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Throwing your own baby shower

trillianv

This is going to seem silly but I am 7 months pregnant with my first child and am American. Back home a family member or friend would usually throw a baby shower for the mom-to-be in the last couple of months of the pregnancy. My mother-in-law knows how much this would mean to me as does my sister-in-law yet are showing very little interest in the upcoming birth anyways (I am married to an Irishman and all of my family is in America).

So I have decided that I don't want to miss out on having a baby shower just because my family is not here and I am living here. Therefore, I am throwing my own baby shower in July (due in September). Now I know they are not really the norm here but do you think I am right in doing this?

BTW I have adapted to most things Irish as I have lived here now for over 3 years, so I am not just being difficult

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xzanti

Yeah you're right its not really the norm here... I can't speak for everyone but I think Id find it a bit cheaky for someone to invite me to a baby shower... especially when they're expected to buy the baby a gift when he/she arrives and then again for the Christening.. Am I thinking of something else or is a baby shower a party where people shower you with baby gifts?? If Im thinking of the wrong thing I apologise...

fuzzywiggle

What do you need one for?

trillianv

xzanti wrote:

Yeah you're right its not really the norm here... I can't speak for everyone but I think Id find it a bit cheaky for someone to invite me to a baby shower... especially when they're expected to buy the baby a gift when he/she arrives and then again for the Christening.. Am I thinking of something else or is a baby shower a party where people shower you with baby gifts?? If Im thinking of the wrong thing I apologise...

I should have been more clear...I do not expect gifts at the birth nor at the baby shower. If they would like to buy something fine, but I don't expect anything. Also, if giving a gift would it not make more sense to give someone something before the baby is born that will be useful or to wait until after the birth and call over to someone's house right after they have given birth. The purpose of most of the parties are to celebrate the soon-to-be arrival.

In addition, I am not having a christening. I am not catholic and my husband is so to make it easier we are not having one. We may have a small blessing ceremony but not for everyone.

For me the baby shower is a party for all your female friends. You have food and a bit of craic and it's like the one last time you are really going to be able to just have a fun afternoon without worrying about having a child with you. I may not NEED one but I know that in the UK they are becoming very popular and they are the norm in America....so why cannot I bring a few of my traditions with me?

[Deleted User]

We don't do that and personally I would think it was a cheek if I was invited to one, it's basically 'you HAVE to buy me a gift because I'm having a baby.' Hate the idea and think it's tacky personally. I'm sure you'll get some gifts when the baby is born. Is not having a baby shower such a big deal since your friends and family from the U.S won't be attending anyway, I assume? I wouldn't do it personally. It's not part of the culture and looks like you're fishing for gifts IMO.

Celticfire

You do what you want , If other people think it's tacky that's their problem. Different strokes for different folks.....

eiretamicha

trillianv wrote:

This is going to seem silly but I am 7 months pregnant with my first child and am American. Back home a family member or friend would usually throw a baby shower for the mom-to-be in the last couple of months of the pregnancy. My mother-in-law knows how much this would mean to me as does my sister-in-law yet are showing very little interest in the upcoming birth anyways (I am married to an Irishman and all of my family is in America).

So I have decided that I don't want to miss out on having a baby shower just because my family is not here and I am living here. Therefore, I am throwing my own baby shower in July (due in September). Now I know they are not really the norm here but do you think I am right in doing this?

BTW I have adapted to most things Irish as I have lived here now for over 3 years, so I am not just being difficult

I've wondered about this same thing, actually. I'm American, my husband's Irish, and we're not planning on having our first baby until we move back to Ireland. And, well, I want a baby-shower, damnit!!

Although, mine would be more of a pre-baby-party because I'd invite both girls and guys, and I wouldn't do all those cutesy-wootsy games. It would just be a big party with lots of food and cake!

I'm not Catholic either, but we agreed that we'd have our babies christened so long as I could raise them vegetarian. :rolleyes: But, I would much rather have a baby-shower party instead of a christening party because how am I to party with a newborn in my arms? It just seems weird.

Anyway, we'll probably not have a baby-shower and have the christening party instead, which is kind of a shame because I think the baby-shower would be fun. But oh well.

iguana

Why do you have to have a baby shower to have a good time. Just don't call it a baby-shower. Invite all your female friends over to a get-together, tell them you would like to have this little party as it's your last chance before you become a parent.

Don't call it a shower, because whether it is your intention or not it will make people feel obliged to give a gift.

