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Child Item

Noone likes her!

LegacyUser

Right, my best friend 'dirk' and i have been best friends since we were 10 (im 23 now). We've done everything together as mates ranging from being in the same football team, going to gigs, drinking, hanging out, playing music - EVERYTHING!

4 or so years ago dirk met jenny. I've known jenny for a while, she was at a couple of parties i was at and she hung out in some places i did... She wasnt really a friend, just was just always... there.

Now, dirk wont say this, but Jen has a nack for not letting him do anything. Hes not allowed to go out to a pub without her, he has to ask her permission to hang out with me. When she goes out without him, she calls him at 4am, so he will get in his car and pick her up from town. When there is a party at dirks, most of the people in the party have left and its down to the tighter group of friends, jen sits on the sofa, huffs and puffs, then starts pretending to fall asleep, then tuts her face off till dirk notices her - to which when he asks her if she wants to go to bed, she insists he comes up and kicks everyone out.

Another occation which really got the brunt of me was when dirk was offered a fully paid holliday by a mutual friend of ours to which jen wouldnt let him go, simply because the place where we were going she wanted to keep as their place... (lets say new york).

Now, im not saying dirk is perfect. Hes done the dirt on her 3 times now. I know for a fact, dirk has never really had a serious GF before other than jen so i think that the reason he is staying with her is because he doesnt know any better.

What should i tell the chap? I really hate her, i mean, i hate her with a passion. She has ruined dirk, and is making him do stuff that he doesnt want to do. He cant hang out with his friends, when they go out its with her friends. Her friends dont even call her to go out, they call him. Noone likes her!

Would it be so bad if i advised him to break up with her? Theres never a good time to say it, and its not really any of my business (or is it?).

Its gone on too long now, and it needs to be sorted out.

shes such a bitch.

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hunnymonster

It's Dirk's call. He could be perfectly happy with her. If this was the case he shouldn't have done the dirt but wither way, it's not your decision unless he asks you to be involved.

secret_squirrel

Keep your mouth shut.

If you are a true friend just button it until you're called upon to go around an pick up the pieces when the relationship has run its course.

Consider telling him how you feel about her if he starts mentioning marriage.

Thrill

If dirk really likes this girl and you go telling him you think shes a bitch then your friend could turn against you. I have always heard that it is best to keep your nose out of other peoples relationships unless asked, and even then you have to be careful.

monkey tennis

Are you his mother?

If not, then accept that he's an adult and is with this girl out of his own choice. You say she doesn't 'let' him do anything - how does she stop him? Does she physically chain him to the radiator? If not, then again, it's his own choice.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Does she know he's been having it on the side, too? If not, I'd question the happiness. If so, you can understand her not wanting to let him out of her sight.

Have a quiet word with the friend: is he happy? what is he looking for (my money's on security - especailly if he;s been caught)? Is this girl providing it for him? If so, you can't really do anything but step back.

spinandscribble

some ppl like being controlled. maybe dirks one of them. i know its crazy but some ppl are like this. the best you can do is the next time she acts like a bitch ask him how it makes him feel and does it bother him. if it does suggest he deal with it. dont go at him outa nowhere to blast him about his gf

Catari Jaguar

Anonymously let her know he cheated on her. She might dump Dirk. Then he'd be free to play with his friends. Problem solved. Only if youreally want to do that tho...

Thrill

Lil Kitten wrote:

Anonymously let her know he cheated on her. She might dump Dirk. Then he'd be free to play with his friends. Problem solved. Only if youreally want to do that tho...

Id think carefully before stooping this low. It could still get back to him that you started this rumor. Then you'd have an enemy instead of a friend.

I was just wondering if you were just a little bit jealous of the amount of time he spends with her that he used to spend with you. After all, you've been friends for over half your life and it cant be easy coming second fiddle to his gf.
Even if he does break it off with this girl, he will eventually end up with another and the result will be the same, he'll spend more time with her than you.

LundiMardi

Lil Kitten wrote:

Anonymously let her know he cheated on her. She might dump Dirk. Then he'd be free to play with his friends. Problem solved. Only if youreally want to do that tho...

jesus.... i've never noticed you on boards until today, where i came across a few of your posts on this forum. This sums them all up.

Catari Jaguar

It was partly sarky. thought i'd get given out to for being unhelpful n cheeky tbh! He is cheating on her, and she should know though. Sums me up eh? Ok. Thanks

Catari Jaguar

thrill wrote:

Id think carefully before stooping this low. It could still get back to him that you started this rumor. Then you'd have an enemy instead of a friend.

