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New boyfriend earns substantially more than me and I can't keep up with him

Teapot30

He is very much a split everything down the middle person, and I am too, except I earn 25k a year, and he's on more than double what I earn. Im also very aware how women can look like scroungers to men when they dont pay half, I always pay my share and if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than ive bought him he'll let me know and I always make it up. He knows how much I earn and he knows I have allot more expenses than him, despite this I feel like he doesnt take into consideration my low income and just expects me to be able to go on nights out, get takeaways, holidays ect.. Ive tried to communicate with him but it doesnt make a difference. He will still plan things and just expect me to be able to go, if I dont have money he offers to lend it to me.. Im not sure what I should do.

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HildaOgdenx

Mod - As the OP has not returned to the thread for some time, I'm closing it at this point. OP, if you wish to have the thread reopened, please PM me or any of the PI mods.

Thanks all who took time to give advice.

Randycove

I’ve had married friends who do this, pay into a joint account and agreed amount to cover bills, kids costs etc and then keep what’s left to themselves. Generally it means one has a great life on the golf course and driving anAudi, while the other rarely goes out and drives a Fiat.

I said had, because all three couples are divorced and money was one of the main factors.

Get out now OP, life is too short.

sporina

you deserve better
feck him!
you deserve better

Beta Ray Bill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122782766#Comment_122782766

I'd be ending the relationship.

He will be like that forever. You're wasting time. If I was out with my GF and I bought more drinks or she bought more drinks I would NEVER ask her for money, nor she would with me.

The only way money makes you truly happy is when you spend it on people you care about.

Claw Hammer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122782080#Comment_122782080

The can be disposable income as in what he takes home after tax but there can be disposable income after living expense are paid. If he is living at home with his mother for free and the o/p is in a rented flat, disposable income can be very different.

boredatwork82

He sounds mean and unreasonable.

The 50:50 should be a guide. If he earns double you, you should pay 1/3 of something ye do together and he should pay 2/3.

We have a unspoken rule in my relationship where I always put in more morning to the social fund for food,drinks etc, as to be honest men tend to eat and drink more than women. So it's also not fair to be 50:50 from that point of view either .

Also if he was any kind of a normal human he would be aware that you are not as well off as him and he would be very careful and considerate with suggesting things.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - Some posts deleted.

As per the charter: Personal Issues is an advice forum.

Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

Thanks.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122782263#Comment_122782263

Autism is a scale. Please stop narrowing it down to one trait or another. It's not good. We're all somewhere on that scale.

The ops question is about the new boyfriend. If he's autistic, who care. The question was how the poster deals with their concerns.

Get out of dodge op. Only going to get worse and it sounds quite controlling. If you're stressed this early…it ain't going to get better.

YellowLead

OP I don’t understand why you are still with him? I’m a big fan of 50/50 - but doing things both people can afford. If one person wants to do something more expensive then they should cover it or not do it - rather than insist the other person joins in and pays. Thats what’s weird about this whole situation, he sounds controlling. And you have communicated clearly?

Borrowing money to be in a relationship is a new level - how is your self esteem? Are you happy being single as well as in a relationship? Just something to think about - because healthy relationships don’t require getting into debt to participate.

Hyperbollix

I had a buddy like this when I was younger. He came from a long line of misers so couldn't escape it. Nice fella and a good laugh but would be counting every ha'penny you'd owe him. In my experience with people like this, money is their first consideration in everything they do and valuing friendship/relationships are a distant second. No big deal when it comes to platonic friends who only see each other occasionally and have no money issues cropping up, but it certainly is a big deal when it comes to a partner.

Also, for a man who earns twice what his girlfriend does to carry on like this, is to me a giant red flag. He will be nothing but a drain on your soul. The money thing is probably only the tip of the iceberg.

jrosen

I see both sides, he needs to be more understanding about your financial limits and you need to set firmer boundaries. New relationship so its not his responsibility to fund you but equally he needs to accept and understand that you are not in the same position as him.

My husband earns considerably more than I do, always has. We worked on a whoever asked paid when we started to date first. It worked out pretty well. Every date doesnt have to cost money either so maybe a chat about doing some free stuff would be a good idea.

kirving

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122787185#Comment_122787185

They also state:

Im also very aware how women can look like scroungers to men when they dont pay half, I always pay my share

The OP has a number of posts about money (emergency taxed for 8 months, cost of commuting) and has said that their earnings are relatively low for the moment - so is clearly (and understandably, IMO) hyper-aware about money.

I do tend to take posts on here at face value, but given the awareness about money, and the above quote, I'm just wondering if this is self imposed pressure? Is the OP asking first, and then he "lets her know"? That would change the scenario entirely.

In a recent enough post too, the OP mentions that their boyfriend is "attentive, kind, mature, confident and makes a huge effort with dates" so this thread is either:

A contradiction to their previous statement about the same guy
The same guy has drastically changed (or got sick of making effort that wasn't reciprocated due to OP's money situation and is now getting tight)
A direct comparison to previous guy who was on the opposite end of the spectrum made huge effort

Melling Road

It's very obvious what needs doing with this gent. Dump and fast.

Patrick2010

Borrowing money from your boyfriend so you can go on dates with him????

