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I farted during a massage today

Pope Benedict

I was having a Thai massage this afternoon. My usual masseuse wasn't available so it was with a new girl. Such was her excellence she had me switched off fairly quick, so much so that I let out a squeaky streamer that lasted near five seconds about fiteen mins in to the hour session. I apologised immediately and she brushed it off but I know she was offended. My only saving grace was that it didn't leave a pong. Anyone else have a story about farting at an inopportune moment?

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Aidric

The loud daisy cutters are best for the lols, send a whole vibration throught the system they do.

For damage there is nothing better then the warm Guinness fart.

admiralofthefleet

i let one in a packed bookies years ago.
i was after having a right feed of guinness and indian the night before and let one go that would tear the paint off walls. the bookies emptied in a matter of seconds

Blitzkrieger

Was working with this gorgeous girl in a take away years ago and was dying to fart. I somehow managed to hold it in for the whole five hours we were working. Turned out the lights, locked the door behind her and went back to sort out the till while letting rip. It was loud and long and the smell would have made dogs leave the room in disgust.

Five seconds later - *Ding-dong*

Guess who's forgotten her fags? And it's not like there was anyone else there who could have caused the stink. Thankfully it was dark so she couldn't see how red my face was......

Snowie

Pope Benedict wrote: »

I was having a Thai massage this afternoon. My usual masseuse wasn't available so it was with a new girl. Such was her excellence she had me switched off fairly quick, so much so that I let out a squeaky streamer that lasted near five seconds about fiteen mins in to the hour session. I apologised immediately and she brushed it off but I know she was offended. My only saving grace was that it didn't leave a pong. Anyone else have a story about farting at an inopportune moment?

thats ace.... :pac: lmaof man..................

I once farted during sex

we laughed kept going....

Hyperbullet

Sykk wrote: »

I was in mass when I was younger, in dire need of a fart. I Decided to learn ever so slightly and gently push so it wouldn't make noise.

After some impatience I pushed a little too hard and the fcuking noise off this thing was as if someone just stood on a duck..

2 rows of people had turned around to see me look in disgust to the gentleman on my right. I shook my head in disapproval as did everyone else before turning back to the altar.

Congrats. You just made me spill my coffee due to laughing at that.

Made my morning that did!

tommy21

Pope Benedict wrote: »

I was having a Thai massage this afternoon. My usual masseuse wasn't available so it was with a new girl. Such was her excellence she had me switched off fairly quick, so much so that I let out a squeaky streamer that lasted near five seconds about fiteen mins in to the hour session. I apologised immediately and she brushed it off but I know she was offended. My only saving grace was that it didn't leave a pong. Anyone else have a story about farting at an inopportune moment?

Well if that's the worst thing you've done as Pope, I wouldn't worry too much.

[Deleted User]

The absolute worst is when you fart in an empty room but then someone comes in and there's absolutely no way you can blame the smell on anyone or anything else. I was in A&E a few weeks ago, waiting ages and ages in this room for a doctor, dying to fart and eventually I couldn't hold it in anymore and let out the worst silent but violent ever only for the ridiculously good looking junior doctor to whip back the curtain 30 seconds later.

Awkward.

kfallon

Anyone ever do a sneezefart, my God they are sore on your hole!

genericguy

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

The absolute worst is when you fart in an empty room but then someone comes in and there's absolutely no way you can blame the smell on anyone or anything else. I was in A&E a few weeks ago, waiting ages and ages in this room for a doctor, dying to fart and eventually I couldn't hold it in anymore and let out the worst silent but violent ever only for the ridiculously good looking junior doctor to whip back the curtain 30 seconds later. Awkward.

i never seem to fart when i'm alone, it's always in a tiny room, or somewhere where there's too many people.

the only thing you can do, and i do it every time, is say "lads/ladies, i'm not gonna lie, i just farted." at least it saves the embarassment of finger-pointing, when everyone will know it was you anyway.

caseyann

Terry wrote: »

Liar. Women don't fart.

.

Oh yeah we let off

NoHornJan

Anyone ever try singeing the bum hairs by igniting the mighty fart?

Thunder and Lightning...

kfallon

I got some trapped wind here this afternoon, dying to let go a real rip-snorter but I'm in the office. If I try sneak it out I know it'll give off a little 'parp' on the way out....such a dilemma!

Scuid Mhór

dvpower wrote: »

That's more than a fart.

pope benedict just got absolutely RUINED.

Pope Benedict

Giant Squid wrote: »

pope benedict just got absolutely RUINED.

