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Rich relatives

Lolfox

I have one sibling, a brother who through a serious of fortunate events has become wealthy. This wasnt through having good jobs and hard work. Lady luck smiled on both him and his wife. His inlaws transferred 5 houses to them that they rent out as holiday lets and then my brother received a redundancy of €200K, he was planning on leaving this job anyway and had secured another job so he has really lucky that he had not handed in his notice. This has left them in a very lucky position that they are mortgage free and able to live a really good life.

I on the other hand am married with 3 kids, both of us work in reasonable jobs but by the time we pay the mortgage and bills we have relatively little left. I guess we are like most people in that we just are getting by and money is tight.

Their life compared to ours is very different. Lately this is getting me really down in that we can do nothing really to change our situation - worrying about money is not going to change for us. Sadly lady luck never smiles or shines on us.

Sometimes its like they get a kick out of saying things like what I should buy or where we should go on holidays etc when they know bloody well we cant afford it. The more I see and hear from them, the more it gets me down yet I dont want to break the relationship with them as he is my only brother and my kids get on great with their kids. Its like every year they get richer and we get poorer. Does anyone have any advice on how I deal with this?

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Water John

I think it would be right to have a once off conversation with him alone, pointing that you don't have such resources and that you find such remarks difficult.

Vicxas

Comparison is the thief of joy.

If you spend your life comparing it to your brothers then you’ll never feel successful or happy in life. If it bothers you so much reduce contact with him until you feel better about yourself or your situation.

Focus on you and your life. That’s the only thing you can change

Water John

No need to isolate from him, unless he's a gobs*ite.

standardg60

Yes just look at how great your kids get on with his kids and realise there is more to happiness in life than money.

Lolfox

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122291971#Comment_122291971

I never used to compare. But lately there actions are making me compare. Sometimes its almost like they are shaming me by their comments. For example my husband and I both drive 2 old cars because its all we can afford and we dont want to take on debt other than our mortgage at the moment due to childcare costs. Recently my brother suggested we should get a BMW like them because great boot space and they save on running costs as its electric. Super for them but I cant afford that ( ant even afford any car) and being honest they know I cant afford it. Its like they want to make us feel bad or else they are completely out of touch.

BorneTobyWilde

If I was '' rich'' I'd help my brother.

I play the Euromillions every draw, and my one thought in doing so, is '' I could help so many people if I won''

Augme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122291999#Comment_122291999

What did you say when he suggested getting a BMW?

Lolfox

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122291991#Comment_122291991

I suppose Im worrying as the kids get older that their relationship may change due to money aswell. I hope it doesnt but it could. Their kids get everything they want.

who what when

I remember when i bought a new car a few years my brother in law asked with genuine bemusement 'why didn't you get an Audi Q6?'.

Now that particular car was more than twice my budget but instead of telling him that i just said they didn't have it in the colour that i wanted.

Lolfox

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292020#Comment_122292020

I said unfortunately we cant afford a new car. I find it embarrassing though having to say this. I think they get a kick out of being honest. I think Im going to have a word with them to stop suggesting things that out of our reach - its embarrassing though having to say this.

Lolfox

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292010#Comment_122292010

😂 They never even pay for the meal if we go out. We always have to pay our share for everything!

I see sheep

When he said you should get a BMW you should have said "Ah great thanks I'll take a red one".

If he's being arrogant about his good fortune just tell him he's being a cnut.

If I had a lot of money I'd give loads of it to my brothers but whatever, it's mostly the wife's money by the sound of it.

Life is swings & roundabouts though.

Maybe him and his wife are both having affairs.

If you're healthy, with kids and own a house well done, you're doing better than a lot of people.

Lolfox

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292137#Comment_122292137

Yes you are right. Its just hard sometime and Im having a bad day. Our lives are just so different and it gets me down. I just have to deal with it and accept what Ive got.

KaneToad

First lesson in life is that it is unfair. Financial rewards don't necessarily come to those that work hard. Rich families have rich kids. That's life.

That said your brother does sound like a dick to be suggesting such things to you as to buy a new electric BMW. What do you get out of the relationship? Is it just that the cousins are friends? If so, I'd have less to do with the brother & just facilitate opportunities for the kids to meet up. Toxic people are toxic people - even if they are family.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292182#Comment_122292182

Practising gratitide is a great way to gain perspective, do it for 30 days and you'll find yourself more appreciative of everything from the air you breathe to your kids health and happiness.

Lolfox

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292186#Comment_122292186

He may be a bit of a dick but he is my only brother and I do care for him. I want a relationship with him where he doesnt make me feel poor or a failure though. I also want to maintain a good relationship for the sake of our parents who are elderly.

I suppose I want them to do less bragging and stop making silly suggestions. Im going to have to say to him how I dont need reminding that Im poor in camparison to them.

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292010#Comment_122292010

The lottery is a tax on stupidity. The poorest 10% of society contributes 80% of the National Lotterys earnings. You have a better chance of being a fortune 500 CEO than winning the jackpot. The issue isnt the money, its that it stunts your monetary creativity to earning your own money by getting that promotion, adding on a Continous Profession Development upgrade, going out in their own start up business. In the same time that you could be waiting for well off old relatives to die off, you could be living your own dream now.

