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Beauty and the Beast

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I've recently fallen for a guy that I work with and I'm pretty sure he likes me too. When I initially saw him I didn't rate him very highly in the looks department but as I got to know him i discovered that he's a really cool guy and is hilarious. He has the whole office in stitches the entire time and that's a very attractive quality to me.
Anyway, not being big headed but I'm a former Miss Donegal and have been told i could get any guy I want - the guy I want is him. Trouble is, a gang of us went for drinks after work last Satyrday and a bunch of my friends joined us. When I pointed him out to my friends they were all shocked. They all kinda smirked and made remarks like 'You can do so much better', 'Why are you settling for a minger like him' and 'What the hell are you thinking!!'.
These comments really hurt because I like him so much but knowing that my friends find him horrible looking is bothering me.
I know alot of people are probably going to say that I shouldn't care what other people think and I should stop being so shallow but the fact is it's bothereing me. I came into work yesterday and he's no longer attractive to me because I keep picturing my friends laughing at my choice of guy.
Am I being ridiculous or can anyone see where I'm coming from?
Also, how can i block out what they said and like him again??
I'll hold my hands up and admit that I know i'm way out of his league and i'm concerned of the looks were gonna get walking down the street together. I know i shouldn't care what complete strangers think but it's putting me off him big time, poor guy.

Thanks

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Beruthiel

SoShallow wrote: »

I'm not really I just focus too much on appearances. I judge evrybody by the way they present themselves pyhsically.

You have no idea on what you are missing from life, in fact you are actually missing the whole point of it.

When meeting people, I judge them on how they are around me and others.
I've no interest in what they look like or what they do for a living. I'm interested in whither or not they can make me laugh or have something interesting to say, whither they have lived a life of adventure and interest and what insight they have gained from that.

Surrounding yourself with people like the above, who are full of life and what it has to offer them enriches your own life ten fold. It's what life is about imo.
As I've said before, beauty fades, but a wonderful, caring, loyal, sincere person will be the same when they are 60 as they are now.

At 29 it's time to look deep within and start changing your outlook. Pull yourself up if you catch yourself judging appearances and instead listen to what they have to say. It will take time to do that but the result will be life changing.

dudara

Beruthiel wrote: »

At 29 it's time to look deep within and start changing your outlook. Pull yourself up if you catch yourself judging appearances and instead listen to what they have to say. It will take time to do that but the result will be life changing.

Very well said.

Dragan

SoShallow? wrote: »

Am I being ridiculous or can anyone see where I'm coming from?Also, how can i block out what they said and like him again??
I'll hold my hands up and admit that I know i'm way out of his league and i'm concerned of the looks were gonna get walking down the street together. I know i shouldn't care what complete strangers think but it's putting me off him big time, poor guy.

Thanks

Hmmmmm , if you are so easily led then i would refute your statement that you can have any guy you want. It seems you can only have any guy your friends think you should have.

If you like the guy then go for it and ( as politely as i can say this ) **** your friends, they sound like a bunch of cabbages anyway.

I think maybe you might be just a little bit hung up on the whole looks thing, but if you feel it's going to be an issue then i suggest you just leave this dude alone.

He really doesn't need the interest from someone that shallow.

If it helps i don't think your shallow because your hung up on looks so much as i think your shallow for being led so easily by the opinions of others.

Girrrrseach

SoShallow? wrote: »

I'll hold my hands up and admit that I know i'm way out of his league and i'm concerned of the looks were gonna get walking down the street together.

Love, get over yourself. He deserves better than you, not the other way around.

dudara

Girrrrseach Take it easy. I've already banned one poster for failing to tone down their comments and post constructively.

dudara

Niamho!

i reckon its a piss-taker. has to be....nobody can be like that.....can they?

LadyE

Hopefully its a piss taker.

The poor bloke ever having met you!

Lets see if the "former Miss Donegal" comes back and hopefully she would have taken the prev posters excellent advice!

Blackpitts

LadyE wrote: »

Hopefully its a piss taker.

The poor bloke ever having met you!

Lets see if the "former Miss Donegal" comes back and hopefully she would have taken the prev posters excellent advice!

she already did (post #35 ) and confirmed that she got the point, don't worry.

