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Age difference. Help please!

05D

Hi There!
I am 24 going out with a guy who is 46. We will be together 2 yrs in sept. I am absolutely crazy in love with him and he's my best friend. But lately the age difference is starting to bother him. It doesn't bother me at all. I need to find a way to reassure him but I don't know how.

Any ideas?
:mad::(:mad:

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davyjose

05D wrote: »

Hi There!
I am 24 going out with a guy who is 46. We will be together 2 yrs in sept. I am absolutely crazy in love with him and he's my best friend. But lately the age difference is starting to bother him. It doesn't bother me at all. I need to find a way to reassure him but I don't know how.

Any ideas?
:mad::(:mad:

You can't reassure him TBH. It's like telling someone they're beautiful til you're blue in the face, if they don't believe it then they won't be told. It's all about self-esteem. He's not worried about what you think, he's worried about what others think.
I think you need to persuade him to talk about it with a professional, or it could cause issues.

05D

Thanks Davyjose.

I just don't know why its only starting to affect him now though. I know he has some other issues (financial) going on at the moment. I wonder could that be on his mind too. I just want to help him.:(

AARRRGH

I'd say the other issues are a factor too. He's probably feeling a bit low about himself, so him saying "I'm too old for you" is his way of saying he's not good enough...

Tell him you think he's absolutely deadly.

city girl

Plenty of other issues are going to arise due to this 22 year age gap - on both of your sides. What about when you are 34 and he is 56? 44 and 66? Don't overinvest.

05D

I do think he is deadly!! Thanks Aarrrgh.

Citygirl we know about the age difference, I'm comforatble with it and so was he up until last saturday!

I feel like I'm losing the best thing in my life.

Karen_*

Well what's he saying about it OP? Is he saying that you'll want a younger man or is he saying you're immature? Both guesses by the way but what exactly about it is bothering him?

05D

He hasn't said a whole lot to be honest. He just said he wants to be on his own for a while, but he told his sis its the age differnce. I know his head is all messed up at the moment. He just doesn't seem to want to talk to me. He wont even give me a reason which is unfair.

Uh Oh!

Maybe he's thinking longterm? That eventually its only fair that you will want to settle down but maybe he's already done that or has avoided it with good reason for long time? He could feel like he has a responsibility towards you that he doesn't feel he can match up to?
I know you're nuts about him now but maybe work out what you atually want yourself long term before getting into it?

Meantime give him the space he's asked for, even if thats hard.

Go-Go-Gadget

Play at his ego, keep complimenting him, hes thinking quite porly of himself, reassure him that his age has nothing to do with the happiness he brings you.

MIN2511

Leave him be for a while...

Let him do his own thinking himself, and if he thinks he can be in a commited relationship with you then he would come back. At this stage if you keep telling him how it isn't an issue for you he may think because you want the relationship to work you would try to convince/confuse him.

Human beings are complicated, i dunno why, men to me are simple! If its a problem for him then there is nothing you can do or say that would change his mind

05D

Thanks all,

Think I will have to leave him for a while, its just so hard the thoughts of going back to his and packing all my stuff. I'm broken hearted.

Do people ever get back together after splitting for a while?

Deadeyes

05D wrote: »

Citygirl we know about the age difference, I'm comforatble with it and so was he up until last saturday!

Did someone say something to him about the age difference? Perhaps deriding him or casting aspersions on you. When people see a significant age gap they tend to look to see who's working the angle.

05D

He was fine and in love with me on Fri then he went to work on Sat and told me then on Sat evening that he wanted to be on his own. I think his friend were on at him about being under the thumb and that.

Its horrible because when he is with me he is lovely to me but then when I go to work or leave him alone he just blanks me. Like I stayed with him on sunday we went out sunday night, woke up yesterday and everything was fine. He txt'd me at lunch asking me how I was? Then he blanked me then all evening cancelled my calls and everything. It's so frustrating.

