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Protocal on asking Father in Law for his Daughter???

countryliving

Hi, my boyfriend and i are talking about getting engaged in the next few months. going shopping for the ring on saturday.
what is the protocal these days about my boyfriend asking my Dad about this? is this tradition still honoured? my boyfriend was'nt going to have a word with my Dad until i mentioned it. thought i would ask what the story is? probably every one is different????

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niceoneted

I'm not in the situation that you were in but was nearly there a few years ago- before it went belly up.
Anyway we had spoken about this and as I am daddys girl and his favourite - I know parents shouldn't have them but they do! .
I would want an intended to mention it to my dad as my dad would be chuffed and also I love and respect him very much and we are very close.
In saying that if I wasn't close to my dad I don't think I would feel the same - so basically I am saying if you have a great relationship with you dad do it.

LilMsss

It's to do with personal choice. Asking for my father's permission is definitely not something I would be comfortable with a boyfriend doing.

I do not agree with the tradition and anyone I was in a serious enough relationship would know me well enough not to bother. It's a tradition, but an outdated one. Only observe it if it's a tradition both of you are interested in preserving. Can't offer you any tips on protocol though, cos it's not something I have experience in.

cruiserweight

I asked my fiancees father. They are very close and I knew that they would both like it if I did, however neither would have been really upset had I not.

I wanted to do it face to face, but it did not work out that way. We went to a football game and I was going to ask afterwards, but he was not feeling well and had to leave early. As I was planning on proposing a few days afterwards I had to do it over the phone on the same day that I proposed. If anything I was more nervous about asking him, mostly because he might have taken the piss

marvsins

I think its depends on the girls feelings about it. My wife prefered the tradional way but in my case i told the father-in-law as to asking and he was delighted. Rather than asking maybe just let him know over a quiet casual chat. Also if he does talk to him do it all inside a week you don't want anybody accidentally spilling the beans

smelltheglove

We were the same as you really, we went shopping for the ring knowing it would happen but after my sisters hubbie not asking my dad I knew my dad would really be delighted to be asked, as is traditional so my hubbie did go and speak to him. I have to say he was delighted, as was I, just the fact that my hubbie took the time to do it, didnt even tell me when he was doing it, I mean I had chosen the ring months before so it just made it that bit more special.

aviendha

as with all the above posters, it really depends on the particular girl and her father. I know I would've been mortified - he's marrying me, not my father, and I would've hated it for parents to know before me - and if he had asked, my own dad would have laughed at him - I'm reminded of Dara O'Briain and his take on the whole "asking permission" thing:
"why are you asking me for permission? she hasn't asked for my permission for anything in years....... I'd set the f**ker tasks, he'd be gathering a golden fleece by the end of it!"

Having said that, my dad didn't ask for my grandfather's permission to marry my mother, so wouldn't be considered a tradition in our family.

ThePiedPiper

It totally depends on the couple and the father/daughter relationship that's there. My wife is my father-in-law's pet (or was until our daughter arrived!!;)) but she also has almost a sisterly bond with her mother so I actually spoke to the two of them beforehand. They were both delighted I did and my wife was thrilled when I told her I'd spoken to them first. It's a nice tradition, but if I or my wife hadn't been as close to her parents, then it might've been different. I know my brother didn't do it, as his wife is fiercely independent and there's just a completely different dynamic.

Theboinkmaster

Totally depends on the indivuals involved - i did this just a few weeks back.

Rather than getting "permission" i saw it as asking for their blessing and obviously knew what the answer would be.

They were really chuffed and appreciated it - for the sake of a 5min conversation why not?

I'm quite a progressive, modern person (IMO!) but i like certain old fashioned tradional things, such as chivalry etc - and this would certainly qualify.

I know when one day if i had a daughter, I wouldn't expect this but would certainly appreciate it.

Streifi

When I asked my dad (way before the situation arose) if he'd liked to be "asked" he shook his head in disbelief and asked me if i hadn't learned anything he taught me. (Meaning that they have raised me as a thinking individual and that i was well able to make my own decisions in life)
and then smiled at me and said if someone would honestly try he'd probably laugh at the guy's face and tell him to get out and ask me and not him as he would have to marry me and not him!

He was then in fact not asked before we got engaged but was absolutely over the moon for us when we told them the news.

But my family has always been different and my dad was never "mainstream"... But in fact the best family anyone could ever have!

RentDayBlues

My OH asked my dad before he proposed - it was a surprise for my dad and me!

My dad said he didn't need to do it but I know it meant a lot to him - and to me

Alliandre

aviendha wrote: »

if he had asked, my own dad would have laughed at him - I'm reminded of Dara O'Briain and his take on the whole "asking permission" thing:
"why are you asking me for permission? she hasn't asked for my permission for anything in years....... I'd set the f**ker tasks, he'd be gathering a golden fleece by the end of it!"

I think my dad would have been the same. He's the kind of person who likes to tease and he wouldn't have taken it seriously.

