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Tension over ladies weekend away

anewme

Planning a trip away with a group of friends. One friend is great at organising and planning,did some research and came up with options. I dont want to go to one of the venues because of the way they treat animals. 2 friends are fine and happy to go somewhere else, but the third wants to go to that venue and can be pushy to get their own way. I'm not going to it but don't want to fall out with my friend and its causing tension between everyone.

I suggested the three of them go if they are ok with it, but that has not landed well either and we are at a stalemate.

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10-10-20

If everybody lays out their objections every-which-way and nobody compromises then you'll never book any trip. Time to find the happy medium and decide whether it's a complete red-flag for you or can you compromise and just avoid one of the activities - or perhaps you'll find that others in the group also have reservations and also agree.

Augme

You've suggested they go and you skip it, which is perfectly reasonable and sensible conclusion. The fact your friend doesn't like this suggestion would lead me to start questioning my friendship with them and whether I really want to maintain it in the future.

10-10-20

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122013245#Comment_122013245

Ah no, that's what a friendship is about - being able to put up with the follies and whims of friends and negotiating and getting over it. If a friend-group was all them same then there would be little or no personality and it would be dull!

Hannibal_Smith

It's perfectly reasonable to foryou to opt out and for them to go to the event if they want. When we go away as a friend group there'll be times where we go our separate ways for a few hours if everyone doesn't want to do the same thing.

Augme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122013266#Comment_122013266

I, personally, would have absolutely no interest in being friends with someone who didn't care about my feelings/opinions/thoughts/happiness. That's not what I consider friendship to be about.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122013266#Comment_122013266

Doesn't seem like the friend is much interested in putting up with the OP's follies and whims.

I don't see why the OP skipping it isn't the end of the matter to be honest. She has given her reason and its to do with the activity itself and not because she doesn't like the friends, so why don't they just meet her afterwards.

I have to assume then that it isn't just an activity for an hour or so, but an activity that defines the entire trip away.

It is possible of course that the OP's reasons for not going are a bit spurious and the friends are tired of having to dance around these things. Treatment of animals could mean a lot of things to different people, and perhaps this isn't the first time they've had to change plans for what they think are petty reasons.

No way to know without the details.

anewme

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

We are friends from years ago and might not meet up that often due to life. I think the person arranging it (always been the arranger) feels that me saying I'll sit it out is a passive aggressive way of stopping it, because the others will go, ah no, we all have to go. Then it will get put on the long finger till probably this time next year.

What has also happened is that over years characters grow and change so are more likely to speak up now that when years ago we would have just gone with it.

I might give her a call later, a lot of the arranging has gone on over text and group chat and it might be better to chat one on one.

HildaOgdenx

I might give her a call later, a lot of the arranging has gone on over text and group chat and it might be better to chat one on one.

Sounds like a good idea. There is no nuance in text/ written messages so things can come across differently than if you have a chat with someone.

I know if it was me, I would actually need a bit of time to myself in that situation, regardless of what was involved. Maybe take that angle a bit.

Hopefully it will all work out well.

Hoboo

My friends know my position on animals, horse and dog racing is out. They respect that.

Tell her yours and ask her does she not share the same love.

There’s always one.

JupiterKid

Often as we grow older, we become less tolerant of just going along with our friends doing things they might enjoy but we do not. I’m sure many can agree on this one.

OP, I would suggest that you phone this friend that the problem is with directly and try to resolve the issue and get your point across. Nothing like a direct phone call to sort things out quickly as opposed to endless texts back and forth which can be misconstrued and lacking nuance and context as another poster here opined. People seem to avoid talking directly over the phone these days which can easily resolve issues like these.

I’m sure if your friend really cares for you she will be happy to do that activity with the other ladies and understand your point of view - you can go off and do your own thing until later in the day when you all meet up again.

HalloweenJack

I don't see the problem with you nipping off for a bit while the others go, if its so important to this other friend. Or they could even go themselves.

The ball's in their court. There does have to be compromise to some extent among friends but your objection seems to be on principle as opposed to preference so you should stick to your guns if it gets messy.

AlanG

OP, when you say venue is it only one element of the weekend you object to or the locaton for the whole weekend? If one friend is always the organiser then perhaps they feel annoyed that people who don't put in the effort come along after they have done a lot of work and then give out about the option. Did anyone else try to arrange something beforehand? Often in groups of friends there are loads who say "oh we must go away" but only one or two who actually do the work (and put bookings on their card). Is it possible that they perceive it that way? If so then perhaps you could offer to look after the accomadation selection and booking or something like that.

anewme

Thanks everyone. I phoned on Sunday. It is the overall venue that is the dealbreaker, not any one activity.

The organiser was annoyed as I think she thought I did not want to go to the venue and would prefer somewhere nicer, but more expensive, and was trying to get out of it, which I was not. Also, if we did not go the weekend that was available, then we would be back on the long finger doing the…oh, we must schedule something.

Anyway, I said I wont be going to the venue and that the others could go if they wanted. As an alternative, I suggested we go for dinner in Dublin City somewhere nice, so we are still getting out, but not staying the weekend. I dont think she was fully happy, but is going to go with it.

I do understand where she is coming from, but like Hoboo above, animals are a veto for me and I will stick to my principles on this one.

Pauliedragon

If they are close friends surely they know your stance regarding animals and would have stuck it in the no pile straight away. Personally I don't have such a stance but I respect people who do and if I was organising a weekend away I wouldn't look at such a venue twice. They've put you in a very difficult position and at least one of them seems very selfish. You said it's causing tension to me it seems that tension is a one way street directed at you I hope you don't feel anyway bad you've done nothing wrong.