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Paying for Wedding Guests

kizzyr

I'm not getting married but have a question to ask all of you who are and I'd appreciate your point of view on this if you don't mind, it may get a little complicated so sorry in advance for that.
My sister's sister in law got engaged recently and there were congratulations all around as you would expect. The wedding is going to be immediate family only and will be taking place in Florence in May 07. The bride and groom are insistant that everybody goes but aren't paying for anything for anyone. My sister and her husband have just had their 3rd baby who will only be 9 months old at the time of the wedding and their other children will be 3 and 5 years old at the time so they have a lot of flights to book. The bride has also insisted that everyone stay in the same hotel as her but it is a very expensive hotel. Her other brother is only out of university about 18 months so isn't exactly loaded either.
My view on this is that if you decide to go away to get married and insist on certain people coming along then you have to pay for their flights and maybe 2 nights accomodation, all the more so when you think that this couple are quite well off. Am I wrong in thinking this?

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tbh

kizzyr wrote:

I'm not getting married but have a question to ask all of you who are and I'd appreciate your point of view on this if you don't mind, it may get a little complicated so sorry in advance for that.
My sister's sister in law got engaged recently and there were congratulations all around as you would expect. The wedding is going to be immediate family only and will be taking place in Florence in May 07. The bride and groom are insistant that everybody goes but aren't paying for anything for anyone. My sister and her husband have just had their 3rd baby who will only be 9 months old at the time of the wedding and their other children will be 3 and 5 years old at the time so they have a lot of flights to book. The bride has also insisted that everyone stay in the same hotel as her but it is a very expensive hotel. Her other brother is only out of university about 18 months so isn't exactly loaded either.
My view on this is that if you decide to go away to get married and insist on certain people coming along then you have to pay for their flights and maybe 2 nights accomodation, all the more so when you think that this couple are quite well off. Am I wrong in thinking this?

no I'd agree with you anyway. IMO, the options should be:

"We'd love to see you there, but understand if you can't make it, We'll be having a big party in Dublin soon after, so if you can't make the wedding, we'd love to see you there instead."

OR

The B&G contribute towards the flights, and pay for 2 nights accom. for the wedding party (best man, bridesmaids etc).

thats what my mates did, and it was appreciated by everyone.

just my 2c

daymobrew

I've never heard of a B&G paying for guests flights/accommodation (though tbh has - can you imagine the cost!).
OP, the insistence that people stay at a particular expensive hotel is a bit out of order.

I'm curious, if you feel that the Florence accommodation should be paid for, should the same apply for out of town weddings e.g. one on the other side of our country?

These international weddings are a tough call because it puts a lot of financial pressure on guests.

tbh

I'll be upfront - the wedding I'm talking about is the only foreign one I've ever been to, so I'm not saying it's the norm or anything, but the gesture was appreciated. The B&G were of the opinion that they wanted us there for their big day, it was their choice to have it abroad and so they felt it was only right they should offer to help pay.

kizzyr

daymobrew wrote:

I've never heard of a B&G paying for guests flights/accommodation (though tbh has - can you imagine the cost!).
OP, the insistence that people stay at a particular expensive hotel is a bit out of order.

I'm curious, if you feel that the Florence accommodation should be paid for, should the same apply for out of town weddings e.g. one on the other side of our country?

These international weddings are a tough call because it puts a lot of financial pressure on guests.

The way I look at it is if the B&G were getting married in Ireland it would cost them a whole lot more than getting people to go to Florence and just put up the money for dinner for the guests. They are opting to go away to get married which is their choice but my problem comes from the instance that people not only go but stay in a particular place and then pay for it all themselves. If they were getting married lets say in Donegal (they live in Dublin) then no I don't think they should pay for their guests accomodation BUT it wouldn't be putting the same financial pressure on a family of 5 as a foreign wedding will.
I just know that any time myself and my boyfriend have discussed how we would arrange our we have both said a) Italy or possibly Spain for sure b) there are certain people we both really want to be there i.e our immediate families and would pay for them as I outlined above and c) anyone else who wanted to come would be more than welcome but it was at their own expense and we would more than understand if they wouldn't / couldn't and that we'd see them when we got back.
Comparing the price of that scenario to the usual 150 of your friends & family in Ireland and all the stuff that goes along with weddings here it would still be less expensive and you get a wedding with the people that really matter to you there.
One thing that is also bugging me about this particular situation is that the B&G have said that they don't want any wedding presents they would prefer that people gave the money to charity. This is fair enough but people are going around praising them for being so wonderfuly altruistic and generous but they won't see that the brides brother and his family aren't really in a situation to be able to finance all of this trip and are happy to ignore it.

blue banana

kizzyr wrote:

The bride and groom are insistant that everybody goes but aren't paying for anything for anyone. My sister and her husband have just had their 3rd baby who will only be 9 months old at the time of the wedding and their other children will be 3 and 5 years old at the time so they have a lot of flights to book. The bride has also insisted that everyone stay in the same hotel as her but it is a very expensive hotel.