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

tara73

OP, forget all the comments trying to figure out why you could be in the wrong. I go from just your original OP, and that's enough info for me to be in line with the mostly unisono advice here to get rid of this guy, the sooner the better.

but then, in your last post, you don't seem to even give this a thought. you just defend him and all your conclusion is to say more 'no to him', whatever this should achieve.

you don't tell us about his good sides or traits, which I guess he must have otherwise you wouldn't be so sure to continue with him, especially as this is a relatively new relationship.

you seem like a level headed person, but somethings not adding up here.

anyway, I wish you all the best with this guy as I sense you are not considering breaking up with him.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122784100#Comment_122784100

Yeah, a guy who…

if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than I've bought him he'll let me know

doesn't want her to feel like a burden with his loan offer….

Run.

Sardonicat

Oh, good God, OP! He's living at home, earning significantly more money than you with far less outlays and you are having to borrow from your parents to pay him back for your share of nights out?! He is not a decent guy. Get shot of him. These character traits will go deeper than money, mark my words.

walshb

Some posts are getting hung up and side-tracked on analysing earnings and expenses etc, missing the actual issue.. a boyfriend acting obsessively finicky about a few measly quid here and there. Displaying (in my view) odd and strange behaviour. What easy going down to earth normal person wonders and worries about having bought their girlfriend a few more drinks last night and making sure she knows this in order to get it back..😖

[Deleted User]

He's very tight. I'd get out quickly.

notAMember

The new information changes my perspective a bit.

With a master’s degree you are highly educated and have started on a pay scale. I’m assuming either civil service or vocational like teacher or nursing. Super secure jobs, very important for society and have benefits long term when raising a family. But you’re capped in income, you’ll do ok but won’t be loaded.

Pragmatically, women in careers like this do better with a higher earning partner long term. It’s a great partnership and balance of roles.

But a new boyfriend who also sees this might be wary of new relationship and getting “trapped” in marriage too quickly , or be trying to prove to himself or friends that you are not a freeloader.

My advice is the same, be open and honest about your own financial means and let him know you also don’t want to freeload at this stage in a relationship, so you both need to dial down the expenses in order to continue.

Down the road a bit, if that works (I mean him taking on board your perspective ) you can have a discussion about long term goals and how life together would work financially, if you see it going that way.

Purple Mountain

Good God. He's a "new" boyfriend and you're already paying him back money. And it's not even money you asked him for in an emergency. It's to pay him back to go on dates with him!

There are so many questions I could ask but my response would be the same- walk away, better still- run.

Idbatterim

A few things op, it would be interesting to know what age you are. Best option is to simply target high paying jobs.... the cost of not doing that these days, is a financial straight jacket. Well it certainly is, if you want kids or to love in a decent area of one of our bigger " towns" or dublin.

How much does a bottle of prosecco and picnic cost ... virtually nothing, its intimate and a change from being robbed in pubs...

kirving

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122782766#Comment_122782766

Yeah, I had had asked for the further detail previously to help set the scene a bit better. As an example, at one point, I was earning around €15k more than my GF, but all of that was going into running a car, so I had zero extra disposable income.

€4000 payments + €2500 fuel + €636 tax + €500 maintenance + €700 insurance: €8,336 per year from my net income.

Your expenses do seem to be genuinely higher than his though.

It was between two friends, one working and one in college, not a couple, but I've seen situations where one of my friends offered to "loan" money to another so that they could come on nights out on a regular enough basis.

Friend A offered a "loan", so that Friend B (getting the money) didn't feel like they were getting a handout or were being a burden.

They key point was that Friend A never actually expected the money back, they used the word "loan" with the best of intentions trying to protect B's feelings, while allowing them to come along.

Is he pressuring you to pay it back, or are you putting that pressure on yourself? Is this for drinks only, or spending in general?

What I mean is - does he have a bit of a complex around buying drinks specifically, but for general expenses around dates/going out, is he offering a "loan" with the intention to keep you from feeling like a burden?

pgj2015

The first reply says dump him, 76 people and counting agree with that reply. I think that is telling. I have gone on dates and spent money on them and on friends who hadn't money at the time, I couldn't care less about that money, its gone and forgotten, its not normal to be keeping score like your boyfriend is.

This guy isn't a keeper.

reactadabtc

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122781912#Comment_122781912

It's fun!

Wezz

You're update is equally as concerning as your first post! Who is insisting you pay him back, him or you? Unless someone specifically gives me a loan then I am going to assume any drinks bought in the course of a night out are on them. Who is making the calculations for this amount you owe? Is this to be the pattern of your relationship going forward?

Why do dates have to be things that involve spending money? What is wrong with having a night in front of the tv or going for a walk? Live within your means.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with the others here who say get the hell out.

I see sheep

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122782766#Comment_122782766

He's a tosser.

deirdremf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122782766#Comment_122782766

pay back money to my parents that ive borrowed to go out with him or to cover dates

This sounds like madness to me, you are borrowing money to go out with this person?

You have a car, he doesn't - do you ever pick him up? If so, work out the costs of each km you drive him (petrol, insurance, road tax, upkeep, depreciation etc), and ask him for the money back. His reaction will tell you a lot.

Princess Calla

Where are you going on dates that you've had to borrow money off your parents etc to be able to go out?

I've always paid my way but never needed to borrow money to go out even in my student days.

Personally I wouldn't be able to put up with the level of money watching that's going on here.

This is the start of a relationship where you're trying to put "your best self" forward....if this is his best self??

Where does it end......he has shown you who he is....so are you going to end up in debt just to be his girlfriend?

Meanness just isn't an attractive trait. Plus don't be putting him before your friends....I suspect your friends will be around longer than he is

deirdremf

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