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Child Item

I feel ready to have a baby but partner doesn't think its right

winterwonder

Hi,

I am 25 years old and have been with my partner for 10 years, we have both finished college, have secure jobs and we live together. Recently, I've been thinking about becoming a mother, we've talked about it and he wants to be married first, but I just feel now is the right time, I respect his wishes, but I can't help feeling down about this, I really love him and would love to marry him and start a family but he doesn't, he wants to wait till we are 30 at least. My partner is 26, do you think we are too young to start a family? Or has anyone any advice on this or a similar situation in the past?

Thanks in advance

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mrsberries

I feel for you

but I think these decisions can only made by each individual and cant be forced. While I personally would never have wanted a child before the age of 30 my sister started her family at 20. I dont think you will find the answer to this on these boards, only at home. Lots of honest, open conversation, and if you really want the relationship to last you will have to meet half-way.

Best of luck with everything

cynder

At the end of the day it can only be the 2 of you who decide, its hard when you get broody.

Can you not reach a compromise, instead of 25 or 30 start trying at 27/28 the 2 of you have to agreed otherwise things can get messy.

Im not yet 30 and have 3 kids from ages 3 to 10.

winterwonder

Well I know he's fairly head strong when it comes to things so its like whatever he says goes, I'd never force him into anything, I just wish we were both thinking the same way. I'd give anything to start a family, but it just gets to me that we can't. I know i won't find my answers here, but we have talked about it and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and cause of that, I don't want to keep on about it. I suppose the best thing I can do is just hope this feeling goes and hope we can get through this together, I just wish there was something I could say to let him know how I feel, he knows how I'm feeling but just not to the real extent.......

crazy cat lady

Give him time, I'm sure he'll come around. You're in the age group now that your friends and his friends will be starting families, and it might seem like a less scary thing to do when people around him are having babies.

In the meantime, concentrate on making sure that you are in your optimum physical health for pregnancy. I know I harp on about this alot but stop smoking if you do, improve your diet any way you can, exercise, lose a bit of weight if you're overweight, and its never too soon to start taking folic acid!

winterwonder

I've done all those things, i've lost 2 stone, eating healthy and in the process of giving up smoking, all cause of wanting this so badly....... how sad am I?!!!

Hopefully things will change, fingers crossed, don't think I can do much more

mrsberries

winterwonder wrote: »

I've done all those things, i've lost 2 stone, eating healthy and in the process of giving up smoking, all cause of wanting this so badly....... how sad am I?!!! Hopefully things will change, fingers crossed, don't think I can do much more

I dont think there is anything else you can do yourself. While your partner deserves the right to his own stand on the subject, you do deserve the right to talk about this. Broodiness can be a painful thing for a woman, maybe men also experience this...Im not sure. I know what its like to have a man who is stubborn about these kind of things, it takes time and A LOT of patience, and im not saying that you persist with the subject but try to find a way for the both of you to sit down and talk it through. It will eat away at you otherwise and you may become resentful.

winterwonder

I don't think I can talk to him anymore about it because i think he is becoming resentful of me because of it. I don't know what is wrong with me, I just came home this evening and cried, I know he's done nothing at all wrong but I just wish I could forget about how I feel, cause I know I can't do anything about it and I'm afraid its going to cause problems in our relationship. I just love him so much and wish what i'm feeling would just go

implausible

I feel for you OP, but like everyone else here has said, you need to make this decision together. You've said he wants to get married first, which is fair enough, but have you a time-frame for this?

I'm sure it's just a case of him not being ready and wanting the two of you to have freedom in your twenties, but you would need to make sure that it's not a permanent fear of commitment that is making him reluctant. Have you two got a plan mapped out the future - mortgage, marriage, kids? If you have, then you're just going to have to be patient and trust that both of you are being sensible in waiting until you are both emotionally and financially ready for the biggest change in your lives.

Good luck OP

Jinxi

winterwonder wrote: »

I don't think I can talk to him anymore about it because i think he is becoming resentful of me because of it. I don't know what is wrong with me, I just came home this evening and cried, I know he's done nothing at all wrong but I just wish I could forget about how I feel, cause I know I can't do anything about it and I'm afraid its going to cause problems in our relationship. I just love him so much and wish what i'm feeling would just go

This makes me think he is right about waiting. You are investing way too much in when it happens. If you really want his baby(as opposed to a baby) then you are pushing too hard. He may view crying about it as an emotional blackmail. If he caves, as you want him to, then he is going to feel you pushed him into it. That coupled with the natural strain that having a baby puts on a relationship, you may end up alone.
Please don't fall into the pitfall of "when he sees the baby he will love it so much that he will forget about how we got there"
+1 on compromising.
If you are feeling as miserable about it as you say, the go talk to someone about it.

winterwonder

He didn't see me crying about it and i'd never want him to either because as you said that would seem as if I am blackmailing him and I don't want to blackmail him into it, I'd never do that to him. I respect his wishes and I would never be happy thinking i forced him into it, I suppose what I'm really saying is that I guess I need to come to terms that we won't be having a baby for a good while. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment and have been for a good while, maybe that is the reason for all of this, my father was never there for me or cared about me, he still doesn't. Thats a major reason why I'd never make him have a child because he may resent the chilld and have the same relationship that I had with my father. I guess its just complicated and he problems thinks I'm not stable enough to have a child, maybe's he's right. I think i've alot of thinking to do to try and sort out myself before starting a family. Just wish things were simple sometimes and your not judged by your history or how people think you may feel.

