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Lack of self belief holding me back

bluefivetwo23

Hi there. So I’ve just accepted a new job and I am on the verge of being physically sick from anxiety about it. I’m a 28 year old lad, got a good degree and then worked minimum wage jobs for a couple of years due to lack of self esteem. I then got a job I was happy with and did that for almost 3 years until being made redundant earlier this year. I spent a month unemployed and then got the same minimum wage job I was working when I was younger.

I’ve now got a better paying job and I start in about two weeks. I am terrified. I grew up in a very traumatic environment and although I’ve definitely taken some good attributes from growing up like that it’s also meant I have zero self belief in my abilities at work in particular. I’ve recently came off medication for OCD and also moved to a different city where I’m living with strangers.

I am completley to the point of being sick terrified of failing at this new job and then having no income. Essentially i have no family to help me out if stuck for money and I’ve paid my own way since I was 18.

I suppose my main question is if i do fail at this job, would I be entitled to social welfare? I’m also worried that my redundancy and then month being unemployed and then temporary minimum wage job will make me look like a flight risk and damage my employability if I do have to try and find another job because of this new one not working out.

I hate that this is even a problem for me, it’s just when it comes to work my self confidence is on the floor and I feel like a total failure.

Should I try and reassure myself in the knowledge that if this doesn’t work out there is other jobs out there and i wouldn’t be unemployed for long anyways? Or is that being deluded.

All opinions much appreciated. Thanks

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john9876

Is it at least worth asking your doctor for propranolol to calm your anxiety for the first few weeks in the new job?

When you've saved some money try and find a psychotherapist or trauma therapist as I suspect you have suffered from complex PTSD as a child.

Maybe talk to your GP first.

calculator

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122307551#Comment_122307551

You've been through a hell of a lot. And you've picked yourself up each time. Instead of worrying about potential future problems, take some time to give yourself a huge pat on the back for what you've achieved so far. Remember, there's no such thing as a job for life anymore, so it's no reflection on you that you've moved around a bit. You're definitely not a failure by any stretch so give yourself a break.

Sponge25

Remember we suffer far more in apprehension than in actually doing what we're apprehensive about. You should look into some Stoic literature which is usually available for free online. Marcus Aurellius Meditations is a good one. It teaches you not to worry about things outside your control and to focus on that which you can control. Also, take one day at a time for tomorrow has anxieties all of its own.

RiderOnTheStorm

I really feel for you Blue. I hope you settle into your new job. An admin role (thats similar to what you have done before) and in a small business can be a great way to build & grow your confidence. And even the most confident people will find it hard to start a new job in a small office.

To me, it sounds like your upbringing has really done a number on your confidence / self-worth. That is not going to change overnight. It took years to change your thoughts so it will take time to change them back. Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself regularly / often how far you have come, and how well you are doing. Say it in your head, write it down, pray to Odin and say thanks for the new job! Please do not tell yourself you are a failure. That is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Moving city, changing jobs, etc that is hard (and you did it!) but changing your mind is harder. Baby steps, buddy.

:-) hope your situation improves

bluefivetwo23

I feel like a failure, is it even possible to change?

I posted a few weeks ago about having low self worth and about a fear of failure in the new job I was starting.

I started that job this week and today was day 3. I know it’s early days but I’m already very confident i won’t succeed in this job and I’m having huge regrets for leaving my “safe” minimum wage job in a cafe. The new job is a admin/reservations job paying a couple thousand more.

It’s a long story and hard to articulate clearly but I’m a 28 year old lad who did an arts degree in college, graduated with 1st class honours and have mostly worked in hospitality since then. About 3 years ago I got an admin job which I did for almost 3 years before getting made redundant. This was the only job I’ve had where I haven’t felt like a total loser. At this time I was living with friends and had a real sense of support from being in that environment. I only did well in my degree because receiving the grant helped keep me out of my home environment

After being made redundant I moved to another city in Ireland where I’m pretty much alone bar housemates I don’t see very often and a couple of friends who live in the same city. When I moved I got a job in a cafe with the idea in my mind of it being a temporary stop gap.

I grew up in a pretty abusive home and have very little contact with my family now and since I was 18 really. I text my mam about once or twice a week in reply to her texts and that’s about all the family connection I have. I spent a lot of my teenage years being told how stupid I was etc by my dad who’s schizophrenic and an alcoholic. Also doing things like searching for our family car after my dad drove it somewhere and hid it during a schizophrenic episode or removing burial crosses he put up around our house in a schizophrenic episode. All this stuff has affected me so much and although I should just be able to not be bothered by it now so many years later I can’t. Although I’m 28 now this is why I think I’ve such little self worth when it comes to work. In other aspects of my life I think I have a normal self worth, I know I’m a good person to others etc but when it comes to my abilities at work I can’t get past the feeling of being the most incapable stupid person in existence.

