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Used over and over again

LegacyUser

I never sleep around, basically because guys usually just want sex and i'm not into this whole one night stand thing. But I always just get used...

Most recent case, I meet a guy, we start to like each other. We spend time together, have a laugh, he texts me all the time and after this is going on about a month I sleep with him and then...he backs off. I text him the odd time, and he texts me the odd time.

Obviously he just wanted one thing which he got. Im so sick and tired of this...

Sorry, I really needed to vent

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Mr. Incognito

I'm sorry, I don't see what the question is. I really hope this doesn't degenerate into a man bashing thread. If you want to sleep with someone who is interested in a long term relationship, try being in the long term relationship before you sleep with them.

Also, it might be a bit early to start writing him off just because he's been a bit distant lately.

Beruthiel

WhyMe?? wrote: »

Obviously he just wanted one thing which he got. Im so sick and tired of this...

Why did you sleep with him if you weren't interested in doing so?

Petey2006

OP, sorry to hear this keeps happening to you, but if you really don't want this to continue, you should probably be a bit more choosy about who you sleep with

the dee

Are you sure he's really no longer interested in you? Perhaps you're worried about him loosing interest so you push him to text you all the time and end up pushing him away? Maybe you're reading too much into his actions. Don't text or call him for a few days - let him come to you, don't chase him and see what happens.

If he doesn't get in contact then you can write him off as a jerk. If this keeps happening to you do you think you could be doing something you're not consciously aware of to sabotage your relationships? Expecting men to use you in this way can become a self-fulfilling prophesy...

helimachoptor

I find this behaviour odd, If a girl is willing to sleep with me why would any sane man back off???

Zombrex

WhyMe?? wrote: »

I never sleep around, basically because guys usually just want sex and i'm not into this whole one night stand thing. But I always just get used...

Most recent case, I meet a guy, we start to like each other. We spend time together, have a laugh, he texts me all the time and after this is going on about a month I sleep with him and then...he backs off. I text him the odd time, and he texts me the odd time.

Obviously he just wanted one thing which he got. Im so sick and tired of this...

Sorry, I really needed to vent

Try to get to know the person better before you sleep with them, you will get a better idea if they are interested in a proper relationship.

Text messaging isn't a very good way to get to know someone. If it was a month of text messaging, how many times did you actually meet up or hang out with each other in that month (ie both physically together in the same place)?

LegacyUser

Please I am not trying to be funny, but will go un-reg for this....

From a guys point of view I have done this several times. As in chased a girl, been interested in her then slept with her and it has literally ended the next day.

In all cases it was because the sex was terrible, or she had something up with her down below ie smelly, baggy, hairy.......... something out of the ordinary

Women are just as unlikely to call a guy back if the sex is bad, he's got a tiny d#@k, he smells or something weird is going on

Jack B. Badd

WhyMe?? wrote: »

I never sleep around, basically because guys usually just want sex and i'm not into this whole one night stand thing. But I always just get used...

Most recent case, I meet a guy, we start to like each other. We spend time together, have a laugh, he texts me all the time and after this is going on about a month I sleep with him and then...he backs off. I text him the odd time, and he texts me the odd time.

Obviously he just wanted one thing which he got. Im so sick and tired of this...

Sorry, I really needed to vent

Simple solution to a simple problem: keep your knees together.
If you find that you are repeatedly getting used for sex, as you put it, try removing sex from the equation. That way you won't give guys the opportunity to use you. Alternatively, try choosing your sexual partners with a bit more discretion.

hungryhippo

brutallyh0nest wrote: »

In all cases it was because the sex was terrible, or she had something up with her down below ie smelly, baggy, hairy.......... something out of the ordinary

Stay out of Coppers in future.

McGinty

Hi Op

I think some of the response have been a bit off hand and pretty unhelpful, I've been where you've been but I have since learned two things 1) I was using sex to get love and 2) I had a passive attitude towards sex.

If you are looking for love and giving sex in the hope of gaining love I am sorry but you are on a no win situation, you are not meeting a man as your equal but as a provider to give you love, affection etc. You need to start loving yourself and validating who you are, then a man will be chapping at the mouth to be with YOU, not just getting a ride because you are doing the trade game. I have done this for a long time, that is trading sex for love and it doesn't work.

Secondly - being passive about sex, do you have a strong sex drive but feel uncomfortable with it so look for a relationship as a safe outlet for 'acceptable sex' I throw this one out because again I did this and still struggle with it. Do you ever ask yourself 'I would like to have nice sex' or do you ever ask yourself what kind of sex you would like, etc. Not what they want but what you want, do you ever go out and get it, or do you passively wait for 'the man to come along' how much action and responsibility do you take for your love life? These are a lot of things to consider, but if you are tired of being used (as I was too) you need to look at the deeper issues behind them, it doesn't stop SOME immature men looking for sex and doing the whole head **** thing but by being more proactive, you can spot them out and not get suckered in. I wish you luck.

