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Child Item

Partner is depressed and bringing me down

Peppermint23

Hi. Hoping someone who has been in a similar situation can offer some advice.

I am with my partner 12 years and we have two very small children. He has been working abroad for the past few years trying to grow a business. Unfortunately things haven’t gone how he would have liked and he is in the process of wrapping things up over there and moving home.

He has no degree/qualifications and thinks he’s not going to be able to find a decent job (which I know is not true). He’s completely lost himself the past few years. He’s gained around 4 stone after always being fit and healthy before. He constantly oversleeps. It’s now midday on a workday and I’m working from home and he’s in bed. I got up at 6.45 sorted kids and dropped to crèche, went gym and then came home and started work. We had an argument because I asked him to get up. I cannot take the lack of motivation anymore.

He says he’s depressed and I have tried everything in my will to persuade him to get the help he needs. He is an absolutely wonderful father and can be a wonderful partner too but I don’t know how I can help him anymore.

I would love to stay with him but I just feel like as the days go on I’m falling out of love with him due to his selfishness. He prioritises his sleep and rest over everything. Often sleeping up to 14hours. I am doing well to get 6-7.

I know he’s depressed but he is also making me depressed. I often fantasise about a life without him and his laziness but also couldn’t imagine life without him because he is my best friend.

Does anyone have any advice on how to help a loved one who just won’t help themselves?

TIA

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[Deleted User]

Has he tried various anti depressants? I'm sure he is depressed but he does have a responsibility to try and access help.

Doop

Its sounds like hes very unwell with depression, sometimes its hard to see the wood form the trees when you are the one in the middle of it. He needs to go to the GP and start the ball rolling, its one step at a time but the first is to go to the GP. I think he needs to recognise that he is not well currently and can recover. But you should try to facilitate him to seek help preferably without an ultimatum (i'll leave if you dont get help). Its not easy but he has to want the help and to take it seriously that he is 'not right' currently.

All of the external… factors jobs / locations can be dealt with when his mental heath has recovered.

LastApacheInjun

I'm afraid you'll have to get pushy with him. Make an appointment (in the afternoon) for him with the GP. Take a half day and drive him there, and wait in the waiting room until he comes out. He'll likely get a medication prescription. You'll have to go to the pharmacy and get the medication. For the first three or four weeks, you'll have to make sure he takes the medication every day. You'll possibly have to get the glass of water, give him the tablets and watch him take them. Hopefully it'll be the right dose and he'll start to produce dopamine and seratonin again, which means he'll need less sleep and should have the motivation to start taking the medication himself. The drugs will only get you to a certain point - after that he's going to have to go to talk therapy, exercise etc. After that it will be the case of ensuring he continues to go to counselling, exercises and eats well to prevent another episode. Best case scenario he can come off the drugs at some point in the future, but more likely he'll be titrated to a certain basic level.

The very very best of luck.

Peppermint23

Really appreciate all your responses. I had to get out for a walk there and when I came back he was very upset. I booked the doctor for today and he’s agreed to attend the appointment so fingers crossed he gets the help he needs. Thanks again.

Peppermint23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123120055#Comment_123120055

He did years ago and says he won’t take them. He didn’t take them properly and sure we know how they need to be taken consistently. Hopefully he will just take whatever help given. I have used antidepressants in the past and found them to be a major help. Never understood the stigma.

charlessmith22

You want to be equals not somebodies mother or carer. It's absolutely natural in such cases to fall out of love and lose attraction, and that's very conflicting when you care deeply for someone.

You won't be able to thrive in your feminine when you have to take on all responsibilities for keeping the family and household together.

If he isn't willing to take the steps to try get better you shouldn't feel guilty about walking away.

jimmycrackcorm

Have you told him exactly what you've said here?
I know it pouts pressure on him being depressed but he's unlikely to do anything while he thinks you're unaffected.

Peppermint23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123120610#Comment_123120610

Yes absolutely. I have always been firm with him on what needs to change but equally told him he’ll have my support no matter what happens. I love our little family so much but I also deserve to be happy and not constantly have to mother him/support him.

I’ve booked a GP appointment for him today and have him no choice. It’s either get the help he needs or that’s it because I can’t take anymore.

Deja Boo

To sum up HIS mindset and circumstances, he has been living away from the family he loves (your words - he has been a good father and husband) in order to support his 2 children, his hopes for a business have failed, he has no formal education and thinks he has no employable skills nor prospects, he has gained weight and taken refuge in sleep (when he was active before), and as you say "he’s completely lost himself the past few years."

That is a heavy burden on anyone ….so now (in addition to all the mountain of worries he can't sort through), you've given him an ultimatum, adding an additional major burden of anxiety, that of potentially losing his family/support system and home-base if he doesn't get his act together…. sound about right?

