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Child Item

When someone tells a story you don't believe

Suit of Wolves

When someone tells a story you don't believe, do you pretend to believe them out of politeness, or do you point out any parts that are far-fetched or contradicting parts, etc? On the one hand I don't want to embarrass anyone, but on the other hand it's their own fault if they go around lying. I often come away thinking things like "why did I leave that idiot say that?".

The most recent questionable story I heard was this guy (who's now in his 60s) tell me about a teacher that was touchy with the students. He was 14 at the time, and one day this teacher placed his hand down on this guy's leg... the quad area. Upon this happening he said he instinctively ("like a reflex action") went to punch him, and "knocked him out"! he said the teacher then went up to the principal's office, and I asked "but he was knocked out?". He said "well, when he came out of it..." and when he brought the principal down to the class, everyone else in the class was too afraid to say the reason why he punched the teacher, and the teacher denied it. In the end the principal decided to keep the boy in his office every day for the rest of the year and gave him tuition himself, in just the two subjects that teacher taught. At some point after this that teacher said to the boy "you'll fail those subjects, you haven't a hope". In the end he got an A in both those subjects in the intercert. The story then goes that upon witnessing these results, the principal went down to that teacher's class with this boy, and in front of the class, showed the teacher his results. The principal then said "that's twice he's after proving you wrong now… if you ever lay a hand on any student in here again, I'll do what that boy did to you, myself".

Now how much of that would you believe? The other guy listening to the story pretty much acted as if he believed it also. We all probably have had something happen to us that wouldn't sound believable, we'd know not to tell it. If the above story was indeed true, I'd tell it in such a way that would omit certain hard-to-believe parts while also allowing me to get a across moral of the story.

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pgj2015

😂🤣 That story sounds like bull$hit. I have met people who tell similar stories, I don't contradict them because I find the fantasy they are talking funny and let them talk away. I remember once during the recession I met a guy in a pub, in his 30s, every story that came out of his mouth sounded made up, he asked me what I did, I was studying law at the time in college, he told me he was accepted twice to do law in Trinity but became a plasterer instead, he told me he pulled Rosanna Davidson in a nightclub in Dublin, people came to his house begging him to plaster their house and offered him 5 times the going rate. He took on 6 bouncers one night and knocked them all out.

he said he was getting paid 500 euro per week to train his local u12 GAA team, he drank a liter of vodka straight at a house party and was ok. the list was endless, he couldn't talk normally at all, all lies.

Stephen_Maturin

In response to your question OP I suppose it would depend on what the context is, and how well do I know the person, and how well do they know the people we're with

Person I know very well I will call out if just ourselves or with people we know very well i.e. one of “the lads” and we're at the pub or whatever

With people I don’t know well I just tend to smile and nod - unless they’re a total asshole, “busting” them in front of others doesn’t really get you much. And embarrassing them just creates an awkward atmosphere for everyone. If the stories are outlandish as you say, you rest assured everyone else is thinking the same thing

BrianD3

The one in the OP is a tricky one - on one hand there is an allegation of sexual abuse by a teacher and we know that all manner of institutional abuse was rife in Ireland years ago. On the other hand, when "badassery" and a happy ending is included in a story, that would make me start to question it. Knocking the teacher out, then getting As in the intercert and then the principal threatening to knock the teacher out himself - those details would make me think the story is heavily embelished at least.

As for my reaction to such a story if I decided that it was BS, I'd say something like "that's awful, a a lot of bad stuff went on". I wouldn't question the details or accuse the person of bullsh*t.

Actually have a lot of experience of dealing with Walter Mitty stories as I had some friends years ago who would constantly tell them. These were highly intelligent (academically) people - yet they also felt the need to spoof and lie constantly. With Walter Mitties, the stories will generally involve some sort of badassery - feats of strength of fitness, martial arts, beating up robbers and bullies, weapons and military stuff, scientific experiments, winning big at the bookies but never losing a bet etc. On a couple of occasions I've seen Walters called out on their nonsense and it resulted in an awkward, uncomfortable situation Whereas if you just let them spew out their fantasies and laugh about them later behind their backs, that is entertaining.