LegacyUser

Well, I can't believe the reaction this problem has caused. I understand that basing my opinions of people on how they look is shallow and immature and ironically that actually makes me higly unattractive.
I think the majority of posters have been very hard on me so thanks to Dudara and anybody else who defended me. At least I was honest and said what half of you are probably thinking alot of the time.
Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

dudara

Niamho!, LadyE This is a final warning directed at you and all other posters. Please pay heed to the fact that we have asked posters to post constructively and not personally attack the OP. Read threads in full before replying.

dudara

FutureGuy

SoShallow? wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I've recently fallen for a guy that I work with and I'm pretty sure he likes me too. When I initially saw him I didn't rate him very highly in the looks department but as I got to know him i discovered that he's a really cool guy and is hilarious. He has the whole office in stitches the entire time and that's a very attractive quality to me.
Anyway, not being big headed but I'm a former Miss Donegal and have been told i could get any guy I want - the guy I want is him. Trouble is, a gang of us went for drinks after work last Satyrday and a bunch of my friends joined us. When I pointed him out to my friends they were all shocked. They all kinda smirked and made remarks like 'You can do so much better', 'Why are you settling for a minger like him' and 'What the hell are you thinking!!'.
These comments really hurt because I like him so much but knowing that my friends find him horrible looking is bothering me.
I know alot of people are probably going to say that I shouldn't care what other people think and I should stop being so shallow but the fact is it's bothereing me. I came into work yesterday and he's no longer attractive to me because I keep picturing my friends laughing at my choice of guy.
Am I being ridiculous or can anyone see where I'm coming from?
Also, how can i block out what they said and like him again??
I'll hold my hands up and admit that I know i'm way out of his league and i'm concerned of the looks were gonna get walking down the street together. I know i shouldn't care what complete strangers think but it's putting me off him big time, poor guy.

Thanks

Firstly, if your friends were really friends, they would see you really liked this guy and should encourage you to go out with him, not the opposite.

Secondly, regarding your comment in the latest post that other people would turn down unattractive people in the night club, this is a totally different kettle of fish. You know this guy, you have seen what type of person he is and you know that you have an attraction to him that is not some shallow infatuation.

My dear, no doubt you are very attractive, but it seems to me like you have two choices.

1) Follow your friends advice and go away with some 6"4' hunk that gets their "seal of approval".

2) Give the guy a chance...you never know how happy he could make you.

muppetkiller

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

This is not a relevant point to your original post. You stated that you liked the guy and subsequently disliked him based on your friends opinions of his looks. That's what everyone was complaining about (I think )

Blackpitts

SoShallow? wrote: »

Well, I can't believe the reaction this problem has caused. I understand that basing my opinions of people on how they look is shallow and immature and ironically that actually makes me higly unattractive.
I think the majority of posters have been very hard on me so thanks to Dudara and anybody else who defended me. At least I was honest and said what half of you are probably thinking alot of the time.
Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

I owe you the fact that you were 100% honest, however you have also written that your friends are jealous of your look and you want to make them jealous of everything, including your bf.
So, it's not really like dumping an ugly guy in a disco, that's much more.
You just said you are jealous when your friend is with a handsome guy, but people are not accessories, a good looking fella is not like a LV handbag.
But my point is: are you sure that this is the right attitude for you to be happy in your life? I'm sure you are realizing it is not.

Reku

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??

Actually I can as I've haven't the looks or a particularly approachable initial personality. For the most part I only ever aim to be friends unless I start to have feelings for the girl. As such there have been few who've asked me and only one I turned down, simply due to the fact that I'd feelings for another and TBH I felt it was just down to peer pressure that she asked due to the rest of the class for the course going on and on about what a cute couple we'd make.
I suppose in a way that raises the point of if your friends went on about some guy they thought you should date would you do so regardless of your own impressions of him? Peer pressure remains a powerful force for many throughout their lives so it's really up to you as to how much you want to let others run your life for you.

But anyway hopefully, regardless of why you initially ask him out, you'll manage to find someone you can feel at ease with and not care what others think of him, just that you love him.

