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Husband workaholic

mum 85

My husband is a workaholic and it’s taking a toll on me and my two babies. He works away every week ( we live in the west ) & his commute is 3 hrs away.the kids are constantly sick ( 2 year old and 4 year old)and I’m trying my best to work & hold down the fort.

I feel like I have a touch of depression and insomnia also. But I obviously can’t take sleeping pills if minding the kids on my own at night.

he’s the nicest guy & husband and I feel terrible because at the end of the day he just wants success in his career.We have not had sex in over 15 months and I am happy about that but obviously he isn’t. I just don’t know what to do. I’m awake all night tonight cause my daughter is sick and I am so wound up that I can’t sleep most nights. When my husband returns from being away for work I then sleep in the spare room and go to my work then so We are ships in the night most of the time.We are very fortunate because we are financially stable (due to inheritance) but this doesn’t seem to make him want to change his career for us as a family….(which I find difficult to digest because his own parents died young)My youngest is 2 and he misses daddy and wakes up looking for him at night. When I sAy this to my husband I think he just think I am overreacting . Please help I feel so alone and can’t even discuss this with my closest friends because they don’t know what it feels like to be left alone most of the week with 2 toddlers. And I feel like a broken record… and if I am honest I think they think he is selfish at times because of things he has done in the past…It’s all taking its toll on me…..

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Shield

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058337341/husband-workaholic

Try asking in our Relationship Issues below:

https://www.boards.ie/categories/relationship-issues

Thanks.

-Shield

Big Bag of Chips

Moved to Relationship Issues.

Big Bag of Chips

he’s the nicest guy & husband and I feel terrible because at the end of the day he just wants success in his career

At the expense of his family? Wanting success in your career is admirable. But not if it means completely neglecting your duties as a husband and father.

Is relocating to the area he works in an option? What's the long-term plan? If you're financially stable can you give up work for a while? Just until the tough early years pass? It will still mean you're parenting alone, but you won't also be trying to work and organise yourself around sick children etc.

I think you need to talk to him. Let him know you're at breaking point. This can't carry on much longer. Either you relocate, or he finds a job closer to home and starts pulling his weight as a parent.

iniscealtra

There are a few things that are not clear from your post ?

Why do you live two hours away from your husband’s work?

Did ye discuss shared parenting?

What do you mean by financially stable?

Neither of you seem to have made any career changes. Is that right? You parent by youself during the week as you husband works away. You work full time as well as your husband but near the family home.

You need to discuss shared parenting. Talk about where you want to live. Near his work or near your work or in between. Talk about taking a cut in working hours. Both of you perhaps to reduce the pressure. Tell him you are lonely and not coping. Tell him that you feel like you are parenting on your own. Talk about what to do. Talk about finances and what ye can afford. Look into extra childcare options.

Ye need to talk.

Tork

and if I am honest I think they think he is selfish at times because of things he has done in the past…It’s all taking its toll on me…..

Can you elaborate on this?

marilynrr

Sleeping pills are only prescribed for a very short time and can cause more problems than they fix so they wouldn't be the solution anyway. This will only be rectified from lifestyle changes.

You say he's the nicest guy and husband...but is he if he's not willing to put his family before his career?

You've now become unwell from this with depression and insomnia. That could get worse, I don't want to alarm you but for women in particular that can lead to autoimmune diseases and/or chronic physical issues. Does he know how you are feeling mentally and emotionally?

If it was him suffering from depression and insomnia would he be making and expecting changes?

You say he's not happy about the lack of sex, does he complain about it and put pressure on you to have it or is it just that you know he's not happy about it? Does he understand why you don't want it?

What other things has he done in the past that makes your friends think he's selfish?

whelan2

He sounds like a total ass. They're his kids too. He needs to change. How about going away alone leaving him to do what you do, let him see what it's like.

YellowLead

I'm sorry but if you both work, you should both be sharing the parenting duties.

RoboRat

I think you need to sit down and have a frank discussion with your husband. I know my wife wouldn't accept that.

I understand that he is trying to progress his career, but family comes first. When I had my first son, I was in a very tough job and had to work a lot of extra hours. I was on a fast career trajectory but I pulled back. This didn't go down well, so I left the company and took a chance elsewhere.

Your husband needs to decide which is more important because kids grow up so quickly. Not having one parent around when they expect them to be there can cause a plethora of future problems... especially insecurity.

I don't know your husband, but I know someone in a similar predicament - in that case, my gut feeling is that the husband wants kids, but not the associated hassle of raising them. It's easy to say I have to work and skip the sleepless nights, crying / sick kids, and so forth. This guy could easily get another job that would be better suited to his situation but has stuck with the one that keeps him out of the country for 3 weeks out of 4.