…I’m falling out of love with him due to his selfishness.
.…I often fantasise about a life without him and his laziness
Does anyone have any advice on how to help a loved one who just won’t help themselves?

Given those rather judgmental words ^ my advice would be for you to attend counseling along with him, to better understand what depression really is and how it significantly impacts a person's ability to function. Your description of him and his worries do not sound like that of a selfish person, and what you deem as laziness is a coping mechanism. In the counseling session, discuss ways you can support him and each other as you all move through these difficult times - since clearly depression affects an entire family.

RobbingBandit

Post COVID many businesses have fallen and failed with Brexit too it has screwed up people in trades as stock freely available from the UK is now a hazardous calamity for many. Strong vibrant business men have been left behind with pitiful support from the government and taxes and rent being sought for the period of closure only getting worse with compound interest and threats of insolvency.

These types are not the kind that will seek help they will silently struggle to try to make ends meet and battle against going to doctors for help which is admirable but dangerous for many the clouds have opened and the storms are raging beyond support now.

charlessmith22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123121303#Comment_123121303

Most people have difficulties at points in their life, character is how you deal with them. His response to adversity is chosing to give up and let his wife provide 100% for his family while he mopes about.

She's perfectly entitled to get frustrated in this situation, she's perfectly entitled to want more for her life.

[Deleted User]

It is a hard balancing act for sure, but that man can’t be let not make an effort to get better, it’s not just himself, other people are affected.

dubrov

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123121794#Comment_123121794

But depression isn't rational.

Most people think if you feel depressed you should want to take action to make things better but it doesn't work like that.

The OP needs to help him to take incremental steps to address his problems and seeing a GP is a good start. You'd be surprised how many people listen to doctors.

Everyone has their limits though so it shouldn't be a life sentence either.

[Deleted User]

Why not try therapy first and if he has reached the limit of what he can do with that then look into meds. What he’s feeling is not a disease, it’s a natural response to suffering that has spiralled.

I understand the situation is effecting you just as much as him but meds can have side effects and even worse effects in withdrawal. If he feels the potential benefits are worth those risks and that he has exhausted the other options (lifestyle, will power and therapy) then he could make the choice.

I don’t mean to come across contrarian and I hope this post doesn’t come across that way.

RoyalCelt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123120579#Comment_123120579

This could happen to the man or woman in the relationship and I don't believe giving up is the answer. Look out for eachother. Before even considering leaving your partner because they're depressed you should make a real effort to get them help.

charlessmith22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123122508#Comment_123122508

She says the spiral has been a few years now, that's a decent chunk of life.

People have been through much worse than him and not got into the woe is me cycle.

We've come full circle on mental health where the "it's OK to not be OK" message is being misinterpreted by many to just not try, and then in turn the bad eating and lazing about(her words) makes everything 100 times worse. He needs to leave his ego aside that he may need to get a crap job for a while and his wife might be the primary bread winner but he's setting a terrible example for his kids right now and these cycles tend to pass down.

-------------------------------------

Warned: It is clear you know very little about mental health. Do not offer dismissive advice such as above on a topic you know little about.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123120724#Comment_123120724

Well done OP, I hope he went to the GP and he got something from it.

If it is depression there's little he can do about it by himself. There sometimes can be a fairly naive view of depression that you just need to cop on to yourself, realise how lucky you are and get over it. If only it actually worked that way. There's no doubt it is draining to live with, especially with small children and a house to run. But remember, if it is depression he's not doing it on purpose to be lazy.

Well done on getting him help. I hope you both can get passed it. Is there family near by that can help you?

Peppermint23

Thanks a million everyone. We had a really good chat and he is relieved after attending the GP. He was prescribed medication and is going to try that along with counselling. I’m so happy he’s getting the help he needs. I’ll be making sure he takes the meds he’s been prescribed and attends the counselling sessions and hopefully he’ll see the light soon.

His ego for sure took a major knock and I do feel for him genuinely that things didn’t work out but we have to keep going for our kids and not lie down and accept defeat.

pauly58

Depression is a terrible thing. My wife of nearly 40 years has got it, it's very difficult sometimes, she says things & I bite back, she's not herself, she's on medication & things have stabilized. You both have my sympathy, I hope your husband does okay on the medication & I can certainly empathize with how you feel.

Peppermint23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123121303#Comment_123121303

I have always empathised with him how difficult it must be for him being away from his children. I have always put his needs before mine. However, why should I have to continuously suffer as a result of him refusing to get help? I work full time in town, manage the house, have two very small children in crèche that I barely see midweek while I’m working and do you know what - I happen to be suffering in the midst of it all too! What did I do? I went and got help and was prescribed an SSRI that has massively helped me be the best parent to my children and partner to him while I juggle everything else. I am simply asking that he do the same.

