http://travel.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=313474How to score your ticket to the Mile High ClubThursday
By 'Dr' Troy Doane, Ninemsn Travel's lifestyle guru
Ever fancied taking out membership of one of the worlds' most popular clubs? Here's how:
While some airlines remain proudly Virgin, passengers on Singapore Airlines Airbus 380 are virtually guaranteed admission to the Mile High Club: what other airline offers not only a single's bar but, also "your own private bedroom in the sky". Officially (and unsurprisingly from the country where you get jail time for chewing gum), the beds are for sleeping. Violators of the policy, however, won't be pushed from the plane without a parachute, rather they will be "politely asked to desist".
Like all things good, this comes at a price: private suites for two from Sydney to Singapore return cost $19,655.80 to be exact. At that price, the airline should provide sex, not discourage it. At least the Dom Pérignon is free.
If you had hoped one day to join the Mile High Club, but now fear financial ruin in the process, here's a fact: most Mile High Club Members fly economy. Sure, you have to pay for your champagne, but think of the increased odds. Remember Titanic? It's a fact: third-class passengers always have more fun.
There is nothing spontaneous about joining the Mile High Club. I know, you thought you'd finally found the one outlet that would actually benefit from your lack of self-control, but you're mistaken. Joining takes careful planning and a fair bit of self-discipline, so take notes.
Pre-flight
We get started in the departure lounge. Sure, you've picked an overnight flight — the only flight guaranteed to have champagne and mood lighting on board — but how can you pin-point your targets like a heat-seeking missile?
First, survey the departure lounge. Do you spot any blonde people wearing dark suits and name badges? Exclude these, they are Mormons. Now, are there any Mediterraneans with name badges and dark suits? Go for gold: they are real estate agents.
Next, drop your bags next to your target. Three simple questions will accurately predict your chances of success:
1. "Have you stayed at the Versace Hotel?"
2. "Would you like to borrow my (tattered) copy of The Story of O?"
3. "Are you Brazilian or have you had one?"
Affirmative on two is practically a guarantee, all three and you still may fail, simply because you may not make it to the plane. If you've got a "yes" on one or none, that's why God put wheels on luggage — time to move along.
GettyLift-off:
If prior to boarding you've not identified a candidate and scored a seat re-assignment, don't lose heart. There's one sure bet on every flight: look for the person in the bulkhead seat, the one with the worn out partner and two screaming kids. These people will do almost anything just for a few seconds away from the colouring-in books…
Failing that, flirt with your seatmate. You'll do this by emphasising odd words in your sentences. For example, "My parents were missionaries, positioned in Guam." Or "She wants to know if you prefer the hot beef or the chicken breast?" Try this, and you'll soon be speaking mile-high-code like an insider.
A word of advice: Mile-highers call lift-off (that is from ground to one mile or 5280 feet) "the foreplay zone". Make sure things don't get too carried away during this time; I don't want you to get disqualified on a technicality. Better to wait until 30,000 feet or "cruising altitude".
Cruising altitude:
Okay, you've settled in next to "the one", made sure you didn't just ask for "big beef" while they ordered the vegetarian special. Still, there remains the critical issue of timing — just when to make your move?
The window of opportunity is just following dinner, as soon as they make the dim-the-lights announcement. At this moment, break out the sleeping pills. Then, in what will seem like a spontaneous gesture of kindness, hand them out like candy to all passengers within a two-meter radius of your seat. Don't forget to carry a placebo in case your seatmate also takes you up on the offer. Time roughly 20 minutes, then gently let your knee drift to meet your seatmate's. Wait for gentle return pressure, et voila!
Touchdown:
I would be remiss not to offer some cautions: in the throes of passion, don't accidentally push the "call flight attendant" button — you may as well phone security and ask them to bring a pair of handcuffs. And don't target a celebrity — we don't need a repeat of that Ralph Fiennes and what's-her-name debacle.
Finally, don't exchange contact details. The club secretary won't be in touch to organise a reunion.
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