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Perspective

anon999

Hi, I'm middle aged, we'll I'm in my 50s now so maybe that's being optimistic but I was made redundant at the end of June. I was with that company for nearly 4 years but thought i would be there much longer. I've built up quite a lot of experience in my area, tech writing and user experience writing but I'm constantly looking over my shoulder because of AI, you have to bring more and more to the table these days.

Anyways, I've done some interviews, 3 for one particular company but haven't heard anything back from them since the last one 3 weeks ago. I've applied for 20+ roles so far and constantly looking out for new roles. The redundancy was decent so I'm not under huge pressure except I had a huge row with my wife earlier. This has been brimming for a while, she's working in the public service so her job is secure but she's pushing me to look for roles that I've no experience in or roles that I know I won't have a hope of getting. My plan was to give it a few months and if I don't get something then I would broaden my search. Well, I really felt under pressure because she was mad and shouting at me and I called her the c word. I'm not proud of it but in that moment, she was. She's been on about buying more stuff for the house but I'm holding off until I get something. She stormed out of the house and will no doubt play the victim now, I really don't need this.

Has anyone any advice or perspective? I do feel my age and ethnicity are against me also given all the push for diversity, etc.

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Rows Grower

Have a nice cup of tea and relax, it'll all be better in the morning.

Dial Hard

First of all, follow up with the company you've done several rounds of interviews with. It's still silly season, decision makers are away, etc. Three weeks isn't a huge amount of time in the grand scheme of things. Pick up the phone to whoever you were dealing with and let them know you're still available and interested.

Secondly, make sure your LinkedIn is up to date and your profile is set to "Open to opportunities" or whatever it's called these days. That setting can only be seen by recruiters, not every Tom, Dick and Harry who looks at your page. I know people don't rate LinkedIn but I've got my last three jobs through direct approaches to me on it.

Finally, apologise to your wife for using the C word, but tell her you also need some time to process what she said to you. Suggest that you both take a day or two to calm down and re-centre yourselves, then sit down and talk about things calmly and constructively.

Fwiw, some people just panic at the thought of being out of work. I was let go earlier this year and my sister could not understand why I wouldn't just take literally any job I could get, because that's what she would do. Whereas I was more rational about it and was very aware that in my industry, you're only as good as the last role on your cv so had to be quite strategic about what I was prepared to apply for. We had so many rows about what she saw as my fussiness/laziness that I eventually just told her the topic was no longer up for discussion. Obviously that's not really an option for you and your wife, but it may help you understand where she's coming from.

Anyway, the very best of luck, with both the job search and at home.

Oh, and if you haven't done so already, get on Jobseekers Benefit. You mightn't "need" it just yet, but you're entitled to it, it can be a bit more of a buffer building up under you and it might put your wife's mind even somewhat at ease.

Limericklad142

the person who suggested to have a cup of tea must have no clue what it's like to be made redundant, complete lack of empathy there. I'd echo the points above, it's not easy and there's also a fear factor as you get older that companies will always look for someone younger but you have the experience and these days that counts for so much. Stick with it and hopefully you will get a break soon.

[Deleted User]

Hey op, I was 38 when I was hurled out to pasture following two hard years of unpaid slog to attain a qualification and work placement in my field of experience. It was pretty horrible time in a toxic environment and despite being over qualified for the role I was passed over for someone younger and less qualified who had connections. Because I made an official complaint I had every door closed to me and was no longer able to obtain employment in my line of work. I've been retired ever since. I did try to go back to education (again) and do voluntary work but I had very few options and little support. I even got rejection letters for cleaning roles so I gave up job seeking.

There's no way I could imagine now ten years later being even remotely eligible for any kind of work and having been out of the system for so long no longer feel capable of doing any. (nor do I want to) If you have a partner, redundancy funds and have just left the employment system recently you're probably doing much better than most and will no doubt be able to obtain equal status work due to your circumstances.

You posted in relationship issues also and are clearly dealing with your own personal grievances as a result of all this so maybe it's time to go and have a chat with someone professionally and get some perspective. Turn2me provide online supports specifically dealing with workplace issues.

Andrea B.

A little bit off topic....but maybe not.

If not doing it already, while you are going through this process of job hunting, make sure you rise from the bed before or at same time as your partner.

Ensure they have zero house duties etc. to do / bring a coffee to them in bed... whatever.

Spend time adding value in different ways. It goes a long way in reducing potential resentment.

anon999

Some very good points, thanks for all the suggestions. I've updated my LinkedIn profile, I'm in the process of setting myself up for freelance work so at least hopefully I might get something to keep me going and keep the cv ticking over. I try and maintain the same routine during the week, the morning working on portfolios and looking for jobs and any jobs that need doing around the house in the afternoon.

I've also found Grow to be a great support.

skallywag

What is your wife's reason for her reaction? Considering that you say that things are in a pretty ok shape for now due to the redundancy I do not really see why should react like that? The approach which you are taking sounds reasonable to me.

Xterminator

What is your wife's reason for her reaction?

