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Bad farts

the_syco

Bloody hell. Nothing worse than farting, and it being soooo bad, you're wondering was it your fart that you smell, or the guy next to you? :P

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Sykk

You're saying you don't like your own brand? Wtf is wrong with you?

Cheap Thrills!

Wondering if your trump trumps his trump!!?

Fizman

What is really bad is when it is so bad that the smell actually becomes embedded in the sofa / your pants for a sustained period of time and the place just generally smells of sh1t for a few days.

SadieSue

Fizman wrote: »

What is really bad is when it is so bad that the smell actually becomes embedded in the sofa / your pants for a sustained period of time and the place just generally smells of sh1t for a few days.

I think that's a shart not a fart :pac:

ScumLord

Guinness farts rule all. It doesn't matter who dealt them they all stink red rotten.

Essien

Fizman wrote: »

What is really bad is when it is so bad that the smell actually becomes embedded in the sofa / your pants for a sustained period of time and the place just generally smells of sh1t for a few days.

That would take more than a fart :pac:

youcancallmeal

I love toliet humour

Snowie

ScumLord wrote: »

Guinness farts rule all. It doesn't matter who dealt them they all stink red rotten.

I'll raise, you a vindaloo and a Guinness.....

cleers any room in the world :pac:

orourkeda

Isnt it amazing that gas expelled from ones anus that smells like sh*t can cause such hilarity

Royal Irish

I had a rake of Guinness last night and I ate a chicken bagette with bbq sauce. Thismorning my room smelt like bbq sauce and Guinness. I couldnt help but stick my head under the duvet to experience the full force of it.

ScumLord

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I'll raise, you a vindaloo and a Guinness.....

cleers any room in the world :pac:

It doesn't bare thinking about, last time I had a feed of Guinness I had to leave the lovely bed in the morning because my eyes where beginning to water. Add curry on top of that and you've got a nerve gas.

Cheap Thrills!

Fizman wrote: »

What is really bad is when it is so bad that the smell actually becomes embedded in the sofa / your pants for a sustained period of time and the place just generally smells of sh1t for a few days.

lol schoolboy error that is! Never inject a fart into a soft furnishing!

When you feel it coming, jump up point your arse up the nearest chimney/twords the nearest extractor fan or out the nearest door or window!!!

Simples!

mathie

orourkeda wrote: »

Isnt it amazing that gas expelled from ones anus that smells like sh*t can cause such hilarity

No.

Gummy Panda

Where is the Flutt when you need his poetry about the bowels

FlutterinBantam

Was journeying home from work recently and to be 'green' took the Express coach.

I was seated beside a large lady of indeterminate age and things were excellent until we hit the Port Tunnel.

She lifted a cheek the size of a small sack of spuds and released a rifter which sank into the springs of the seat and dissipated back up through the fabric with a definite bang of spicy chicken wings and sour cream.

Now, I thought 'well that was a one off' when the whole seat vibrated as a contained bazooka was released and this time the whole coach gagged.

Talking a blown cat food smell and so meaty you cut nearly cut it.

Air was thick and fetid and some poor lad had to open the window before we got out of the tunnel.

Very bad experience.:mad:

kfallon

There once was a yank from Killeen,
Took pride in his jocks being clean,
He once tried a fart,
Turned out twas a shart,
So on went the washing machine

DingosAteMyBaby

I left off a rotten one at a college ball me and my mates were at and no exaggeration.. it cleared half the dancefloor for a good 5 minutes:D Proudest moment of my life!

kfallon

We all know of Patricia The Stripper,
She was fond of unleashing a ripper,
Once stripped off her 'string',
Oh the horrible thing,
Left a queef go that stank like a kipper!

mink_man

kfallon wrote: »

We all know of Patricia The Stripper,
She was fond of unleashing a ripper,
Once stripped off her 'string',
Oh the horrible thing,
Left a queef go that stank like a kipper!

nah...

dubtom

For some reason yesterday I let go some of the foulest rippers I've ever had the displeasure of smelling. I'm unsure whether it was Sundays cabbage and marrows,or the crusty brown role with banana of yesterday that cause the offensive aroma, but by jasus it was bad. It's usually a proud moment for me when I make my Wife gag, but yesterdays episodes made me wince.

