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Dating a separated man

sabrina1979

HHi I'm currently dating a man 8 months separated from his ex after she was unfaithful.....there is 2 kids involved both over 17 years old,he told me he needs to hide that he is dsting anyone as the ex is looking for any excuse to make it look like to her family he ended the marriage by claiming he is in a relationship even though he was the one cheated on.....problem now is we can barely meet as she is watching his movements on his days off work and if he is late to see his kids or changes the times she gets suspicious as to why......should I just walk away from this mess of hold on a while till he sorts how to resolve this?he said he wants to be with me but he is scared she will take all in the divorce as she got everything signed over in her name

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Purple Mountain

Run! He's only 8 months out of a 17 year marriage!

And he can't even meet you in public.

You are worth so much more, have more worth in yourself.

Who knows, maybe in a year or 2, things might change for him but don't keep in touch with him because that'll only hold you back.

StupidLikeAFox

Why does he care what his ex's family think if they are split up?

Why does he care if his ex knows what he is doing?

If they were married for 17 years things will be split down the middle. He is not going to lose everything because he has a new gf. Even if he cheated (which he may well be doing) it will still be split evenly whether it's in her name or not.

The fact he is sneaking around is a red flag. It sounds like he is making excuses to sneak around and keep you a secret, why would you put yourself in for that kind of drama

sabrina1979

He is living in a house with friend do he definitely separated.....he just told me that she took all the savings from there account and he is trying to keep her sweet so he can get it back from her there's also a home in another country they co own but it's on her familys land and he wants to make sure he gets his half it's all he told me....I just know our dates have to be hidden and he has to be seen to not be late seeing his daughter both kids are over the age of 17 so to me I don't understand why the need to see kids that old at same time every week

Xterminator

Hi Op

thats a lot of baggage. thats a lot of baggage. thats a lot of baggage.

all that said you sound like a sensible well educated woman, and im going to assume its not your 1st rodeo either?

Be sensible. Look after yourself. Make sure you get what you need from any relationship - and that your not just pouring yourself into trying to 'fix' someone. If he is giving you back what you need, and making you happy/ - then proceed with caution.

If you find your not getting what you need out of the relationship then run for the hills.

charlessmith22

This is typical behaviour for someone recently separated, he'll continue to be hot and cold with you. And a lot of the time the person cheated on won't be over their ex as opposed to the cheater who moved on mentally long before. So don't be surprised if given half a chance he goes running back to her, or at best is still ruminating and a bit obsessed. There's very little chance of success here.

You're not asking the right questions. Why does Sabrina think she's not worth more than the crumbs he's offering?

Boggles

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058404822/dating-a-separated-man

His baggage isn't your problem. Don't make it yours.

No idea how she is tracking his movements unless she has access to locations on his phone.

Bit of self worth there OP.

If he is that paranoid he needs to adjust his behaviour, you don't need to adjust yours.

Tell him cop on or move on.

Dumb Juan

Hi,

His motives are probably genuine, he is being cautious. His ex could be very angry and he is trying to protect you by not having her attention turn on you. Hence not aggravating her by being late or drawing suspicion on him/you. Re his kids maybe he is not ready to have the conversation with them about you, as he is afraid of the lies that she will say to them and everyone else. He maybe afraid of how they will react.

My opinion, is to keep dating him and other people. He is not ready for a serious relationship but you can still enjoy his friendship and being with him but just understand he is going through a lot of trauma right now.

Airyfairy12

This isnt worth it at all, their kids are over 17 so she has no say or input into his relationship with them, he doesnt have to go through her to speak to them as they have their own phones/social media etc. How would she keep an eye on his movements on his days off if theyre not together? is he telling her what he's been doing? Is she tracking him? Has he no boundaries with her? Why is he so afraid of her family thinking that he's in a new relationship? Why does he care what they think of him at all if he's trying to get away from her? Surely he has bigger worries like his ex cheating on him and then tracking his whereabouts. He's playing his part in this by letting her control him and his new relationship which makes me think he's not over her, doesnt want her knowing he's seeing someone incase theres a chance of them working things out. The fact he's so secretive about you would raise alarm bells.

Its not worth the hassle and im sorry to say but after atleast 17 years together, youre a rebound! Find your self worth and stay out of this drama filled situation.

mykrodot

He is in the early stages of grieving for his marriage. He will do anything to appease his ex wife even though she cheated. You are not going to be No. 1 and you have to understand that. It will be many years before he feels free. There will be a divorce and all that entails, financial affairs to sort, sale of house possibly, issues with teenage kids. I would run a mile.

I am a long time divorced female and have never dated a newly separated man. I do not need to hear all the trauma, distress and bitchiness that goes on after a breakup. There will be no focus on you as a couple. Move on.

Big Bag of Chips

He is not ready for a relationship yet. If he has to sneak around, whether real or imagined, then he is not ready. He's actually being incredibly unfair on you.

If you can't be seen out together then how/where do you see each other? How long is this set up likely to continue - divorce can take years, especially if she wants to drag it out and make it difficult.

Why do you think this is the best you can hope for for yourself?

sabrina1979

He makes a few hours gor me on a Sunday but must leave then after 3 hours so his daughter doesn't start asking questions..he works Monday to Saturday crazy hours then only full day off is sunday....he said he doesn't want his kids finding out as she will use this as the reason they split.....I know im not getting what I need and its starting to be me only getting bare minimum..he told me he is 100 percent about me but ive noticed past week.he is a lot quieter with txts etc

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123320693#Comment_123320693

You're letting him call all the shots.