Bredabe

I tend to take a step back, I know that many ppl have different experiences and processing in their lives and I think it's judgemental of me to assume bc it sounds unlikely to me that it didn't happen.

For example, my colleague's parents were in financial difficulty and he took out a mortgage for them and is paying it off out of his income. Lots of ppl think he is just being mean and find it far-fetched that he has had to do this. Just bc ppl find things far-fetched or hard to believe doesn't mean it's untrue.

ruth...less

I did the juniorcert myself but I haven't heard anyone call it the intercert for years. You use to hear people refer to the intercert all the time but rarely hear it now.

Anyway very rarely will I call someone out on a story that I know they're lying about. Id only do it if it involves or has some impact on me.

If I see someone is lying in a story I take a mental note. I question to myself why they feel the need to lie and that's it. I don't take the opportunity to be condisending or humiliate them.

[Deleted User]

There was a guy in my class who was a bit like Jay from the Inbetweeners (we all knew someone like that), always boasting about his supposed success with girls.

Anyway, we were waiting for class to start on a Monday morning while he was talking loudly (back turned to the classroom door) giving us the usual run-down about a girl who he claimed to have been with over the weekend.

So he says "and the had the biggest t1ts" just as the teacher walked in and everyone scrambled into their seats. Then he went quiet all of a sudden. The teacher, a young-ish guy of about 25 or maybe 30, says "go on, don't stop on account of me, tells us the rest you were just getting to the good part". The Inbetweeners guy said nothing. The teacher then said "don't worry, I'll hear all about it tonight on the new TV show called Things That Never Happened!".

Cue a collective chorus of "waa, burn!" from the whole class.

A couple of years later when we started going into town it was very obvious he hadn't a clue how to even make conversation with a woman…

HazeDoll

I have a friend, a guy I've known for 25 years. He's probably the smartest person I know, and one of the most witty and talented. Somehow he just never got his life off the ground though. He's never had a proper job, a job you might call the start of a career. He never learned to drive, he never went through the 'growing up' milestones the rest of us did.

As far as I know there's no gambling or addiction, and no specific mental health issues, he's just a bit useless. There's a pattern to his life now:

New job! It's not much but it'll lead to something!
Everybody is amazed at his capabilities! The boss is going to fastrack him to the top. He's going to revolutionise things!
Mystery ailment. Very serious. Had to take time off work.
Boss turns out to be a top-level criminal/an arfehole/incompetent/jealous.
Flees the job, and sometimes the town, maybe taking incriminating files or emails that will blow this whole thing sky high. Prime Time are interested. Watch this space.
Repeat.

All that is fine. There are lots of ways to be happy and successful that don't involve a job or career. The endless slog isn't for everybody. The thing is he constantly pretends to be operating at the top level of everything he does.

He has a hobby and he tried to make a go of it when we were in our twenties but it didn't take off. Fair enough, he gave it a try. Twenty years later he's still pretending to be involved in that business, involved in big events, taking phonecalls and turning down offers from the big names. A number of times I have heard him to refer to some of these people by their first name, or telling convoluted stories in which they ask him for advice and use his ideas and are eternally grateful.

I still see quite a bit of him because he lives close enough to me these days. He invites himself out to my house and sits in my kitchen and interviews himself all night. No input required from me.

"You know, Hazedoll," he says, holding a bottle of beer like an old cowboy, "One thing I've learned is that there's no substitute for tenacity." Then there will be a very long story that starts off with him getting an invitation to accept an award and ends with him buying an rare antique couch from the only living person who REALLY knows what happened to the Miami Showband.

He says things he knows I know aren't true. He will casually claim to have lived in cities all over the world, for example. He knows I know exactly where he has lived.

He invents scenarios involving people we both know, in which they have crippling debts or their marriage is abusive or they're hiding their sexual orientation. I know he's telling lies about me too. He has told people that I'm a hoarder and I'm the subject of an investigation by the Teaching Council.

So why don't I call him on it? The only explanation I can offer is that when you're sitting there and he is earnestly spinning these lies it's like seeing him dancing around naked in the town square. It's desperately awkward, it's embarrassing and painful to endure. I just want it to be over. So I stay quiet.

