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Child Item

Funny things aul ones say without thinking.

Run_to_da_hills

Me ma used to get "meals on wheels" delivered to the door up until quite recently. One day she came out with it, have the "wheely bin dinners" arrived yet??

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Michellenman

Read on overheardindublin a while ago of some aul one on the bus goin ''sound as a euro, sound as a euro''

Made me laugh anyway!

Quality

I get called my two sisters and my brothers name before she finally gets to mine....

For example

Karen, Daniel, Orla, Mary....

Urine
Farts

ntlbell

"i was talking to mary in the post office...no wait, i'm lieing i'm lieing!....it was sharon!"

jellie

Quality wrote: »

I get called my two sisters and my brothers name before she finally gets to mine....

For example

Karen, Daniel, Orla, Mary....

they must all do that.. although i usually get her sisters names thrown in too, & possibly some cousins

Sherifu

"Air in the hands motherstickers..."

Ninja_scrotum

Jaysus my granny is a legend for that sort of jibber-jabber.

First of all she has the dirtiest most foul mouth I've ever heard. In her house at dinnertime, my uncle and his wife were asleep in one of the spare rooms, so he was going to miss dinner. So I said it to my gran and she just said "fuckem fuckem fuckem fuckem fuckem fuckem" until it trailed out. She has no teeth which makes it even funnier.

She also says "ah that's a crap of shit". She must have heard the words "crock of shit" on tv and mistaken it ever since! "Hey nan, what do ya think of the lisbon treaty?" "Ah it's a crap of shit!"

Another time I was explaining about family trees and all the aunties and uncles and nephews etc etc... and she turns around to my mam (her own daughter...) and asks "so what are you? are you my niece?"

Another time, myself and my cousin stayed overnight, and when it was time to go to bed we went into the same room cos it had two beds. When she found out we were going to stay in the same room as eachother she started peltin' down the hall after us on her crutch shouting "YER NOT SHTAYIN' IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER!" and we ask her "why not nan? to which she replies: "COS YE'LL **** EACHOTHER!!!"

Her sister (my grand-aunt) called in one day for a cup of tae, and started giving out about schools. Just schools in general She told me that "education is the height of ignorance" and that church is all ya need.

Another time my aunt brought her black friend in for a cup o' tae, and my gran told her that she had a lovely tan. And she pure black.

I get called my two sisters and my brothers name before she finally gets to mine....

For example

Karen, Daniel, Orla, Mary....

My gran called me by her dogs name before, "trixie".

She'd be watchin' the news or listenin to the radio and whenever she hears a bit of bad news, she just says "oh fuck" or "shite". She'd be just sittin' on the armchair in the living room watching the six one news going "fuck, oh shit..... ah fuckit".

Hey run_to_da_hills, I used to deliver the meals on wheels, and them old folk were bat crazy. We made a fake mobile phone out of cardboard and drew the numbers on it - it looked really fake - and we brought it into an auld lads house and while we were ploppin the dinner onto his plate we whipped out the phone and told him there's somebody on the phone looking for him. He put the fake cardboard piece of crap up to his ear asking "hello? hello?".... so lousy but so funny!

Another crazy old guy on the meals on wheels run used to rant and rave about westlife. That's all he did, telling us about how they were complete ****ers **** every time we gave him dinner. He's just be standing there in the kitchen while we were putting the dinner onto the plate "fuckers, wankers, waste of space if ya ask me, gimme hendrix anyday and he'd bayt a shite out of them!" and he only had one tooth and it was MASSIVE and right in the front center of his mouth, like a baby.

Daftendirekt

Feckin' Greeks! They invented gayness!

GirlInterrupted

Ninja_scrotum wrote: »

Jaysus my granny is a legend for that sort of jibber-jabber.

First of all she has the dirtiest most foul mouth I've ever heard. In her house at dinnertime, my uncle and his wife were asleep in one of the spare rooms, so he was going to miss dinner. So I said it to my gran and she just said "fuckem fuckem fuckem fuckem fuckem fuckem" until it trailed out. She has no teeth which makes it even funnier.

She also says "ah that's a crap of shit". She must have heard the words "crock of shit" on tv and mistaken it ever since! "Hey nan, what do ya think of the lisbon treaty?" "Ah it's a crap of shit!"

Another time I was explaining about family trees and all the aunties and uncles and nephews etc etc... and she turns around to my mam (her own daughter...) and asks "so what are you? are you my niece?"

Another time, myself and my cousin stayed overnight, and when it was time to go to bed we went into the same room cos it had two beds. When she found out we were going to stay in the same room as eachother she started peltin' down the hall after us on her crutch shouting "YER NOT SHTAYIN' IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER!" and we ask her "why not nan? to which she replies: "COS YE'LL **** EACHOTHER!!!"

Her sister (my grand-aunt) called in one day for a cup of tae, and started giving out about schools. Just schools in general She told me that "education is the height of ignorance" and that church is all ya need.

Another time my aunt brought her black friend in for a cup o' tae, and my gran told her that she had a lovely tan. And she pure black.