Magic Pips

SoShallow? wrote: »

Well, I can't believe the reaction this problem has caused. I understand that basing my opinions of people on how they look is shallow and immature and ironically that actually makes me higly unattractive.
I think the majority of posters have been very hard on me so thanks to Dudara and anybody else who defended me. At least I was honest and said what half of you are probably thinking alot of the time.
Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

I think i'm not totally unlike the OP, we all need to be attracted to someone. Just the point the OP might be missing is being attracted to someone and someone being "beautiful" are two very different things. I'll fancy stereo-typically beautiful women, but then really properly fancy the girl next door, or the co-worker who is normal looking but does this thing with her nose, or is just so cool...

btw i dont consider myself good looking at all, 6/10 maybe, but i dont let that worry me - someone out there reckons im a 10! lol

dont mind what your friends think, ask him out and see what happens.

best of luck

sobriquet

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

As others have pointed out it's entirely not the same thing. As Blackpitts said, rejecting someone because you're not attracted to them (no one needs to be ugly to be unattractive) is not at all the same thing as treating someone as an expensive accessory you can use to inspire jealousy in your mates.

Your defensiveness is understandable - but there's some good advice and insight here, don't dismiss it out of hand because of the snarkier comments. (Including mine possibly, though no snark was intended.)

metaoblivia

SoShallow? wrote: »

Well, I can't believe the reaction this problem has caused. I understand that basing my opinions of people on how they look is shallow and immature and ironically that actually makes me higly unattractive.
I think the majority of posters have been very hard on me so thanks to Dudara and anybody else who defended me. At least I was honest and said what half of you are probably thinking alot of the time.
Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

Your comparison isn't valid. You posted because you started to see beyond on the surface of a coworker and started developing an attraction to him based on his personality. When you pointed him out to your friends, they laughed. You were attracted to this man, but you let your friends' opinions override your own - that's the issue. If I see a guy at a club and I'm not attracted to him, then that's my own decision. Even if my friends think he's the greatest thing ever, if I'm not attracted to him it doesn't matter. They don't influence my love life. From your posts, you seem to need the approval and jealously of others to feel good about yourself. You want a gorgeous man to hang off of your arm so that your friends will be jealous. To me, that comes across as very insecure, and since you put so much emphasis on looks, I wonder, do you feel as though you have anything else to offer in a relationship besides looks?

Dragan

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

You haven't rejected anyone because you thought they were ugly, you allowed your mind to be changed by your friends and there is a considerable difference there.

Obviously you were attracted to this dude for whatever reasons, listening to the opinions and judgements of your friends has swayed your train of thought.

There is nothing wrong with this guy that in your opinion wasn't a problem before, it's just your friends think it is so now you have allowed yourself to believe that.

That is what i would have issue with more than anything. Be your own person and do what you want to do....... real friends should just want to see you happy.

syklops

Is there anything wrong with wanting a really hot partner who your proud of though?
I'm always jealous when one of the girls has a hot guy on her arm and I suppose I wanna make them jealous of my guy. They are all envious of my looks so I want them to be envious of everything I have even my boyfriend.

No there is nothing wrong with wanting a hot partner. But as most people in loving relationships will tell you, the ideal is to have a partner who you are proud of what ever they look like. While my girlfriend will probably not win the Miss Krakow competition any time soon, I am proud of her and love her to bits. And Im never embarassed to have her on my arm when I go out, in fact Im usually proud to have her with me, because she is terrific.

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

Yes I can. I have rejected girls because they were unattractive to me. And I have rejected them because they were a b1tch. As many of the girls who I thought were unattractive, were considered very attractive by one of my friends. And some of the girls I have checked out made my friends cringe.

I have also rejected girls who looked down their nose at me because I was "Out of their league". No matter how hot they were that attitude is an instant turn off.

It is partly down to the way they look. Its partly down to their air of confidence, and it is also partly down to smell. If you dont believe me, check out the Robert Winston "Human Body" episode about sex, its a real eye opener.

Im A Hotmail

You're 29, good looking and SINGLE.. think about this next time you meet that guy and ask yourself, is what your friends think more important than being happy.

justsomebloke

SoShallow? wrote: »

I've recently fallen for a guy that I work........................I have been told i could get any guy I want - the guy I want is him

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

You are getting things mixed up here. When people reject people in a nightclub based on looks, that is all they are basing it on and you will reject them without ever getting to know them and it is THEM that is making the decision.