Three times I visited the bog last night and each time I fouled the bowl, but it still wasn't enough to unclog whatever rat had crawled up there and died, even with the light on and window open daddylonglegs wouldn't even venture in after me, it was only today when I returned from work early so I could concentrate undisturbed did I manage to unhinge the cnut. Unfortunately proud I am not,a little empty perhaps,but not proud.

karlog

There's nothing worse than a fart after a heavy night of drinking. I don't know the science behind it but alcohol + chipper = bad methane.

Blobby George

Turnips and Guinness are a fatal combination. A slow bubbling heatwave down the leg of the pants and its time to clear the scene. Fúcking carnage.

PeterIanStaker

I once had the pleasure of stinking out an entire bus that I boarded following a heavy feed of Guinness topped off with Abrekastabya's finest taco fries on the way home the night before.

Not very often do you make your own eyes water but that was one such time.

The prize however must go to my beloved dog who is sadly no longer with us. A few years ago we had him in the car and he let such a humdinger we had to roll down both our windows!

*note - dog did not die of fart related causes*

giant_midget

lol at this thread...

I do these ones after a lot of guinness, I call them "the string of pearls" it's when you get lots of little hot bubbly farts one after the other really quickly and the whole room stinks like boiled eggs :pac:

FlutterinBantam

dubtom wrote: »

For some reason yesterday I let go some of the foulest rippers I've ever had the displeasure of smelling. I'm unsure whether it was Sundays cabbage and marrows,or the crusty brown role with banana of yesterday that cause the offensive aroma, but by jasus it was bad. It's usually a proud moment for me when I make my Wife gag, but yesterdays episodes made me wince.

Three times I visited the bog last night and each time I fouled the bowl, but it still wasn't enough to unclog whatever rat had crawled up there and died, even with the light on and window open daddylonglegs wouldn't even venture in after me, it was only today when I returned from work early so I could concentrate undisturbed did I manage to unhinge the cnut. Unfortunately proud I am not,a little empty perhaps,but not proud.

Tom, that was an excellent post,conveys the drama of the occasion and leads the reader to emphatise with the poster.

When you can read and say":eek:Thank fcuk that wasn't me" it was a good post.

Now down to business.

"Fouled the bowl" I like that description but what does it mean.?

That you coated the pan in a skein of wet midden from rim to S?

"That you dumped a knarled knobbly lad which settled uncomfortably in the S?

"That you bolted out a ripper like a fcuking flock of starlings and scudded the pan and the area surrounding"?

That you bunted out Meatloaf's daughter which lodged like a dead corgi dog in the S"?

Clear that up and we're good:D

Deus Ex Machina

As a rule I despise toilet humour, and this subject is no exception. I will, however, make two statements on the matter.

Firstly, anyone who states that they find the smell of their own flatus disgusting is lying. Nobody has any problem with the smell of their own flatus, anyone who claims that they do is one of those people who feigns disgust at anything less than pristine in order to create the impression that they are themselves squeaky clean in each and every respect. Read: When somebody says "ewww that stinks" in reference to their own flatus, they are really thinking "mmmm jaysus the turnips are really coming through in that one". (The usual tone in which their internal monologue is conducted notwithstanding, sentiments such as those mentioned above are always expressed to one's own consciousness in the voice of a inner city Dublin truck driver.)