Liam Byrne

Can we replace "men" with "people" in the above posts, and then maybe it'll be more general advice to everyone.....what's there seems very sexist (although I know it is related to the OP's scenario)

Relationships should be about equality and mutual respect (since no-one's perfect, let's say should apply about 80 - 90% of the time).

Words like "control" or "used" have no place in a relationship - I've heard people use them and it sickens me; neither have "jealousy" or "paranoia".....also, people are different, with different histories and opinions and backgrounds and needs, and those can colour how they act; but if you're being made feel "used", then you shouldn't be together (and some would argue, shouldn't have gotten / slept together in the first place - one-night stands are great if both people want them, but if someone feels used afterwards then it's wrong)

So, ask yourself these questions:

1) Did you want/expect too much based on what the person told you / how they initially acted around you ?

2) Do you love yourself (along the lines of what McGinty posted) coz if you don't, you probably won't let anyone else either.....then they'll get frustrated and leave, leaving you as [in your eyes] the victim, even though they would've hung around [ might be projecting here, based on experience, and if so, sorry ]

3) Do you want "a relationship" per-se, or did you specifically want one with this guy ?

If you can answer those questions honestly, and you did nothing wrong, then you've nothing to worry about, apart from maybe improving your "headwrecker" radar, which is something we all have to learn, and re-learn, at times.

To me, there is an issue there, because of the line:

guys usually just want sex

That is incorrect. There are lots of genuine guys out there who want more. There are assholes too, and there are the ones who'll run with "just sex" when that seems OK.

But all of those apply to girls too.

So stop expecting the worst in relation to the guy; there's a chance that, after sex, you projected your opinion onto him [****, does he still like me after that] and that spooked him.

That's not a huge issue or me just being cruel and nasty; it's a possibility - one of millions; best advice probably is not to sleep with someone until you're fairly sure of what they want, and even then - for your own sake - don't expect that things could still go wrong further down the line....

And the best of luck !!!

randylonghorn

the dee wrote: »

If this keeps happening to you do you think you could be doing something you're not consciously aware of to sabotage your relationships? Expecting men to use you in this way can become a self-fulfilling prophesy...

I don't mean to be harsh, OP, but this was exactly the thought that came into my head as soon as I read your post.

helimachoptor wrote: »

I find this behaviour odd, If a girl is willing to sleep with me why would any sane man back off???

Exactly.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

That is incorrect. There are lots of genuine guys out there who want more. There are assholes too, and there are the ones who'll run with "just sex" when that seems OK.

All true, but tbh in this day and age I doubt if the ones who just want a quick jump and move on would bother hanging around for a month in the first place ... which I'm afraid brings me back to my original thought that in some way the OP is projecting her own anxiety about what will happen onto the relationship, and inadvertently precipitating the behaviour she expects and fears ...

dr.bollocko

Maybe he just wasnt that in to you? I wouldnt get worried about it. Life is not an endless cycle, and someone will come along soon to change your mind. Most guys are looking for relationships not convenient holes and I think that far from despairing, just chalk it up as an experience that you have learned from.

milod

OP, your post says more about you than perhaps you'd like to know - but to brutally honest with you, the quotes below say it all...

WhyMe?? wrote: »

basically because guys usually just want sex

Yes that is correct, Guys want sex, along with companionship, fun, and all the rest of that good stuff. Many girls want sex too. Get used to the fact that some people have a healthy attitude to sex and aren't afraid to admit they enjoy it.

WhyMe?? wrote: »

But I always just get used...

Why?, didn't you enjoy the sex? did you feel obliged?, how were you 'used' exactly? Did you lie there motionless in quiet sufferance? If you were 'used' you allowed it to happen - perhaps you're treating sex as some sort of commodity that you trade for intimacy?

WhyMe?? wrote: »

I text him the odd time, and he texts me the odd time.

Texting other than for the purposes of arrangements and simple communication is childish. Try speaking to the guy.

WhyMe?? wrote: »

Obviously he just wanted one thing which he got.

Why is that obvious? If you consider sexual enjoyment between two adults as a perpetrator/victim situation, you're not going to encourage any guy to hang around.

So try to get around the victim mentality, and try to find someone you like and may possibly enjoy sex with. Sex isn't something that guys do 'to' girls, it's something you do 'with' each other.

It's not a 'gift' or something you trade, or feel that can be 'stolen' from you - you either share and enjoy, or you don't - either way it's your choice.

[End of Reality Therapy]

Swampy

brutallyh0nest wrote: »

Please I am not trying to be funny, but will go un-reg for this....

