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Child Item

I need a lie

Peyton Manning

Right, I have some part time work tomorrow but, having done my calculations, it will cost me more to do this (through travel costs) than I will actually earn. Thats where you lot come in.

I need a lie to get off work. Im a horrible lier myself, so Ive recruited an equally dishonest fellow to do my dirty work. The original plan was to get him to ring and say I was in hospital after an accident, and although I was fine, I was being kept for observations and was therefor unavailable to work. But then theres the chance they would check with the hospital (would they?).

What lies can you lot offer up to me? I wont accept any 'just grow up and be a man and do the work/ring yourself' replies for I am not a man, I am a lazy c*nt.

Thank you boardsies, the floor is yours...

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Popinjay

Archimedes, if you don't want to do the job you can just tell me. I understand if it's costing you more money. I'll find someone else who lives a bit nearer or something. Don't worry about it. Incidentally, if this is the level of dishonesty you're displaying I won't be employing you ever again. You can pick up your p45 when you get a chance.

KingOfFairview

Turn up in the office with a huge bloodstain eminating from your arse and a cheerful demeanour

Xavi6

KingOfFairview wrote: »

Turn up in the office with a huge bloodstain eminating from your arse and a cheerful demeanour

Eh the point is it's not worth it for him to go to the office. Sure if he turns up as you say he may as well feckin work. At least read the OP.

JohnCleary

Popinjay wrote: »

Archimedes, if you don't want to do the job you can just tell me. I understand if it's costing you more money. I'll find someone else who lives a bit nearer or something. Don't worry about it. Incidentally, if this is the level of dishonesty you're displaying I won't be employing you ever again. You can pick up your p45 when you get a chance.

LOL imagine if the boss actually was reading this thread

TestTransmission

1.Family Issue
2.Personal Issue
3.If all else fails....diarrhoea

MarkR

Tell them your ovaries hurt.

biko

Ring them now and tell them you've been fired. Or try to fire them.

Randomswinger

Ring yourself and tell them someone popped a couple of viagra into your pint the night before and you can't rid of the stiffy for love nor money

Clink

Or tell then you've Necrotizing fasciitis

Just tell them that you've pulled something in your back whilst moving furniture around the house or that you ate something dodgy and can't make it in.

Spud83

The sh*ts is always a good one. Blame some dodgy meat or somethin.

Dragan

Ensure that no one in your place of work knows your boards user name.

faceman

Im with MBC and astrofool on this one. I was in a similar situation and explained to my employer at the time that it would cost me money to go to work so they gave me a travel allowance for those days. best tell them today though and not leave it till tomorrow.

Jigsaw

You could say that you slept in an awkward position and woke up with torsion of the testes and that you have had to go to hospital for a testicular massage to untwist your tubes.

Ross_Mahon

Scab a lift of someone to work, no travel cost then, or you could fake the flu

Drift

I've skipped through the thread so someone may have already suggested these:

Option 1: Tell them a dingo ate your baby and you're too distraught to work.

Option 2: Tell them you've been hit by a train and can't come in because it's very contageous.

Tigger

piles burst-blood everywhere

MCMLXXXIII

Dragan wrote: »

Ensure that no one in your place of work knows your boards user name.

Haha ^ + 1 !

But seriously though, just say that it will cost you more than you will make...who knows - maybe they will pay you more?

Girrrrseach

Drift wrote: »

Tell them you've been hit by a train and can't come in because it's very contageous.

Brilliant.

Nah, I would go for the truth, honest to God, I mean it costs more to get there then what you will be paid? If this is an ongoing thing, then its not viable... Tell the truth, it's not like its your fault, and as was already said, they may pay you more when you make them realise the situation.

Sherifu

You made thread of the day OP so they're gonna know you're full of shit anyway.

JohnCleary wrote: »

LOL imagine if the boss actually was reading this thread

More likely now.

