Is my boyfriend gay?

prinz wrote: »

People who are confused about their sexuality =/= a healthy relationship.

I see no contradiction there. He loves the OP, but he does some silly things online that he may not consider cheating, and the reason he does them is because he has a homosexual side. When challenged about those things, he promises to stop. And that's that - until and unless someone can prove that he has at least met one of the people he contacted.

Being confused about your sexuality does not mean you cannot
genuinly love someone.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Being confused about your sexuality does not mean you cannot
genuinly love someone.

Don't you think that confusion should be settled before you commit your life to one person? Before you bring a baby into the world with that person? You're assuming that he will stop. I think if he's that confused it's pretty safe to say he won't stop. Why would he? If he decides he's gay, what then... if he decides he's bi, do you think he'll just stop all this nonsense he's being going on with? Even if he decides he's bi do you think it's going to be easy for the OP to live with that?

SarahSassy

It doesn’t matter whether he is into men, women or ducks… The point here is that he has been actively, regularily and over a long term engaging in actions which are not beneficial to the core of their relationship. It is not kosher to have pictures of naked humans (male or female) on your phone when you are in a long term relationship with A.N. Other…. It is not kosher to be swapping elicit text messages when you are in a long term relationship with A.N. Other…. It is not kosher to be registering and participating on gay websites when you are in a long term relationship with A.N. Other and especially when she is in hospital having your baby….

TBH, I think he is acting like a prize dick. If it were me and I had nothing to hide then I would be on to the counsellor straight away, if for nothing other than to give my gf (OP) some head peace.

Its not fair to call him an adulterer but at the end of the day his actions smack of disloyalty and dishonesty.

OP, you know what to do but I can only imagine how hard it is to do it.

Add that to the fact that he's still trying to delude the OP and what you've got is an A1 selfish clown.

(a) I took a pic, put it on the computer, have it in my email - but I wasn't going to send it? Yeah, right.

(b) I didn't look at the pics of men, I only got them and sent them on to others... Yeah, right.

(c) I don't like gays..... I just enjoyed seeing how far they'll go.. Yeah, right.

(d) I don't like gays... I just enjoyed hearing what they like, and telling them what I like... Yeah, right.

He's in denial. He's trying to draw her into his web of denial.

Taltos

Moomoo1 wrote: »

give him a break mate - he is clearly confused about his sexuality and needs support and sympathy, not to be dumped out of the family nest at the first sign of trouble

Confusion over something like this might go on for a few days, weeks maybe a month or two.
But FIVE YEARS.... FFS...
I am all for giving the benefit of the doubt - but 5 years
Either in Denial or looking for a Mummy to mind him or ashamed of his sexuality.

prinz wrote: »

Don't you think that confusion should be settled before you commit your life to one person? Before you bring a baby into the world with that person? You're assuming that he will stop. I think if he's that confused it's pretty safe to say he won't stop. Why would he? If he decides he's gay, what then... if he decides he's bi, do you think he'll just stop all this nonsense he's being going on with? Even if he decides he's bi do you think it's going to be easy for the OP to live with that?

Pub07

It's simple really. A straight guy will not engage in sending and receiving pictures of naked men for a period of 5 years. Not even for a period of 5 seconds. The last thing any straight guy wants to see on his phone is a picture of some other guy's big hairy flute.

I feel sympathetic more than critical of gay guys in sham marriages from before the time when homosexuality became more socially acceptable. People can't help the way they're wired. From your posts it seems like your bf comes from a background where it is similarly prohibitive to be homosexual. That said, I had a friend who is gay and came from a background like that and all he had to do was to move to dublin.

If you decide to stay with him, the best scenario I'd postulate would be that he's telling the truth about never meeting these guys. He decides to stop talking to them and admits he's bi. You accept that he's bi and looks at gay porn.

