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funny quotes said by friends

blocparty

just post up funny comments your friends have said.

ill get the ball rolling:
"i wouldnt classify homosexuals as being gay!" - classic

when asked why phones have a vibrate feature:
"its so deaf people know when their phone is ringing"
(just think bout it!)

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doriansmith

My friend once asked me "Does your granny have kids?"

It took her a while to realise why I was laughing

Mushy

He was cheating in an exam once, and instead of writing his own name on the exam paper, he wrote down the name of the bloke he was copying off.

Wow! Not the best of cheaters then

My cousin once said, on some random day in June, "What day is tomorrow...August?" What is scariest is that he wasnt tryin to be funny and there was no drink involved! Maybe ya had to be there but its good

Kolodny

I was at a party once with my friend Steve and the dj was playing the most cheesy monotonous trance we'd ever heard so Steve shouted over to him "Here, DJ Cul-de-sac, that tune's going nowhere!"

Peter Collins

The brother comes home one night as I'm having me dinner

he says "what's that? looks nice

I says "It's an omelette"

"What's in it?"

"Bacon, potato, onions..."

"Sounds nice...what else?"

"Eh ...eggs"

He says "Ugh,....don't like eggs" and walks off

Genghiz Cohen

sitting down in the cinema to watch "the hills have eyes"
friend leans over as the movie starts, "is this a scary movie?"
when later questioned about it, "i thought it was gonna be a courtroom thriller!"
appearently he missed the 3 yard long posters covering the wall on the way.

Victor

blocparty wrote:

excellent point! but his claim was that it was for calls! my mom also made the very same comment when i asked why american house phones have the little red light that flashes when it rings

Thats for people with hearing aids.

Victor

"Two hamburgers, three chips and a breast of chicken, no nipples."

Tar.Aldarion

I have no firends so there are no quotes.

When I went into teh food carraige on a train a while back, paused for a minute and randomly said 'What.. is your duck of the day?' people didn't stop laughing for ten minutes, I think I made a funny.

dermo88

With a bunch of friends in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, and I decided to play a viscious practical joke on the barman in my regular haunt.

"Can I have some fresh ice please, not frozen".

After 10 minutes, he was still looking around the other outlets in the area to get some fresh ice, until we told him what was going on, and gave him the price of a beer.

Dun laoire

I was in a boookies around the chelthenham festival. The bookies was full of punters and midway through the race it was fairly quiet and out of nowhere some bloke screams at the top of his voice "run ya hairy bast4rd". The whole bookies broke their sh1te laughing. Your man was well p1ssed off,. He sounded like a man under pressure and needed a win big time.

Not really a quote but it was funny at the time.

Hugh Hefner

rainbow kirby wrote:

"Duplex. It's like Leisureplex, but with Jews."

"I wonder does porn look better on Mac OS X?"

"Women, grab your penises"

"Everything I know about women I learned from smilies"

ROFLMFAO! Especially the second one.

Dun laoire

Myself and a collegue where on the work one morning and we stopped off at centra to get a bit of breakfast. He asked the girl behind the counter if the sausage rolls where second hand:D She looked at him like he'd ten heads

uncle ernie

female mate of ours asked "whats al pacinos first name"!

cookiemonst3r

Are people from Switzerland Switzerlandish??

Why isn't America in the E.U.??

Terry

asking a friend what her new boyfriend worked at.
"he's an engineer"
what type of engineer?
"he fixes engines"

rsta

my friend lost her mobile, we just about ready to head out for the night, she was all in a panic to find it, it was in the house somewhere, so i said ok i'll ring your mobile now... she says 'no whats the point, sure i won't be able to answer it'.......... :rolleyes: true story

Terry

not so much a quote. more of a prank really.
a few years back a friend of mine worked for a portaloo/portacabin company (company A). his brother worked for their main competitors (company

. the brother isn't the sharpest tool in the box.
around that time there was a lot of talk about manned missions to mars.
me and my friend told his brother that company A had got the contract to build the living quarters on mars. the brother went to his boss with this news and insisted that they should put in a competetive bid in order to secure such a lucrative contract. his boss got onto the owner of company A instantly to find out who had made up this story as he wanted to thank them for giving him such a good laugh.

same guy got drunk one night and began telling everyone that he was "locutus le borg". those pesky french and their plans to assimilate humanity.
\
same guy again. arrested for picking up a hooker. told the cops that he was just giving her a lift home. there was no way her was soliciting sex as he was gay. that one made the front page of the sunday world, much to the embarassment of his family. he is now married and has 1 child.

give me a while, i could write a book on his stupidity.

