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Child Item

Man I’m Seeing Never Around

babynice

We are both early 30s. I met him over 1 month ago. He is only ever available either week nights or late on Sunday evening as he travels to the family home every weekend to another county. Each time I have met him it’s been for dinner or having a non alcoholic drink in a pub. I have suggested other activities or meeting early in the weekend to do something different but he doesn’t budge. I suggested something different for the bank holiday weekend and he also said he won’t be available. There is almost little to no texting between the dates.

He’s mentioned some things going on in his family but it doesn’t make sense and I am beginning to wonder if he could have a girlfriend in this other county. Or most likely he is just not interested and kind of stringing me along. Is it best to give him a chance or call it a day?

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LambshankRedemption

To be honest the lack of texting between dates would be a bigger red flag for me than the going home every weekend. When you are dating someone, regular contact is surely the norm?

It's perfectly plausible that he has made a commitment to go home every weekend. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, but the week nights I was in Dublin, after 2-3 dates we were practically inseparable either in person or via text/calls.

babynice

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123251110#Comment_123251110

I agree with you that he doesn’t have to be telling me all his personal business.

It’s early days but still one would hope that over 5 weekends someone they are seeing could meet them one day out of one of the weekends at the very least. I don’t think it’s too much to expect but then I don’t know the whole story so he could be genuinely taken up or the interest just isn’t there.

babynice

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123251228#Comment_123251228

Yes I would always have been the same in the past after this amount of time and dates. I would consider consistent texting to be the norm as well.

LambshankRedemption

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123251448#Comment_123251448

After 2-3 dates I'd be expecting regular texts. I know some people are not big texters, and it doesnt need to be long chats, but I'd be expecting "how was your day" "I'm looking forward to thursday night" etc.

There is almost little to no texting between the dates.

After 5 weeks that would be worrying to me. Presumably there is no texting during the weekends either?

notAMember

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123251110#Comment_123251110

You wouldn't tell someone all of what?

"My granny is sick" is hardly super-secret personal info. It's something you'd say to a co-worker or a neighbour ffs.

As I said above, if you can't tell someone something fairly straightforward like this, you're not in the right headspace to be seeing them.

babynice

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123251629#Comment_123251629

I agree. It’s like there’s a disconnect. Very little texting at the weekend. Maybe one/two messages late Saturday night.

rolling boh

It looks like he's really not that into you or indeed he does have some sort of set up back home apart from his mother .Looks like he is at home anytime he's not working ,properly be at home for Easter etc. If he was really keen he would be in far more regular contact not just the odd late night text at the weekend proberly when it's quite at home .

YellowLead

For your own piece of mind try and address it with him soon or move on as this could go on indefinitely.
It’s likely one of the following is true:

He’s just not that into you (the most likely one)
He has a family or girlfriend at home
He’s a bad communciator
He’s a mommas boy who will never prioritise you

You could say something like ‘would you like to do x on Saturday. If he says no then - ‘do you see yourself going home every weekend indefinitely?’ He might open up if there’s a family problem but I think he would have mentioned that. My guess is he’ll fob you off and you have your answer then.

babynice

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123251714#Comment_123251714

I agree with you. He probably is not interested really. There is no texting only maybe the night before I am due to meet him, which is always either a Sunday late or a night mid week. A few times I text him but the same story just one or two messages and he will just emoji react to my reply. All I could say it is often him who suggests meeting up again the next time but as I said it’s only Sunday late or midweek and the same thing going to the pub or restaurant every time despite me suggesting other things. Reading that back now the answer seems obvious!

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123251676#Comment_123251676

It's one thing to say "oh my granny is sick". Completely different to "hey my granny is dying and we're providing round the clock care for her including doing shifts involving making her meals, moving her in bed, bringing her to the commode, getting her dressed etc. So unfortunately I can't meet up at the weekend as I'm not sure yet what 6 hour shift I'm doing". Which would explain more fully why I wouldn't be around at the weekend to someone I was seeing. But I wouldn't be sharing personal family information like that after a few weeks only.

LambshankRedemption

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123253255#Comment_123253255

Ok that's fine. But according to the OP, the guy hasn't said his granny is sick. He just said he goes home every weekend.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123253305#Comment_123253305

But has the question been asked as to why he goes home? Maybe he's just helping out at home (especially if it is a farm) & has done every since he moved away & hasn't really thought about it. My point was within the first month of dating, you haven't always told the other person everything in your life yet as you're only just seeing them. So instead of jumping to the conclusion that he must have a whole other family hidden down the country (who are happy not seeing him from Sunday evening through to Friday evening), maybe slow the horses & figure out if its something a lot more mundane than that.

LambshankRedemption

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123254183#Comment_123254183

In the OP it says "He’s mentioned some things going on in his family". Thats all I, you or the OP knows.

I don't know who came up with the sick granny theory, and I'm not reading back through the thread again.

All I know from my experience, if I was seeing someone for a month and Monday night to Friday night, or Sunday night to Thursday night as in this case, we were both in the same city, by now we would be on date number 4 at a minimum, and probably closer to date number 7 or 8. By that point I'd be wanting regular, even daily texting and a clearer understanding behind the weekly trips home.

As Ive said, the weekends at home wouldnt bother me, but the lack of communication, texts or calls really would.

