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Worst sexual experience

[Deleted User]

Just back from town & I really haven't laughed as hard at a story for some time.

So some guy is telling me of one night when he brought back some BIG minger back to his gaf on a random night. They were doing the initial fore play etc and he discovered that she had a little ''string'' coming out of her special area

. Seeing this for me anyway, I would be like....eh cya later especially with a randomer....... but not for this guy in question. So they did the whole lot. Sex, lickity lickity, BJ etc. An adventurous experience to say the very least.

Well at this stage we were just kind of sickened by this story until this....

He woke up the next morning to find brownish finger prints on his WHITE wall. From what he said there was about 20+ spiderman prints....some faded....some not so faded. So from what he can remember he went for a piss after the initial messing about and in the dark he spiderman'd it off the wall while leaving a very permanent mark on the ol wall....best part was... he still lived at home and his mum seen the stains on the wall the next morning. How possibly could you explain that? Honestly? ''Eh yeah I was finger painting while I was pissed?''.

I was in fukn tears laughing at that story. But it really has put me off my spiderman costume for the Boards beers.

So, what was your worst sexual experience? (yore ma jokes can **** off

)

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Acid_Violet

I heard from a friend of a friend about their friend (they gave me his name so I believe him) who on the same night he took his first ecstasy tablet went to shag a girl for the first time. He was only 18, she was some 25 year old Aussie, and her six month dry patch wasn't quenched by him as he couldn't get it up, due to the E. Most shattering single experience for him. Apparently she was screaming at him to fúck her and he just couldn't get it up. His first and last sexual experience I'd imagine, the poor thing.

Victor

"So, what was your worst sexual experience?" - when I was 6, I was kidnapped from school ...

portomar

Acid_Violet wrote: »

I heard from a friend of a friend about their friend (they gave me his name so I believe him) who on the same night he took his first ecstasy tablet went to shag a girl for the first time. He was only 18, she was some 25 year old Aussie, and her six month dry patch wasn't quenched by him as he couldn't get it up, due to the E. Most shattering single experience for him. Apparently she was screaming at him to fúck her and he just couldn't get it up. His first and last sexual experience I'd imagine, the poor thing.

ah yip mickies. sometimes it wont work, sometimes it goes into overdrive.poor fecker.

tony1kenobi

Acid_Violet wrote: »

I heard from a friend of a friend about their friend (they gave me his name so I believe him) who on the same night he took his first ecstasy tablet went to shag a girl for the first time. He was only 18, she was some 25 year old Aussie, and her six month dry patch wasn't quenched by him as he couldn't get it up, due to the E. Most shattering single experience for him. Apparently she was screaming at him to fúck her and he just couldn't get it up. His first and last sexual experience I'd imagine, the poor thing.

I think that's all sheilas.............

l3LoWnA

I've took part in a Banjo string incident...a long time ago.....poor guy (although, he didn't even realise until the next day and after round 2! :eek::rolleyes::eek: He had presumed the mess was my problem and it was FAR from it! I'm a lady!!) he must have been numb or something.....ended up in hospital!! :eek:

Here's another story....few of us went camping during the summer and as the weekend drew to a close we all started taking down our tents and packing away our stuff on the final morning, except my friend and her "new"ish boyfriend (still in the honeymoon period - they were still at the funny business in their tent, while we were all up and about, and very loudly at it too) :rolleyes: Each to their own.

Anyways, we could hear all the slurping and slapping and pounding and sucking and goings on of them as we busied ourselves packing up, when suddenly, all we heard was.....*cue lots and lots of wretching and vomit sounds* It turns out, as they relayed the story a few weeks later in the pub, that she was giving him a bj and he got a little over-excited (in her words "decided to f*ck my skull") and she vomitted EVERYWHERE. It hit the roof and all sides of the tent....and it was a nice tent, think they threw it out after!! They're still together......