The company I’ve joined is a small company of about 9 employees 2 of which are leaving soon. It’s office based everyday. It’s a very old fashioned company as in everything is paper based. Training is very limited/non existent. The type of place that doesn’t even have my ID on file or anything other than my bank details. No one has been rude or anything but I can tell it’s not a type of job/environment I’ll do well in.

I feel like this is just another reminder of how much of a failure I am. I have friends but at the end of the day I’m totally alone in my life and don’t have anyone to fall back on. I’ve about 3grand to my name from working for minimum or near minimum wage for every job I’ve had and paying high rent. Is there realistically any hope of me changing and making a success of my life.

I need to try and find another job now but even that is going to be hard when I’m working Monday to Friday and can’t attend interviews. I just want to go back to working in a cafe where at least I know I can do that. I feel like I’m too old now to be like this, feel like I’m kissing goodbye to ever owning a home etc but at the end of the day I’m so inhibited by the low self worth that I don’t know what else i can do. The only thing I have in my life is friends but I don’t want to be the one who’s always complaining about his life either so I don’t like to do that to them.

I was diagnosed with OCD and although that is significantly more under control now it’s also still affecting me and pretty much I just can’t handle the stress of life with no family support.

I know it’s only day 3 and I’m not going to quit tomorrow or anything like that but I know I don’t have the aptitude right now with this low self esteem to be able for this job.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here but if you’ve read this far thank you. I suppose am I past the point of no return now or can it get better. Is going back to a minimum wage job going to ruin any chances I had of improving my life?

I feel like such a waster, I’m lucky to have been born here and have an Irish passport etc so that I can work anywhere here and I’ve so many friends who are doing so much better than me despite not having that. I feel like such a failure

gym_imposter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058355842/lack-of-self-belief-holding-me-back

I always tell my kids that nervous feelings are only visitors, they don't stay

While it sucks that you are anxious in advance of new experiences etc , it doesn't mean you are less able, just know that once you settle into your new role,those visitors will leave

RiderOnTheStorm

well done on getting the job, bluefivetwo23 !!

I am prone to catastrophising myself …. some good steps to help are to ask yourself what are the facts, what is actually true. And then ask yourself, What if this works???? It helps me (sometimes!)

again, CONGRATS!

[Deleted User]

Having been made redundant twice in 2 consecutive jobs I can say it didn't affect future employment. Companies know the score.

Quay_Koncept

OP the majority of our fears and anxieties never ever come through, and anyway think what if everything works out fine! :)

Purple Mountain

Go back and speak to your doctor about your concerns. You may possibly need to go back on the medication, even for a temporary period.

bluefivetwo23

it’s a small company so that kind of added to the worry. Sounds like it’ll be a lot of work but also at the same time it’s something I need to do or I’ll just continue in the rut I’m in now. Fingers crossed I’m just catastrophising!

ax530

Good luck with new job is it a big company? If so they possibly have wellness stuff with perhaps access to life coaching.

If not save a little bit and invest in something like that coaching... If needed they will then advise therapy

Remember they will be lucky to have you ! Not easy get good staff plus it coming into summer so hopefully opportunities to socialise with house mates and work mates and build friendships

bluefivetwo23

thanks for the replies! The nice words are much appreciated. Will try and take it day by day. Just terrified it will go badly and I’ll be unemployed with no social welfare to fall back on and find it hard to get another job.

Came off the meds naturally as per the doctor but was probably not amazing timing. Everything in my life has changed and I’ve become a lot more alone a lot more of the time since moving so all of it together isn’t great.

Will keep my fingers crossed it goes well!

pgj2015

You will be entitled to social welfare if you lost the job as far as I know but as others have said take each day as it comes and you will be ok, and maybe see someone about your self belief issues. good luck with the job.

Hannibal_Smith

bluefivetwo23, if I had my time again, or could talk to my younger self I would tell me to get a recommendation for a decent counsellor back in my 20s, to try and learn some tools in dealing with insecurities.

I'd go to interviews, get the job and torture myself by wondering whether I'd over sold myself. I would have gone through the same thoughts as you, what if I get fired what would I do, would I end up homeless!!

Life would have been a lot less stressful, if I learned whilst it's normal to be a little uncertain, debilitating irrational anxieties are not.

You put yourself out there, got the job, that's a good thing. Give yourself the credit you deserve, put one foot in front of the other and go see what happens. They chose you because they can see you're capable and a good candidate for the role. You can do it.

Go get a recommendation from your gp for a counsellor and start putting those demons to bed. Btw, why did you come off the medication? Was it with or with consultation with your doctor?

mistress_gi

Hi OP, first off, breathe, it will be ok. It's a lot of change all at once and it is rather normal being anxious, even without your background.

Take it one day at a time and maybe engage with a counselor to work on your self esteem. If you got hired it's because the employer thinks you'll excel at the job.

I don't know about social welfare but i think you may want to give it a go before you give up?

Sending virtual hugs your way, from a fellow catastrophiser 🤗