You, however, have already stated that this was the man YOU wanted, you had already gotten past the part were looks didn't matter however you then let other people determine if this was the person for you without you even giving it a go to see if he was right for you or not. There is a whole lot of difference between the 2 so don't try kid yourself that they are the same thing

l3LoWnA

Just go for it! Forget your so called friends opinions. Try and realise that envy and jealousy are NOT good feelings to try and bestow upon ANYBODY especially your friends. I feel deep down (if you're not a troll) you're trying to see the light....a bit?! But for gods sake, gear yourself up for the fact that this "ugly" but funny guy may not want anything to do with you......being told (by shallow friends and family or whoever) that you could have any man, doesn't mean that you actually can.....it's a thing people say to boost their friend's confidence. NOBODY can have their pick - absolutely nobody, regardless of looks or personality or anything!

I don't know how you could have a good relationship with this man though, with your attitude already being that you're WAY out of his league and he is not good looking etc....doesn't there have to be a mutual attraction there for a relationship to work?! For me, there does!

Do you fancy him? (not your friends, not the general public) When he makes YOU laugh, do YOU fancy him? Genuinely!? If the answer is yes, then ask him out but for gods sake lose the whole I'm-out-of-your-league attitude or you'll be approaching him like a do-gooder with a bowl of spaghetti to a starving orphan!!!! That won't go down too well!

Lothaar

Meh. If you did get with him, I expect he'll find you to be high-maintenance, shallow and annoying and he'll hate all your friends. It's just not meant to be. Forget about him and move on.

K_P

Oh my God woman, you're 29! How long do you plan on defining yourself as Miss Donegal? (Tell me, was it your sandwich-making or "lovely laugh" that won you that?) And wanting to make your friends jealous of you? Aren't people supposed to grow out of that by the time they're 15?

You're right of course that people turn down advances because the person isn't their type, or to put it more bluntly, they think they're ugly. But that's in pubs and clubs where all you have to go on is looks. You know this guy, you like him. Yet you're going to dismiss him simply because your friends (who by the sounds of things seem more interested in one-upmanship than actually being friends) don't think he's all that.

You've called the thread Beauty and the Beast. Which one is which exactly?

Ayla

I'll put in one more (slightly different) comment here -

OP - If you do get a date w/ this guy, and saying you even have a relationship with him, what happens when one day it slips that you started this thread? When somehow he finds out what your friends said about him and how you allowed those comments to change your attraction to him?

How do you imagine that will make him feel? When suddenly he finds out that you believe he's "out of his league" and that you've had to come to grips with having a comparitively ugly person on your arm?

How beautiful do you think he'll find you then? :rolleyes:

Ayla

And OP - regarding your rebuttal that we've all dismissed people we're not attracted to in pubs/clubs/etc. Well of course people do. As many posters have mentioned, it's natural to be attracted to some traits and not others, and of course we will select who we pursue based partially on whether we find them physically appealing.

But, again as others have said, that's completely different from what you've done. You already made up your mind that you liked him, regardless of his physical appearance, then you completely changed your tune when your "friends" made fun of him. Then you decided that, in fact, you are too good for him and would rather have someone you're "proud of on your arm". So that is what most posters are having problems with.

Lux23

OP- If you keep thinking that you must find everything about a man attractive to date him you will end up alone. Its as simple as that. People can argue that you are shallow etc etc but you are the only person your shallowness is really hurting.

KilbarrackBlows

I think you shold get your self a knife ok ?
ask your friends what they think of him again looks wise
then cut there faces up and then ask them to ask you what you think of there looks !

Spoony2

wow,

Every one seem's to be jumping on the band wagon of OMG your so harsh etc.

but no one has noticed two things she's openly admited that she base's a lot about attraction on looks

and she also know's how is bad, but having said all that she's showing she does have honesty now id personally count that as something....

Maybe you should look at this

1 your friends wont allways be around.
2 do you live your life bye what your friends say or what you want?
3 Do you want to be Happy?
4 do you have more to gain with some brad pitt look alike or with a mr bean look alike?
5 think about who you are as a person and do you like it ?

good luck......

SpAcEd OuT

Jesus don't see what the big problem here is

I would never EVER go out with a girl who wasn't up to my standards physically. I don't care if she is the funniest wittiest person ever, if I don't find her attractive there is no way I would ever consider it. I'm completely shallow and I'll admit that but I will say is this..

This guy sounds like a great guy and I now its a bit hypocritical coming from me but give him a chance, sounds like he deserves it. I'm 20 I have time to grow up at 29 you should be well on your way at your age you should be looking for so much more than just looks