Wiki-definition; A baby shower is a party in which expectant parents receive gifts or money for their expected child. By convention, a baby shower is intended to help parents get things that they need for their baby (such as basic layette items), especially items they may not be able to afford. It is a fairly recent tradition in the United States and in other cultures influenced by American culture or media.

I would feel annoyed if I was invited to a shower by a mum-to-be, as to me they are about asking for gifts and I'd be likely to make an excuse not to attend. And I'd think differently about that person from then on. I give friends who have had a baby a present because I want to, and not because I feel obliged.

So by all means have a party, but just call it a party. Then no-one feels obliged to give a gift.

Dave!

Yeh, the first thing that came to my mind after reading the title was "that's a bit cheeky", cos while you mightn't ask for or want gifts, that's kinda expected. I appreciate your reasons for wanting a shower, but I'm just saying it might be taken differently, unless you make a big deal about it being a girly thing and not about you leeching off your mates.

It seems like a nice tradition (?), though, so hopefully it works out for you

iguana wrote:

Why do you have to have a baby shower to have a good time. Just don't call it a baby-shower. Invite all your female friends over to a get-together, tell them you would like to have this little party as it's your last chance before you become a parent.

Don't call it a shower, because whether it is your intention or not it will make people feel obliged to give a gift.

Wiki-definition; A baby shower is a party in which expectant parents receive gifts or money for their expected child. By convention, a baby shower is intended to help parents get things that they need for their baby (such as basic layette items), especially items they may not be able to afford. It is a fairly recent tradition in the United States and in other cultures influenced by American culture or media.

I would feel annoyed if I was invited to a shower by a mum-to-be, as to me they are about asking for gifts and I'd be likely to make an excuse not to attend. And I'd think differently about that person from then on. I give friends who have had a baby a present because I want to, and not because I feel obliged.

So by all means have a party, but just call it a party. Then no-one feels obliged to give a gift.

Yeh, this is a good idea

Beruthiel

trillianv wrote:

I should have been more clear...I do not expect gifts at the birth nor at the baby shower. If they would like to buy something fine, but I don't expect anything.

Maybe you don't expect them, but we all know that's what this party is about, we've seen enough of them on american tv shows to know.
Whither you expect a gift or not, people you invite will feel pressured to bring one either way.
I would think it very odd to be invited to a baby shower.
However, whither you are right on throwing the party is hardly the issue, that's entirely up to you and you should do as you wish. Just be prepared for people to wonder what it's all about.

BMH

Just say on the invite that you would ask that no gifts are brought, but instead a small donation is made to X charity.

trillianv

Thanks for the replies but I am having a shower. I am American and I do not need to make excuses for my nationality nor my traditions. If someone is invited and they don't want to buy me a gift...then don't or if they think badly of me for wanting something from my own culture while I am thousands of miles from home well then I guess they are not really a friend. They won't be turned away at the door nor thought worse of....And no this shower will not be any less since my family cannot be here as I will invite my husband's family and all my Irish friends.

Is it not cheeky then to throw yourself a "house-warming party"? Because to the last 2 I went it was quite the norm to get many gifts at this party.

HelterSkelter

iguana wrote:

Why do you have to have a baby shower to have a good time. Just don't call it a baby-shower. Invite all your female friends over to a get-together, tell them you would like to have this little party as it's your last chance before you become a parent..

Gotta agree with this. If I was invited to a "Baby Shower" I would think it's a bit cheeky. Even if I was told I was not expected to bring gifts I would still feel under pressure to bring one as I'd feel like a right scabby so and so if I show up with nothing and everyone else brings something.

BMH

trillianv wrote:

Thanks for the replies but I am having a shower. I am American and I do not need to make excuses for my nationality nor my traditions. If someone is invited and they don't want to buy me a gift...then don't or if they think badly of me for wanting something from my own culture while I am thousands of miles from home well then I guess they are not really a friend. They won't be turned away at the door nor thought worse of....And no this shower will not be any less since my family cannot be here as I will invite my husband's family and all my Irish friends.

Is it not cheeky then to throw yourself a "house-warming party"? Because to the last 2 I went it was quite the norm to get many gifts at this party.

Just name it something else then.
"A Baby Short-Spell-of-Rain"

trillianv

BMH wrote:

Just name it something else then.
"A Baby Short-Spell-of-Rain"

OK so the party itself is ok...it's just the name???