From the additional posts the OP has made, I think either, he's not quite into her (Sorry OP!), or he doesn't know what he wants himself. Either way, I think she is best off out of it.

babynice

Thanks again for all advice and opinions.

I’ve since found out that there is no farm. It’s sounds like he helps out the family with work occasionally, though from what he said I’m not sure why he’d be there until late every Sunday. I seem to have got it wrong that he is not around this weekend. He is. He suggested meeting but if it will be the case that he is unavailable all weekend until 8pm etc I am going to ask is this a going to be happening every week (most likely it is judging so far). I also found out that there is no family member needing around the clock care or seriously ill (thankfully)

I have been on about 8 dates with him. He always seems keen to meet again at the end of the dates and I do enjoy them, but then I will not really hear much from him in between as I said.

I realise I sound OTT a few weeks in but I’ve had some bad experiences in relationships and tbh have found it hard to meet someone since so I’m just honestly a bit confused by his behaviour and don’t want to call it off too soon as he seems like a nice guy.

thereiver

Its very common for people to go home to rural areas every week. To see family and keep up with friends . Some people don't like to go out before 8 pm eg time to rest from the working day .just ask what he does at the weekend .is he close to his family . You need to be polite but if this is a serious relationship you should know what he does in Saturday Sunday

thereiver

He might want to spend time with his parents and make be help with basic chores like cutting grass etc

rolling boh

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123254588#Comment_123254588

I think the lack of contact while he is at home would make most people wonder what was the situation .If he wants a relationship he will have to improve on the communication side of things for a start .

thereiver

He should be texting you on sat ,Sunday at least a month is early days in a relationship his parents maybe old he may go out with his friends on the weekend he should at least tell you what he does at the weekend you deserve a proper explanation why is he being secretive does he view this as a serious relationship .,?does he txt u every day Monday to friday

osarusan

Whatever about him going home every weekend for whatever reason, you'd think that he'd want to explain a bit about why that is…he must realise that it's something that you'll be wondering about, and he'd want to reassure you.

babynice

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123255217#Comment_123255217

He doesn’t text everyday Monday to Friday. There is no regular texting throughout any day. Might get a text some evening of the week and there might be 3/4 messages tops. Same at the weekend, might get a text Saturday evening not much chatting usually asking about plans the next day (which are always that he will not be back until Sunday evening)

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123255253#Comment_123255253

He has never really explained it. First few weekends he said that he had to go home to help out with jobs. Then the following weekend he was to not go home and meet on Saturday but changed it to Sunday again due to a family reason, which is fair enough then but now 3 weeks later it just seems to be the norm.

thereiver

Give him two weeks then say politely. Eg what do you do in weekends ,. Do you want a serious relationship . So I will never see you it's only a Monday to Thursday arrangement eg he goes in friday .maybe he's spoiled treated. Like a king when he's at home great dinners breakfast free free drink

everything is free .200 channels wifi .50 inch tv .

Maybe he lives in a tiny flat with a 20 inch tv

Eg he can't bear to stay in Dublin .in a grotty flat .7 days a week .

There's a logical reason eg he has no friends in Dublin he goes drinking in weekends

Or else he's an undercover FBI agent who works 2 days a week

Google spy cops UK undercover

Is a Monday to Thursday relationship enough for you

Theres no good relationship without honesty and communication both ways

You sound as if you are hoping he's a good bf but you are afraid to ask too much

batistuta9

ring him Friday night or Saturday to see what he's at

Markus Antonius

Good grief! Op could you send us the relationship template you follow so we can see what your expectations are? Does it go something like

Month 1 - meet 4 days a week, text 3 hrs a day

Month 2 - bring home to parents

Month 3 - move in together

Month 4 - marriage

Month 5 - two children ( one boy, one girl of course)

Month 6 - divorce

--------

Constructive civil advice is what is expected in PI/RI as per the Charter - warning applied

thereiver

My advice is wait about 4 weeks. Ask him is dating just from Monday til Friday or Sunday evenings.is this ok with you , eg you won't see him from Friday evening til Sunday evening

if this turns into a serious relationship will that be ok with you you are only at the casual dating stage .you may see him at most 4 days a week

He maybe has good friends and family he wants to see at the weekend his family might depend on him to do errands or jobs round the house .he may not have many friends in Dublin .

thereiver

My friend used to go home every week on Friday and come back to Dublin for 3 years to see her friends and family .it's tougher now eg rent is expensive he may live in a house share or a small one bed flat .eventually she made new friends in Dublin so she might go home once every 6 weeks. His parents might depend on him to do chores or shopping .

It takes time to make friends in Dublin as close as the friends from your home town .

Just don't be harsh it's casual dating at some point it may develop into a more serious relationship

thereiver

Eg the first 3 years she was in Dublin I wonder what age his parents are 60 -70 they may depend on him to some extent

ax530

Could it be that his accommodation is Mon - Fri. I know people who rent rooms out with this limitation.

With his work may not have access to phone during day for ongoing texting

kowloonkev

It's not rocket science. At the beginning of a relationship he should be all over you if he's really interested. He sounds like a 60 year old bachelor.

lawred2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123254546#Comment_123254546

Do you text him to initiate conversation?

watchclocker

Has there been any intimacy?

You obviously haven't slept with him as you've only met in the pub (ad he doesn't sound like the adventurous type)

Has there been kissing, passion, any of that, or does it feel more like you are just providing a bit of company during the week?