Jinxi

I am 3 years older than you op and my partner and I have been together for 10 years also. I have been broody on and off for three/four years. My partner has been broody for 2. We still haven't fully comitted to getting pregnant(kinda not trying not to get pregnant). I know its an individual decision, but we have talked about it and agreed that we are glad we didn't go for it when I first decided I was ready. I see now I wasn't really. I had so much left to do like get established in my job and save for a house.
Even, personally, I had alot of work to do on myself before I could inflict myself on a poor child.
I am not saying that we are suddenly perfect, and therefore ready to become parents. Infact. it may just be a case on being aware of how much we DON'T know, but are willing to learn.
I would hate to be heading down the path of pregnancy/parenting if my partner wasn't as enthused as I. Its scary enough.
Good luck in your quest to become child-ready.

crazy cat lady

Just out of curiosity, you say that he wants to be married before you start a family, are you engaged?

If you are, maybe you could focus on wedding preparations for a while? It'll help take your mind off of having a baby but at the same time its a step in the right direction.

winterwonder

Thanks Jinxi, your post made a lot of sense but I guess I still can't change how I feel. I just wish we could do something to feel like were going somewhere in the right direction. No, were not engaged and maybe thats a part of it I scared nothing will ever happen

crazy cat lady

Maybe talking about engagement/marriage is a topic your boyfriend will feel comfortable talking about. At least if you feel that you have that on the horizon then babies will soon follow

I know its not much of a consolation, but at least he's not saying that he never wants to have children. Its sounds like you're both walking the same path, just at different speeds

Jinxi

crazy cat lady wrote: »

Maybe talking about engagement/marriage is a topic your boyfriend will feel comfortable talking about. At least if you feel that you have that on the horizon then babies will soon follow

I know its not much of a consolation, but at least he's not saying that he never wants to have children. Its sounds like you're both walking the same path, just at different speeds

+1

Ask him for a time frame and in return you can give him space
Its not ok that you feel he is calling all the shots

edellc

winterwonder wrote: »

I don't think I can talk to him anymore about it because i think he is becoming resentful of me because of it. I don't know what is wrong with me, I just came home this evening and cried, I know he's done nothing at all wrong but I just wish I could forget about how I feel, cause I know I can't do anything about it and I'm afraid its going to cause problems in our relationship. I just love him so much and wish what i'm feeling would just go

I feel for you winterwonder but seriously you have to stop this madness too many women get consumed by the whole wanting a baby and even when they start trying it doesnt happen because they are putting too much pressure on themselves and their partner its not healthy
look at the positives you have a long term partner who loves you, you have a life together, he does want kids but wants to wait another four years are you really going to compromise all that cause you want one now
if you havent already go speak to him tell him your worries, frustrations etc about waiting until you are 30 and find a compromise because if you dont then you will end up resenting him and him you and it will destroy what you have and then what random unprotected sex just to have a baby???

mood

grindelwald wrote: »

At the end of the day it can only be the 2 of you who decide, its hard when you get broody.

Can you not reach a compromise, instead of 25 or 30 start trying at 27/28 the 2 of you have to agreed otherwise things can get messy.

Im not yet 30 and have 3 kids from ages 3 to 10.

I agree.

Catori

Hi Winterwonder, i know exactly how you feel, i went thorough what you are going through with my husband last year, which resulted in us splitting up for 6 months. I was ready he wasn't. All i could think about was getting pregnant, it consumed me. And what didnt help was that all my friends were pregnant and having babies which made it worse, having to smile at them with their good news when all i wanted to do was cry. Here we are a year and a half later and he's ready, we are ttc. And do you know what the best part is we both are ready. I know that had I forced him into it that when times got hard it would have caused endless arguments.
My Advice is this - Talk to him expalin how you are feeling, let him explain his side, he says he wants kids just not yet (that was also what i was told), agree to bring it up agian in say 6-8 months and leave it there. Its horrible i know but if you want your relationship to work and be right comprimise. Its what had to be done for us to save our marraige and it did and to be honest i learned that i wanted him and his baby not just a baby.
I know there is nothing that can really help the way you are feeling i know too well but believe me its worth the wait.

Hope you get it sorted x

Ozil

Jinxi wrote: »

+1

Ask him for a time frame and in return you can give him space
Its not ok that you feel he is calling all the shots

If my girlfriend said that to me, "Give me a time frame for when you want children" - I'd run a mile. And we are roughly the same ages as this couple.

OP - did the thought ever cross your mind that he never wants children? Ask him is that even a possibility in his mind because..

winterwonder wrote:

I suppose what I'm really saying is that I guess I need to come to terms that we won't be having a baby for a good while

You are way too emotionally dependent on the notion of conceiving a child with this man. Can you imagine what state you'd be in if he turned around in 5 years and said "actually I never want children". Learn to be stronger, you will never really be happy if you spend life depending on other peoples actions/decisions to make you happy. Continue the counselling, tell them all this.

ebmma

I was wondering is it a pregnancy you are dreaming about or actually having a child?

dlofnep

You're being inconsiderate, but it isn't your fault. You have paternal instincts, so you're driven by a chemical desire to have children.

The guy has finished college, and has probably worked hard to be where he is. He probably wants a few years to relax before he gets into the fatherhood business. It's not that he doesn't want children with you - it's probably just that he wants to wait a few years.

You're going to have to get over it, and just be patient. Enjoy a few years of freedom, and relax. When he's ready - you'll have a child.

winterwonder

Thanks Catori, I think your reply makes the most sense and has really helped me. I still would love to have a baby but I know now isn't the right time for both of us.

ebmma wrote: »

I was wondering is it a pregnancy you are dreaming about or actually having a child?

Its about having a child....... just wondering why do you ask???