HelterSkelter

trillianv wrote:

OK so the party itself is ok...it's just the name???

Yup, I think so.

Celticfire

I'm sure you went to many baby showers back in the US and feel that you would like to have one yourself, so just go ahead. I don't find it that cheeky myself.

iguana

trillianv wrote:

OK so the party itself is ok...it's just the name???

Yes, I think definitely have the party. There is nothing wrong with that. Have a girly day before the baby is born sounds nice.

But calling it a shower makes it seem like a "shower" of gifts is expected. And as here it is more traditional to give gifts after the birth*, some people might actually feel obliged to give at the shower and again three months later when they visit to see the baby. Which is how I would feel.

*Which stems partly from superstion and partly from the fact that many people choose not to know the baby's sex so clothing gifts are chosen after the birth.

Edit to add; In fact if I was expecting a baby and my family were far away, having a party for your friends to come around and offer emotional support sounds kinda vital.

moneyman

Just pick it up and throw it in the shower.

trillianv

iguana wrote:

Yes, I think definitely have the party. There is nothing wrong with that. Have a girly day before the baby is born sounds nice.

But calling it a shower makes it seem like a "shower" of gifts is expected. And as here it is more traditional to give gifts after the birth*, some people might actually feel obliged to give at the shower and again three months later when they visit to see the baby. Which is how I would feel.

*Which stems partly from superstion and partly from the fact that many people choose not to know the baby's sex so clothing gifts are chosen after the birth.

I cannot understand though this superstition thing. We know we are having a boy and have already started buying most of the big items. Yet I know tons of pregnant women who leave the buying until the last month. One woman actually said she is leaving this all til she is in hospital and her husband has to go buy it all :eek: I would rather go to a shower before the birth and get someone something that is purposeful and they need then wait til after and get them another set of clothes that the baby will never wear!

Siogfinsceal

I dont think anyone on the thread is saying you shouldnt honour your traditions. I do agree however that because we do not have this tradition over here people may assume that you are expecting them to buy a gift. I think Iguana's idea is great because its still allowing you to have your party without confusing people

dbnavan

I dont see any problem with it, people in Ireland throw themselves a 21st, a 30th, 40th....whatever so this idea of throwing yourself a party being selfish is nonsense. And this idea of it being a matter of not part of our culture and it being 'An American thing' sure it was originally, American but if anyone watches the Baby Channel, will know it is being done more and more in the UK as well.

I was at a wedding a few years ago where the bride was Korean and the traditions obeyed at the were a mix of Irish and Korean, and it was a fantasic enjoyable wedding. So go ahead have your shower and enjoy it, it may be the start of a new trend

b3t4

trillianv wrote:

Yet I know tons of pregnant women who leave the buying until the last month.

Just to explain this. A lot of people leave the purchasing of baby items till after the birth of the baby so as to make sure that all goes well with the birth and that the mother and baby are healthy. If something awful was to happen it would be all the more tramatic to have to deal with facing the items and in turn returning the items.

OP, I think you should listen to the people who are responding to this thread. The people you are inviting to this party, as you have stated, will more than likely be Irish and they too will have similar responses and reservations about a shower. Even if you do state that no presents are required Irish people will feel obliged to get you something and they will again feel obliged to get you something when the baby arrives, it's just the way of things. It could create bad feeling which is never nice.

Whatever you choose to do, best of luck with your pregancy and the birth
A.

Dave!

trillianv wrote:

OK so the party itself is ok...it's just the name???

Yep, I think so

Chinafoot

This reminds me of the "wedding list" we were sent when invited to the wedding of my father's work colleague. I know it's quite different but the reaction was the same. It came across as quite cheeky and quite alien to us as it's a rather American thing.

By all means you should have your party but you should realise that as most of your guests may be Irish, this will seems quite strange to them - especially if you call it a "baby shower". It's not the done thing here and people will feel obliged to buy you gifts.

Your point about housewarming parties isn't really the same. People are never obliged to bring gifts. Often people may just bring a bottle of wine, which is more common courtesy than anything else.

As for dbnavan's point about Irish people having 21st's etc....traditionally the only party that the person themself organises in this country is the 21st (just as American's have their Sweet 16th)
As we get older we tend to be less enthusiastic about celebrating it so publically

You need to "know your audience" so to speak. The title "baby shower" immediately brings to mind presents, afterall you are showering the baby with gifts.