Wibbs

Deadeyes wrote: »

Did someone say something to him about the age difference? Perhaps deriding him or casting aspersions on you. When people see a significant age gap they tend to look to see who's working the angle.

A strong possibility. Having been in relationships where there was an age gap(me being the older geezer, with a smaller age gap), I've seen that one. Some from women my age who came out with the "couldn't you handle a woman your own age" kinda thing, or men who had some jealousy issues looking back. That said it didn't impact on the relationship in this way.

05D wrote:

He was fine and in love with me on Fri then he went to work on Sat and told me then on Sat evening that he wanted to be on his own. I think his friend were on at him about being under the thumb and that.

That doesn't sit right with me for a few reasons. Unless you are overly controlling, that "under the thumb" stuff is more said for effect than anything else. In my experience a lot of guys like being "under the thumb". IE being around their girlfriend and creating a life with same, rather than going on the lash with their mates.

Its horrible because when he is with me he is lovely to me but then when I go to work or leave him alone he just blanks me. Like I stayed with him on sunday we went out sunday night, woke up yesterday and everything was fine. He txt'd me at lunch asking me how I was? Then he blanked me then all evening cancelled my calls and everything. It's so frustrating.

That sounds like there is more going on than the age gap. It sounds like he's distancing himself from you. Back to the under the thumb part. Are you overly possessive and clingy? Because his actions sound like someone reacting to something like that. I'm probably way off, just putting that out there.

I will say this, while I might understand that kind of attitude from a 20 yr old bloke I would be dubious about this vagueness and variability from a 40 odd yr old bloke.

Karen_*

05D wrote: »

Its horrible because when he is with me he is lovely to me but then when I go to work or leave him alone he just blanks me. Like I stayed with him on sunday we went out sunday night, woke up yesterday and everything was fine. He txt'd me at lunch asking me how I was? Then he blanked me then all evening cancelled my calls and everything. It's so frustrating.

It's mental abuse IMO! Ignoring someone is rude and cruel when you know they're upset.

OP you don't know exactly what his issue is with the age gap just that he has one. And until he deigns to speak to you you really won't know. But ask yourself, do you want to spend your life with a moody ignorant child?

I know you're crazy about him but the age gap is huge. What about if you want kids? You may very well be bringing them up alone and thats if he even wants them. You've an awful lot of young life left while he's middle aged and might want very different things to you in the near and far future. Thsi is your life OP, your one and only life. Be very sure that this man is who you want to spend it with. But don't spend it with someone who is leading you on guessing games.

05D

Thanks Wibbs.

I know! Thats why I like older bloke because there is less crap. I know he is under a lot of stress work wise and financially and he's not in a happy place at the moment. But these friends 40 odd single men who are just jealous and want their drinking buddy back.

I did get a bit possesive for a fews weeks and I have apologised for that but that was because of one of his friends was bringing him out for pints straight after work when I would be waiting for him in his house with his dinner on. I know thats was stupid and I have apologised big time for that.

Wish I could just get someone who uhnderstands to talk to him, instead of being influenced by dreggs.

Wibbs

05D wrote: »

I know! Thats why I like older bloke because there is less crap.

Not always. They just may learn to hide the crap better, or they get stuck in a rut and stop learning because they figure they "just know". I've seen that time and time again.

I know he is under a lot of stress work wise and financially and he's not in a happy place at the moment.

All the more reason to include you in future plans or even just have you around for comfort at a difficult time.

But these friends 40 odd single men who are just jealous and want their drinking buddy back.

Maybe, but it's him making his mind up, not them. Don't put too much blame on them.

I did get a bit possesive for a fews weeks and I have apologised for that but that was because of one of his friends was bringing him out for pints straight after work when I would be waiting for him in his house with his dinner on. I know thats was stupid and I have apologised big time for that.

It's not stupid really. If he had said he was meeting his mates after work and had let you know and then you went off at him, yes that would be a sticking point. If however he just buggered off without letting you know, then you had reason to be irritated. Good manners basically.

Wish I could just get someone who uhnderstands to talk to him, instead of being influenced by dreggs.

