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Why is it not ok to want to be single?

LegacyUser

I'm a 33 year old female and single by choice, literally everybody I know apart from my brother has a major problem with this.

I went out last night with a married friend and the conversation was completely dominated by her about the fact that I want to be single. She refuses to believe that anybody could be happy on their own, and that my basically my whole life is an act. I mean how insulting can somebody be? She doesn't have children, how would she feel if somebody told her her life couldn't possibly be fulfilling because she doesn't have kids?

It's the same at work, people constantly drone on about how hard it must to be meet somebody these days, etc, etc. What is so strange about somebody wanting to be single? I honestly can't see anything positive about being in a relationship, surely there are others who feel the same...

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104494431

If you're comfortable being single then why would you care about what these people are saying?

bronte

Some people just can't see things other than their way.
It's infuriating...if it were me I'd call her on it and tell her she was being really close-minded. Might wake her up.

ncmc

I honestly can't see anything positive about being in a relationship, surely there are others who feel the same...

I find this a strange statement, I have no problem whatsoever with people wanting to be single, but not being able to see anything positive about being in a relationship? There are so many positives being in a relationship, I'm not going to even start listing them. Fair enough if you weigh up the pros and cons and decide that you're happier being single, but it sounds to me like you are very anti relationships. Has something happened in the past to make you feel this way? Maybe your friends are just worried about you. I guess I just feel that if you were totally happy being single and displayed this happy outlook, people wouldn't feel the need to try and convince you into a relationship. Maybe is your mouth saying one thing and your actions/body language saying another?

At the end of the day, your friends probably don't mean to be hurtful to you. They may think that you are really desperate to meet someone and maybe are trying to help you out. I suppose all you can do is stop them when they start talking about it and tell them that you are not comfortable talking about it. If you say it in a very direct way, they should respect your wishes.

herya

ncmc wrote: »

I find this a strange statement, I have no problem whatsoever with people wanting to be single, but not being able to see anything positive about being in a relationship?

If she can't see anything positive about being in a relationship for her that's absolutely fine.

Myself I wouldn't give up my man for anything but I have single friends who are absolutely happy as being single just works better for them.

OP just tell her straight that you're not encouraging this type of advice on your emotional life unless she wants to hears some of yours on hers.

LegacyUser

It is ok to be single. Im in my late 20s and very happy single. Though i do find that some people aren't happy that i am single. I work with people and if they see you say hello at all to someone of the opposote sex, they would take it up their arsse and go on about how much of a lovely couple you would make. Some it coming from a single 40year old!

I don't feel the need to be in a relationship at this point in my life. I'm trying to sort out my career, or lack of it and im willing to move for it, and i don't want a man to get in the way of that.

santana75

ncmc wrote: »

I guess I just feel that if you were totally happy being single and displayed this happy outlook, people wouldn't feel the need to try and convince you into a relationship.

Im not so sure about this. People are projectors, they'll try and project onto you their own thoughts, feelings and views of the world. So in this case OP, your friends see you single and think youre not happy or that you couldnt possibly be happy all because if they were in your place they themselves would not be happy. Theyre looking at your position from their perspective and jumping to conclusions based on their beliefs. They just cannot comprehend that a person could be happy single. I'd say its very annoying and you must feel like youre banging your head against a wall.
Women seem to put other women under a lot of pressure when it comes to things like relationships. So many times when ive been around groups of women and relationships are pretty much the focus of the conversation. There is terrible peer pressure to get married and to have kids. I mean this would never happen to a man. Im single and Im a man and never once has one of my male friends so much as even commented on my relationship status. They wouldnt even talk about their own relationship status. In fact I have a friend who I knew for over a year before I even found out he was married. Thats how little we talk about these things.

Anyway I think the only way to get these people off your back is to be very firm with them. You gotta tell them that your relationship status is off the agenda, you wont discuss it and thats that. Dont justify or explain yourself to anybody and if they have a problem with that then cut them loose.

LegacyUser

ncmc wrote: »

I find this a strange statement, I have no problem whatsoever with people wanting to be single, but not being able to see anything positive about being in a relationship?

I would take issue with this too.

Firstly, recovering from yet another lecture on how much more other people know about what she wants and needs than she does, the op is likely to find it very hard to see anything positive in relationships at all, just as an healthy defence mechanism.