I think if he continues to say he's not sexually interested in men then he's lying to himself, and therefore unlikely to take responsibility for his actions. So if you want to be able to trust him again you'll need him to admit his sexuality. He might be gay and not bi, or more interested in men than women, and unlikely to tell you easily if that's the case.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

give him a break mate - he is clearly confused about his sexuality and needs support and sympathy, not to be dumped out of the family nest at the first sign of trouble.

Unbelievable! HE needs support and sympathy? Are you for real. This woman has just given birth and is now trying to care for a newborn for the first time!!! Its her who needs support and sympathy not another human burden with the worst sense of timing ever. Jaysus wept.

HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING HER AND HIS DAUGHTER. Not tearing OP apart emotionally. Have you any comprehension of the phsysical and emotional toll of pregnancy, birth and newborn care?

People have nervous breakdowns from those things alone, never mind this self centred parasite looking to be mothered when he should be the adult and backbone of the 'family nest' at this time.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I agree that he has been inconsiderate and silly,

That has got to be the most ridiculous understatement I have heard on boards in a long time. He has been mendacious, using, self serving, sly, selfish and cruel.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

but I really don't think that anything he did warrants the OP putting him and herself through a painful breakup of an otherwise healthy relationship.

I 100% disagree. He has burned his bridges irreversably.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Sawing branches you are sitting on isn't very clever or mature.

She is not sitting on the branch. The branch has become a cross accross her back. A burden for her to carry that is almost breaking her at this critical time in her life.

So lets take that and apply it to him. HE is not very smart or clever to be sawing the branch HE is sitting on.....but he has.....and I am glad at least OP has found out what he is up to.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Unbelievable! HE needs support and sympathy? Are you for real. This woman has just given birth and is now trying to care for a newborn for the first time!!! Its her who needs support and sympathy not another human burden with the worst sense of timing ever. Jaysus wept.

she needs support and sympathy too, I am not disputing that. But so does he.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING HER AND HIS DAUGHTER. Not tearing OP apart emotionally. Have you any comprehension of the phsysical and emotional toll of pregnancy, birth and newborn care?

People have nervous breakdowns from those things alone, never mind this self centred parasite looking to be mothered when he should be the adult and backbone of the 'family nest' at this time.

From what I've heard, he has supported the OP and her daughter faithfully for 5 years and has been a very good bf. It's strange that people are so quick to just ignore that. Yes, there is his indisgression on one hand, but you have to weigh that against the multitude of positive things he presumably did for the relationship.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

That has got to be the most ridiculous understatement I have heard on boards in a long time. He has been mendacious, using, self serving, sly, selfish and cruel.

You don't have enough to go on to make those sorts of assumptions. He may not have realised that what he was doing was wrong. Everyone has a character weakness you know, no one's nearly as much of a saint as they pretend to be...

The fact he made no attempts to hide his indisgressions suggests he didn't think much of them, didn't think that they would be taken so badly.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I 100% disagree. He has burned his bridges irreversably.

Nah. Give it time, and things will be great again.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

She is not sitting on the branch. The branch has become a cross accross her back. A burden for her to carry that is almost breaking her at this critical time in her life.

So lets take that and apply it to him. HE is not very smart or clever to be sawing the branch HE is sitting on.....but he has.....and I am glad at least OP has found out what he is up to.

Well, I just think that what you are advising her to do (end the relationship) is must more damaging and counter-productive than what he did (chat up a few men online).

Moomoo1 wrote: »

The fact he made no attempts to hide his indisgressions suggests he didn't think much of them, didn't think that they would be taken so badly.

Errr, yes he did... or the OP would have known about it 5 years ago.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Nah. Give it time, and things will be great again.
Well, I just think that what you are advising her to do (end the relationship) is must more damaging and counter-productive than what he did (chat up a few men online).

tbh I think you're trolling at this stage.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

she needs support and sympathy too, I am not disputing that. But so does he.

It is not the victims job to support the con artist.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

From what I've heard, he has supported the OP and her daughter faithfully for 5 years and has been a very good bf.