homerun_homer

The first time I did it I was very worried about performance, how long I'd last etc. The situation was unexpected so more stress. So was on a date with a girl I knew, pints in the pub. I asked her back to sit and watch tv and it was being used so I asked should we go to my room. Naive me believes nothing more than kissing and stuff would go on.
Laying on my bed she rolls on top of me and starts grinding into me in the crotch region. A few more dry rubs of this and I was a gonner, and truth be told, I came in my pants.
I didn't let on and I delayed things a while so that it would work again in another few minutes. We get naked and I try for a bit of foreplay but she wanted to go all way first. Cue annoying and embarrassed attempts at opening the condom and then putting it on. Pure George Costanza stuff.
So I manage to last all of about 5 seconds before I cum pre-maturely and I got very embarrassed. We lay together hugging and kissing and I just wanted the ill feeling to leave. She was keen for me after that night and I got psyched that I will do better. Didn't get the chance because I sorta lost interest in her and slept with another friend to boost my sexual confidence.

homerun_homer

l3LoWnA wrote: »

Anyways, we could hear all the slurping and slapping and pounding and sucking and goings on of them as we busied ourselves packing up, when suddenly, all we heard was.....*cue lots and lots of wretching and vomit sounds* It turns out, as they relayed the story a few weeks later in the pub, that she was giving him a bj and he got a little over-excited (in her words "decided to f*ck my skull") and she vomitted EVERYWHERE. It hit the roof and all sides of the tent....and it was a nice tent, think they threw it out after!! They're still together......

"Sit down there kids and let me tell you the story about how mummy and dadddy met:eek:"

120_Minutes

i could tell you a story about a black metal festival in slovenia, a six foot swedish chick who looked like drago from rocky iv, and me.

to cut a long, funny story short, when i was getting changed the next morning it looked like she carved a map to sweden and her phone number into my back with her nails.

tony1kenobi

120_Minutes wrote: »

i could tell you a story about a black metal festival in slovenia, a six foot swedish chick who looked like drago from rocky iv, and me.

to cut a long, funny story short, when i was getting changed the next morning it looked like she carved a map to sweden and her phone number into my back with her nails.

At any point did you ask "why did Apollo have to die?"

120_Minutes

tony1kenobi wrote: »

At any point did you ask "why did Apollo have to die?"

yep, my reply was "cos mickey loves ya!"

Fiend-Foe

I don't wear underwear anymore, and never will again...

Myself and the GF were getting down to it and she was fondling me down there, still had my boxers on. She drops to her knees and trying to be all sexy, yanks the boxers off me.

But something was wrong, a strange sharp pain and tugging. Don't ask me how this possibly happened but somehow a thread from my boxers had gotten in and around and tangled into a knot to my banjo string (didn't break it thank god).

I couldn't break the thread beause it was so short, there was no scissors. What ensued was a very delicate operation with a nail clippers.

I just wanted to go to bed after that, totally killed the mood! Never wearing underwear again.

One less thing to worry about when doing the washing, works out just fine...

tony1kenobi

120_Minutes wrote: »

yep, my reply was "cos mickey loves ya!"

Well then you, sir, are a legend.......

Personally, my worst ever sexual experience was when I couldn't come.......I jerked off for a good 25 minutes till the lady cop informed me I'd been arrested for drink driving and they wanted a urine sample....

....before everyone gets on the drink drive thing......it turned out the lady cop was drunker than me, she was off duty. and we were in my living room........

....oh how we laughed.

minidazzler

Fiend-Foe wrote: »

I just wanted to go to bed after that, totally killed the mood! Never wearing underwear again.

One less thing to worry about when doing the washing, works out just fine...

*Waits for thread about Zipping up mickey!!*

Fiend-Foe

minidazzler wrote: »

*Waits for thread about Zipping up mickey!!*

Yeah, I've had a few close calls while drunk:eek:!

Just gotta be careful.

MrVestek

Well it was late one night when I was staying in a mate's place in Maynooth when a friend of mine came onto MSN...

tony1kenobi

Fiend-Foe wrote: »

Yeah, I've had a few close calls while drunk:eek:!

Just gotta be careful.

The easiest way to avoid this when drunk is to not put away your junk when you're done......who is gonna care?? You drunk anyways!!!and often it can lead to adult fun!!

Lockstep

Girl in a certain nationwide organisation we both belong to has a poop fetish.