On a personal level the wife is looking at shouldering the majority of the financial burden now as i assume the redundancy for under 4 years of service is not going last much longer if they have been spending it in lieu of wages. Or wife may already be paying for more than she used to with both wages to preserve the redundancy balance, and has to reduce their quality of life & discretionary expenditure.

In addition she has been going to work for months now while OP has been searching for work. As an earlier poster suggested We don't know how much of the housework burden OP has taken on in the interim. As a short term measure it would certainly help to be seen to make an effort.

Reading between the lines in OPs post there is a relationship tension there that isn't fully explained. And that's okay if OP doesn't want to share sensitive or identifiable facts.

If op has not landed the job he wants in 3 months then it might indeed be time to look outside the current search parameters. Its not like she put his name down for McDonalds. Sometimes it is practical to take a job for now to pay bills and look for desired job/field while working.

Compromise and communication would be my advice. Its a partnership and OP needs to ensure he sees things from her perspective too.

From original post i noticed OP does not appear to understand the partners reaction. Instead OP claimed they would be 'playing the victim card' later. OP also claimed their ethnicity (as well as age) was against them because of a push for diversity hires. Yet all the evidence of the irish workplace contradicts this negative view. Certainly moves towards diversity have happened and as the saying goes “When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression."

Its all to easy to get depressed and entertain a negative thoughts when you have had a blow like redundancy. OPs partner may be taking tough love approach. It might be warranted.

anon999

Thanks for your reply. I just want to address a couple of things. You make the point that my wife now shoulders the financial burden. The thing is, in the past I was always the bigger earner but it was never an issue, it was never brought up in an argument by me because it isn't an issue. My frustration and the reason I lashed out was because I knew, as soon as something like this happens, it would be an issue for her. She has since apologised but I do feel we have yet to have a proper conversation about it to prevent it happening again.

I have always shared the workload at home, never quite as much as my wife as she has an incredible work ethic but I do my bit.

In relation to the diversity thing, my point is that if a job hire comes down to 2 people who are suitably qualified and experienced, I believe, rightly or wrongly, white males are at the bottom of the pile. I've seen it in the past where this is a really important issue for companies, especially US owned.

At the moment, I'm applying for everything in my area and looking to do some freelance work also. It would be difficult to get a different role because one look at my CV and they might assume I'll be gone when I get something in my area of work

Kurooi

Perspective, you were only made redundant in June. It's normal enough to take several months to find a job. The more experience, the more particular, specific skillset you have the longer it takes.

Try and keep up the energy and confidence, maybe by mixing things up, try a new CV or try recruiters. The worst thing you can do is lose faith and start moping around from interview to interview. Do them right. Show your best. In meantime, do see the value in time at home. Spend more time together, do some DIY, cook dinner, exercise. Keep yourself going. You lost the salary but gained back the free time, use it, enjoy it. Life is a marathon not a sprint, this is just a short break to catch a break in between a lifetime of work.

Whatever job you find and take on you will likely be in for years, and possibly even for the rest of your career. With all the flexibility, life balance, pay, BIKs and opportunities (or lack of) that job comes with. Your wife should understand and accept that you can't just toss yourself at anything, the choice will affect both of you, it should be the right place. If waiting an extra month or two results in even a little extra annual salary, few hours less work a week , few % extra to the pension or even just better culture making you happier - the benefit to both of you over the next 15-20 years far outweighs the extra time you spend looking for the right place.

The diversity point is valid , but there's nothing you can do about it. In the end the work needs to be done and specifically in areas like IT there just aren't enough young diverse girls to fill the place no matter how much you lower the bar and push quotas. If a company isn't taking competent experienced staff anymore all the better for you, that place isn't going far anyway.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122550686#Comment_122550686

You have said yourself you were the main earner but she did more, do you now do more? Its not like she wasnt contributing and you also mentioned things had been simmering, it leads me to wonder what the argument actually about you working and not a mulitute of other things that have come to a head now?!

Regarding the diversity hire, honestly thats a cop out and in fact in some places you as someone in their 50s is the diversity hire. Apply for anything you feel you can do, dont be put off.

I'll be honest it reads like you hold a bit of a grudge on something, you've called your wife a c**T in an argument, mentioned her playing victim and have put lack of opportunity down to 'diversity hire' this is a limiting type of attitute which wont help at all.

Hannibal_Smith

She's the bigger earner now because you're not earning anything. The loss of the bigger salary is a huge drop in household income. Its a frustrating position for both of you that's not going to be quickly fixed.

You both need to talk calmly and listen to each other. She's not wrong in pushing job ads your way and you're not wrong in wanting to hold out for something in the field you've invested many years in. But you need to both compromise and agree how long that search goes on for. It sounds like you've unilaterally made a decision about it all, which seems like a ticking time bomb.

Joe286

You got a redundancy. That should be enough to keep the wolf from the door for 6 months.

It takes time to get a job and your wife has to understand it's a difficult time.

In the end tell her you won't really be trying out of your area for 3 months. After that you will. Don't engage in an argument.

You can go in circles arguments so I would nip it in the bud and suggest you get a councellor to mediate. A marriage counsellor. That would force your wife to be more rational.