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Bisexual question

spingoo

Hi everybody,

This is my first post here. I mightaswell jump in at the deepend. I've always been a straight man and still am, I am hugely attracted to women. the thing is I've always wondered about being with a man and what it would be like but it always remainded just something i thought about. I never actually fancied a man or saw one i wanted to sleep with, this has changed. I've been friends with a gay guy for a few years now and I find myself fancying him and wanting to sleep with him. I never considered myself to be bisexual before and I'm definitely attracted to women more than to men but I feel that I really want to sleep with this guy. My question is, to gay guys on this forum (or anyone else really) what kind of answer should I expect from him if I tell him whats going on. There's no possibility of a relationship here, I dont even know if i am bisexual. I probably am because i've been thinking about it alot lately.should I say anything at all? or just forget about it. are gay guys even interested with sleeping with bisexual men? any advice is welcome.

Oh, Moderaters, I read the charter so I dont think this post is out of order here, but if it is, remove it no problem.

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Nevyn

Why pick on your friend?
Seriously if someone was a friend of mine and wanted to take advantage of my friendship with them to selfishly sexually experiment to see if they might be bi I'd be pissed off.

spingoo

I'm not selfishelly sexually experimenting though. I'm asking what people here think. thanks for your answer all the same, it's the reason why i posted. also, its a big leap to say i'm taking advantage, I just kind of fancy him

Boston

Personally I wouldn't be too keen to be the one opening that door for anyone. The idea that you can just have sex with a member of the same sex and then shrug it off if you don't like it is naive. You should be sure you understand and accept all the consequences of your actions before you do anything.

If Thaeds response seems hostile to you, then you're picking it up the correct make. Many people, Straight/ Bi-sexual / Homosexual, are very hostile towards the idea of sexual tourist. People who use others for experimentation and with little commitment. For you it may be just a little fun and something "no one need ever know about" but for your friend its a constant part of this life and potentially something very serious/ intimate not to be toyed with.

All that said, your friend maybe be delighted at the prospect of getting laid and not few sex as a big deal. Who knows, you know him better then us, what way do you feel he'll react?

shay_562

Thaedydal wrote:

Why pick on your friend?
Seriously if someone was a friend of mine and wanted to take advantage of my friendship with them to selfishly sexually experiment to see if they might be bi I'd be pissed off.

I'm not sure I'd view it as "taking advantage" of friendship to ask a friend if they'd be interested in engaging in sexual experimentation. If the OP was proposing stringing him along and telling him he loved him, that'd be bad, but I think many people (particularly gay people) have a broader view of sexuality than assuming that someone's just a "sexual tourist" and may be willing to help someone experiment. I know plenty of gay guys who have had casual things with straight friends (and even a couple of straight guys who I know have experimented) and while it doesn't exactly make for a bright future for the relationship, I don't think anyone ever felt taken advantage of, and I certainly don't think it's a given that his friend would be insulted.

What is almost certain, OP, is that your friendship will deteriorate to at least some extent should you broach the subject with him. If he says no, it's the elephant in the room forever. If he says yes, it's an even bigger elephant, trumpeting loudly. How close are you both? 'Cause if you're not willing to, at best, put up with a fair bit of awkwardness and, at worst, lose him as a friend, don't mention it. I'm curious about this bit:

There's no possibility of a relationship here, I dont even know if i am bisexual.

What makes you say there's no chance of a relationship? What if something happens and you decide you are bisexual, or at least sexually attracted to this one guy? What makes you rule out the possibility of a relationship? If it's shame or fear of judgement or whatever, another thing you should take into account is how discrete he's likely to be. Plus, there's the fact that asking someone for a no-strings shag is one thing, while asking them for a no-strings shag that they can never mention to anyone ever again, you included, is a bit harder. Being treated like a shameful secret can be a bit of a blow to one's self-esteem.

I guess you're mostly looking at this from a "straw poll" perspective, so here's my personal take: there's straight friends of mine that I would consider too close as friends to risk losing, and there's even more that I just wouldn't want to sleep with (bear in mind that, fine specimin of physicality though you no doubt are, he may just be Not That Into You, which is a whole separate heap of awkward), but there's definitely straight friends that I'd be willing to have no-strings sex with if they approached me.

One final question: what age are you? (roughly, if you don't want to divulge details) My experience would be that, the older guys get, the less willing they are to act as 'training wheels' for bicurious guys (though obviously, mileage varies on that), so that'll definitely be a factor in how he responds.

spingoo

boston, I'm not really sure how he'd react, it definitely wouldnt be hostile!

I dont know if sexual tourist is a fair label. it's something that I'm quite confused about and that's the reason I'm looking for some advice. I'm not just out to experiment and then forget about it (and him) we are quite good friends. as i said in my original post, forgetting about is an option.
it's what i've been doing 'till now. It's the easy solution,

Nevyn

Well how about figuring out what it is about him that you are attracted to and seeing if you can find those qualties in another man.