My gran called me by her dogs name before, "trixie".

She'd be watchin' the news or listenin to the radio and whenever she hears a bit of bad news, she just says "oh fuck" or "shite". She'd be just sittin' on the armchair in the living room watching the six one news going "fuck, oh shit..... ah fuckit".

Hey run_to_da_hills, I used to deliver the meals on wheels, and them old folk were bat crazy. We made a fake mobile phone out of cardboard and drew the numbers on it - it looked really fake - and we brought it into an auld lads house and while we were ploppin the dinner onto his plate we whipped out the phone and told him there's somebody on the phone looking for him. He put the fake cardboard piece of crap up to his ear asking "hello? hello?".... so lousy but so funny!

Another crazy old guy on the meals on wheels run used to rant and rave about westlife. That's all he did, telling us about how they were complete ****ers **** every time we gave him dinner. He's just be standing there in the kitchen while we were putting the dinner onto the plate "fuckers, wankers, waste of space if ya ask me, gimme hendrix anyday and he'd bayt a shite out of them!" and he only had one tooth and it was MASSIVE and right in the front center of his mouth, like a baby.

Love it, she's brilliant.:)

Abi

Ninja_scrotum wrote: »

My gran called me by her dogs name before, "trixie"..

Try having 12 dogs called Lassie. Then she will sit there with a few drinks on board telling a tale about something Lassie did.

The mind fucking boggles.

OctoberFall

Quality wrote: »

I get called my two sisters and my brothers name before she finally gets to mine....

I'm exacctly the same. One time I even got the dog's name.

The Queen

My gran (god rest her soul) once observed that that "There are an awful lot of blacks around."

She was talking about cars.

Run_to_da_hills

My ma told my brother (Carpenter) to remove his "sawless drills" from the kitchen.

Abi

The Queen wrote: »

god rest her soul

With no disrespect to the Gran, they always say that ^ too

Then with a quick sign of the cross they FLAME someone to cinders.

Repeat offenders:

No,she didnt have an op, shes trying to quit smoking

Aint she got fat, gawd bless 'er

Quality

My dad was visiting my nanny one night, when she was still alive, God rest her soul.

Anyhow when he was leaving he said to her, I am off to see Michael Collins, (meaning the film).

she replied "Wont you tell him, I was asking for him".

Very sweet...

ninja, your nanny sounds great..

bronte

Why do they always call the remote control 'the zapper'?

Caught my dad singing along to a pussycat dolls song on the radio...

'Dontcha wish your girlfriend was nice like meeee'

Bless.

condra

I saw these 2 oul ones on the bus and one said to the other:

"Put bleedin keyboard on yer head"

AlmightyCushion

bronte wrote: »

Why do they always call the remote control 'the zapper'?

My dad calls it the buzzwhacker but then again he also calls everything else a buzzwhacker, keys, phone etc. Makes it impossible to know what he's talking about half the time.

bronte

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

My dad calls it the buzzwhacker but then again he also calls everything else a buzzwhacker, keys, phone etc. Makes it impossible to know what he's talking about half the time.

Feel your pain, recently taught the mother how to use the interweb.
Big mistake.
She signs up to every mailing list she finds and then gets excited to see if she has any emails.
Ends up with lots of spam.
Gave out to me yesterday because I wouldn't give her the pointer (mouse)

Also why is bono always pronounced bone-o??!

AlmightyCushion

Ah my mum downloads every stupid program and game there is. She must have about 6 toolbars on internet explorer. It's dericulous, there's more toolbars than web page.

Doctor DooM

I was once asked would I like a HIV voucher for Christmas, because I like my music.

condra

Do A Barell Roll!

flanum

overheard an old lad describing our trad sesh a while back as thus: "them on that guitars is fierce fast"!

I also remember my mates granny settin them orange plastic bands from bales of briquettes(before you could just rip them open) out on the pavement in front of her house as snares for "de gards"

same woman also said "if i ever catch one of youse smokin that pop, id shoot ye... sure id shoot meself"!

p.s ninjas granny should be adopted by boards, she sounds like great craic!

watna

When I was about 17 my granny asked me "was I courting". I laughed and said "Granny, no on says that any more, it's so old-fashioned. She looked at me for a second and then asked me was I shagging around. She then proceeded to laugh very loudly and my reaction!

ART6

When faced with a blunt knife, my old dad used to say "You could ride bare-arsed to America on that and not be hurt."

$Photo of DonkeyStyle \o/$ DonkeyStyle \o/

flanum wrote: »

p.s ninjas granny should be adopted by boards, she sounds like great craic!

She sounds like a total cock-blocker tbh :pac:

monkeyfudge

I heard what must be the best excuse to vote yes for the Lisbon treaty (Or Libon treaty as it seems to be known on AH) this week from an old lady.

She said she'd been on holiday to Lisbon and it was a lovely place and that they should be allowed into the EU.

i_love_toast

two old ladies walking through a cemetary....they see a rat running by and one goes to the other"jaysus mary i'd hate to be buried in here,you'd be eaten alive you would!!"