No, its a NEW baby. Not 5 years old.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

It's strange that people are so quick to just ignore that. Yes, there is his indisgression on one hand, but you have to weigh that against the multitude of positive things he presumably did for the relationship.

No you dont. Certainly not. Some things are dealbreakers. Concealing a material fact cuch as 'Im gay/bisexual' is one of those things.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

You don't have enough to go on to make those sorts of assumptions. He may not have realised that what he was doing was wrong. Everyone has a character weakness you know, no one's nearly as much of a saint as they pretend to be...

I certainly DO have enough to go on. All you need to know is he is gay/bisexual and he has concealed this from OP. On getting caught he has attempted to muddy the waters in a further show of dispicable greed.

This is not 'character weakness' -this is deliberately taking away his partners free will to choose whether she wants to be with him or not. With him for WHO HE REALLY IS.

He may not have realised what he was doing is wrong?

I roundly reject that and do not believe it for one second. He is a grown man. He has to take personal responsibility. The days of the dog ate my homework are long gone.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

The fact he made no attempts to hide his indisgressions suggests he didn't think much of them, didn't think that they would be taken so badly.

He didn't think about anything except HIMSELF you mean. So someone who doesn't know right from wrong and does nothing but think of themselves when there is a new baby in the house.......nothing but a useless drain, must be got rid of.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Nah. Give it time, and things will be great again.

Sadly no.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Well, I just think that what you are advising her to do (end the relationship) is must more damaging and counter-productive than what he did (chat up a few men online).

Well I disagree. Living a lie is no life. Why should OP have to suck this up?
Its not her problem nor her daughters.

Peewee_lane

Hi, OP.

I remember when I found similar wesbites and gay porn sites on my ex's laptop, he freaked at me, but Im glad I found them. I was in denial at the time we could make it work, but it never was. When he was younger he convinced his slumber party friend that they should teach each other blow jobs and he never saw that friend again after they did the act.

Only a few months into our relationship, after we had an argument he stormed off through town and went to where the gay prostitutes were and paid one to do the business with him. Went back to his house, etc, and did deeds. He told about 1.5 year later, I was really appalled.

I couldnt deal with the fact he did the dirt on me with a bloke.. I was really really upset, couldnt get it out of my head.

I understand now, all the strap ons, etc were because he was unknowingly concealing his sexuality and he was too ashamed to be seen walking down the street holding hands with a man.(He said this..)

I dont understand you boyf though, if its just fun, he should stop, and I dont understand wht a straight man would have pictures of homsexual men on his phone, furthermore, I dont understand why, when hes in a relationship, he is initiating relationships online and scewing with people, sending on pictures to his homosexual ring.

I just want to say that it ate me up with the most evilest negative pain and Im so glad hes out of my life and Im back to being positive now, because it drove me up the wall.

I can only suggest you tell him to get his act together, you or the men.

Saucey-Susie

After reading through this, i agree with most people.

first of all, imagine he was doing what he has been doing for the past five years with women... pics, emails, texts, signing up to sites.... would you be questioning to stay with him or not...

i think whats making you question it more is because its men.. because you actually cant believe he has been doing what he has been doing for 5 years with men and your hoping there is some other explaination. i know if my other half was on any website, and got at least 1 number from a girl and was texting her and sending her pics, that would be it.... never mind doing it for 5 years and with men!!

i know its hard, but you HAVE to look after yourself and do what is right for you. Do you think he will actually change completely and stop this? Do you think you can trust him 100% again and not have the urge to check his texts, emails etc to make sure he is behaving himself?

i think you would be putting an awful lot of pressure and stress on yourself. He isnt thinking about you or your feelings so its time you do!