Also I have seen it myself, people go funny in the head when they are old writing wills. They often leave farms to long forgotten nephews who did well in the UK building. The nephew who spent his youth hoping to get the farm at 50 was often given £20k out of the sale of the farm and wished the best of luck.

The people who have the most luck in life are the ones who look for and take on the most oppertunies in a strategic fashion.

babyducklings1

Sorry to say but he sounds insensitive and a tad immature. Count your blessings and call him out if you feel it’s the right thing to do. Here’s a lovely piece with some good insights on life
https://allpoetry.com/desiderata---words-for-life

babyducklings1

The link won’t open for you so here it is again

https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292294#Comment_122292294

You're right, you only have the one brother and it's worth keeping that relationship as strong as it's possible. Is he older or younger than you? Are your parents still alive? If so, how do they deal with it? Have you other aunts/ uncles etc and what do they think. They'd all be aware of the disparity, so hopefully you can get support there.

As to your brother, do as post #2 above. When the opportunity arises for a quiet word, have a one off and make it clear it's a one off conversation that your family is not as well off financially and that comments from him or his wife highlighting this are not welcome and are hurtful. If they persist in a similar vein after this, well you may reduce contact a bit - sorry I'm not available to go to your BBQ etc. But hopefully they'll see sense and be more discreet.

csirl

Sometimes people can be so used to a lifestyle that they genuinely dont know what its like to pay a mortgage.

I've a brother who works in the tech area. Made a lot of money in his 20s (sold a company he set up). Still earns a lot and married into money. Lives in a large house. Never had a mortgage or any type of debt. He's a quiet character, and does not in any way act as if hes better than anyone. But, it normal day to day conversations with other family members its clear that he has no idea of the financial pressure that most squeezed middle type families live under. Maybe your brother is like this, just more extroverted?

Akrasia

People genuinely forget what its like to struggle with money. Your brother probably thinks he is struggling in some ways if hes comparing his life to his wealthier in-laws

You have a family a house and 2 cars and 2 decent jobs. You cant just go on extravagant holidays or buy new cars on a whim, but you have everything you actually need in life and are luckier than most people in this world.

1percent

You said he did well from luck and not hard work but to get 200k redundancy he must have been high paid and or long servixe also already had another job lined up. Neither of these suggest he has not work hard. Hve yo evr heard the saying the harder I work the luckyer I get? It may be a case of this.

HE may be a dick but you are definitely being envious, dont worry about him run your own race.

And speaking of running your own race, talk to a financial adviser and review your finances, I know people who would be the first to say they are struggling but are then over contributing to their pension, ie more than the tax relief allowence, have nearly 6figures in a low rate savings account but their mortgage repayments tiny compared to income. They are emotional when it comes to money and it costs them.

pgj2015

Tell him you aren't interested in material things and you wouldn't be seen dead in an electric car. I would just act like you arent into new cars and expensive holidays, that should stop him bragging about the things he has.

Big Bag of Chips

@standardg60 as always, if you have a problem with a post or poster report it rather than comment on thread. You have dragged the thread off topic with arguing over a possible typo. I have checked the change log, there was no text edit made to that post. You read it wrong.

You know the rules in PI at this stage. Mature, constructive sensible advice. If you're only coming here to argue with a poster we respectfully ask that you don't post.

Off topic posts deleted.

SuperBowserWorld

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122293394#Comment_122293394

"They are emotional when it comes to money and it costs them."

That is one of the wisest sentences I've read on boards.

You have to be brutally fact based and machine like when it comes to money. Unfortunately I think a lot of people who have come from a poor background have a very hard time managing finances or sustaining and growing wealth over a lifetime. I'd put my self in this bucket. I panic about money and doing taxes etc, instead of rationally investing and switching my emotions off.

And people who were born into wealth can throw it all away because they think there is some infinite money tree. I know several people who had an easy upbringing, got degrees, for jobs they hated and just swanned around and now find themselves a lot poorer than they should be.

Avatar in the Post

Five! houses no less to one sibling and none to another. Should have been nicer to your relative. Where did luck come into it?

KaneToad

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122293442#Comment_122293442

Read the OP.

The brothers wealth is inheritance his wife got.

KaneToad

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122293394#Comment_122293394

Hard work and financial stability are only loosely connected. Far more important factors are: socioeconomic status of household you were raised in and your health. Both of which are mostly out of your control.

People like to think their financial "success" is down to them personally - working harder, being smarter. It rarely is.

Look at the backgrounds of most of the wealthiest people in Ireland, most have had significant leg ups.

boetstark

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292059#Comment_122292059

It seems to me that your brother is using your situation to make himself feel good about himself and his fortunate situation.

I have experience of this though I don't think your brother is as bad as mine.

I'm doing pretty good in life at last through hard work and changing job. My brother and sister are older than me and as good as millionaires , ie very wealthy. This was through a very unfair inheritance.

Same situation as you constantly what we have but a little more toxic. They made me feel inferior and bad about myself. So I just cut them loose. Never been happier.

Best of luck in whatever you do and remember. Health is wealth.