Sex involves mutual urinating on face and defecating on chests.

Ste.phen

Achilles wrote: »

Well it was late one night when I was staying in a mate's place in Maynooth when a friend of mine came onto MSN...

Hee hee hee
Too soon?

AnonoBoy

Achilles wrote: »

Well it was late one night when I was staying in a mate's place in Maynooth when a friend of mine came onto MSN...

I feel bad for the guy but that post made me laugh my hole off!

anniehoo

Cionnfhaolaidh wrote: »

:eek: No, man, he got gee blob on his hand..

Im a girl and should be offended or somethin but that expression cracked me up!:D

My worst was sleeping with a guy i was seeing for a few months who was a narcolpetic. Nice guy and all but my god, the good old missionary postion was a no-go as due to the drugs he was on he would sweat like a *insert sweaty stereotype.
He would literally rain on top of me, id be soaked,bed soaked,half blinded and could only breath through my nose or drown!

Overflow

kickoutthejams wrote: »

Girl in a certain nationwide organisation we both belong to has a poop fetish.

Sex involves mutual urinating on face and defecating on chests.

Has she tried this out on you ?

StormWarrior

2 friends of mine were a couple, and lived with the girl's parents. One day while the parents were out, they had sex on the sofa in the living room. The man ejaculated all over the chair and left a big stain which they didn't clean off. Later that day the stain had dried, and the girl's parents came home. The mother saw the stain and asked, "What's that?" She thought it must be food or something, and started scratching at it, licking her finger to see what it was, and scratching and licking again but she couldn't work it out.

MrVestek

Igy wrote: »

Hee hee hee
Too soon?

Too soon? Not at all can well see the funny side of it now.

MrVestek

AnonoBoy wrote: »

I feel bad for the guy but that post made me laugh my hole off!

FYI that guy was me. And yes I'm very proud of my behaviour that night. Very proud :-D

minidazzler

kickoutthejams wrote: »

Girl in a certain nationwide organisation we both belong to has a poop fetish.

Sex involves mutual urinating on face and defecating on chests.

Please tell me this is a girl in an organisation we are in?

AnonoBoy

Achilles wrote: »

FYI that guy was me. And yes I'm very proud of my behaviour that night. Very proud :-D

I can't tell if people are being serious any more. So I'm gonna take it that it was you and doff my hat to you Sir for admitting it.

TerrorFirmer

AnonoBoy wrote: »

I can't tell if people are being serious any more. So I'm gonna take it that it was you and doff my hat to you Sir for admitting it.

...and then laugh heartily at his expense.

kraggy

BrightEyes wrote: »

An old schoolmate of mine was in Thailand backpacking. Got a prostitute and the condom ripped so he became HIV positive. Moral of the story; If you are a goose, do not drown yourself

I find that hard to believe.

jessbeth

Deleted User wrote: »

Just back from town & I really haven't laughed as hard at a story for some time.

So some guy is telling me of one night when he brought back some BIG minger back to his gaf on a random night. They were doing the initial fore play etc and he discovered that she had a little ''string'' coming out of her special area . Seeing this for me anyway, I would be like....eh cya later especially with a randomer....... but not for this guy in question. So they did the whole lot. Sex, lickity lickity, BJ etc. An adventurous experience to say the very least.

Well at this stage we were just kind of sickened by this story until this....

He woke up the next morning to find brownish finger prints on his WHITE wall. From what he said there was about 20+ spiderman prints....some faded....some not so faded. So from what he can remember he went for a piss after the initial messing about and in the dark he spiderman'd it off the wall while leaving a very permanent mark on the ol wall....best part was... he still lived at home and his mum seen the stains on the wall the next morning. How possibly could you explain that? Honestly? ''Eh yeah I was finger painting while I was pissed?''.

I was in fukn tears laughing at that story. But it really has put me off my spiderman costume for the Boards beers.

So, what was your worst sexual experience? (yore ma jokes can **** off )

No need to cook dinner now, in fact no need to ever eat again. Yuck.

Prof.Badass

wait... did no-one say "yore ma" ?