel that even though it is a dated term, it was a technical term first before it became an 'insult' i suppose you'd call it... and I would have MUCH more appretiated and be extemely apologetic if she said it to me in private after the class... I had absolutely no idea about her child. I know I didnt think about who i might of offended by saying it, but I didn't see it as an insulting term when i was doing my research!
My confidence has totally been knocked! after she said that I just wanted to run out of there and crawl into a hole! I am so afraid of what my classmates think of me now, I feel like I'm ignorant and thoughtless! but im not usually ever, im extremely open minded!!! I dont want to go back next week.. The main reason i started the class was so i could read personal stuff out loud to strangers (which was said we had to do in the course description) and it was an effort to overcome my shyness! I want to say something to her next week about it, but whether I have the courage or not is another story! Confrontation like that absolutely terrifies me!!
am i being too sensitive???
is SHE being too sensitive???
Please give me words of advice! and pleeease tell me I wasn't TOTALLY 100% in the wrong

(i know i said id try keep it short, apologies

)

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LegacyUser

Also, I think Sharrow is completely wrong saying you shouldn't be there to resolve personal issues.

The personal issue you mentioned was overcoming shyness. What better way to overcome shyness is there than by performing / speaking in front of strangers.

An easier way is to just push yourself out there at parties, if you dont know someone make an effort to talk to them, plus you have a few drinks for courage! At parties the majority of people will be friendly and welcoming too.

I was in the same boat about 6 months, massive difference now after moving to a new city and not knowing anyone. Was forced to be more outgoing and it has paid off.

The Corinthian

poozers wrote: »

am i being too sensitive???
is SHE being too sensitive???

Yes and yes, TBH.

"Special needs" covers a lot of conditions that have nothing to do with mental retardation, for example, so really she didn't really know what she was talking about. Personally had she done that to me I would have suggested to her that the public speaking class is down the hall.

Given this you too are being too sensitive. Your classmates most likely thought she was a nutjob, rather than think ill of you.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd imagine the rest if the class are wise to her, and rather than thinking that you were somehow at fault, they were more likely to be thinking "I'm glad 'obnoxious-aul-wan' hasn't ever started on me!"

Forget it, you can be sure none of the others, including 'yer-wan', have given it any more thought.

Chuchoter

Don't worry about it OP, the woman was obviously out to cause a fight. You were using it as a technical term, to accurately describe your character. If I was anyone else in your class I wouldn't have taken offense.

pencilsharp

Ok whatever about the woman bringing it up in the middle of a class I agree that was wrong and if she had some gripe with you over it she should have spoken about it in private. I can understand why she was annoyed/upset/angry over it though.

'Retard' is a horrible, insulting and dated word and to be honest if you had any dignity, respect or general cop on you should have realised that it was the wrong word to use.

I would be disgusted if you used it in my presence (and I have nobody in my family or close to me with special needs), and would think, considering you're doing a creative writing classand must have some degree of intelligence you could have come up with a more politically correct term to use.

Blatter

pencilsharp wrote: »

'Retard' is a horrible, insulting and dated word and to be honest if you had any dignity, respect or general cop on you should have realised that it was the wrong word to use.

I would be disgusted if you used it in my presence (and I have nobody in my family or close to me with special needs), and would think, considering you're doing a creative writing classand must have some degree of intelligence you could have come up with a more politically correct term to use.

If you had any sort of attention span you would have read the rest of the thread which clearly states that "retard" is a perfectly correct terminology to use, as long as it's used in the correct context and not in a derogatory way.

You have the issue here if you don't have the intelligence to understand that not every little word that can be used in a derogatory way, can indeed be perfectly good terminology, once applied to it's correct context.

Ickle Magoo

SOCCER4LIFE, you can get your point across without resorting to petty personal insults.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

Seraphina

If I were you OP, I would simply return next week, use the exact same term again (obviously in a non-insulting way) and turn around to the woman with a big smile and say "of course, this is a creative writing class, and not a politically correct class, and everyone knows that good writers challenge the status quo" perhaps throw in the anecdote about James Joyce, and then continue with your story.

But then, that's me...

iguana

username1986 wrote: »

You could easily turn to a regular person and go "you are such a special needs child" and even though you are using the PC term for it, it is obviously meant to offend .

The teenagers in an area I used to live used to use "special needs" as an insult. If one of them tripped or said something incorrectly the others would laugh and call him/her "special needs." The term used is irrelevant, it's the intent that implies insult or not. It's the same as up-thread when a poster asked if you would use ****** when referring to a gay person. But "gay" is used as an insult regularly, in place of "lame." And "lame" itself refers to something being pathetically subpar in that context rather than someone with a limp.