Secondly, I rate most of my flatuses with Top Gear car review criteria. The smell is analogous to the performance of the vehicle, so a really smelly flatus is a 0-60 time of 3.2 seconds or so, and a top speed in excess of 200 mph. The sound of the flatus is compared to, unsurprisingly, the sound of the car. Again, a loud explosive sound is similar to the W 16 skirl of the Bugatti Veyron. The way the flatus feels as it leaves the anus is comparable to the handling of the car, so a flatus which feels awesome as it leaves the anus would be like a Lotus Exige, corning like housefly, in the words of Jeremy Clarkson. The final, and ineffable, criterion is the way the expulsion of the flatus makes me feel. A flatus expulsion which thrills me is like an Alfa Romeo, no one thing is spectacular, but there is a certain passion and soul to the vehicle. Once I have tallied flatus' performance in all areas I make up a car which possess the analogous properties and then have Jeremy test it in my head. The weird thing about all this is that I really am not a Top Gear fan.

FlutterinBantam

Deus Ex Machina wrote: »

As a rule I despise toilet humour, and this subject is no exception. I will, however, make two statements on the matter.

Firstly, anyone who states that they find the smell of their own flatus disgusting is lying. Nobody has any problem with the smell of their own flatus, anyone who claims that they do is one of those people who feigns disgust at anything less than pristine in order to create the impression that they are themselves squeaky clean in each and every respect. Read: When somebody says "ewww that stinks" in reference to their own flatus, they are really thinking "mmmm jaysus the turnips are really coming through in that one". (The usual tone in which their internal monologue is conducted notwithstanding, sentiments such as those mentioned above are always expressed to one's own consciousness in the voice of a inner city Dublin truck driver.)

Secondly, I rate most of my flatuses with Top Gear car review criteria. The smell is analogous to the performance of the vehicle, so a really smelly flatus is a 0-60 time of 3.2 seconds or so, and a top speed in excess of 200 mph. The sound of the flatus is compared to, unsurprisingly, the sound of the car. Again, a loud explosive sound is similar to the W 16 skirl of the Bugatti Veyron. The way the flatus feels as it leaves the anus is comparable to the handling of the car, so a flatus which feels awesome as it leaves the anus would be like a Lotus Exige, corning like housefly, in the words of Jeremy Clarkson. The final, and ineffable, criterion is the way the expulsion of the flatus makes me feel. A flatus expulsion which thrills me is like an Alfa Romeo, no one thing is spectacular, but there is a certain passion and soul to the vehicle. Once I have tallied flatus' performance in all areas I make up a car which possess the analogous properties and then have Jeremy test it in my head. The weird thing about all this is that I really am not a Top Gear fan.

rather convoluted missive ,if I may remark.

Correct me if I am wrong but you are intimating that the cleaner and sharper the exit of the fart from the anus the less the stink?

The more watery & muffled and the less defined the exit the greater the fugg.

If that is the case I agree.

Fulton Crown

Does anybody find that heavy cordorroy or tweed trews increase the intensity of an arse blow.

Seems to catch the rancid gas hold and release it in waves.

Phuuuuuuutttttt

Like that ?

FlutterinBantam

Excellent observation Fulton.

You see, it's due to the weave in the fabric,like the golf shot, it's the RESISTANCE that creates the power.

A shotted ripper unloaded into a pair of baggy heavy corduroys will indeed create the putrid whiff of blown turnips and hold the whang in the arse area for yonks.

Fcuking trews could kill weeds up to two days later.

nullzero

On a flight to Spain last year with my girlfriend I had an awful gutful of pewtrid foulness that I expended over the duration of the two hours or so of the flight.
There was however a young Spanish lad sitting in front of us who had the entire row of seats to himself. He was sleeping and waking up, shifting around akwardly. Needless to say I was blaming the stench on this unfortunate person whilst managing to keep a straight face the whole way over.
I lost count of how many I ripped out on that flight but I pity whoever sat in the seat after me.
When we got home to Dublin, whilst we were driving home I asked herself if she remebered that dirty Spanish bastard from the flight over and then broke the truth to her. She genuinely looked shocked and appalled although she said had a sneaking suspicion it was me all along. How I laughed.