From a guys point of view I have done this several times. As in chased a girl, been interested in her then slept with her and it has literally ended the next day.

In all cases it was because the sex was terrible, or she had something up with her down below ie smelly, baggy, hairy.......... something out of the ordinary

Women are just as unlikely to call a guy back if the sex is bad, he's got a tiny d#@k, he smells or something weird is going on

That's a possibility alright.

1408

Im sorry but the OP seems to just be frustrated at the time she wrote this.

I know that people seem to claim to be 'high and mighty' when it comes to sex (women seem to be more so than men) but from my experience and my opinion women are just as eager to have sex as men.

Its basic biology for you to want to have sex but a lot of women in my opinion say that they can be reserved and go without it or they dont need it. They certainly dont approach the male attitude of openly declaring they must have as much of it as possible. Women (again, in my opinion and experience) seem to say 'I dont need it and dont want it' on the outside and then inside they want just what biologically we all want.

I dont know how many women I have been interested in, and once they get what they want, they go and never come back.

And I will agree that women are just as unlikely to call a guy back. A friend of mine told me last week that she slept with her mate and that the sex was so terrible she couldnt call him again. She said she felt awful and that she had felt like she used him but there was no way she could even attempt a relationship with him because he'd been bad in bed!

AngryBadger

OP you seem to be assuming that sex = love. This is not the case.

If you meet a guy and he's genuinely interested in you then there isn't going to be a race to have sex. Granted he's not going to wait forever, but he's probably not going to be pressuring you within a month of meeting up.

To be perfectly honest you seem to think that if you have sex with a guy he owes you. And the assertion that "guys usually just want sex" is a bit of a sad statement really.

Yes, many guys (I'd probably even say most) will happily have sex whenever it's offered to them. This does not necessarily mean sex is all they want.

If you don't want to be "used" then don't sleep with guys, it's your choice, and you're not a victim here. If you are genuinely attracted to a guy and you want to be sure he's not just hanging about for the chance of some sex then don't sleep with him until that lingering doubt goes away.

This does not mean that you won't sleep with guys and suddenly see the relationship fizzle out, but there can be many reasons for that which may or may not be related to sex.

In short from my perspective you slept with this guy and you think he owes you. Or you think he shouldn't have slept with you if he wasn't interested in a relationship. This is complete BS. You're a grown-up (I presume) and you're reaponsible for yourself. It was as much your decision to sleep with him as it was his to sleep with you. If you sleep with a guy and he never calls that doesn't make him a scumbag or a user, however it does make you fairly self-involved if you assume he owes you just because you slept with him, and very naive if you think people will only sleep with someone they love.

If you value yourself so highly then don't sleep with guys you're not already in a relationship with.

Loopy

brutallyh0nest wrote: »

In all cases it was because the sex was terrible, or she had something up with her down below ie smelly, baggy, hairy.......... something out of the ordinary

Dude, where have u been all my life:eek:

Wagon

I don't want to come across as being a b@stard here but it's just you seem to be playing the victim card and probably not for the first time. It takes two people (sometimes there's more but that's not for everyone) to have sex and therefore it means that this is what you wanted. Sex. And you got it.

If you want more then just a one night stand, why not bloody say it? You don't HAVE to sleep with a bloke when you meet him. If you believe you do then you're just going to attract gob****es who go in for that sort of thing. It's not men that are all just after sex, someone correctly pointed out previously that it was women too. Why not try this, the next time you meet a bloke and your getting along nicely with him and he invites you back to his place, say your not into one night stands (and i know you said that in your OP but you must be giving some signals that you are up for it) but would like to go out with him again and see where things go? If he refuses or gets pissed off, you've filtered out another small minded twit and it won't cause you a problem. If he agrees and says okay, then you might just be onto something.

Talliesin

Wagon wrote: »

It takes two people (sometimes there's more but that's not for everyone) to have sex and therefore it means that this is what you wanted. Sex. And you got it.

Or, she didn't want to have sex but did so anyway. In which case the obvious question is why on earth would someone expect that to have positive results?

Marksie

It is also begging the question, if this is always happening, what is the Op doing about it.
It appears to be repeat pattern behaviour on her part.

Even perhaps there is some subtle change in behaviour post coitus as it were that is being picked up on

AARRRGH

I reckon after the guy had sex with you, he realised you are looking for a relationship and is backing off because -

1. He doesn't want a relationship
2. He is not in a position to be in a relationship at this stage (perhaps he is out of a recent break up)
3. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings

Unfortunately most men are not able to communicate their feelings directly, so they use other ways to express their emotions. This includes slowly backing off.

The fact that he is still communicating with you makes me think he's not a wanker, but perhaps is trying to prevent a relationship from forming.

If you want to find out for sure, ask him in a nice e-mail.