His needs are fulfilled, he's busy working crazy hours, then on his day off you're available. Your needs are nowhere near fulfilled.

YellowLead

Don’t settle for this. He’s not in a postion to have a relationship with anyone or even to be dating. This man is unavailable and selfish - don’t take crumbs when you could meet somebody who can have an equitable relationship with you. You may fear being alone (which presumably is why you haven’t run for the hills yet) but by clinging on to this rubbish, you’re missing out on the chance of meeting somebody else.
So do yourself a favor and end this before more time is wasted before the inevitable happens.

Dial Hard

OP, you've had a few threads at this point about relationships with men most people would have run an absolute mile from after the first or second date. I really, really think you need to knock the dating on the head for a while and do some work - preferably with a counsellor - on understanding why you keep ending up with emotionally unavailable men who do nothing but trigger your insecurities. May I ask if you've ever had a genuine, loving, secure long-term relationship?

I'm guessing from your username that you're 46 or thereabouts. Is it possible that you're so focused on settling down that you're fully prepared to just settle instead??? Please don't do that, you will 100% end up miserable.

Big Bag of Chips

It's easy to say he's 100% about you. But his actions don't match that. You get 3 hours out of a whole week - and he skidaddles off fairly quick when he's finished.

You mention he has to get back or his daughter will be asking questions. So he sees you for 3 hours on a Sunday - the only day, it seems, he has access with his daughter (because he works every hour God sends the other 6 days). To be honest if I was the mother I'd probably be pissed off with that too. His very brief access time with his daughters is meant to be time he spends with them.

I'd believe very little of what this lad is telling you. Not much of it is making sense.

should I just walk away from this mess

Yes. Absolutely.

sabrina1979

HHe Sees his son daily as his son works with him but only live 6 minutes away from ex wife and daughter I just get the impression Sunday is the day he keeps for his daughter I dont mind that. He does 12 hour shifts 5 days per week then half day Saturday after that he sees daughter on the Saturday for 2 hours and the Sunday for a few hours I suppose in reality he doesnt have time for a relationship and even to get a night away with him is like a huge problem time wise

Lesalare

After similar experience of dating men who are only recently separated, I would advice you to leave this relationship. He's only 8 months out of very long marriage. He needs to take time out to heal from the break up. You will end up baring the brunt of someone who is not emotionally or physically available to give you what you deserve.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058404822/dating-a-separated-man

Run, don't walk, away from this relationship.

The tale he is telling you sounds very tall.

If he is divorcing, why would he care what her family thinks? They have no influence on the Courts.

sabrina1979

It's over he ended it as I kept pushing the subject of what is he looking for he eventually caved and told me he thought he could move on with a new future but realised he cant until he fixes his past this comes after weeks telling me he was sure of me now after we slept together for the first time last week he has decided 4 days after sleeping together that he not ready to be with anybody he has since blocked me after I left him voice note explaining how used and disrespected I feel and what he is done is cruel to tell me he wants a relationship with me then sleep with me and then 4 days later end it and block me

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123325109#Comment_123325109

It is very hurtful and disappointing but he doesn't owe you anything at this early stage.

Look at it as a blessing that he is closing the door and not you because you know you'd be torn and second guessing yourself.

He has no time for a relationship or any kind of meaningful anything in his life with the crazy hours he works. Let him off!

steinbock123

You’ve just dodged a bullet. Be grateful you did.

Move on.

Big Bag of Chips

You should block him now and move on. Don't go back looking for answers or explanations. You won't get them and will only end up hurting. Keep your dignity now and don't chase him. This was never going to be a relaxed and easy relationship.

A lot of what he said doesn't add up. You would be forever trying to manage him and his situation. Not your problem. Not your responsibility. He may even have been lying about a lot of it. He may even have been seeing other people too. Whatever he is he certainly wasn't 100% about you like he said. His problem, not yours.

Move on now and don't get tempted to look for explanation. All you'll get is lies, with a bit of abuse thrown in for good measure.

Esel

Nobody works 5 x 12 hours Monday - Friday and a half-day Saturday. I would think that was a bare-faced lie.

sabrina1979

Yes I did think was crazy he said for 3 months of a year his job is like that where it's 12 hours x 5 then odd weekend off but I did start to question how any person can work them hours physically

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123325585#Comment_123325585

Maybe if he's self employed but not doing someone else's donkey work.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058404822/dating-a-separated-man

Ah girl get out.

He's not in the headspace. He's 17 years+ in love with her, there no way in hell he's over that.

Yes, the family courts can be brutal to men and he'll be hearing all kinds of conflicting advice from others/online but ask yourself if you deserve to have to deal with it

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123325109#Comment_123325109

I know you probably don't see it that way but he has done you a massive favour here.

I will reiterate my advice that I really think you need to work through why you always go for emotionally unavailable men with someone.

sabrina1979

They don't start out showing signs of been emotionally unavailable until I'm suckered in

sabrina1979

I'll admit I do get very attached fast maybe that's my problem

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123326310#Comment_123326310

To you, perhaps, but I guarantee many people would spot those signs a mile off. I mean how realistic was it really that a man who'd been married for 17 years was genuinely ready to date - let alone start an actual relationship - just 8 months after separating? That's literally a blink in the grand scheme of things.

This is why I really think you could do with some therapy/counselling. A happy, self-confident/self-aware person with a secure attachment style would never have even gone there in the first place.

I'm genuinely not saying these things to be cruel, OP. But like I said, this is clearly a pattern for you and I think you'd be much, much happier if you had the tools to help you break it.