Once he told a story about driving a relative to A&E. The arrogant doctor wouldn't take things seriously until my Mitty friend specified which tests were needed and the protocols that would need to be followed.

"If I have to put my sick relative back into that car and drive them to another hospital I will personally see to it that you never practice medicine again!"

The doctor, realising he was in the presence of no ordinary pleb, became obsequious and eager to help and Mitty was proved right and saved a life. By the end of the story I was annoyed and tired of the endless fiction he was subjecting me to so I said "Oh, are you driving now?" trying to sound interested and positive rather than challenging and dismissive.

He stalled for a second. He had no idea why I had asked that. No clue what that had to do with his interesting story. His version of himself in his imagination was so disconnected from the real world that he wasn't able to see the link. The moment was so painfully uncomfortable that I changed the subject. And I assume that's what happens everywhere he goes. He tells stupid lies and people look at their shoes or nod silently and then change the subject, because challenging him would be like disemboweling him: ugly and potentially messy and not really necessary. It's easier to let him talk.

ruth...less

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122265945#Comment_122265945

That story is a lie.

tohaltuwi

In my day it was the Intercert, and we got a great giggle in class when one teacher said “now girls, you have to take the “intercourse” much more seriously than you have done”. 🤣🤣

I detest outright lying but I enjoy elaboration and a bit of colour in discourse. I often elaborate myself, it’s the part of me understanding it myself. A minority of people take this negatively and imagine I must be making things up.

But I do know where people have deliberately lied to deceive. Some slightly dysfunctional people do it to paint a picture of themselves as having more in common or to garner sympathy. When I was going to Japan last year I heard a tale about a flying visit to Tokyo and how I will love it, then a year or so later same person tells others they’ve never been to Japan and would love to go. A kind of harmless example, there were way more impactful ones. Kind of Walter Mitty. People who tell porkies need to have very good memories to retain the deception. People who fall into the habit of lying out of a personality disorder simply cannot be trusted.

I initially tend to take what people say to me at face value, but when I realise I have been lied to more than once for no good reason, I get cynical and confrontational about it. Dishonest people come to hate me 🤣 in the long term.

ruth...less

Why do people do it? Like I get the manipulators but like in the op those people who lie to make themselves sound better like for example saying they've been to places they haven't or saying they've a cousin who is a celebrity or whatever...why?

Do ye think they are self aware and are know they are doing it for attention or do you think they believe their own lies?

Use to know a bloke when we were kids and say if you said you saw a film in the cinema that was just out..he'd say he already saw it..and you asked him questions about it and hed just skim over the answers but you'd know he didn't see it. And you'd just think...this is stupid.

[Deleted User]

As a general rule if the story involves sexual abuse ask them did they report it to the guards, if they haven't then advise them to. That's usually enough to humble a liar, or cause them to make up more lies to cover their other lies.

Honestly though, ask anyone who's had to go through that process and they'll be the first to let you know how incredibly, almost impossibly difficult telling someone is. The rings they have had to jump through and countless counsellors, therapists and legal professionals that were involved in the process. It's less about regailing in a moral victory and more about overcoming personal obstacles that had terrible impacts in their lives.

HazeDoll

Plenty of us tell little lies to get out of things we don't want to do or to keep ourselves out of trouble. No problem there at all!

I think we all have a comfortable fantasy version of ourselves we can live with, and that's fine. "I could have had a trial for Sheffield Wednesday but I had to focus on my leaving cert." "I'm prepared for an apocalypse, I'll probably lead a ragtag group of survivors when it happens." "I'm not going to be in this job long, it's beneath me but it's paying the bills for now until my real career takes off." "If I had been there I would have said this and this and then knocked him out with a roundhouse kick." That's ok, I think it's normal enough, it enhances your inner life.

It's also very normal to make a good story better by deviating from the truth a little. That's fine too, you're telling a story, we all appreciate a good story, even if we know you're putting yourself a little closer to the action or giving yourself all the best lines. In those circumstances you're not actually attempting to deceive anybody because it's tacitly agreed that we're in it for the entertainment, not the facts.