I have a very good understanding of depression. My father has struggled with his mental health and has treated my mother badly at times throughout the years, and to be honest I don’t think it (depression) can be used as an excuse. His depression also had an effect on the family and I do feel sad sometimes when I think of what my poor mam had to put up with.

For you to insinuate that I am judgmental because I’m at my wits end trying to help someone I love (who has refused repeatedly), is, with respect, pure nonsense. I have tirelessly supported him through everything at a detriment to my own mental health.

Luckily he has now attended a GP and got help but the road to this point has been a nightmare and I think I’m fully within my rights to express how difficult he is making my life. I love him and care for him deeply, but I can also be pissed off and fed up trying to help him get better when he won’t do anything to help himself.

Peppermint23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123123600#Comment_123123600

So sorry to hear this. It sure is tough. Hope both you and your wife are doing well. Thank you

NiceFella

FWIW, I've seen this with a friend of mine who had a business that ultimately didn't work out. He put absolutely everything he had into it money, but more importantly a massive amount of time and effort. When it didn't go his way, it took something from him that had him down for a fair while. He really really wanted it and he was absolutely burnt out after it was finished.

Fair play OP for taking action, depression is a tough one and needs to be handled delicately. People who think it's just a mental shake up that's needed have no idea of the complexity of it. The people who suffer from it are genuinely unwell and need to reset themselves via meds and talking through the issues that put them there. Hope all goes well.

Curse These Metal Hands

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123123627#Comment_123123627

I struggled with depression for years. I've lost count of how many times I was labelled as selfish and lazy during the lowest periods of my life.

The fact was that I was in a spiral and couldn't think logically until I was out of it.

Sounds like he made a huge sacrifice to work abroad and is crushed that it failed. Probably feels like he has let you all down. I would be careful of using judgmental language and name calling, his weight gain and over sleeping are classic symptoms of serious depression. Threats to pull the rug from under him will make it worse, could introduce anxiety.

Just because you sought help doesn't mean he should just be able to pull himself together and get help as easily. Everyone is different and he isn't thinking clearly right now. Empathy goes a long way.

Peppermint23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123123720#Comment_123123720

With respect, you have absolutely no idea. It’s been 12 years.

Firstly, where did I say in my post I gave him an ultimatum? I said I am struggling to cope with him not seeking help and struggling go on as it’s affecting my mental health. I didn’t tell him “snap out of it or I’m gone”. I just offered him help, as I always do.

FYI I approach this whole situation with great empathy so for you to infer the opposite is utter nonsense. I am simply venting here as I’m struggling to watch someone I love self destruct and was asking for advice as I don’t know what I can do anymore.

Also - where did I say I called him lazy and selfish to his face? His laziness and selfishness is a fact. I’m fully aware it’s a symptom of depression and I don’t think he’s doing this deliberately or thinking rationally. My children are paramount and I want the best for them, including a healthy, happy dad. He is a wonderful person and has amazing attributes - which I remind him about daily.

Fortunately, most people on this post have offered great advice ie booking a GP for him, collecting prescription etc. instead of trying to paint me as some unsympathetic wagon.

Curse These Metal Hands

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123124410#Comment_123124410

I'm not trying to paint you as anything. My advice that is that words such as "lazy" and "selfish" are judgmental words that shouldn't be used against a sick person.

The best piece of advice you got, in my opinion, was to attend counselling with him to learn how destructive judgmental language like that can be.

It's a tough situation, best of luck.

cluelessoz

There's no good in telling your husband he's selfish and lazy. He is depressed. He already feels **** about himself. He cannot function in a healthy way at the moment. Be a little more empathetic, calling someone those can cause more harm than good, you really need to realise that.

anewme

It is a very difficult situation for both. She didn't call him selfish and lazy to his face. She's becoming frustrated with doing everything and it reads likes she's running on empty and close to burnout.

No one should sacrifice their own life for anyone else and the OP was honest and said she was at her wits end.

OP does not show a lack of empathy, she is saying she too is about to snap; everyone has their breaking point and should not be castigated for it.

Peppermint23

Where in my post did I say I called him lazy and selfish to his face? I am venting on this platform seeking advice. How I approach him is entirely different to what I’ve written here. I spend most of my days walking on eggshells and have put an enormous amount of time and energy trying to get him well.

As I said before, I am fully aware laziness is a symptom of depression but do you propose I just go on doing absolutely everything until I reach breaking point? What a ridiculous, non-sensical comment.

Peppermint23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123125874#Comment_123125874

Thank you for actually reading the post and understanding where I’m coming from. I would never kick him while he’s down but am also allowed feel how I feel - completely at my wits end.

TheChizler

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123120724#Comment_123120724

That last line is a little concerning if it went down exactly as you say. Ultimatums are rarely helpful, you need to want the thing being demanded. I really hope it works out.