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Child Item

A Glass Hammer!

Okie

After reading some of the hum-dingers on the thread entitled The stupidest thing you've ever heard someone say It got me thinking about something along the same lines.

For example, say you or a friend (to protect the innocent!

) was new to a job or on work experience. You know the drill, being sent for a glass hammer, rubber nails, tartan paint, etc, etc.

Anyway, what are some of the best ones you have heard?

My favourite one actually happened in my home town. Some young lad was working in a hotel kitchen. Dish washer broke down, one of the regular workers had a look in the back and goes - "Ah, I see what's wrong.We need to get a replacement fallopian tube"

The poor young lad was sent to two different hardware shops round the town looking for a replacement fallopian tube

Let the embarrassment begin....

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sionnach

reminds me of billy connolly's youth when he was sent searching for a tin of tartan paint

Kali

sky-hooks.

sparkite

a bucket of steam, a long weight, a spirit level battery

Sleipnir

banana juice.

or

"we need a 'Long Stand. Wait here"

Then walk away leaving him there for his Long stand.

Töpher

Originally posted by Kali
sky-hooks.

About to say the exact same thing!

Töpher

Also, elbow grease!

inaccessibleisl

A skirten (sp?) ladder. Thing is, the skirten is only about six inches high off the feckin ground and only incey wincey people ala the land o' the giants would require such a ladder.

hedgetrimmer

Some I heard were used to use in the kitchen of the Grand Hotel Malahide were

a leg of Salmon
Frozen Mushrooms
powdered water

_sheep

^^^^^ beaten to it, was a bit slow posting

One of my uncles once sent my younger brother looking for a 'skirting(sp?) board ladder'. Its not a huge town so everyone knows everyone, any hardware shop he went to played along and said they were out of stock.

Oh did we laugh...

inaccessibleisl

Originally posted by hedgetrimmer

Frozen Mushrooms

What's so odd about Frozen Mushrooms? I have a freezer packed with them. :dunno:

Borzoi

Skirting ladders were popular.

If you got a particularly good site you could drive an apprentice bananas.

A: Go over to B and get a skirting ladder off him
B: I'll give you the ladder if yougo get me a glass hammer
or
B: Ah no, I don't have it, but try C over there etc

rymus

Used to use the bucket of steam, long stand and fallopian tubes on the noobs. That leg of salmon one cracks me up

Dont be at yourself

Tomorrow's newspaper.

Fucking bitch.

hedgetrimmer

Originally posted by inaccessibleisl
What's so odd about Frozen Mushrooms? I have a freezer packed with them. :dunno:

In the context of ordering them from a vendor I guess...you can't buy them frozen.. Anyway, freezing mushrooms is not a healthy thing to do, for certain legal values of mushrooms, afaik

woosaysdan

i work in a pub and one day i sent one of the glass collectors down to the cellar to change the tap water!!! he was gone for a good half hour before he copped on to it

Victor

Originally posted by Okie
being sent for a glass hammer,

So in an emergency, what do you use to break the window on a bus?

Originally posted by Okie
tartan paint,

They actually came up with a two colour paint, you simply prime a design you want and one of the colours is absorbed in that area leaving only the other coulour and vice versa. Not very popular though.

inaccessibleisl

Victor, I think you'll find that they are called 'Shatter Hammer'.

End Communication.

SheroN

knew a chap who went into a hardware shop and asked for the bubble out of a spirt level and another fella who was workin in a garage who went into another garage with a bucket looking for a lend of some air for the compressor...:)

inaccessibleisl

Well one time this woman knocked on my front door and asked did I have any milk for the baby, I said 'lady, I ain't got a baby, and you keep it down before the missus gets any ideas'. I'd say her co-workers at the dairy had a great laugh at her expense.

Blisterman

At work, someone gave me a bag and told me to go outside and get some fresh air. Didn't fall for it though.

kenny

A lad I knew at school worked in a motorbike shop on work experience, got sent out for some menstrual cycle fluid.

Apart from that just the usual classics, 'get us some chicken lips out the freezer' or 'go and ask so and so for a long stand'

ToxicPaddy

Bottle of blue gas.. (for the beer lines in a pub)
Black chalk (a particular fav in my school amoung the teachers)
Long stand (as mentioned already)

Tox

Lump

Originally posted by Kali
sky-hooks.

There is such a thing, used in lighting afaik.

John

BKtje

left handed spatula

yorema

heh best thing was when i asked my m8's ma for a left handed hammer she replied

'i don't think so you'll have to ask tony(the da) when he comes home'

rofl she came out about 5 mins after the da came home laughing telling us there's no such thing

another time while working in the red cow pub we asked the new lounge boy to go ask charlie for a long stand ahhh the poor guy was brought to the shed while charlie pretended to look for it and told him to wait there while he 'searched' elsewhere rofl the guy stood there for an hour but at least he got payed for it :P

those where the days

TheWolf

When working in a pub, convinced a total n00b to go up and ask the barman for a "wet dream by the neck"

Happy days

Agent Smith

Originally posted by Kananga
banana juice.

it exsists.....

had some about 6 months a go in dublin city center, cant remember where i got it.....

tasts like what i imagiane monkey urin tastes like monkey urine

rob1891

An intern I used to work with was sent to look for ether for the network once, and the poor fool got caught out a second time when asked to find some latency. One guy just told him to wait.

That's the standard of current computer science graduates!!

oneweb

Skirting ladder. Deep down I knew the manager (bit of a prick) was takin' the piss, but I took the opportunity to skive off and doss in the stockroom for a good while

Civilian_Target

They tried to send me down to the stationary shop to get me to buy "Fallopian Tubes" for the photocopier, but I copped that one.

They did however, get me to order 2 "Glenswilly Tarts" at the bakers (the 2 girls behind the counter were from glenswilly.)

And they tricked me into thinking I'd lost some valuable documents that I'd had to pick up from the accountants office (of course, the valuable documents hadn't been there in the first place)

Oh well,