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Child Item

We didn't discuss this

slo007

Ever do something that you think you discussed with your partner 10x, go and do that thing, and hear from them that, "You did WHAT?!"

One of our cars has been causing issues, twice leaving me on the side of the road with the engine light on and clearly acting broken. It's fixed now, but I'm not convinced. The engine vibrates a bit more than I remember at idle when it's cold. The bolts are showing signs of rust. It's 6 years old and has almost 80k on the odometer. Time to go I think.

I've articulated all this to my wife for over 6 months, drove various models and told her which ones I liked. I mentioned one is coming up for sale soon as the new face lift has arrived in Ireland. A week later, one model on my list came up for sale at 20% off, brand new, and I put a deposit. It's not even that expensive, 300 per month and we can easily afford it. It's a Skoda, not even fancy or show off-ish.

Then I shared the news, all excited to save 20% on a new car. Right?

"We never discussed this. I'm not driving that thing. Where are you going to charge it? We cannot charge at home. I'm keeping the other car. We never agreed to buy a new car. You can't even drive to abc town and back." All this in one go.

It has 560km range and I can charge for free at work. But facts are irrelevant.

How to approach this in the future so the obvious to me is not a surprise to her?

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HazeDoll

There is a thing that can happen and I'm sure there's a name for it, a sort of reverse confirmation bias. It's where we don't really process input from others if it doesn't align with our own ideas. It's not a conscious disregard for other opinions, it's a subconscious failure to see that alternative views are as valid as our own.

A: "I think we should go on a golfing holiday."

B: "I don't think that sounds like fun. Let's look at some other ideas before we decide."

Person B has gently shut down the idea and given their reason without putting their foot down and explicitly denying person A permission to book a golfing holiday.

Person A has heard person B say that they aren't aware how much fun golfing holidays can be, and the option is still on the table.

sydthebeat

My wife has made continuous comments about how she no longer likes or sitting room suite of couch and chairs. Getting old, bit worn, etc etc. I tell her yeah I can see that etc.

Now, I sit on this couch every day. If she took a decision herself to go out and buy a brand new one without discussing it with me, let me look it over, hell even try it out... Id be pretty pi$$ed off. And I'm not talking 5 figures here, not even about the money really.

If someone chooses something that I would have to use every single day without my agreement I wouldn't be very happy.

spaceHopper

You might have talked about it but you never agreed it. You should have been clearer and said, I'm think of xyz car what do you think.

By the way 80K is nothing and some light surface rust on bold isn't something to worry about. The car is probably fine. If it's diesel the check engine light or DPF line means you aren't driving it enough on ling trips to clear out the DPF.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Some posts deleted.

Throwaway comments on the merits or otherwise of the car are not addressing the core issue here.
If that's what the OP wishes to receive advice on - the car - they are free to start a separate thread in the Motors forum.

Anyone unfamiliar with the PI forum, please take time to read it before posting.

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123378864#Comment_123378864

was just thinking this, my car is coming up to 6 years old and has 83K on clock (diesel). That's nothing for a car these days! I live in a rural area so its on the road a lot.

OP, this is about communication, nothing more , nothing less. Communication is talking and listening, discussing, debating, especially when it comes to buying a new car. I assume the 300euro repayment every month is from joint funds or will affect household budget to some degree?

Esel

The bolts are showing signs of rust. It's 6 years old and has almost 80k on the odometer. Time to go I think.

80K on the clock is nothing. (Km or miles, still low). Rusty bolts? Superficial rust probably, not a cause for concern really.

Seems you just fancied a change and went ahead off your own bat.

In future, talk things through. You have to agree, and sometimes your arguments will fail to convince (like here, I have to say).

charlessmith22

The advice for future is blatantly obvious, consult her before making a big purcahse and try to agree on the thing you're purchasing.

But I think there's an issue behind the issue here, you both sound a little resentful of each other. The car issue is symptomatic for a breakdown in respect and communication which obviously will have leaked into other areas of your marriage.

Peregrinus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058407075/we-didnt-discuss-this

What's completely lacking from this account is any hint of what your wife said over the past 6 months on any of the many occasions when you suggested that it might be time to change the car, or when you talked about what car you might like to get.

Also completely lacking is any suggestion that on any of these occasions you asked her what she thought, or what she wanted.

You say you discussed this with her many times but there is nothing to suggest that you listened to anything she said. Or, if you did, it doesn't appear you think what she said is important enough to mention here.

You see the problem here?

Now, fair's fair. Maybe the account you posted here is incomplete. I get that this is a fairly informal place and you're venting, not writing an essay. So maybe your wife did have views, and maybe you did find out what they were, and maybe you attached considerable weight to them, and maybe you thought what you were doing was entirely in accordance with her wishes.

But, from the reaction you report, it doesn't seem so.

So, perhaps the answer to your question . . .

How to approach this in the future so the obvious to me is not a surprise to her?

. . . is "Talk to your wife, bearing in mind that talking to someone involves more than just telling them what you are thinking".

Buffman

Really depends on the exact car situation and who pays for what.

Are both cars shared and paid for equally or do you have a car 'each' that is 'yours' and fully paid for by you?

If it's the shared costs option then obviously detailed discussions are required, but if it's fully yours and you're fully paying everything for it and it's not affecting joint finances at all, then it's your own choice what you drive.

Deeec

You just talked about getting a random new car over a period of time. Nothing definite planned, no decision made.

You then ploughed on and bought a car without discussing the car, the price, the deal etc with your wife. Your wife is right to be annoyed - you did not involve her in the decision.

How would you feel if it was the other way around and your wife came home and said she bought a car without involving you.

RurtBeynolds

Talking about getting a car and actually buying a car are two different things.

I couldn't imagine making that kind of purchase unilaterally.

Mellor

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058407075/we-didnt-discuss-this

You made references to buying a new car randomly over a 6 months. Multiple times. Then when one of the came up for sale at 20% off. You went out and put a deposit down. Is that a fair summary?

If so you made it clear you were in the market for a new car. But you absolutely didn't discuss that you were about to make a to make a 5 figure purchase. Which you probably should have if it's a shared expense.

Assume this was a new Elroq or similar.

Andrea B.

Your talking could have just gone over their head.

You ask of future risk reduction?

Subtle WhatsApp text. "Quick one, opportunity won't last long on what might be bargain. I appreciate you have loads of other stuff going on, but all ok if I pull trigger on this car thing?".