Is it absolutely neccesary that the children go? Could they get someone one to mind the children for 2/3 nights?

A friend of mine is in a similar situation (minus the kids) She is going to Rome next month for her brothers wedding. Like your situation he was insistant that the guests stay in the same expensive hotel. If your siter and brother-in-law shop around online they may find a much better deal with the same hotel, than dealing directly with them or through an agent.

cee_jay

I don't think its fair that the bride is insisting that everyone stay in the same hotel.
My cousin is getting married in Spain next year, and they have a wedding package deal at the hotel where it is taking place so we are getting the rooms much cheaper than normal (it is a 5 star hotel though so is still pretty expensive). But they did send information on alternative accomodation to all invited guests.
I really don't think the bride and groom should pay for all the guests though - apart from the wedding party.
I think the norm is that they have a party when they get back to Ireland for people who couldn't make it for whatever reason

kizzyr

blue banana wrote:

Is it absolutely neccesary that the children go? Could they get someone one to mind the children for 2/3 nights?
A friend of mine is in a similar situation (minus the kids) She is going to Rome next month for her brothers wedding. Like your situation he was insistant that the guests stay in the same expensive hotel. If your siter and brother-in-law shop around online they may find a much better deal with the same hotel, than dealing directly with them or through an agent.

Trust me if my sister could get away with heading to Florence for a few days, just her and her husband she'd be off like a rat out of a trap. However, the wonderful bride is insisting that they all go. I would mind the kids for my sisters for a few days no problem as I'd love for her to get away for a few days but it isn't an option.

homeOwner

kizzyr wrote:

The bride and groom are insistant that everybody goes but aren't paying for anything for anyone....... The bride has also insisted that everyone stay in the same hotel as her but it is a very expensive hotel.

Here's your problem. You think that people have to do everything the couple want because they are getting married. Newsflash! You dont. They are getting married, not king and queen of your life. She cant insist on you doing anything.

If you cant afford to go, then dont go.
If you cant afford the hotel, stay in a cheaper one.

This notion that people getting married can tell other people what to do is ridiculous. Someone should tell them to cop onto themselves and not be putting such a burden on the family. They can go and get married in Italy by all means, but if no one can afford to go, dont wonder why. Have a party when they get home as someone else suggested. I mean its just crazyness.

kizzyr

homeOwner wrote:

Here's your problem. You think that people have to do everything the couple want because they are getting married. Newsflash! You dont. They are getting married, not king and queen of your life. She cant insist on you doing anything.

If you cant afford to go, then dont go.
If you cant afford the hotel, stay in a cheaper one.

This notion that people getting married can tell other people what to do is ridiculous. Someone should tell them to cop onto themselves and not be putting such a burden on the family. They can go and get married in Italy by all means, but if no one can afford to go, dont wonder why. Have a party when they get home as someone else suggested. I mean its just crazyness.

Its not my problem its my sisters. To be honest even if I was in her situation I'd be upfront about saying that I can't afford to do things your way, I'm willing to go but will pick where I am going to stay and not have it dictated by you. However my sister is a) scared of confrontation while I am not and b) for some absurd reason thinks that the couple who are getting married are the be all and end all of greatness. I'd love to give her a shaking and open her eyes to what the rest of us (as in the my sisters, parents, brother, and all of our respecitve OHs) see but I don't want to hurt her either.
Saying they aren't going to go isn't going to happen so thats a non runner. I think in the end I'm probably going to end up giving her a "loan" of some money. By that I mean a pay me back whenever you can, no hurry on it, loan. I don't know if she'd take it from me but I'd do it to help her out because she is feeling under pressure about this. I was just interested to see what people who are getting married thought about the situation.

homeOwner

kizzyr wrote:

Its not my problem its my sisters. To be honest even if I was in her situation I'd be upfront about saying that I can't afford to do things your way, I'm willing to go but will pick where I am going to stay and not have it dictated by you. However my sister is a) scared of confrontation while I am not and b) for some absurd reason thinks that the couple who are getting married are the be all and end all of greatness. I'd love to give her a shaking and open her eyes to what the rest of us (as in the my sisters, parents, brother, and all of our respecitve OHs) see but I don't want to hurt her either.
Saying they aren't going to go isn't going to happen so thats a non runner. I think in the end I'm probably going to end up giving her a "loan" of some money. By that I mean a pay me back whenever you can, no hurry on it, loan. I don't know if she'd take it from me but I'd do it to help her out because she is feeling under pressure about this. I was just interested to see what people who are getting married thought about the situation.