OP - a few years ago I could have written your post. Whether he is gay/bi, he's engaging in extra-curricular behaviour that is damaging your relationship, it doesn't matter whether these pictures are of men or women, it is extremely inappropriate and downright disrespectful. Like you, I got all the excuses (I just wanted to see what would happen etc).....excuse me but it's all bullsh*t, anyone who needs to go to those lengths is fooling himself and more importantly, you. To those of you advocating support and understanding for the OP's boyfriend...let me just say that finding out your other half has been carrying on like this is absolutely heart-breaking.- he KNOWS what he's doing, it's not some kind of cult that has him brainwashed. He knows his behaviour is wrong and if he's anything like my ex he will twist it around so that it's your problem for not dealing with it and what's the big deal, you deserve better than to be lied to and so does your baby. I left. And although it was so hard, it was the best thing I did. He entered into a relationship with me purely to cover up what HE thought was a shameful secret. not a good feeling, being used like that. Not good enough from a grown man. I wish you all the best but I think you knwo deep down whether you can overcome this or not. I couldn't. And not so much the actual stuff he was into, but the lies and secrecy and making me doubt myself. The other thing is, nobody knows to this day why we split so don't worry about the local gossips, they'll find something else to talk about and you don't owe anyone any explanations. Best of luck. It does get better.

Liam Byrne

Can't for the life of me see how any straight guy would find pics like that fun, entertaining, sexy or a "turn-on".

OP - he's gay or bi; maybe in denial, but definitely one or the other.

Like most of the other posters have said, I suspect he is gay or bi. I don't really believe him when he says he did it for fun to "see how far they go". I think this could be proved if any of the sites he signed up to required payment. Although even if they were free, I'd still probably not believe it.

It's not really fair that he was signing up to those sites and everything during your marriage and when you were having the baby etc. It's hard to know for sure, he might be curious and find the idea of sex with a guy to be a turn on. I know I'm male and I've looked at some gay stuff online and while it might be a turn on to watch or think about, I've never actually done anything about it in real life and I don't think I ever would. Your husband might be the same, but regardless, I think his behaviour is kind of too much.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

It is not the victims job to support the con artist.

I think he's as much a victim in this as her. If we had a more open-minded society, then maybe he wouldn't have needed to live a lie for 5 years...

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

No you dont. Certainly not. Some things are dealbreakers. Concealing a material fact cuch as 'Im gay/bisexual' is one of those things.

you cannot seriously say that. You HAVE to weigh the good things against the bad things.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I certainly DO have enough to go on. All you need to know is he is gay/bisexual and he has concealed this from OP. On getting caught he has attempted to muddy the waters in a further show of dispicable greed.

I can fully understand why he did that. There is still a massive stigma attached to homosexuality of any sort. If you love someone and want to be with them, isn't it a bit too much to ask to reveal things about yourself that would definately drive them away?

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

This is not 'character weakness' -this is deliberately taking away his partners free will to choose whether she wants to be with him or not. With him for WHO HE REALLY IS.

The partner still had the free will and chose him. When you love someone, you love _all_ of them - including their inadequacies. You cannot say 'oh well, if he's bisexual I don't want him'. The 'cheating' is more of a problem, but once again, if he stops it I am sure it can all be happily resolved. People do make mistakes you know...

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

He didn't think about anything except HIMSELF you mean. So someone who doesn't know right from wrong and does nothing but think of themselves when there is a new baby in the house.......nothing but a useless drain, must be got rid of.

the same useless drain that the OP describes as a 'good boyfriend' of 5 years? Not so useless then, right? And he isn't just thinking about himself: I am sure he loves her and wants to preserve their relationship. If he didn't, he'd have gone long ago.

EDIT: in any case, I think this is a useless conversation, because we simply don't have enough info to go on. Only the OP can see the whole picture: how much she trusts what her bf says, how much she values their previous time together, how much she thinks he really loves her (as opposed to uses her for 'cover'), how likely she is to calm down after this and resume normal life, etc, etc.