Or it is the thrill of doing something taboo?

I get that may people think the are bi curious and can take a while to figure out themselves if they ever do ( I think that sexual preference is a lot more fuild then people admit, then again I would say that being bi ) and that it can take making that leap and doing something sexually physical to figure it out and a friend that you know can seem like a safe option. But it can often be opening a whole can of worms you don't expect.

I am sure he is not the only gay/bi guy in your life, guess what they are
everywhere.

Personally I think a lot of people are attracted to people of their own gender in some way often they will be ok with above the belt stuff but personally I think if you can't see yourself indulging in oral sex with them both giving and receiving then chances are you are not as attracted to them as you think.

Figure out your head first as much as you can and then talk to him if you still feel you want to.
Don't forget just cos he is gay, that doesn't mean he fancys you or will think that experimenting with you is a good idea.

spingoo

Shay,
the things you highlited in your reply are exactly what i've been thinking about. Particurally the secrecy issue. not sure what i think about that.

you're right about the friendship deteriorating (I've had it happen before with good female friends). it seems to me tha the best thing to do is nothing. it's kind of what i thought all along.

shay_562

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well how about figuring out what it is about him that you are attracted to and seeing if you can find those qualties in another man...I am sure he is not the only gay/bi guy in your life, guess what they are everywhere.

I dunno...I've heard plenty of bisexual people describe (paraphrasing here) 'falling in love with the person, not the sexuality'. It seems a tad blasé to just say "Why not find another gay guy and shag him, see if it takes" - it ignores the fact that the OP has found himself attracted to one guy, ever, and kinda seems like saying "A hole's a hole". Seriously disagree with this, tbh.

Personally I think a lot of people are attracted to people of their own gender in some way often they will be ok with above the belt stuff but personally I think if you can't see yourself indulging in oral sex with them both giving and receiving then chances are you are not as attracted to them as you think.

Again, disagree completely. Coming to terms with sexuality takes time - I know that long after I realised I was gay I'd have been a little freaked out by the thought of doing anything remotely sexual with a guy. As I've posted in this forum before, I practically sprinted out of the George after the first time I kissed a guy; if someone had said to me then "So, oral sex? Yay or nay?" I doubt I'd have been that enthusiastic. If the criteria for every questioning person was "Can you see yourself giving them a blowjob? No? Then you're straight" I think most questioning people would stay in the closet, which strikes me as something of a bad thing.

Figure out your head first as much as you can and then talk to him if you still feel you want to.
Don't forget just cos he is gay, that doesn't mean he fancys you or will think that experimenting with you is a good idea.

Agree with this part completely, but I think the OP's already doing that by talking to us. It doesn't seem like he wants to use his friend in a casual way, so I think you're being overly hard on him when you imply that he's just in it for the thrill, or the taboo kick.

Spingoo - not to labour a point, but what is it that's making you say "no relationship could ever come of this"?

Nevyn

shay_562 wrote: »

I dunno...I've heard plenty of bisexual people describe (paraphrasing here) 'falling in love with the person, not the sexuality'. It seems a tad blasé to just say "Why not find another gay guy and shag him, see if it takes" - it ignores the fact that the OP has found himself attracted to one guy, ever, and kinda seems like saying "A hole's a hole". Seriously disagree with this, tbh.

I've already said that I think that human sexuality it more fluid them most people want to think and I do agree with the falling for the person but there some a time when you either want to see their orgasm face or you don't imho; and if you don't then you have to re asses and see that it is just a crush. That you admire the person and are attracted whom they are but that's it.

shay_562 wrote: »

Again, disagree completely. Coming to terms with sexuality takes time

It does for some people, it doesn't for others, I know that it may take more for guys given the nature of homophobia in this country which sadly has many young people (esp boys) growning up still with the idea that they do on want to be gay as it's wrong, or not right or not valid.

shay_562 wrote: »

- I know that long after I realised I was gay I'd have been a little freaked out by the thought of doing anything remotely sexual with a guy. As I've posted in this forum before, I practically sprinted out of the George after the first time I kissed a guy; if someone had said to me then "So, oral sex? Yay or nay?" I doubt I'd have been that enthusiastic.

Well congratulations on your learning curve about your sexuality,
personally it's not something I had but again I am not a guy.

shay_562 wrote: »

If the criteria for every questioning person was "Can you see yourself giving them a blowjob? No? Then you're straight" I think most questioning people would stay in the closet, which strikes me as something of a bad thing.

Nope I would that they are not sexually attracted to that person rather then not being gay/bi.

shay_562 wrote: »

Agree with this part completely, but I think the OP's already doing that by talking to us. It doesn't seem like he wants to use his friend in a casual way, so I think you're being overly hard on him when you imply that he's just in it for the thrill, or the taboo kick.