That's not the same thing as the outright lies we sometimes hear. I wonder if these liars we know are just very confused as to where the line is between "Here's a good story, let's not get caught up in how much of it is true," and "I'm asking you to pretend to believe things about me that you know to be untrue."

BrianD3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122265971#Comment_122265971

That's brilliant, he sounds hilarious - in small doses and once you can distance yourself from him when you want.

Is he also a One-Upper, ever try to bait him into spouting even more outrageous bullsh*t by saying some of your own.

I knew a Walter in college and he was spouting for some time before I said to another friend "did you hear what yer man was saying, that can't be right can it" Mushroomed from there and was the start of a few years of great entertainment

Over 25 years ago now but a useful thing i did around the time was compile a list of his Greatest Hits and occasionally look at the list when I want to cheer myself up. Glad i did as otherwise I'd be doubting that he ever said those things - and exaggerating about what a Walter said may itself be something of a Walter trait.

Pauliedragon

In 1991 Nirvana played a gig in Cork to an audience of about 30 people. They must have snuck 1000's in the back door because everyone in Cork was there according to people I've met over the years.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266104#Comment_122266104

He's not really a one-upper. He'll pretend to be more knowledgeable about something than I am, but to be fair to him he has in-depth knowledge of a very broad range of topics so he's quite convincing.

I get why it might be amusing, but I can't help taking it personally when he seems to assume I'm a fair target for his bullshit. I'm not some stranger he wound up sitting beside on the train, somebody he'll never see again so it doesn't matter what he says. It's just awkward and painful. He knows I chat to his brothers when I meet them, he knows I often run into his mother. Yet he'll tell a long story about his big plans to buy a fancy apartment in a new development in London because he's moving there at the end of the summer to start a job? I have no option but to assume he doesn't give a fhit what opinion I have of him. That's insulting.

[Deleted User]

You could always ask for documented evidence, its usualy enough to seperate what is truth and what's not.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266150#Comment_122266150

I love this. I get a bit sniffy if I meet somebody from Cork who is around my own age if they DON'T claim to have been there!

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122265717#Comment_122265717

He did say the man was in his 60’s now which would be in Inter Cert times . But it’s completely a BS story

BrianD3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266161#Comment_122266161

OK, he's much worse (better) than the one I knew. My one was always BSing about what he had done but was grounded enough in his ambitions and plans for the future. The BS was mainly related to martial arts, feats of strength and athleticism, fights, military stuff and weapons. It was an amusing exercise to try to think of films that he seemed to be getting his material from. One that had definitely inspired him was the bar scene from Terminator II, others included Rambo, Commando, Chuck Norris films, Enter the Dragon, MacGyver and The A Team.

I thought that people grew out of this as they got older but if your one has been at it for 25 years that may not be correct. My one was still at it well into his thirties, long after we had lost contact, based on something I saw written about him online.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266228#Comment_122266228

The military stuff is one thing they have in common. He knows a lot of the terminology and he kind-of-sort-of pretends to have some sort of vague real world experience with weapons. He says things about, for example, the war in Ukraine. "I can't understand why they left themselves exposed here and here. They've missed a wide-open opportunity to claim some strategic ground. It's very frustrating to watch them throw it away. They just don't have the training." The impression he gives is that if he was in charge it would all have been over in a few weeks.

He's an extreme case but I've definitely noticed that people like him share an interest in survivalism, sporting achievements, war and the criminal underworld. All very Hollywoody-ish settings for some very male fantasies.

[Deleted User]

I haves a story. I spent several years dealing with a random man calling to my home making veiled death threats and just general stalking type business, obviously I reported to the guards. The fact I had a history of dealing with DV and a different set of issues that had been previously reported, I decided to contact a helpline for advice. The guards didn't really do anything because there was so little information to go on and similarly, while I was offered theraputic supports through the outreach services, I didn't feel believed and it's actually kind of insidious how that stuff can affect you. I was so strung out that I probably didn't make much sense to anyone tbf. This went on for about two years.