Silverfish

"I'm not as drunk as you thinkle peep I am" then tripped over an armchair and stayed down.

RefulgentGnomon

"Two hamburgers, three chips and a breast of chicken, no nipples."

ROFL Harris
LMAO Zedong

natter

In supermacs after a night out
"Can I have a please burger cheese" I was standing beside him and took me ages to figure out why that didnt sound right

On of my own, and shamefully there was no drink involved it just came out when we were talking about what we put in porridge.
"I like rasins in context but not in porridge"

Sauron

Group of my friends are making fun of this guy, saying he can't get a date because he smells so bad...

then one guy says to him: "Why don't you go out with a blind girl then?"

:S

Miguel_Sanchez

In Galway last summer very hungover one Sunday and having a fry up in a cafe. I started challenging my friend, saying I was going to finish mine first and then start on his.

We started into a "bring it on", "Oh it's on" kind of thing.

Third guy at the table picks up his knife and fork and says "I guess I'll just let my mouth do the talking." and tucks into his fry.

Raptor

Years ago a group of us went for a drinking/camping night - first big drinking session for a few of us. Following morning a quite hungover buddy makes the observation

"We're inside, the bags are outside. Lets make like the bags"

gerrycollins

the mother in law
one day while out in the garden with my wife they noticed the garda chopper overhead flying about as it does then it stopped and hung in mid air possibly over a target

"look" the mother in law says "it hoovering"

Classic

then the old wives tales about up setting the apple cart well for her is "dont upset the apple tart"

Fuzzy_Dunlop

these are from the same guy, Bob, lets call him

* (while playing poker)
Other Friend 1-"Bob you dont even know what your doing, do you?"
Bob-"Yes i am!"

*(in Friends house, Bob picks up cooker lighter thing and drops it in a bag)
Friend 1-"did you just light that and drop it in the bag!"
Bob(disappointedly)-"it didnt light"

funky penguin

On a night out, friend of mine was out of his head, thrusting, jiggling etc about the place to the music. Suddenly, he runs up to me and says, "Man, am I drunk?"

I said "Simon, you're as langered as a badger".

He staggers really close to me, head falling all over, shaking his finger at me in a 'no, no, no' way, and says "Ah, you can't fool me! There's no such thing as badgers!"

bazzer06

on explaining a possible change in my travel plans for the summer:

Me: I don't know if i'll be able to go away in august - pearl jam are playing reading and i wanna go to that

My Friend: is that a football match?

bazzer06

My friend, having been told she had to not talk for five minutes, when allowed to speak again...

" I was just thinking, if you knew a family with the surname Foot, would ya say "Look, its the Foots!" or "Look, its the Feet!""

Yook

Package wrote:

my mate gaz is a walking comedy of one-liners..

he has **** loads of them, ill write them all down and post later,....

one or two are

"see a penny, pick it up, throw it over your shoulder"
"thats a sex on legs car"
"there are gremlins living in my sterio"
"i wonder if some humans are aliens"

[sarcasm]This "Gaz" seems like a funny...funny guy.....[/sarcasm]

fuzzywiggle

Dun laoire wrote:

I was in a boookies around the chelthenham festival. The bookies was full of punters and midway through the race it was fairly quiet and out of nowhere some bloke screams at the top of his voice "run ya hairy bast4rd". The whole bookies broke their sh1te laughing. Your man was well p1ssed off,. He sounded like a man under pressure and needed a win big time.

Not really a quote but it was funny at the time.

That made me laugh!!