Cheeky_gal

Meet the Pro. :cool:

"Many apologies but we had a power cut in the area last night and due to unforseen circumstances we were unable to contact the electrician man to hook us up with an allen key cuz (as you know yourself

) we have electric gates so we were unable to open them, hence, we were trapped behind "closed doors". The gates themselves are too high to jump so after many failed attempts to leave the premises I realised I would just have to have patience. Hopefully the electricity will be back tonight, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow."

Boa Sorte !

elegant_hobo

This is kinda my specialty, ive found over the years, cutting ur leg on a nail and needing to go to hospital to get a tetnus is the best one, course most places will accept 'i wont be in, im sick', tho the tetnus one is water tight but can only be used once really.
hospitals keep no real record of this, it has to be done immediatly and cuz its on ur leg ya dont have to explain where the cut is.
or 'a death in the family', but that raises suspiscion every time.

Sabrina411

easy...call your boss and do the whole..."my partner has left me"....cry alot and go into explicit details for hours...if they dont fire you by then...

Capt'n Midnight

Say you won't be in because you're sick.
If they ask for details just say you're sleeping with your mother.

sebastianlieken

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Meet the Pro. :cool:

"Many apologies but we had a power cut in the area last night and due to unforseen circumstances we were unable to contact the electrician man to hook us up with an allen key cuz (as you know yourself ) we have electric gates so we were unable to open them, hence, we were trapped behind "closed doors". The gates themselves are too high to jump so after many failed attempts to leave the premises I realised I would just have to have patience. Hopefully the electricity will be back tonight, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow."

Boa Sorte !

WAAAAY too detailed, much too see-through! Lies are generally much more detailed than the truth. ppl try to cover as many aspects as possible. the truth is generlly described in more "half-assed" terms"

elegant_hobo wrote: »

This is kinda my specialty, ive found over the years, cutting ur leg on a nail and needing to go to hospital to get a tetnus is the best one, course most places will accept 'i wont be in, im sick', tho the tetnus one is water tight but can only be used once really.
hospitals keep no real record of this, it has to be done immediatly and cuz its on ur leg ya dont have to explain where the cut is.
or 'a death in the family', but that raises suspiscion every time.

that would probably just cost more than actually going to work, not to mention the 4 hour wait in A&E

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Say you won't be in because you're sick.
If they ask for details just say you're sleeping with your mother.

ew:eek:

Overheal

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Meet the Pro. :cool:

"Many apologies but we had a power cut in the area last night and due to unforseen circumstances we were unable to contact the electrician man to hook us up with an allen key cuz (as you know yourself ) we have electric gates so we were unable to open them, hence, we were trapped behind "closed doors". The gates themselves are too high to jump so after many failed attempts to leave the premises I realised I would just have to have patience. Hopefully the electricity will be back tonight, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow."

Boa Sorte !

FAIL.

In the event of power loss electronic locks doors and gates are designed to unlock. If they do not unlock then they have their own Uninterruptable Power Supply unit: this is the case with many security doors for instance. My apartment building for example lost power a couple times last year; in all instances the main gate was free to open but all doors requiring a security key remained locked/secured/functional by their internal power supply.

StormWarrior

Say your pet monkey just died and you're too upset to come in today.

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

rb_ie wrote: »

Just tell them that you've pulled something in your back whilst moving furniture around the house or that you ate something dodgy and can't make it in.

this is a good one

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

elegant_hobo wrote: »

This is kinda my specialty, ive found over the years, cutting ur leg on a nail and needing to go to hospital to get a tetnus is the best one, course most places will accept 'i wont be in, im sick', tho the tetnus one is water tight but can only be used once really.
hospitals keep no real record of this, it has to be done immediatly and cuz its on ur leg ya dont have to explain where the cut is.
or 'a death in the family', but that raises suspiscion every time.

very good - i'm bookmarking this thread

KingOfFairview

Xavi6 wrote: »

Eh the point is it's not worth it for him to go to the office. Sure if he turns up as you say he may as well feckin work. At least read the OP.

Keep your hair on, it was hardly a serious suggestion