I don't mean to come across has hard but I am asking hard and challenging questions ( while trying to not snigger at using the term hard :P )

shay_562 wrote: »

Spingoo - not to labour a point, but what is it that's making you say "no relationship could ever come of this"?

Personally I have to say that is a pet hate of mine.
When someone thinks you are good enough to take a tumble with but not to date as they have not figured out their own issues with their sexuality or are more bi-phobic and concerned about what other people will think of them and who they are dating.

shay_562

Thaedydal wrote:

It does for some people, it doesn't for others, I know that it may take more for guys given the nature of homophobia in this country which sadly has many young people (esp boys) growning up still with the idea that they do on want to be gay as it's wrong, or not right or not valid.

Well, exactly, but that's kinda my point, and that's why it's not necessarily fair to ask someone to make the jump from "I think I might be attracted to this person" to "I want to blow this person", especially if someone's viewed themselves as straight for quite a period of time. It's great for you that you avoided the "sexuality learning curve", but plenty of people don't, and saying "if you can't picture giving them oral now, you never will, so just forget it" doesn't necessarily hold true.

Personally I have to say that is a pet hate of mine.
When someone thinks you are good enough to take tumble with but not to date as they have not figured out their own issues with their sexuality or are more bi-phobic and concerned about what other people will think of them and who they are dating.

Oh, agreed, and that's why (a) I'd really like the OP to answer this question, as it's kinda important in terms of how he should proceed and (b) why, even if he does decide to say anything to his friend, he should be honest from the very beginning if he doesn't see any way a relationship could form.

Also, 'hard'

Nebit

this is how i got my first boyfriend haha:p
he started to have feelings for me outa the blue it seemed and at the time i had just only came out as being bi, i never told him but kinda had a crush on him.

i declared it on facebook and to a few m8s that i was bisexual, but hardly any1 reads that however a week later a mate of mine started acting a bit strange but in a good way, like he'd look at me and he'd ask me to play xbox etc with him more often and we just got quite close, but at times they'd be that gud silance, i started getting the feeling he maybe more open about this type of thing.:D

But before i could tell him, one night after coming back from a party, too my horror, he saw me check him out. He came over and kissed me to which i said what are you doin and he said experimenting.
i know its rather Hollywood but i guess my point is that you can't say that no relationship will ever come of it when it could do.;)

my ex boyfriend used to tell me i was the only guy he was in to and so far that would be correct, so i think that puts the whole get some random guy thing to rest.:eek:

if i were you id throw a few hints his way and check for signs like my ex did, and then act on it, but i dunno saying to him that your curious and maybe you could both experiment sounds a bit risky to me tbh.:(

oh and i've stayed friends with him after the break up too.

i hope this helped you in sum way?

renraw

Bad, bad, bad idea! I had a very close friend do this to me and he was seeing a girl i know for 10 years and we were the best of mates. I freaked out when he "suggested" certain things to me and then came right out with it. This guy was marrying the girl and it was fvcked up. I haven't spoken to him since as he knew nothing would happen. thats just my two sense worth.

Dwn Wth Vwls

There's no way for us to know how he'll react. It could easily go either way. Have you considered having this conversation with him? If you told him you sometimes wondered if you weren't 100% straight, chances are you'd get an idea of where the conversation was headed. It would be an easier way to broach the subject than telling him you fancied him, and one that leaves you plenty of opportunity to back out.

mollzer

As someone else mentioned sexuality is fluid, and there is no time frame to when you can discover new parts to your sexuality!
If the OP fancies this guy so what if its his first experience or not, we all had to have our 'first'.
And I'm sure if this guy is your friend he will know you're straight, but you could drop some hints, or what would you do if it was a female friend you fancied?? what would you do?
You're not unique in growing up thinking you're hetro and then come to a time in your life when you fancy someone of the same sex. Its happens all the time.

boredboard

in the op you say it's something you have always wondered about (being with a man), but haven't acted upon it... might not only be the particular guy you are interested in but maybe you have reached a point in your life where you are interested in acting upon thoughts (possibly feelings) you have had in the past... Can I ask how long have you had openly gay friends? - if it's not too long you may feel 'braver' now that you see more acceptance of differing sexualities etc. in society and you can now act on your 'natural urges' that have been there all along...

sparkywolf

I'm bi myself and speaking from experience going with a close friend can be a bad idea, so I understand your concern, but I don't know what your friend is like, that's really up to you in the end. But building on what boredboards said about acting on urges why not consult your friend rather than proposition a sexual encounter.

Try making him your confidant in this predicament, if it leads to him helping you explore this on his own volition, then that's what'll happen. But he could also put you onto the right track of meeting someone else who could help.

You never know what course of action will lead to the best result, so its best to explore your options before jumping into any one of them specifically.