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Child Item

Not more puns......

Kent Brockman

I went rowing for the 1st time recently and was a little nervous.
Another guy boarded in front of me (it was an 8 man scull), it was his 1st time too and he was also a bit nervous.........
Guess that put us in the same boat:pac::pac::pac:

do your worst, you know you want too

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Macsimus

The Black Adder classic:

Life without you is like a broken pencil..........................................pointless

Edit: also like the old:

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall.............................Dam

And the timeless Groucho Marx classic:

Women should be obscene and not heard

reallyrose

Any time we arrived home when I was a kid, my Dad would always say "recurrent dermatitis" Ar Ais Arís

This is actually true.

McGarnagle92

My grandad would always let us know that his soup is 'super' :rolleyes:

I also remember something about Darina Allen's husband Tim Allen getting himself into a bit of a 'stew' ..God.

foxyboxer

I invested all my money prudently.
But Bernard Madoff with all of it.

Fizman

Apologies but my example isn't a copy n paste from any pun site or the likes.

About 6-7 years back myself and a few mates were playing a game of poker before hitting town, and the TV was on in the background. One of the lads stepped out for a fag so the rest of us had a look to see what was on. It seemed to be some sort of WWII film, as the current scene was in Auschwitz or at least some form of concentration camp. All of a sudden a train appeared and was carrying more victims into the camp. At that point I decided to make the sound of a train but with a topical slur "Jeeeeeewwwwwww jeeeeeeeewwwww".

Birneybau

Fizman wrote: »

Apologies but my example isn't a copy n paste from any pun site or the likes.

About 6-7 years back myself and a few mates were playing a game of poker before hitting town, and the TV was on in the background. One of the lads stepped out for a fag so the rest of us had a look to see what was on. It seemed to be some sort of WWII film, as the current scene was in Auschwitz or at least some form of concentration camp. All of a sudden a train appeared and was carrying more victims into the camp. At that point I decided to make the sound of a train but with a topical slur "Jeeeeeewwwwwww jeeeeeeeewwwww".

"You sir, are worse than Hitler"

GavRedKing

One day while lost out in the ocean, I contacted the coastguard and tried to relay my position, they said i wasnt being pacific enough.

OldGoat

The Count and the Baron were fueding over an item of treasure. The Count had stolen it and hidden it somewhere in the castle. The Baron raised himself an army and after a long, ardous (and very tedious) campaigh he managed to capture the castle and the Count.
The Count was taken to the dungeons for interrigation. "Where is the treasure?", "I ain't telling". The Count steadfastly refused to give up any information. This fustrated the Baron no end. After hours and hours of threats the Count remained close-lipped. The Barons fustration grew untill he eventually picked up an axe and swung it towards the captive Count. The Count, seeing the madness in the Barons eye cried out in despiration "It's in the at...." but alas he was too late and he was decapated by the Barons axe.
And the moral is...
...
...
...
Never hatchet your Count before he chickens.

mathie

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as th ey moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

CorsetIsTight

After many years I am delighted that I have finally perfected my recipe for macaroni cheese.

My life is so much better now that I have my own personal cheese sauce.

xsiborg

just read the post about the guys playing poker there, and i was reminded of the time well, at least ten years ago now like myself and a couple of guys were playing 21 in the snug of our local bar. so the barman anyway had basically an arm that was permanently bent at the elbow, 90 degrees (he crashed his car while driving and getting a bj from his gf! :eek:), but he could still pull a good guiness!

so anyway we're playing cards and next thing the little snug door to the bar pops open, barman pops in his head, rests his arm on the counter, and goes:

"deal us in a hand lads!"...

we all looked at each other in the way that "first guy that laughs is an evil baxtard!"

take everything

Standard Toaster wrote: »

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

:pac:

Jesus man how are you holding up :pac:

take everything

mathie wrote: »

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as th ey moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

So contrived- i love it.

Isobar

Fizman wrote: »

Apologies but my example isn't a copy n paste from any pun site or the likes.

About 6-7 years back myself and a few mates were playing a game of poker before hitting town, and the TV was on in the background. One of the lads stepped out for a fag so the rest of us had a look to see what was on. It seemed to be some sort of WWII film, as the current scene was in Auschwitz or at least some form of concentration camp. All of a sudden a train appeared and was carrying more victims into the camp. At that point I decided to make the sound of a train but with a topical slur "Jeeeeeewwwwwww jeeeeeeeewwwww".

I hate it when people joke about WWII, Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.

starbelgrade

This thread stinks. One could say that it's pungent.

raah!

I know! How much more of this punishment must we endure?

IvySlayer

I have a controverisal one

Don't know if I should post it!

starbelgrade

IvySlayer wrote: »

I have a controverisal one

Don't know if I should post it!

Don't make me beg.

IvySlayer

starbelgrade wrote: »

Don't make me beg.

You know what pizza they ordered in the Twin Towers?....

2 large plains

K-9

IvySlayer wrote: »

You know what pizza they ordered in the Twin Towers?....

2 large plains

Awh, just awh.

You are just winging it now.

starbelgrade

IvySlayer wrote: »

You know what pizza they ordered in the Twin Towers?....

2 large plains

And then someone said, "who ordered the mushrooms?". :pac:

IvySlayer

K-9 wrote: »

Awh, just awh.

You are just winging it now.

I think my pun took off :P

starbelgrade wrote: »

And then someone said, "who ordered the mushrooms?". :pac:

Was he a fun guy?

Shankly Gates

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak :pac:

[Deleted User]

Captain?

Yes?

You know how all ship's watches are of four hours duration, but each dog-watch is two?

Yes?

Why are they called dog-watches?

Isn't it obvious?

..................

They're cur-tailed.

*eep eep chortle chortle snort snort*

SoWatchaWant

In "Finding Nemo", when Nemo's mother dies, and Nemo's father is all sad, I heard someone in the cinema hoot:

"Plenty more fish in the sea wha"

MJRS

Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison?
There's a small medium at large.

And Jonathan Ross caught stealing kitchen utensils?
He said it was a whisk he's willing to take.

My friend kept talking about putting 'lionel' (he meant lino..) on the wooden floor for a party he was having. My other friend replied 'hellooo... Is it me you're looking flooor?'

Ugh...

builttospill

A teacher tells her class the new word for the day is Contagious. She asks the class if they could explain what the word means. She asks Joe if he can explain what the word means and he says, "My Mammy says to stay away from kids with chicken pox because they are contagious." The teacher says, "That is very good Joe." Then she picks Susie, who says, "I went to a Paramore concert last week and the atmosphere was Contagious." And the teacher says, "Excellent Susie." Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class, "Yes Johnny," she says. Johnny says, "The other day me and my Dad were sitting in the garden and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little brush you use to paint model cars, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence." My Dad says to me, "Jesus, its gonna take that cúnt ages to finish that fence."

Necronomicon

Dear friends,

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive role model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Kent Brockman

I tried to make a bet for 100euro with the local butcher, that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf without a ladder.
He wuldnt take the bet.......said the stakes were too high;);)

BOHtox

Kent Brockman wrote: »

I tried to make a bet for 100euro with the local butcher, that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf without a ladder.
He wuldnt take the bet.......said the stakes were too high;);)

Wahey