Taltos

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think he's as much a victim in this as her. If we had a more open-minded society, then maybe he wouldn't have needed to live a lie for 5 years...

MooMoo1 - the OP is not looking for a judgement on society here.
She is desperately seeking help on how to deal with her feelings of betrayal.

Op - please do not get lost in all the discussions of right and wrong here. Social morees and acceptability.
All you can deal with is how you feel.
Whether he was looking & communicating with men/women is meaningless - the real issue here and I think we all know it is that your OH betrayed your trust.

You committed 100% to him and in turn you expected rightly the same in return. However you have been badly let down here.

The question for you now is can you continue in a relationship with your partner with the knowledge that for the last 5 years he has been UNFAITHFUL (all - I am not saying physically - but emotionally)...

Put all the sexuality question aside - that is blurring your vision here.
Focus instead on the fact that your partner has been emotionally getting off elsewhere instead of with you for the last 5 years.

If you think that is acceptable / or you can move on from that - then by all means get therapy and work on the relationship and the other question.
BUT
If you think that this "cheating" is unacceptable - I know I do. End it. Protect yourselft and find someone who will love you as much as you love them. Not all guys are gits - but in my opinion this guy is.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think he's as much a victim in this as her. If we had a more open-minded society, then maybe he wouldn't have needed to live a lie for 5 years..... I am sure he loves her and wants to preserve their relationship. If he didn't, he'd have gone long ago..

One minute he's living a lie because of society, the next minute he's staying with her because he loves her.... which is it? He can't both be living a lie and in love with his OH and their relationship.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

The partner still had the free will and chose him. When you love someone, you love _all_ of them - including their inadequacies. You cannot say 'oh well, if he's bisexual I don't want him'.

So if you fall for a secret serial killer, you can't change your mind? You cannot make a real free will decision unless you're faced with all the facts and not being deceived about as something as important as sexuality. Perhaps if she had known from the beginning she would still have chosen him, who knows. The problem is she didn't.

SarahSassy

Who cares if he is gay or not. It doesnt matter - he was emotionally cheating on her for 5 years and when she was in in hospital having his baby. Red card.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think he's as much a victim in this as her. If we had a more open-minded society, then maybe he wouldn't have needed to live a lie for 5 years...

:rolleyes: He is NOT a victim. Plenty of gay people have the courage to come out and dont resort to using someone else to cover their sexuality.
Not having an open minded society is not excuse for stealing 5 years of OP's life.

Two wrongs dont make a right!

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you cannot seriously say that. You HAVE to weigh the good things against the bad things.

Yes and I can and no I dont. Neither does OP. Most on this thread are calling a red card on Op's 'OH'

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I can fully understand why he did that. There is still a massive stigma attached to homosexuality of any sort. If you love someone and want to be with them, isn't it a bit too much to ask to reveal things about yourself that would definately drive them away?

Thats selfish self justification. As in 'Its ok for me to lie and engage someone in a relatinship under false pretences because the world is not easy for me, therefore that justifies me doing wrong to someone else'

Moomoo1 wrote: »

The partner still had the free will and chose him.

She had free will to choose who the THOUGHT he was not who he actually was. So he deceived her. So she did not actually have free will. Simple logic.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

When you love someone, you love _all_ of them - including their inadequacies.

IF YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM, if the person deliberately conceals something and then is discovered in this lie of ommission the wronged party has every right to declare the original contract a fraud and throw it out.

It is about full disclosure. You dont have the right to manipulate facts to trick someone into keeping you company in a lie at their expense. It is emotional fraud.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

You cannot say 'oh well, if he's bisexual I don't want him'. The 'cheating' is more of a problem, but once again, if he stops it I am sure it can all be happily resolved. People do make mistakes you know...

She absolutely CAN say that. SHE gets to decide if its a dealbreaker not us or not him.