The other side is that perhaps he just isn't aware of how this is affecting you or the kids, and he needs a bit of a head wobble to catch on. Perhaps he came from a family that struggled financially and he is driven to ensure this doesn't happen to his family. Perhaps he really likes the job and fears moving or causing friction. The only person who knows is him.

My view is that he needs to decide if career tops family and if not, then pull back. If his career does, then it's a different conversation but at least you know where you stand. Best of luck with it.

Strumms

If you needed the cash… I’d understand.

the fact that you guys don’t and he is putting in all this extra time and effort is a serious concern.

Some people have strange relationships with working and employment… some they see it as more than a way of just acquiring money. Often they enjoy it, revel in it and becomes part of their identity …..that’s not healthy

bosses often use a carrot / stick approach towards certain employees, saw it first hand…” a place on X course is coming, X promotion could be in the offing “… “ keep your head down and position yourself and you are in poll position “…. Hmmm

It’s a tough one to get through to people when they are on that road but perseverance is wise… he’ll make himself ill or worse without copping on.

YellowLead

If you have enough money why don’t you move closer to where he works (assuming he is the higher earner) and you could give up working for a few years to look after the kids. If you don’t need the money it seems crazy to go through the stress of two parents working full time. And if you are working because you want to - then one of you needs to move jobs so you can both live and work nearer.

SOMETHING has to give. It’s totally unfair and unsustainable.

Was any of this not discussed before having kids?

Water John

It might be better for some one of his own family members, brother/sister, to give him a dig in the ribs and tell him, cop on.

xyz13

He works FT and you work weekends. Did I read that correctly, OP?

Dtp1979

Something that caught my eye along with the stuff every other poster mentioned was that you’re happy you haven’t had sex with your husband in 15 months. I found that bit odd

marilynrr

@Dtp1979

It would honestly be even more odd if she did want to have sex with him considering she's depressed, suffering from insomnia, always looking after tiny children by herself who are constantly sick, she then works when he returns, and on top of that he doesn't listen to her concerns and she feels very alone.

I'd be stunned if any woman was enthusiastic about having sex with her husband in those circumstances, it's not exactly conducive to a healthy libido and even if she had a libido her desire for her husband would be likely to be low or non existent in these circumstances.

If she was having sex with him most likely it would be just because it was another chore she had to tick off the list.

Dtp1979

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121888148#Comment_121888148

You’ve picked me up wrong. I meant it’s odd that she’s happy about it.

marilynrr

@Dtp1979

Well I assume she's happy about it because she was finding it a chore or stopped enjoying it a long time ago so she's relieved that she has started saying no?

Often in those kind of circumstances and when people feel that way, they don't miss it at all or remember it feeling good so it does tend to be a relief rather than something to be sad about.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Reminder - PI is not a discussion forum.

As per the charter

Personal Issues is an advice forum.
Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

Thanks

Hilda

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121888898#Comment_121888898

well if its a chore and they are a young couple then the marriage is over?

cj maxx

If his work is 3 hours away can you move ? At 2&4 the children won’t have made life long friends . Is there family reasons for staying there ?. I too was prescribed , not sleeping tablets, but tablets that induced tiredness and I couldn’t take them watching over 2 children . I think that the time has come to have a serious discussion about moving . I’m guessing he works in Dublin ? Relocate while the children are small .

[Deleted User]

In this day and age of working from home, is his finding a hybrid role not a possibility? (Depending on his occupation). If his current job is not hybrid friendly, then he needs to find a job closer to home that allows him to be home at night.

His working away from home all week leaving you with the full time care and responsibility for two very young children to the detriment of your mental health and wellbeing is just unacceptable. Insomnia is a symptom of depression.

I'm not even a little bit surprised you're not interested in having sex.

Alexus25

So many important details missing from your post OP, it might help if you can elaborate for context

Kurooi

3 hour commute? Surely he's barely holding it together too.

foxsake

he made a decision to marry and have kids , he needs to find alternative options via employment. thats his duty to you and them . otherwise you should consider if you want this for the next few years till kids older.

when the kids get older things change - from about 8-10 - at least with my kids - the kids need you less.

from 16 they really only need lifts and a money from you.

what are you going to do then with more time on your hands and no kids to fuss over?

you'll be stuck with spare time and married to a stranger (or somebody you don't like)

better to fix the course of your marriage now instead of then

notAMember

Hire some help.

Honestly, what on earth are you two doing? This is a road to utter disaster. I can well understand you not sleeping, you are close to burnout, and probably him too

You are trying to manage two fairly demanding jobs (parent and working), and he is also effectively managing 2+ jobs if he is away 24x5, plus commute, and only around when you are not.

So that's 4 to 5 "standard" jobs between you effectively.

Get a nanny, a cleaner, gardener, whatever home support you need. And if he objects to the cost, then what the heck is he working for