Retard just means slow or inhibit, when used correctly there is nothing at all wrong with it. Bear in mind, it's the same root word as fire retardant. There is nothing wrong with using a word correctly as any word can be an insult.

And as this was in a creative writing class, sometimes certain words will be used as an insult. Take a script like "This is England" about 80's skinheads. The writer had to use words like "******" and "wog" words that are really are just insults, because that was consistent with the characters and the story.

cantdecide

Another use is in motoring where you can complain that your classic car's ignition timing might be too advanced or retarded.

I do agree that this is an embarassing faux pas. Just get on with it, OP.

Big Bag of Chips

pencilsharp wrote: »

'Retard' is a horrible, insulting and dated word and to be honest if you had any dignity, respect or general cop on you should have realised that it was the wrong word to use.

The OP didn't use the word "retard".

dr gonzo

snapoutofit wrote: »

People mollycoddling you and agreeing with you about the big bad woman who was so mean to you and egging you on and quoting to you from medical reference books on the precise meaning of the term "retarded" for you to repeat verbatim are not helping you in my opinion.

You say you can take criticism so long as its given to you in a respectful and mature way - but who decides that? You? And in any case, if you cant deal with more direct criticism then how are you going to deal with the daily grind of modern life where people have to eat sh*t all the time with a stiff upper lip? You are mid 20s now - do you really believe its possible to cruise through hopefully another 60 years + without having to deal with conflict?

Just get real, finish the final week of the course, forget the whole incident and work on developing a coping mechanism for the next time you have a public run in with someone.

Having a bad day are we?

All the OP has asked is to what extent they may have legitimately caused offense with most on here concluding that they havent. The OP is perfectly entitled to ask his or her opinions on issues that have come about in daily life without being laid into by yourself over what you perceive to be oversensitivity.

Regardless of the scenario, there was something on the OP's mind which they wanted advice and/or clarification on. Is that not what this board is for?

OP, as already any word can be used in an insulting way when out of context so theres no getting away from it but more to the point these social rules about what is and is not correct go out the window in fiction. Dont give it another thought, enjoy the rest of your class and keep writing.

LegacyUser

It's creative writing! You can write whatever you want. That she takes offense by terms used in your text that are not even directed at her is ridiculous. You should be angry at her! A class like that is meant to allow exploration without such judgements on "terms" used. Critique on style, structure, yes! But not words! She has a chip on her shoulder.

Most of the best creative writing is inflammatory. It makes you think differently and pushes you into a zone where you might not be comfortable. But you remember it and are enriched by the experience. Anyway, if yoursubject area is from an era 50 years ago, 100 years ago, terms used would be offensive by todays standards. WTF - some terms used by people today are offensive but are still used and should be used if you are trying to ortray a realistic character. Do not worry - if that is her attitude, the most she can hope to achieve is dull mediocre script.

shellyboo

You used the word "retarded" in front of a woman whose child has special needs and is probably sensitive about it. She reacted badly and was rude about it.

This is life. Not everything is sunshine and lollipops. Forget about it, it's really not a big deal. Really.

poozers

seriously everyone, thanks so much for all the replies! I'm not goin to confront her, im goin to forget about it, be the bigger person, and not let it affect me as much as it did any more. the whole class probably dont remember and even if they do, im sure theyve seen and heard much worse things in their lives... because i have!

and ye're right, it's not that big a deal at all!!! I dont care about this woman or what she thinks of me, and never will, so why bother wasting so much of my energy stressing about her! life lesson learnt!

feck it

i have my last class this week, and writing is definitely something im goin to continue! i have put my character on hold with his story for a while, as (obviously) i do need to do more extensive research into his condition, but its not stopping me do other work!

thanks again every one ... really appreciate it!

Mighty_Mouse

The curse of political correctness strikes again!

Spastic, retard, handicap begin as perfectly acceptable descriptive terms until negative connotations are associated with them and society switches language and words to describe exactly the same condition. So handicap becomes "special needs",
Give it 5-10 years and special needs will become "gifted" or "super special people"! or whatever term is now used to dance around describing someone as disabled.

Personally, I live my life treating all people equally with dignity & would have little time for the woman in question.

The fact that she is pulling the PC moral,high-ground, bollix in a creative writing class is just ironic. You shouldn't of hesitated to immediately apologise whilst pointing that out to her.

Finally, your reaction to this slight confrontation is waaaaaay over the top. You've speak of humiliation, embarrassment, fear ...............etc.
Harden up.

deisemum

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

The curse of political correctness strikes again!