People make mistakes? He has been making 'mistakes' over and over for 5 years and intends to continue. This shows OP is not his priority. Neither is his daughter. Maintaining the sham is his priority, he would prefer OP to be complicit in her own rip off. He wants her to co-operate in it and so do you......I say no OP. All this talk of love, what is it? Platonic love? Thats not good enough.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

the same useless drain that the OP describes as a 'good boyfriend' of 5 years? Not so useless then, right? And he isn't just thinking about himself: I am sure he loves her and wants to preserve their relationship. If he didn't, he'd have gone long ago.

She thought he was a good boyfriend, but he was lying to her and using her and intends to continue. This shows a worrying lack of conscience on his behalf.

Saucey-Susie

DEFFO!!! curious for a couple of weeks, maybe
curious for 5 years?? Yeah right!!
he wants everyone to think he is this perfect guy with the perfect relaitonship and the perfect little family and wont admit to who he really is

OP deserves so much better than this

Saucey-Susie

"If you love someone and want to be with them, isn't it a bit too much to ask to reveal things about yourself that would definately drive them away?"
I think the sexuality of your other half is definitely something that you should know, straight up (no pun intended)

nmesisca

.. nobody seems to acknowlege the fact that before 'pretending' with his wife, this guy is probably in denial with his own person.
just a thought, but hard as you might try, you dont fool nature for very long, and i bet this guy is not going through a very happy time in his life.
this is much more profound than that, and goes beyond their relationship.
just my 2cents.

nmesisca wrote: »

.. nobody seems to acknowlege the fact that before 'pretending' with his wife, this guy is probably in denial with his own person.
just a thought, but hard as you might try, you dont fool nature for very long, and i bet this guy is not going through a very happy time in his life.
this is much more profound than that, and goes beyond their relationship.
just my 2cents.

Im not sure what you are getting at......? Do you mean that his pain transcends hers and justifies the sham ?

Apologies if not, Im just not sure of your point.

Have already posted saying I've been through a similar situation. To be honest, I'm amazed that a few of you seem to think the feelings and difficulties of the OPs boyfriend are just as, if not more important than what she is going through. It is not the OPs problem that her boyfriend cannot/will not admit his sexuality. The fact is, irrespective of whatever struggles he is going through, he has deliberately used her to cover his "secret". He is engaging in behaviour that is not acceptable within the boundaries of a relationship. And to those sympathisers - don't tell me you would be able to accept this if it was your other half who behaved in this way - can you honestly say you would rationalise this and say that his lies and deceit could be excused? I think not. If you found pictures - of either sex, on your other half's phone etc etc? It is betrayal, lying and manipulation of the highest order and no amount of attempted justification on societal grounds will change that. Bottom line is, he CHOSE to engage in this behaviour and deceive his partner, she had no such luxury of choice.

Saucey-Susie wrote: »

"If you love someone and want to be with them, isn't it a bit too much to ask to reveal things about yourself that would definately drive them away?"
I think the sexuality of your other half is definitely something that you should know, straight up (no pun intended)

in a world without prejudice, yes. But in our world, I don't see why someone should admit to being bisexual when they think it may act adversely on his relationship. As long as he genuinly loves and feels attracted to the OP, why should he admit that he likes men also?

unreg wrote: »

And to those sympathisers - don't tell me you would be able to accept this if it was your other half who behaved in this way - can you honestly say you would rationalise this and say that his lies and deceit could be excused?

if I found my wife messaging and swapping pics with other women I'd probably just set her boundaries beyond which she cannot go (such as: messaging is ok but swapping numbers and pictures isn't) and leave it at that (this is what I suggested to the OP in my very first post). As long as her feelings towards me are genuine and she stays within those boundaries, all should be well.

I'd be somewhat upset about the deception, but it's something that I find understandable.

nmesisca

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Im not sure what you are getting at......? Do you mean that his pain transcends hers and justifies the sham ?

Apologies if not, Im just not sure of your point.

no im not saying that. but im saying BOTH of them are in pain. One directly, the other one indirectly.