Secondly, if the OP cannot see anything positive about relationship from her own perspective, then she can't...and not matter how pathological, or not the factors determining that attitude may be, no amount of trying to persuade her to undertake something she is perfectly happy without will ever make a contructive change to that.

...and lastly...I am not sure it's entirely healthy to see anything positive about relationships unless you know someone you might like to have one with.

herya

santana75 wrote: »

Anyway I think the only way to get these people off your back is to be very firm with them. You gotta tell them that your relationship status is off the agenda, you wont discuss it and thats that. Dont justify or explain yourself to anybody and if they have a problem with that then cut them loose.

I'm not sure it's the best strategy since they'll assume you have issues and are lonely.

Try good-natured and serene putdowns that will make them feel like dear old aunties or nosy mother hens who've no clue what they're talking about. Maybe patronise a little just like they patronise you. Just be consistent.

dan_d

Nothing wrong with being single. It's nobody's business but yours.

I assume that if people weren't going on about being single to you, and in fact, didn't care and never mentioned it, you'd still feel the same way.

Just a thought.

leggo

104494431 wrote: »

If you're comfortable being single then why would you care about what these people are saying?

I've been there. I'm only 22 and whenever a few months go by without me taking a girl home to the family, I'm inunated with questions. Even the question, "So why's there no girlfriend around?" is very difficult to answer...because it's hard to tell a mother/auntie/girlfriend "Well you know...I had a **** bud a while back, but she wanted more and hey, that's not for me right now."

It's a very intrusive question to ask someone with the greater implication being "What's wrong with you for not being with someone right now?" So I can completely understand how she'd feel uncomfortable.

As a guy, I've learned that the best way to handle it is to make a joke when this question comes up. Just say something like, "Ah you know yourself, just playing the field and looking for the best one" suffices.

As a female, obviously that mightn't be an appropriate answer for you...but just brush it off with a similar statement that says, "Okay, I'm fine, now back off!" in not as many words.

Someone was spot on making the point about you seeing nothing positive in relationships being a worrying statement. Maybe your friends/family see this attitude reflected in you and are trying to correct it. Granted, it's not neccessarily their business to do so...but it'd be worse if they just didn't care about you.

So, my suggestion would be this:

SHORT-TERM: Come up with a way to get them to back-off without making a fuss as mentioned above.

LONG-TERM: When you've got a bit of peace from you F&F to focus on yourself...evaluate if relationships REALLY aren't what you want. No rush here, you're still young and have all the time in the world to change your mind. But just do some soul-searching and don't be put off something beautiful because of a few bad experiences. Remember, 90% of us will have to go through PLENTY of Mr/Mrs Wrongs to find Mr/Mrs Right.

sam34

i say something like "ah sure, im having fun, just sowing my wild oats and hoping for a crop failure".

that shuts most people up as they dont know whether or not to take me seriously

RealEstateKing

but it's your attitude to it that counts. If you simply think "Hey I'm single right now, and that's cool, but y'know, would be happy to meet somebody if they turn up" , that's healthy. However if you think that being single for the rest of your life is OK too, that would veer towards the unhealthy end of the spectrum.

Having a loving relationship with another human being (not to mention sex) is one of the major points of being alive, rather like having friends is. And yes I would have to agree that a life of celibacy/singleness would not be a life truly lived.

Its not like being in a relationship is something you can take or leave, like being interested in football or appreciating antiques, it's so basic to human happiness in the long run that opting out of it is rather like saying 'I dont like food' or 'Yeah, Im just not into the whole water thing.'

If this is indeed your attitude, find out what it is that is making your feel this way and take steps to fix it if possible.

thefeatheredcat

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single and people should respect that..if you're happy with it then so should they. Time/effort/energy/money/commitment etc that you spend on a relationship can be used to focus on other aspects of life.

They probably don't even realise they come across in the way you've described...they don't hear anything about a relationship so they may conclude something happened or you're hung up about ex or something like that and may be all well-intentioned to go hey are you ok? is everything ok? They may think you're lonely, even if you don't feel that way yourself.

It's not alien to be single by choice or not. When people are at a certain stage in their life its possible to develop the mentality that it's great and everyone should find themselves at this stage because it's so great. Share the love, so to speak.

sam34

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Its not like being in a relationship is something you can take or leave, like being interested in football or appreciating antiques, it's so basic to human happiness in the long run that opting out of it is rather like saying 'I dont like food' or 'Yeah, Im just not into the whole water thing.'