I was instantly absolved but the bright red cheeks told the real story.

kfallon

Pope, does farting make you fallable???

Pope Benedict

I presume you mean fallible my child. We all make mistakes. Limiting them is the challenge we all have to embrace.

kfallon

That's the one!

Are you calling me a child for your fantasy sake?

Pope Benedict

kfallon wrote: »

That's the one!

Are you calling me a child for your fantasy sake?

Lets not go there. I have had enough embarrassment for a week.

rebeve

I have`nt laughed so much in ages ,thread of week.

Mr Freeze

In a niteclub a few years back, they had a section with leather seats, It was wedged and could feel a particularly large fart brewing.

Forgot about the brewing fart for a sec, as was being introduced to some people, sat in beside them on the leather couch and nestled my ass firmly into the couch and let rip in the hopes the waft would trapped between me and the couch and fade away unnoticed! Never thought that they might actually feel the fart sitting next to me on the couch, which they did as it was massive and went on for a few seconds.

Pretty funny now to me, when it happened they just turned and looked at me, probably thinking what a sicko, probably right too.

FearDark

In a "gentlemans club" a few weeks ago after about 10 pints I let out a silent but violent, the place was tiny and the room soon filled up with the smell of sewage and stale Guinness, even the strippers were ducking for cover and wafting it away from their faces. Of course I just bust out laughing and gave the game away.

Quiet_thought

Love this thread, so funny. Making the last bit of work fly

rofno1

This happened to me a number of years ago...

Well, a dull grey day and in a packed church, a solemn funeral it taking place. Few pints the night before with the rent-a-crowd, as you do, to give a good send off to a dear relative.

Next, I get that tickling sensation in your nose that lets you know a sneeze is on the way. As church is in complete silence except for the muffled tears of the close family at front, I chose to stifle the sneeze or at least contain it as best I can.....

Big mistake. The gassy ass that I already had from lager could not contain the instant pressure build up from the sneeze so instead of an sneeze breaking the silence, and machine gun FFFFAARRRRRPPPP, amplified by the wooden bench rips out of my ass, echoing around church for at least 10 seconds.

Women weep, babies cry, men chuckle and I'm written out of several wills that day.

Bugger.

Eircom_Sucks

or being in the toilets at the urinal having a slash and hearing some poor unfortunate bloke in the cubical let rip on a ferocious fart and then the slutters of shiite and then everybody standing around having a piss just break out in fits of laughter and grown men too lol

kfallon

Eircom_Sucks wrote: »

or being in the toilets at the urinal having a slash and hearing some poor unfortunate bloke in the cubical let rip on a ferocious fart and then the slutters of shiite and then everybody standing around having a piss just break out in fits of laughter and grown men too lol

That's what happens when you don't 'Courtesy Flush'!

Aidric

Eircom_Sucks wrote: »

or being in the toilets at the urinal having a slash and hearing some poor unfortunate bloke in the cubical let rip on a ferocious fart and then the slutters of shiite and then everybody standing around having a piss just break out in fits of laughter and grown men too lol

Ha. Always good having a laugh at someone 'in trouble in the stalls'.
I remember years ago going in to the public library in Limerick. Went for a piss on the way out in their jacks. All the homeless folk used wander in to use that particular jacks. One particularly scruffy gent entered a stall as I was taking my leak.
He hadn't the keks barely down when he unloaded a stream of airy farts followed by a loud roar of 'get out of me you bastard'. :eek:
He sounded in agony, crying almost.

Willbbz

funk-you wrote: »

Could have been worse. Could have been at a critical moment while your girlfriend was going down on you. Didn't get head for a week.

-Funk

I've actually thought of this :pac:

smash

I know someone who was at a stag party. Heavy Guinness drinking session until the early hours and all that. The following morning when waiting to check out of the hotel he was chatting up a hen party that were also checking out but he felt one building up so made an excuse about leaving something in his room, ran over to the lift, pressed no1 and let it rip. His plan was to get out at the first floor and run back down the stairs but when the doors opened who was there? The other half of the hen party and just as they went to walk in it hit them, one shouted "Oh Jesus", another gagged and the rest just turned and walked away! After that he couldn't face going back down so actually went back to his room for half an hour.

Mal-Adjusted

Einhard wrote: »

I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.

*smack*

Up de Barrs

Farting during sex can be risky, sometimes a bird will appreciate a loud comedy fart during a bj but a smelly could see you banished to the sofa.