Sorry if my previous post sounded a bit harsh.

To be honest it sounds like it is becoming your problem if you are going to loan her the money and she cant pay it back.

But there is a more worrying problem here in that your family dont seem to be able to stand up to this woman and presumably your own brother. This is just one problem, what happens if she wants christenings in Rome?

Try to make your sister see sense. Good luck with it.

kizzyr

homeOwner wrote:

Sorry if my previous post sounded a bit harsh.

To be honest it sounds like it is becoming your problem if you are going to loan her the money and she cant pay it back.

But there is a more worrying problem here in that your family dont seem to be able to stand up to this woman and presumably your own brother. This is just one problem, what happens if she wants christenings in Rome?

Try to make your sister see sense. Good luck with it.

I've just spoken to my sister and she seems finally to have seen the light. Well maybe only a glimmer but its more than before. She said that she has just realised what a joke this whole thing is and is really angry about it. However that said she has also just booked accomondation, flights and car hire for her, my brother in law (his sister is the one getting married) and their 3 kids. The girl that is getting married might as well be called Princess as she is treated as such by her own family and so seems to think that everyone will want to act accordingly. Just makes me glad that I'm not the one who is married into that family.
Re: it becoming my problem, I suppose in a way you are right but I'd only be giving money to my sister to help HER out. I couldn't give a damn about the other girl but do about my sister and so want to help her. If she can't pay me back then she can't pay me back but I'm in a better position than she is and I know that if the time comes that I ever need help from her in the future she would be the first in line and I suppose thats what families do for each other.
Thank you all for your replies and I'm glad to see that I'm not just being a skinflint by thinking that this particular bride and groom are out of order.

Victor

Have "the family" pay, ie Mummy and Daddy deduct it from what ever amount they were financing the B&G for.

GAA widow

hi kizzy.

as it's a wedding abroad it's a tough one to call like other posters have said.

When it was your own sister's wedding what did your sister's SIL have to pay for?

Ickle Magoo

I think if a couple want to get married abroad they should expect that some people cannot or do not want to go...equally, if they want everyone to attend then they should put their hand in their pocket.

Some folks think the world has nothing better to do than take time off work & fork out a fortune for their big day...they have very little thought of how unimportant, in the scheme of things, their wedding is. Maybe a dose of reality from a family member would help?

kizzyr

GAA widow wrote:

hi kizzy.

as it's a wedding abroad it's a tough one to call like other posters have said.

When it was your own sister's wedding what did your sister's SIL have to pay for?

My sister got married 6 years ago and had the wedding here in Ireland.The SIL lives in Dublin and the wedding was in Ratoath Co. Meath and the hotel was about 30 minutes away from the church. My sister and her husband were really keen for the immediate family and oldest closest friends to stay in the hotel and even stumped up half of the cost of a nights B&B in the hotel.

Have "the family" pay, ie Mummy and Daddy deduct it from what ever amount they were financing the B&G for.

That is something I've thought of Victor but its not known if Princess's Daddy will be paying out for the wedding. I'd be surprised if he isn't as he is totally loaded but even if he isn't paying for the whole lot I would have hoped that he had the cop on to realise that his son and my sister can't really afford the trip and just present them with a cheque. The flights, car hire and accomodation for 3 nights have been booked and it is costing them just under €3000.00. No donation is going to be made to charity as the wedding present my sister has said. She feels bad about it but said that having spent that much money on such a short holiday, and thats even before she has bought anything to wear (although my mum has told her to buy whatever she wants and she'll pay for it) for herself, the kids, had dinner while there etc. It also means that they won't have a holiday next year either because so much money has been spent on a 3 day trip. This Saturday is going to be a joy as the new baby is being christened and the Princess Bride will be there and I'm going to be expected to be highly delighted for her getting married.:(

trotter_inc

tbh wrote:

no I'd agree with you anyway. IMO, the options should be:

"We'd love to see you there, but understand if you can't make it, We'll be having a big party in Dublin soon after, so if you can't make the wedding, we'd love to see you there instead."

I would say something along the same lines, was in Florence a couple of months ago and its by no means cheap. Beautiful city and I can understand why they would want to get married there, Im all up for doing something different...

Putting an expense on people like that is always going to cause issues for people.... the worst case is where someone really wants to be there for their big day but cant afford it!