Spastic, retard, handicap begin as perfectly acceptable descriptive terms until negative connotations are associated with them and society switches language and words to describe exactly the same condition. So handicap becomes "special needs",
Give it 5-10 years and special needs will become "gifted" or "super special people"! or whatever term is now used to dance around describing someone as disabled.

Some people with special needs and those that work with them find the term "special needs" offensive and will tear strips out of anyone who dares mention that term, their reasoning being that all people are special.

Big Bag of Chips

deisemum wrote: »

Some people with special needs and those that work with them find the term "special needs" offensive and will tear strips out of anyone who dares mention that term, their reasoning being that all people are special.

"Additional Needs" is a term I've heard recently.

angelcakebaby

My son has Down syndrome and if anyone refered to him as retarded I would firstly tell them its extremely offensive and then if they used it again....well they would have to run fast. The term midly retarded is a bit offensive but you weren't to know for goodness sake.

However in saying that the medical community in this country still use the term mentally retarded much to the chargrin of anyone who actually has an intellectual disability or those who advocate for those who cannot self advocate. We are quite behind in many ways over here but in many ways we are way ahead in our treatment of people with non typical abilities.

She was taking the moral high ground and being a bitch if you ask me. Yes the word retard is as offensive as F*****t or N****r but we are about 30 years behind in educating society on this. If someone used the term "coloured" to describe a black guy 30 years ago it was seen to be a bit ignorant but not malicious. The person might be told that their words could be offensive and they'd never ever use the word again.

She should have simply written a small note at the bottom of the page saying "Perhaps you could use the term intellectually disabled instead as its a bit un-PC to say retarded". To bring up her personal family situation in class is grossly unprofessional and I have never experienced that in college myself.

I do a lot of work in the disability community especially concerning advocacy and I can tell you I have talked about this subject endlessly with parents of people with intellectual disability and also people with an intectual disability. We have all said a million times that when someone uses this terminology we just mention its hurtful and 99% of the time the person says "Sorry I didn't realise" and they dont do it again. It is a slow proccess and people will still have to be reminded 20 years from now but we'll get there.

Please don't beat yourself up about it. You sound like a really nice person and I guarantee you no-one with an intellectual disability would have taken offence like she did (yes they would be insulted or hurt a little but ould probably just say "dont say that" or even tease you about it). Maybe she had a bad day. Maybe she had been defending her child all week and just snapped. But maybe you had a really bad week too. She shouldn't have made you feel like that.

If you choose not to go back I would ask that you tell her why. She shouldn't be speaking to people like that and it really doesn't help the cause of people trying to teach tolerance. Maybe she felt like a bitch afterwards you never know. She might apologise...doubtful but maybe. I do advise you though that in future if you are going to write about stuff that can be controversial just look for a facebook group concerning the subject and post a question or two on there. Helps to talk to people as appose too googling. The internet can be full of crap.

Good luck^^

Redpunto

The term "retard" is offensive, ask anyone who has a child with special needs. Take it on the chin, you know now that there are more appropriate terms are used and move on. You know you didnt mean it in a offensive way so now you've learned something new.

LegacyUser

Theres always one in a class, someone who loves the sound of their own voice, constantly annoying the teacher , as for answering the phone and not leaving, lol, that is ignorance at its best.
I can assure you most people were cringing or annoyed at HER when she did that, ive been in classes like that , and the best part about your situation is, if she really is that rude in general people have already formed their opinion meaning even if she was right this one time people still probably got annoyed at her!!

(even if they did acknowledge in their own mind that the phrase probably wasnt the best. )

You learned a big lesson about your writing though. Because while mildly retarted might be a technically correct term it comes across as ignorant, unresearched and slightly lazy writing, even if that wasnt the case. It seems to me that if you were describing someone with a slow learning ability you should probably have elaborated more on it(maybe you did I dont know), as opposed to just saying 'mildly retarted'. Itd be the equivalent of describing a person with some sort of physical condition where he couldnt walk properly as a 'cripple', i.e. its technically correct but lazy writing and slightly offensive.
But I mean to write that in a positive way, i.e. you LEARNED something regarding your writing technique and now you can improve on that.
Personally I wouldnt bother saying it to the teacher, its pointless and just putting them in a slightly awkward spot, they're not going to join in and start going 'ah dont worry shes just a rude bitch' even if they're thinking it.

As for going to this class to help overcome shyness, well done, that is exactly what you should be doing, keep it up and dont stop there, start getting used to the sound of your own voice out loud. Go to more classes!!
I can assure you if you started a post here saying 'im shy, what could help overcome this' there'd be a few people suggesting for you to attend night classes in various hobbies like that.