Sunny Dayz

My other half asked my dad for permission earlier this year, a few weeks before he proposed. My dad had said to him ,"it's not my permission you're looking for, it's my blessing". I think my dad was glad that he was asked, it is a polite and quaint tradition. I had said to my other half ages before that I would have liked him to ask for my dad's permission but i didn't actually think he would go and do it! I think it shows he had guts cos' after our engagement we found out that most couples we know who are engaged/married didn't do it and the guys were kind of in awe of him, that he actually did it!!

3DataModem

countryliving wrote: »

Hi, my boyfriend and i are talking about getting engaged in the next few months. going shopping for the ring on saturday.

Surely if you are already buying the ring then you've already decided to marry and so are already engaged?

I'm pretty sure if there is any protocol then it's to ask the Dad BEFORE the bride and groom go ring shopping!!!

emma82

Well my proposal was a complete surprise & I knew nothing about it until it happened! My OH didn't ask my dad as we (myself & daddy) are so close that he knew my daddy couldn't keep it a secret & would ruin the surprise! He did however take daddy aside after we announced our engagement & told him he really wanted to ask & hoped my dad wasn't too disappointed/annoyed but because of our closeness he couldn't ask him in advance. My dad was delighted we were getting engaged & didn't mind not being asked. He has admitted since that he could not have kept that big a secret from me & would be terrified he'd ruin it for me as it was exactly the type of proposal he wanted for me- which really shows the type of guy he is!!

Do what is right for you- not what you think you 'should' do!

[Deleted User]

It depends on the people OP - if it was my OH asking "permission" before I knew about it he'd be this close to dumped
But if you like the idea off you go

d'Oracle

I didn't.

Its a relic of the old dowry system.
No dowries any more, so no need to ask the father. IMO.

TimMac

I asked fiancees father the day before we flew out to Egypt, where I proposed.
He was delighted I asked & so was she. Myself and future father in law have a great friendship anyway, I suppose I would be very traditional when it comes to things like that.

chughes

I think it's only manners to ask a girl's father/seek his blessing before proposing. It's nothing to do with being old fashioned or anti-feminist. It's just the right thing to do. Project yourself 30 years into the future, would you like to be asked/have blessing sought if you have a daughter ?

aviendha

chughes wrote: »

I think it's only manners to ask a girl's father/seek his blessing before proposing. It's nothing to do with being old fashioned or anti-feminist. It's just the right thing to do. Project yourself 30 years into the future, would you like to be asked/have blessing sought if you have a daughter ?

if it's a case of manners, then why not ask both parents... why is it the father's blessing that has to be obtained?

jasonb

Before I proposed to my wife I visited her folks. I really don't believe in the 'permission' thing, but like other posters have said, I thought it would be nice to ask for their blessing, and I knew they'd appreciate it ( as my wife would when she found out ).

As it happens her mother wasn't there and was going to be a while, so I asked her father on his own, though I had planned to ask them both. He ( like me! ) was probably more embarrassed at first, but I think it was a nice moment for us to have shared.

It only takes a few minutes and it's a nice thing to do, but in no way do I think someone *should* do it. They should only do it if they're comfortable / they want to. Don't view it as permission, just look at it as asking for their blessing. And if you don't want to do it, then don't!

When it comes down to it, it's between the two people getting married, *that's* the important question!

chughes

aviendha wrote: »

if it's a case of manners, then why not ask both parents... why is it the father's blessing that has to be obtained?

By all means, talk to both parents. It would have been traditional to just talk to the father but in this day and age, the mother should be consulted too.

I am assuming here that both parents have been actively involved in raising the daughter. Naturally, if it was the mother on her own that raised the daughter, then you would speak to the mother only.

Remember, the parent/parents have invested a huge amount of time, emotion, and money to get daughter to adulthood. It costs nothing to let them know of your intentions but means a lot.

OS119

chughes wrote: »

Remember, the parent/parents have invested a huge amount of time, emotion, and money to get daughter to adulthood. It costs nothing to let them know of your intentions but means a lot.

if they haven't worked it out all on their own by that stage they'd have to be pretty thick!

my marriage proposal to my then girlfriend was between us, nothing to do with her parents or mine - had it been her proposing to me i'd have been astonishingly offended had she sought my parents 'blessing' before asking me, and if someone asks for my blessing before they propose to my daughter they won't get it. nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors, and nobody really understands the dynamics of someone elses relationship - so why should their inexpert opinion be sought?

not only is there the potential (likely?) offence to consider, there's a much more serious concern - that the woman can feel 'bundled' into it by the proposer creating an atmosphere of 'its a done deal' within her family, particularly if he then proposes in front of them and they're all happy as larry, popping champagne corks and shouting out congratulations - makes it very difficult to say 'i'm not sure', or 'no'.

a friend of mine was the 'victim' of such a set-up, and it took months for her to get up the courage to say 'no, you bounced me into it, engagement over'. her relationship with her parents never recovered from what she saw as them putting her in a very difficult position by living in a 'hallmark' card rather than ensuring she got the chance to answer a very private question in private.

bills

I would really not like my parents knowing before I have even been asked!!

But i suppose everyone is different & their relationship with their parents etc.