Dear driver of Prison Service Transport Van 07 D 673**,
A few days ago, I was walking on the south quays. I was making my way from college to work in the freezing, driving snow with only my €18.99 Penneys jacket to defend me from the elements, when you passed me on the road. And by "passed me on the road", I mean "drove at ridiculously high speed through a large, but entirely avoidable, puddle and hydroplaned to an eventual stop just short of the patiently-waiting traffic at the lights immediately ahead of you."
In the process, you managed to dump approximately a crap ton of oily roadslush on me. This sucked considerably, most especially since I then had to wear my oily, slushy clothes for the next four hours. So comprehensively did you do this that you somehow managed to get oily roadslush down my back and
actually right into my pockets. The thing is though, as lame as it was to get splashed, it wouldn't have happened anyway if you had been driving with due care for the weather conditions and traffic circumstances. You were, in short, a jerk.
Now, I'm not a violent type, and I'm not inclined to raging insensibly at things beyond my control, so instead, my vengeance will take the form of a series of curses and ill-wishing. Nothing too extreme, but enough to make your days blow the way mine did.
I wish the following on you:
- May your significant other develop a weird smell that only you ever seem to notice.
- May you develop a harmless and short lived - but extremely gross-looking - facial growth. Something that wobbles.
- May you always be slightly incorrectly paid, but never enough to be sure without having to do the maths.
- May all your pets be ridiculously flatulent (inc. birds, fish.)
- May your hairdresser/ barber always give you his haircut, instead of what you actually asked for.
- May all the furniture you ever use make weird noises when you sit on it.
- May you always have slightly less toilet paper than you need.
- May you never remember the names of songs you like when they come up in conversation.
- May you always find half a bluebottle in your Mars bars.
- May you get small clumps of long, silky hair growing in weird places (eg. forehead, knuckles.)
- May your taxi drivers always be listening to Adrian Kennedy.
- May the person you're talking about always turn out to be just about near enough to have heard you, but not close enough to be completely sure.
- May cats always go to your roof to fight/sex it up/ die.
More when I think of them. I'm not done with you yet, jerk.
Regards,
Jill Valentine.
....I feel better now.
But I'd like some boardie suggestions, for further petty revenge cursing. I know you people are bitter and malevolent, and I'd like to harness that power for good. Suggestions should be non-violent, creative, and preferably a bit gross and embarrassing without any serious psychological implications.