Eh... It's not a rumour

Thrill

Lil Kitten wrote:

Eh... It's not a rumour

Thats right. He did cheat on her, which makes him a rat, but i still think your suggestion is a pretty vile and low way to go about solving the OP'S problem.
He's the one looking for advice and imo he should let his friend live his life the way he wants to and get on with his own.
It just seems to me that their days of hanging out together are coming to an end, that Dirk is more interested in spending more time with his gf than hanging around with the lad's.

Catari Jaguar

URRGGHHH! wrote:

I really hate her, i mean, i hate her with a passion. She has ruined dirk, and is making him do stuff that he doesnt want to do. He cant hang out with his friends, when they go out its with her friends. Her friends dont even call her to go out, they call him. Noone likes her!

Would it be so bad if i advised him to break up with her? Theres never a good time to say it, and its not really any of my business (or is it?).

Its gone on too long now, and it needs to be sorted out.

shes such a bitch.

OP wants her out... doesn't seem to mind how. It was a comment made in jest really cos i think he's being a bit childish. but if he's the type to do that I won't judge.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Diver79

OK Chap, here my two cents.

I was in a relationship once where my ex tried to control everything I did, from who I was friends with to where I could go. It used to drive me crazy, eventually I gave in because I thought I was in love and didnt have the energy for the arguements.

She took a real disliking to my best friend who told me to dump her. He told me some home truths about her, and foolishly some lies. I ended up siding with my ex and alienating my friends.

Eventually I got shot of her, which is probably what your mate will do too. Dont intervene on this one. Let him know you think he is under the thumb but dont tell him to dump her. Last thing you want is a 'them against us' situation.

LegacyUser

'Every time they have an arguement im there for him - i never let on that i hate jen, but i do say 'thats not on, you shouldnt settle for that'.

secret_squirrel - In a long winded conversation about relationships he said 'jens the best, id definitly marry her'. Which really got me worried and that was over a year ago.

monkey tennis - chaining him to the radiator... you never know what goes on behind closed doors, i wouldnt put it past her. As far as me being his mother goes, im not far off. Hes my best friend and im always there for him, i drop anything to be there to help him out and he knows this. My gf even understands that if he has a problem and we are together that im going to his house to help him out. That wouldnt be the case if the roles were switched as she would go nuts. A gf doesnt control you, only guids you in the right direction, not the direction that suits them. GF's should be understanding, not ignorant.

Ikky Poo2 - how and when?

spinandscribble - honestly, when theres an arguement i cant say i've ever asked him how he felt about it... I mean, im there, he tells me the details, and we talk about it, but i've never been that direct. Ill try that - or should i? And yea, i dont think he likes being controlled, i think hes just scared of losing a GF and not getting that close to someone again.

Lil Kitten - she deserves everything she got. Im sorry if you have had that experience, but shes no good and these 'mishaps' should be signs to her to say 'dump him'. The way i see it is that hes to scared to break up with her, so hes giving her reasons to break it off. if it were the other way around he would accept it. Shes too dependant on him, and would have no life without him.

Diver79 - true.

The bottom line is, i cant really see anything i say to him coming between us as friends. I know whole heartly that he values my friendship as much as i do his.'

Sony

Its not your call mate, you really just have to accept whats going on...whatever way you look at it theres no way you can tell your mate his girlfriends a bitch without jeaopradising your friendship-dont underestimate how strongly he feels about her,shes now one of his best friends too.

His g/f clearly sounds like a wagon like you said but I suppose you can only wait until something happens between them and he asks your advice

dudara

To put it succintly, this is really none of your business. You don't see both sides of the story and you don't truly know what's going on in their relationship. This girl might feel neglected by the amount of time that he spends with his friends and this is her way of dealing with it. We simply don't know and therefore shouldn't judge.

Be supportive of your friend, but don't go sticking your oar in where it might not be wanted.

nobodythere

As above but I'd also like to add that as she pulls this crap you should let it be known...

Kold

If it were me, I'd wait til we were smoking or drinking, having an intimate chat with him, one on one. Ask him is he happy with how he's living, ask him if he thinks she's the one. Listen to him and be honest but you need to admit that you don't know her that well. You don't see what he sees in her and then he should be able to tell you what he sees in her. Respect his wishes, you have no right to try and tear them apart, but he should respect you for being so concerned.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

[QUOTE=URRGGHHHH!
Ikky Poo2 - how and when?

[/QUOTE]

Any time neither of you have been drinking, get him out of earshot of gf (not nessecarily out of sight) and say something along the lines of:

"Listen, I'm just wondering if everything's ok between you and x? Maybe I could be wrong, but you don't seem all that cool with her [insert present day lingo as required] and you're not as much craic as you used to be... you missed x event and whatever. You sure you're happy?"