Well if he has heard you refer to his mates as dregs, mates he may have had for a very long time, then I could see why he would be backing off tbh

05D

His mates that he has known for a very long time I don't mind, they are the best people in the world. I wish he would drink with them. It's just a couple of begudgers who hate to see any one be happy. They spend all their time in the pub and my boyfriend is just looking for a way out.

He seems blocking out all the good influences in his life.

Do you think i should not ring him and leave him alone for a few days then call over and try and talk to him?

Wibbs

05D wrote: »

They spend all their time in the pub and my boyfriend is just looking for a way out.

Way out of what though? The financial problems or your relationship?

He seems blocking out all the good influences in his life.

Not so good if true. He needs to nip that in the bud soon. The thing is you can do nothing to help him, only he can do it for himself.

Do you think i should not ring him and leave him alone for a few days then call over and try and talk to him?

Don't ring him. Leave him be. I have learned that when people say they want space, give it to them. Giving them space lets them figure out what they want. If they want you they'll come back to you, if they don't well the space will prove that one too. Nothing and I mean nothing you can do will change that thought process. Actually pursuing him will have the opposite effect. Guaranteed. If it was me I wouldn't go over to him and talk either. Let him do the running. If he feels that fnances and other problems in his life are getting to him, they're getting to him because he feels he has no control over them. It's all about control over ones life. Without it people feel under pressure. You adding to that pressure will make things worse.

05D

Thanks Wibbs.

I know you're right its just so hard. Almost all my clothes are still in his though. I'll have to go back at some stage.

Life sure isn't easy!

tonyinuae

Perhaps it would be best to go over at a time when you know he won't be there, remove what you need and follow the advice given - let him be the one to call. He should feel the lack of your presence, then call. If he doesn't, there's nothing you can do.

Be brave, have faith, things have a way of happening for the best. At the very worst, you will be someone who has broken up with a guy and is still only 24. It hurts like hell for a while, then gradually you move on.

Life is unbelievably rich with posibilities. I know this, because I am in a relationship with someone 20 years younger than me, and I never expected to meet someone so utterly devoted and loving. None of my relationships to date could match that. And I am speaking from a lot of experience. Life has a a way of surprising us, but often in the nicest way. Young or old, never imagine that someone you have broken up with can never be replaced in terms of depth of emotion or the feeling of 'rightness'. Whole new worlds really do open up!

05D

When I met him, he was in the same boat as you.

He has been telling me I am the best thing in his life and he never thought he would meet anyone again up untill last week.

I just feel so sick and helpless. I would give him my right arm if he needed it.

05D

Right guys, after a night of ignoring me and cancelling me calls. He txt me today at 3pm - u ok ******* x

I didn't write back. Should i contact him or leave him stew?

Wibbs

Don't start playing games or being tactical about this. Few do it well enough and even if they do, it usually blows up in their faces. Plus he is older than you and unless he's been living under a rock will be better at emotional game playing anyway. If it was me, I would answer along the lines of "Not too bad. Hope you're well" No questions, no x or any of that stuff. If you push and he's in two minds he will run away.

Ask yourself truthfully why you want him back. If its mostly from fear of loss, then think more about it.

Also think why would you want someone who would walk away from you?

If you're answer is "because I love him", that sounds ok, but if you examine that one often it's what you want and need, not what may be better for him. Love would be concerned with both what you want in your life, but equally what is good for the person you love, even if it's not you. And if that person is walking away from you, then that's not good for the love and respect you should have for yourself. I know you worry about his life direction, but he is a big boy now, so that's not your responsibility. It wouldn't be your responsibility if you were together, so now that he may be leaving it defo isn't. Yes you should be there to support and nurture him, but you're not his mother.

05D

Thanks Wibbs,

You're good at this! I think I'll leave it till later to txt him back. If at all.

Mrs Cole

Age is only a number, Im 24, my husband is 38, were together 7 years, and have a 3 year old son. The age only becomes a problem if you let it.