If this is indeed your attitude, find out what it is that is making your feel this way and take steps to fix it if possible.

thats not really true. if you decide to opt out of food/water, then you'll die pretty quickly.

if you're single, you can live quite happily, and can be very fulfilled. being in a relatioship is not necessary for life, or even for happiness. it is totally a take it or leave it situation.

based on your experience, you may very well think that those who are single have less fulfilled lives. however, those who are single, based on their own experiences, may equally think that those who are in relationships are less free, less independent etc and overall have a poorer quality of life.

everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
different strokes for different folks, and all that.

someone's attitude doesnt need "fixing" just because it's different from yours.

Overheal

Theres a lot to contribute to humanity aside from the endless pass down of genes. Nobody ever remembers Einstein's descendants.

Relationships defined in this thread are monogamous. That hardly means the OP doesnt have relationships with people on a whole. And even saying that, theres nothing wrong with Hermits either.

flibbertyjibbet

sam34 wrote: »

thats not really true. if you decide to opt out of food/water, then you'll die pretty quickly.

if you're single, you can live quite happily, and can be very fulfilled. being in a relatioship is not necessary for life, or even for happiness.

based on your experience, you may very well think that those who are single have less fulfilled lives. however, those who are single, based on their own experiences, may equally think that those who are in relationships are less free, less independent etc and overall have a poorer quality of life.

everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
different strokes for different folks, and all that.

someone's attitude doesnt need "fixing" just because it's different from yours.

Couldn't agree with this more, and there isn't much I find more annoying than people saying you can't possibly be living a happy life, or you're somehow incomplete if you're not in a relationship

sam34

flibbertyjibbet wrote: »

there isn't much I find more annoying than people saying you can't possibly be living a happy life, or you're somehow incomplete if you're not in a relationship

absolutely. it's sometimes seems people are uncomfortable with the fact that a single person isnt conforming to what they think everyone should do.

it never ceases to amaze me that people cant just live and let live when it comes to others' personal lives. it is so overwhelmingly rude to make uninvited comments and patronise someone just because they are not blindly following a path decreed by someone else.

CeNedra

I think the reason people go on about you being single is lack of any other conversation point.
Once you start going out with somebody (depending on your age) then the next question set you'll be getting is when are you getting engaged.
When you're engaged its when are you getting married.
When you are married its when are you having kids.
When you have kids, its when are you going again.
When you stop having kids, you spend most of the rest of your life talking about them......

People are comfortable with similarities, you are different when you are single by a certain age and you don't fit into peoples expected 'conversations' at that point. Their problem not yours.

RealEstateKing

someone's attitude doesnt need "fixing" just because it's different from yours.

I agree. If the OP was saying she was into cricket, watercolour painting and animals and not into say, football, macrame and chess, I wouldnt say a word. To each his own and all the rest.

However, an essential component of any meaningful long-lasting human happiness is a sexual relationship with another person. It is not something you can opt out of. I mean of course, you can, but you will never be anything more than 'content' if you do.

Imagine there was somebody on here who said: "Yeah, why is it that nobody can understand that I just don't want to have any friends? People just kind of annoy me, I cant see any positive side to having friends" - You would quite rightly say that as an attitude to life, that is missing some very essential human component

Of course there is nothing wrong with being single for a year or two if that's what you want, but if you think you can be happy in the long term without making an adult non-platonic connection with another human being of either sex, you're wrong. Sorry, but I didnt make the rules. Ask Abraham Mazlow.

kelle

I would never, ever ask anybody why they weren't in a relationship / when they're having kids / when they're having their next child - it's the height of ignorance.
You can't get into a relationship with somebody unless you get on well with them / have similar interests and outlooks on life / that person is caring and respectable towards you, there's other points and I could go on all day. You might meet your soulmate at 16, or you could be 40. There's no point in going out with somebody if the other person makes you unhappy - just to keep everybody else happy!
Same with kids, the couple might genuinely not want children and it would be awful for children to be born to people like that. Or maybe they can't have them and don't want to discuss their private business.

Op, if you are okay being single that's fine. If you want a relationship, that's fine too - have a good time hunting!

herya

RealEstateKing wrote: »

However, an essential component of any meaningful long-lasting human happiness is a sexual relationship with another person. It is not something you can opt out of. I mean of course, you can, but you will never be anything more than 'content' if you do.