I'd say have the party. You're in a foreign country, away from your family and the support of your friends is crucial. I'd suggest not calling it a shower though.

dbnavan

peachypants wrote:

This reminds me of the "wedding list" we were sent when invited to the wedding of my father's work colleague. I know it's quite different but the reaction was the same. It came across as quite cheeky and quite alien to us as it's a rather American thing.

When I got married 3 years ago many people asked if we were registered anywhere, places like Argos, Arnotts and Clereys all offer and promote, their Wedding registry service. Saves on getting 2 of anything

ArthurDent

I'm on my third baby and due in September too - have to admit if I was invited to a "baby shower" I would probably not be that into it - even if it was a close friend. Most of my friends don't have parties before the baby arrives (even if you are leaving work for maternity leave - you usually don't get a pressie for the baby then - maybe flowers or a voucher for a massage etc). I would never want anyone to buy me a baby pressie before birth - I have bought nothing and will send hubby running around like a blue arsed fly when babs is born.
If you really want a night for your girl friends why don't you call it a "pamper party" and let them know you don't want pressies for baby (even though you might think it strange - people here really don't feel comfortable buying presents for a baby that hasn't been born yet) and maybe organise for someone to do facials or manicures or whatever. Hope it works out for you - gas to see that in spite of all the commonality with us all there are still some differences!:)

trillianv

Whilst I appreciate your views I don't agree with half of them. I am having a baby shower and I am calling it exactly what it is. I am not having a christening and I will make it very clear I do not want any gifts at the birth if they have gone to the trouble of purchasing something for the shower.

I was just sitting here speaking with an Irish friend, who is invited, and she thinks it's a brilliant idea. She thinks maybe more Irish should be more open-minded about it. She also intends to bring one present, once to the shower and that is it. It makes more sense. I am not having a shower for the presents though, I want to reiterate that, and it is not my fault if someone feels obligated to bring something. I feel obligated at most birthday parties and housewarming parties. This same woman I was speaking with is throwing herself a party for her birthday and openly admitted she was "doing it for the cash".

I love how some of you can be so dual standard about this. Let's face it...it's because it is an "american" thing....not any other reason.

Chinafoot

dbnavan wrote:

When I got married 3 years ago many people asked if we were registered anywhere, places like Argos, Arnotts and Clereys all offer and promote, their Wedding registry service. Saves on getting 2 of anything

Indeed.

However, there were a lot of very expensive gifts on this list - the most expensive being over €1,500. My point is, while the wedding lists may be becoming more common (as you say yourself, many shops encourage it...of course they do. Most weddings average over 100 wedding guests...thats a lot of items bought from the one shop and quite the profit to be made.) they are still often met with a "wtf?" reaction. It's presumptuous and ever-so-slightly cheeky. It's the same with baby-showers.

It's not the done thing here. I'm not saying that the OP should deny herself something which is part of her culture, so to speak. I am however, suggesting that the OP be aware of the fact that she's not in America and baby showers are not the norm here and as such she may be met with a reaction she really doesn't want.

trillianv wrote:

Let's face it...it's because it is an "american" thing....not any other reason.

Ok no offence trillianv but you asked for our opinion and we gave it. Clearly not the response you wanted but what can ya do? Nobody is going to lie to you to make you feel better.

The point that people have made is that it's not part of our culture...that does not translate to "thats American, therefore it's bad". If it was an Indian, British, French, African, <insert foreign country here> the reaction would be the same. It's a foreign custom and one that is not traditionally carried out here. Playing the 'anti-American' card is ridiculous and quite frankly insulting.

People have just been advising on the type of reaction you *may* get. If you can't handle honest advice perhaps you shouldn't ask for it on an internet forum.

Nightwish

Please tell me what exactly is a baby shower, if its not about gifts for the baby?

trillianv

As already stated, refer to previous posts, it is about celebrating the imminent arrival of a child. You have food, you talk, you play party games, you eat more food, you talk abit more. It's like an afternoon for the women to just have a get together....Yes, gifts are often given and at home it would usually be the time when the grandparents to be give the big gifts, but this is a practicality issue more than having a party "for the gifts". They are aware that this makes more sense than waiting to give the parents-to-be a pram the week of the arrival.

I am surprised at some of the rather cloaked hostility being displayed as I have had no negative reaction from any of my friends or husband's family here. I would think that most of you, if you had a close friend/family member/in-law who was from another culture you would be willing to do something that may not be the "norm" but would give her a small taste of home at a time when she would be missing it the most.