What did the little girl with no legs and no arms get for Christmas?
Cancer.
I just got home from work. I walked into the kitchen and I heard voices coming from the fridge. It sounded like an onion singing a BeeGees song. When I opened the fridge door I saw it was just chives talking!!!
Clear nail varnish makes an excellent Tippex substitute for when you haven’t made a mistake.
Save money on expensive binoculars by simply standing closer to something you want to look at.
My mate's girlfriend said if he didn't do page 7 of the Kama sutra she would leave him.
It put him in a very difficult position.
Why are some letter boxes are inscribed "Post", while some post boxes are inscribed "Letters"?
In the USA, the mailman delivers the post. In the UK, the postman delivers the mail.
You can send a shipment by car but cargo goes on a ship.
Will that car park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?
TOP TIP: If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my advice, hit it with a ship…
I've seen people do that, it works!
I buy all my furniture and bathroom fittings from a local Chinese restaurant.
Last night I ordered a Suite and Shower
A solicitor woke up in the hospital after surgery.
He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?”
The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
’I won’t back down’ - Tom Petty
‘I’ll meet you half way’ - Tom Reasonable
A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound.
Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.
I went to the doctor, told him I feel like a piece of luggage. He said he’s never seen a case like it.
Christian Bale: I am Batman.
Christian Braille: ⠊ ⠁⠍ ⠃⠁⠞⠍⠁⠝
I wonder how many vampires have been run over by drivers who reverse only using their mirrors...
Went to a Fetish Restaurant in Soho and got toed in the hole.
Not a lot of people know this but the singer Bill Withers had a brother called Bear, who wrote telephone hold music.
“What do you do for a living?”
Me. “I'm a spy”
“Why are you dressed as a shepherd?”
Me. “I'm a shepherd spy”
Saw our infamous Town Flasher who we thought had retired?
He said “No I’ve decided to stick it out for another year”
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere
Beware of competitions for oversized cup collections.
It a mugs game.
Had to google an explanation….Hi jack 😁
What do drums and people have in common? They both make a noise if you hit them with a stick.
I can’t help being lazy, it walks in the family…
What black and white and can be found in the back garden?
A gazebra.
A widow is sitting at her husband's funeral
A man asks her: "mind if I say a word?". "No, of course not", the woman answers. The man stands, clears hos throat says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"
My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.
I asked him if it was working ok...
He said “It’s fine apart from a bit of crackling...”
The wife and I took up woodworking. My friend said he didn't know we were carpenters.
I replied
...
"We've only just begun".