That's not true. Sure it's important for your well being if can enjoy it but there are many people who are celibate either by choice or out of necessity and still live fulfilled, satisfying lives and have plenty of interaction with others. On the other hand there are people who have sexual relationships all right but their life is very far from even 'content' not to mention happy.

Jack B. Badd

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Sorry, but I didnt make the rules.

What rules? Each person's life is their own to live and I'm sure there are people out there who don't have friends or who have a very small circle of friends and are happy. We're not carbon copies of each other so one person's definition of happiness will not be another's.

RealEstateKing

What rules?

I dont mean actual rules written down by someone. I mean that there are a few simple core things that ALL human beings need in order to be truly happy, in the same way in which a dog needs to be walked. I don't beleive that these things are negotiable: They are actually an essential part of what being a human being is.

Our ordinary everyday likes and dislikes may differ from each other, but once our basic food, shelter and security are taken care of: ALL of us need:

(1) Friends and relatives that love us.
(2) Fulfilling work that we are good at that means something to us.
(3) An adult sexual relationship with another human being.
(4) A sense of belonging or identity to things larger than ourselves.

You are entirely free to like/dislike whatever you want in order to find your path to happiness, but it is impossible to be happy in the long term without at least giving these things your best shot.

Of course you might bit never find these things, and many human beings never do. But if anybody here really has the attitude that they NEVER want to be in a human relationship as long as they live, we can categorically say that that is an unhealthy attitude to being alive.

However I entirely understand how annoying it can be to be single and have paired-up folks giving you **** about it. Its not easy to find someone and not all of us are physically/emotionally equipped at various stages in our life to do so. But yes, I do beleive that giving up on the idea entirely is unhealthy. You should at least be open to the idea that someday you might find a relationship more fulfilling than being single, is all I am saying.

mood

Not everyone in a relationship is happy, fulfilled and treated well etc. And not all of them are even having a sexual relationship anymore.

sam34

RealEstateKing wrote: »

but if you think you can be happy in the long term without making an adult non-platonic connection with another human being of either sex, you're wrong. Sorry, but I didnt make the rules. Ask Abraham Mazlow.

LOL.

plenty of people in sexual relationships are very unhappy, being with someone is no guarantee of happiness or contentment.

as for the "rules", while im very familiar with mazlow's theory and his heirarchy of needs, it is just that - a theory, not an exact rigorous science.

in any event, who are you, or anyone else, to try and measure anyone's happiness "well, actually, you're only just content, whereas i'm ecstatic".
people have different aims, goals and dreams for life, nobody's can be held up as teh ideal or more noble that anyone elses.

flibbertyjibbet

RealEstateKing wrote: »

(1) Friends and relatives that love us.
(2) Fulfilling work that we are good at that means something to us.
(3) An adult sexual relationship with another human being.
(4) A sense of belonging or identity to things larger than ourselves.

You are entirely free to like/dislike whatever you want in order to find your path to happiness, but it is impossible to be happy in the long term without at least giving these things your best shot.

Of course you might bit never find these things, and many human beings never do. But if anybody here really has the attitude that they NEVER want to be in a human relationship as long as they live, we can categorically say that that is an unhealthy attitude to being alive.

.

RealEstateKing wrote: »

However, an essential component of any meaningful long-lasting human happiness is a sexual relationship with another person. It is not something you can opt out of. I mean of course, you can, but you will never be anything more than 'content' if you do.

Imagine there was somebody on here who said: "Yeah, why is it that nobody can understand that I just don't want to have any friends? People just kind of annoy me, I cant see any positive side to having friends" - You would quite rightly say that as an attitude to life, that is missing some very essential human component

Ask Abraham Mazlow.

I don't agree with this. I would say people need a meaningful relationship with someone who they feel equal to. Who they can talk to about things, socialize with, share things with, offload to, feel attached to, trust, care about and feel cared for. This could be a relative or a friend. People have different social needs - as someone said, many people have very few people who they would be close to and are happy this way.

I think if someone didn't have anyone who they felt these things above with, I think there would be a feeling of isolation, feeling "trapped", deep depression, many crying spells and an ability to function normally because they are thinking about this constantly. This would be constant. But these feelings wouldn't be constant with someone who's not in a relationship or sexual relationship. Sure, they may feel some of these things some of the time but they get on with their lives, and they are perfectly happy.

If you asked 100 people who had no close equal relationships with anyone if they had fulfilled lives it can be assumed that the vast majority would say no. If you asked 100 people who were not having sex or not in a relationship if they felt they had fulfilled lives a much higher number would say yes.