At the time I didn't have means to get private help or have funds to get security installed and at my wits end one day I won 500 euro on the lotto, which I immediatley used to purchase a home security system and cctv cameras. All was quiet for about a year until something happened and this dude started showing up on my doorstep again. (conveniently when I was no longer under the protection of the outreach services) Within the space of a month I had two incidents of very high quality footage of him calling which I was able to then supply the guards and the relevant agenies with. I swear to Jesus, without that I honestly don't think anyone would have ever have believed me. It's awful not being believed. Sending that footage to my support worker was the best day of my life and it gave me back my dignity.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266150#Comment_122266150

Was that the one in the GPH , Sir Henry’s ? , another one about Nirvana is that ‘ I had a ticket for their gig ‘ . The day he died he was supposed to be playing Ireland .

Pauliedragon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266525#Comment_122266525

It was Henrys. I know I was there😝

Mister Vain

….

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266550#Comment_122266550

Yeah , sure 😷

Badly Drunk Boy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266150#Comment_122266150

There would have been a lot more people than that at the gig, not because of Nirvana, but because Sonic Youth were the main act. I was at the gig the following night when they played in the Top Hat in Dún Laoghaire (and I've got witnesses!).

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266795#Comment_122266795

Correct. There was probably 300 at the Sir Henry's gig.

The Top Hat gig would have had a lot more as Sonic Youth were a big draw then.

They played McGonagles the year before (2 September 1990) on the Goo tour, tickets were £7 and I saw someone paying £70 outside.

But if people routinely disbelieve EVERYONE who says that they were at either 1991 gig then it means it was empty. Which was patently untrue.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266525#Comment_122266525

Well that Nirvana gig on 8 April 1994 was in the RDS so thousands of tickets were sold. So people saying they had one is not at all far-fetched.

It was cancelled some weeks beforehand.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266878#Comment_122266878

Oh I know. But alot more people say that they had one than possible . I actually did have one

susan678

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058356066/when-someone-tells-a-story-you-dont-believe

This is a really interesting topic, and it's one many of us have grappled with. When someone tells a story that seems far-fetched or contradictory, it can be tough to know how to respond. Do we play along out of politeness, or do we call them out on the inconsistencies? Here are a few thoughts on navigating these tricky social waters:

1. Gauge the Context: Consider the setting and the relationship you have with the storyteller. If you're in a casual social situation and the story isn't harmful, it might be best to let it slide. If you're close to the person and feel comfortable, you might gently question parts of the story to understand it better without outright calling them a liar.

2. Avoid Direct Confrontation: Rather than directly challenging the truth of the story, you could ask clarifying questions. For example, in the story you mentioned, you might say, "That sounds intense! Can you walk me through what happened after you punched the teacher again?" This way, you're expressing interest while subtly probing for details that can either corroborate or cast doubt on the story.

3. Reflect on the Purpose: Think about why the person might be telling the story. Are they trying to impress, gain sympathy, or teach a lesson? Sometimes people embellish stories to make them more engaging or to emphasize a point. Understanding their motivation can help you decide how to respond.

4. Share Your Perspective: If you feel comfortable, you could share your thoughts on the story in a non-confrontational way. For instance, you might say, "Wow, that's quite a story! Parts of it seem almost unbelievable to me, but I guess truth is sometimes stranger than fiction!"

5. Balancing Politeness and Honesty: It’s a delicate balance between being polite and maintaining honesty. If the story is harmless and the setting is casual, you might choose to let it go. However, if the story has the potential to cause harm or spread misinformation, it might be worth addressing more directly.

6. Encourage Truthfulness: In a tactful way, you can encourage a culture of truthfulness by sharing your own real experiences, even if they're less dramatic. This can subtly set an example and perhaps discourage exaggerated storytelling.

Regarding the specific story you mentioned, it's definitely a wild tale with many dramatic elements. While some parts could be true, others might be exaggerated or fabricated. The principal's reaction, the convenient resolution, and the dramatic show-down all sound like they were pulled from a movie script. It’s always a bit tricky when you're on the receiving end of such stories, but I think maintaining a balance between skepticism and politeness is key.