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What's the most dishonest thing you've ever done?

AskMyChocolate

I was out playing pitch and putt with the lads the other day. We were on the eighteenth and I had a twenty footer to win, or two putts to draw. I completely misread the putt but compensated for that by completely mis-hitting it. As the ball sailed off on a trajectory I had not intended, I realised after about ten feet it was perfect. I started walking after it with the confidence of a man who knew exactly what he was doing (I all but gave the pew! gun sound on the way.)

Now, I know this sounds bad, but there's worse. I used to play pitch and putt at quite a high level so I knew I'd get away with it.

Now, I know this sounds quite bad, but there's worse. The bloke who would have won if I hadn't got down in two (an old and trusted friend who's always trying to restore my confidence after a bad patch)
turns to me and says, "I told you you still had it"

So, anyway, AHer's; When's the last time you made baby Jesus cry?

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Praetorian Saighdiuir

I just read your post out to my dog...

..she's not impressed and asked me to tell you to feck off and post in P.I.

...My dog is such a bitch!!!

wonton

I put a screw in my friends tuna sandwhich, he tried to sue the company, turned out very messy.

genericguy

i once told a girl she was interesting so i could have sexual relations with her, even though i didn't give a fcuk about her cat.

davyjose

wonton wrote: »

I put a srew in my friends tuna sandwhich, he tried to sue the company, turned out very messy.

Weird. I once pretended to be a famous Swedish artist.

carmel27

wonton wrote: »

I put a srew in my friends tuna sandwhich, he tried to sue the company, turned out very messy.

Whats a srew? Did you mean "a screw"? Or even better, "a shrew"?:D

Pacing Mule

I took the advice of AH posters and got hookers and coke last night while the missus was away.

Smokin_Aces

Took a **** in the shower at my boarding school, someone else copped the blame.

orourkeda

AskMyChocolate wrote: »

I was out playing pitch and putt with the lads the other day. We were on the eighteenth and I had a twenty footer to win, or two putts to draw. I completely misread the putt but compensated for that by completely mis-hitting it. As the ball sailed off on a trajectory I had not intended, I realised after about ten feet it was perfect. I started walking after it with the confidence of a man who knew exactly what he was doing (I all but gave the pew! gun sound on the way.)

Now, I know this sounds bad, but there's worse. I used to play pitch and putt at quite a high level so I knew I'd get away with it.

Now, I know this sounds quite bad, but there's worse. The bloke who would have won if I hadn't got down in two (an old and trusted friend who's always trying to restore my confidence after a bad patch)
turns to me and says, "I told you you still had it"

So, anyway, AHer's; When's the last time you made baby Jesus cry?

twenty footer. not in my day. 3 foot max

orourkeda

genericguy wrote: »

i once told a girl she was interesting so i could have sexual relations with her, even though i didn't give a fcuk about her cat.

did you have intercourse

fontanalis

I told someone to buy shares in anglo irish bank.

Lando Griffin

I an looking at my television wondering when the telly licence man will come and what excuse i will give? And us a 2 telly house.

orourkeda

fontanalis wrote: »

I told someone to buy shares in anglo irish bank.

How is Sean these days?

orourkeda

Lando Griffin wrote: »

I an looking at my television wondering when the telly licence man will come and what excuse i will give? And us a 2 telly house.

they've heard all the excuses and none of them work

Doyler92

Well, one time, at band camp...

Atavan-Halen

genericguy wrote: »

i once told a girl she was interesting so i could have sexual relations with her, even though i didn't give a fcuk about her cat.

I'm sure you were very interested in her pussycat.

Lando Griffin

orourkeda wrote: »

they've heard all the excuses and none of them work

I will tell them I bought it in the north and so should be exempt from the licence fee in the South, then sit on the driveway puffing a fag and weeping controllably.

dan719

What exactly does playing "pitch and putt at a high level" mean? Is that just being sh*t at normal golf?

Wolfe Tone

dan719 wrote: »

What exactly does playing "pitch and putt at a high level" mean? Is that just being sh*t at normal golf?

Thats like saying being good at pool is being sh!t at snooker.

Doyler92

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Thats like saying being good at pool is being sh!t at snooker.

It's being a politician because you fail as a dictator

Wolfe Tone

Doyler92 wrote: »

It's being a politician because you fail as a dictator

Username related pun: Worthy of thanks.

gleep

I'm an estate agent

no i'm not

Doyler92

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Username related pun: Worthy of thanks.

It's not really. Terrible pun also and I don't even know my history

AskMyChocolate

genericguy wrote: »

i once told a girl she was interesting so i could have sexual relations with her, even though i didn't give a fcuk about her cat.

I scored one night with a girl when I was still living in the family home. My folks were away so I asked her back for a drink. Anyway we had a few cans and listened to a bit of music and everything was grand. So, we hit the scratcher, and we're foosterin' about and yet she won't let me near her. Anyway, after two pots of tea, half a pack of Rothman's and a couple of Snack biscuits she finally tells me where the disparity lies; she hasn't brought any spare tampons with her. I (obviously, as any man would,) say "Look, if it's the situation you're uncomfortable with, we'll leave it there, but if it's just the tampons you're worried about, shur me sister keeps a load of them in the bathroom."

This reassures her and we go at it.

I wasn't going to mention that my sister lives in England. I'm still paying off the debt I owe to my little brother for going to the 24 hour garage to get tampons the following morning while I "cuddled" \ kept her distracted.

AAAAAAAHHH

AskMyChocolate wrote: »

I was out playing pitch and putt with the lads the other day. We were on the eighteenth and I had a twenty footer to win, or two putts to draw. I completely misread the putt but compensated for that by completely mis-hitting it. As the ball sailed off on a trajectory I had not intended, I realised after about ten feet it was perfect. I started walking after it with the confidence of a man who knew exactly what he was doing (I all but gave the pew! gun sound on the way.)

Now, I know this sounds bad, but there's worse. I used to play pitch and putt at quite a high level so I knew I'd get away with it.

Now, I know this sounds quite bad, but there's worse. The bloke who would have won if I hadn't got down in two (an old and trusted friend who's always trying to restore my confidence after a bad patch)
turns to me and says, "I told you you still had it"

So, anyway, AHer's; When's the last time you made baby Jesus cry?

Fair enough Adolf.

orourkeda

Doyler92 wrote: »

It's not really. Terrible pun also and I don't even know my history

you'll fit right in here

randylonghorn

AskMyChocolate wrote: »

I wasn't going to mention that my sister lives in England. I'm still paying off the debt I owe to my little brother for going to the 24 hour garage to get tampons the following morning while I "cuddled" \ kept her distracted.

Good thinking, Batman!

AskMyChocolate

dan719 wrote: »

What exactly does playing "pitch and putt at a high level" mean? Is that just being sh*t at normal golf?

Yup. It can also mean not being able to afford membership to a golf club. But, usually, it involves teaching young kids how to swing a golf club, before they decide to hold up the entire golf course for an hour. It's like teaching your kid how to play on a 6x3 snooker table before you inflict him/her on the other members.
But you wouldn't understand that. Not, when you could be at the bar, sneering!

Tar.Aldarion

This one time at Auschwitz...

AskMyChocolate

davyjose wrote: »

Weird. I once pretended to be a famous Swedish artist.

Your post, sir, as you know well, merits a far lengthier and most entertaining post.

Yours,

The Duchess of Marlborough-ness.

AskMyChocolate

AAAAAAAHHH wrote: »

Fair enough Adolf.

Did you not like my story? It was great. It was much funnier than the jewish stories. What makes you think that jewish humour is the best? Germans are funny too. We get jokes. Ja? Ja.