And most modern psychologists wouldn't exactly take Maslow's hierarchy of needs as gospel these days

RealEstateKing

in any event, who are you, or anyone else, to try and measure anyone's happiness "well, actually, you're only just content, whereas i'm ecstatic".

Um, Im a human being, like you are, thats 'who I am'. As a human being, I like to think I have some idea how human beings work.

Some simple-minded folk seem to think Im advocating the idea that only people in relationships are happy. That is of course not true, there are many people in relationships that are miserable.

I am simply stating, that it is extremely mentally unhealthy to want to be celibate and loveless for the rest of your life (if that is indeed what anybody here is advocating) - I am not saying that you can't be happy when you're single. I am merely saying that it is uhnhealthy not to be open to the possibility of being in a relationship some day.

Its kind of like as if you said "God I love being on holiday, sitting on a beach and doing nothing at all." I'd agree with you, but if you said that this was actually what you would like to do with the rest of your life, I would suggest that there is something fundamentally wrong with that attitude - you'd be missing out on so much of what being a human being is , if you simply lay on a beach doing nothing all day, even if it sounds attractive now.

people have different aims, goals and dreams for life

Yes they do, completely different. Some like tea, some like coffee, some say tomayto, some say tomato. But we are talking about something far deeper and more important than this. Having a partner is not just an expression of preference or consumer choice, it is part of the process of becoming a fully developed human being.

But obviously nothing I say will convince you of this anyway.

santana75

RealEstateKing wrote: »

However, an essential component of any meaningful long-lasting human happiness is a sexual relationship with another person. It is not something you can opt out of. I mean of course, you can, but you will never be anything more than 'content' if you do.

Imagine there was somebody on here who said: "Yeah, why is it that nobody can understand that I just don't want to have any friends? People just kind of annoy me, I cant see any positive side to having friends" - You would quite rightly say that as an attitude to life, that is missing some very essential human component

Of course there is nothing wrong with being single for a year or two if that's what you want, but if you think you can be happy in the long term without making an adult non-platonic connection with another human being of either sex, you're wrong. Sorry, but I didnt make the rules. Ask Abraham Mazlow.

That is the most nonsense I've ever seen squeezed into just one post. Seriously man you're living on another planet. Where are you getting these "Rules" from?

Terodil

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be single.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be single.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be single.

OK now that I've said this three times to demonstrate my agreement with this point of view (there's nothing wrong with wanting to be single), let me say that I also see a point in RealEstateKing's posts. While I wouldn't go quite as far as REK (especially with a view to the 'sex is required to be happy' point), I do think there is something wrong with closing yourself off to the possibility of a relationship.

I agree with a preposter who said that relationships require another person, and that's the point: Who we meet, who we fall in love with, is a result of {fate, god's will, luck, the Force, chaos, ...} (pick yours). If you actually meet the One and kill your feelings for him/her just because you've decided to stay single once, not because you re-make that decision after re-evaluating all facts and feelings there and then, you're only hurting yourself.

You may be happy living alone and doing your thing and that's perfectly fine. If you meet somebody and see the opportunity to be even happier and leading a more fulfilled life that way and reject it for dogmatic reasons/fear/whatever has lead you to the decision to stay single up to now, then you are wasting a chance, and that's not ok. (It's the same the other way round but not going into this.)

Stay single, don't worry about what others say, but keep an open mind

sam34

RealEstateKing wrote: »

I am simply stating, that it is extremely mentally unhealthy to want to be celibate and loveless for the rest of your life (if that is indeed what anybody here is advocating) - I am not saying that you can't be happy when you're single. .

extremely mentally unhealthy?? give me a break! in all my years studying psychiatry (and thats quite a few), not wanting a relationship was never mentioned as a sign of illness or abnormal psychology. i would consider it quite healthy to know what you want and to pursue that, rather than blindly following a path that others lay down for you.

in any event, just because one is celibate does not mean one is "loveless". there can be plenty of loving platonic relationships that could fulfil any desire to be loved/wanted/needed etc

RealEstateKing wrote: »

I am merely saying that it is uhnhealthy not to be open to the possibility of being in a relationship some day.

but you're not merely saying that. you're going so far as to say that people cannot be truly content or "fully developed" if they do not have a partner:

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Having a partner is not just an expression of preference or consumer choice, it is part of the process of becoming a fully developed human being