Whatever he says, accept it and tell him that, no matter how it pans out, you'll always be his mate and you're just looking out for him.

Hope that helps,

Ip.

edit - I think you should also make it clear that you're acting out of concern for your mate and not hatred for his girlfriend,.

LegacyUser

'i understand its not my position to tell him anything about his relationship and i give my 2 cents when its asked!

'This girl might feel neglected by the amount of time that he spends with his friends and this is her way of dealing with it. We simply don't know and therefore shouldn't judge.'

The chap gets about 5 hours a week(an evening) to hang out with his friends, and thats because shes in work!

grasshopa - i do let it be known, and dirk says 'yea i know' to every point i put across.

They fight all the time over everything and anything and its been like this for 2 years now. hes not happy, but i cant tell him that.

Kold - we smoke every time we hang out, and theres too much to talk about other than his relationship, i only get 5 hours a week with him, and i try to keep it upbeat so he knows theres always stuff to do when shes not around. I would take the conversation down that road, but its a hard road to get on.

Ikky Poo2 - good idea, but i wouldnt be 'acting' the concern. It really does worry me that he will end up with such a sponge. (she is a sponge).'

abetarrush

Guys need to be around their mates a lot, and most girlfriends are always just so selfish, and tell their bf what to do

I do what I want to do, and if a woman ever attempted to TELL me what to do I'd show her the door

Hes not her son, he's a grown man. She's treatin him like a kid and she shouldnt be

So, go ahead I say, talk to him! But dont jus say SHES A BICTH! Just ask him is he happy that he doesnt see as much as his mates as he used to / would like to

Everyones tellin you to mind your own business. If ur a good mate, you should be lookin out for him, i bet ye anything hes not 100% happy

greenkittie

The way she treats him sounds like the way my ex treated me. I know now all my friends could see it but i couldn't and i really really wish one of them had said something to me.

Kold

Surely you've told him to put the foot down? I mean, I don't get to see that much of my mates these days due to long college and work hours and a long term girlfriend but she understands that at least one day a week, I need to be away from her and out with my best mates. Tell him that you are his mate for life but he really needs to make the effort on his part.

She should understand this is he makes it crystal clear to her that it's what he needs. If she doesn't, then you're right, she's an absolute trollop and you should let him know -maybe thoughtfully worded- that he's turned into her bitch.

Ickle Magoo

A controlling partner can only control if they are allowed to. If 'Dirk' wasn't happy with the present arrangement then he could quite easily refuse to go along with any of the things you've said. She can't make him do anything - and that includes staying with her - he does it all off his own back. He has the choice to spend more time with his gf being controlled & not seeing you, or dumping her & spending all the time he wants with you - he has chosen to stay with her & spend less time with you, maybe you just need to accept that. I don't think you can do any more than you are already. He obviously isn't ready to end the relationship or change the axis of power...nothing else you, as an outsider to their relationship, can do but be there for your friend when/if it all goes pear-shaped...:(

greenkittie

Ickle Magoo wrote:

A controlling partner can only control if they are allowed to. If 'Dirk' wasn't happy with the present arrangement then he could quite easily refuse to go along with any of the things you've said. She can't make him do anything - and that includes staying with her - he does it all off his own back.

This is true to a certain extent, but once you get into a controled situation breaking free and saying no is actually a very difficult thing to do. Shes been controling him for so many years now that it would be extreamly hard for him to break the pattern without some kind of catalyst...

Ickle Magoo

greenkittie wrote:

This is true to a certain extent, but once you get into a controled situation breaking free and saying no is actually a very difficult thing to do. Shes been controling him for so many years now that it would be extreamly hard for him to break the pattern without some kind of catalyst...

I know what you mean but I think if "Dirk" thinks things are as bad as the OP suggests, and the OP has said he agrees with most of the issues then I can't see why "Dirk" wouldn't end things - unless he likes them that way or doesn't actually find it as bad as his friend does...4 years of gf/bf is not really that long tbh....after 15yrs of marriage & 4 kids later I could understand that walking may be hard.

If "Jenny" is making him do things he doesn't want to do & "Dirk" is utterly miserable then he has a very simple choice...that was my point.

[Deleted User]

It's his relationship, not yours. If you are his friend, you won't interfere. He could move on, if he wanted to. And he just may, given his record. You claim he cheated on her 3 times (and those are the ones you know about). Doesn't look like there's much of a future, so chill out, be a patient friend, and think in the long term?

Kell

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

If you are his friend, you won't interfere.

Some friend you are. Jeebus.

Having been through disasters in the past, I now listen to friends opinions. Saves a lot of time and hassle fúcking around with someone who is a pain in the rear.

K-