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Child Item

I fear the future

terrorman

I'm a single 50 year-old male living at home with my parents. It was my own choice, I wasn't forced into it. I lived in rented accomodation away from home up until 2017.

I work in IT and I am fairly well-qualified so I was able to change jobs if I wanted. I saw a job advertised near my parents home and I applied for it and got it.

I could have lived near where I worked but I decided to move home as my parents were getting on in age (they are both in their 90's now).

They were able to look after themselves when I was living away from them but when I visited them at the weekend I noticed they were becoming more frail and I really felt sorry for them. During my time living by myself I used to get upset thinking about them at home on their own. I couldn't bear it. Old age is so cruel, it really is.

There were other reasons too; they live on a farm and the land is rented. There isn't much to be done but there still needs to be somebody there to look after things (fix water leaks and fences etc.). My dad used to do that before I moved home but he can't do that anymore now. So I do that now.

Another unfortunate circumstance is that there are about ten (mostly feral) cats around the farm that have to be fed. They are a nuisance but I am an animal-lover so I feed them religiously morning and evening. If I am not there they starve basically.

My best friend died of cancer in 2018 and that really knocked me back. There was a network of friends me and him had but I lost touch with them during Covid and never got back in touch. It wasn't the same when he wasn't there anyway so I didn't want to remain friends with them.

I also have a bit of OCD about things at home and feel I have to be productive all the time. I never take holidays (haven't been on a plane in 5 and half years).

I never go out at the weekend or stay somewhere else overnight.

I can't make friends in work because if I get into a long conversation with them I worry that the subject of my living arrangements will come up and it's just embarrassing for me.

Most of them are all married with kids and houses etc. so I feel massively inferior to them. I never go to work nights out as a result and don't converse much with them whenever I am in the office. Since Covid I work at home almost every day so that means I spend the day in my parents house as well.

My sister lives with her husband and kids about an hours drive away. She does her bit in fairness and has said to me that if I am ever going anywhere she will cover for me.

I don't have a close relationship with her though.

I am on medication for depression for ten years, I haven't had an "episode" in that time thankfully but I live in constant fear of one. I suppose I am going through one right now but the meds are mitigating it. When I had them before I went on medication they almost cost me dearly but I managed to hang in there. The meds definitely help now.

It's a catch-22 situation; I don't want to put my parents in a nursing home but I am also dissatisfied and fatigued from looking after them.

I have a lot to be grateful for; I am healthy, have a good job that I like most of the time, no debts and am not separated with kids or in an unhappy marriage.

I don't look my age, I am not overweight, I dress well although I have lost a bit of hair. I look kind of boyish.

I always felt I wasn't good enough to have a girlfriend. A young girl told me years ago when I spoke about it to her that "the problem is in your head John". When I was younger some girls liked me and a good few had crushes on me and I liked them back but I was too nervous to go on a date. Probably just as well as they would have dumped me anyway.

I sometimes look at guys in relationships and I am envious that they have a confidante to lean on. Other times I look at guys in relationships and I am not envious at all.

I don't have anyone to support me emotionally; if I had a girlfriend and she was nice and really loved me she would be someone to confide in (and I would do the same for her).

Obviously you can't be like that all the time, you have to have a laugh too. I have a good enough sense of humour but I am a bit nervous and shy.

I don't know what's brought on these feelings now; I suppose it's just that the years of looking after my parents are starting to take their toll,not physically but emotionally.

My mother has dementia, not severe but still a bit challenging to deal with. She asks me the same questions repeatedly. Her memory is non-existent. My father is on meds for depression but he still gets very down. I have to help him dress himself most mornings. It upsets me a lot that he can't do those things himself anymore.

A lot of the reason I spend so much time with my parents is I don't want to have any regrets when they pass away. I had a few regrets when my friend died. I wish I had spent more time with him but I thought he would be there for all of my life. He was a good friend and I miss him a lot.

I was in the office for all of last week and it was actually nice to get out of the house and speak to someone other than my parents. The receptionist would say "Hi John" to me and that was a nice thing I hadn't experienced in a while. I also met an old college friend last Wednesday night and we had a good chat for a few hours. That cheered me up.

I don't want to make myself out to be some kind of martyr for staying at home, it was my own decision, nobody put a gun to my head.

On a visit to my GP regarding my depression years ago I remember him basically ordering me to get into a relationship. He seemed to think all my problems would be over once that came about :-). But I have three friends who were in long term relationships and all three are single. Two of them had children from those relationships and they don't see them every day so that must be tough. Coincidentally all three were obsessed with having a girlfriend for as long as I knew them. I feel they got into a relationship just for the sake of it maybe.

Btw I am paying my way at home (more than paying it in fact) so I am not free-loading.

I will be gutted when my parents die but I'm just worried about myself and what the future holds for me.

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looksee

Not pathetic, but not helpful either. Probably a symptom of the whole issue, and that needs attention. You can cope with looking after your parents, lots of people do, but not in your present frame of mind. Go to your GP and ask for help, if you have to take medication for a year or two then do it, its not a sign of defeat or weakness, we all need help at some time in our lives. Don't beat yourself up, you wouldn't feel guilty if you had bronchitis or some other physical illness, but get help.

Deeec

Some brief points

- 50 years old is still young for a man. You are still young enough to get married and have a family.

- your situation of caring for your parents at home isn't unusual at all. You will find alot of people in their 40/50s have similar problems so you need to open up and reveal your situation to people. Actually a man who is caring towards their parents is attractive to women. It shows you are a good person.

- I would assume as you are living at home that you will inherit your parents home and farm. If this is the case you will be financially secure in the future which is good.

- you sound like you have a good sister who wants to help so work out a rota with her so you can have some free time. Also work with your sister to secure some home help for your parents.

You need to stop dwelling on the bad and focus on all that's good. You are a good man and you need to realise that there are loads of women out there looking for a man exactly like you. If you act now your situation could be much improved by next Christmas. Best of luck.

terrorman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537572#Comment_121537572

Myself and my sister will inherit the farm and home. I am not really thinking about that though.

mrslancaster

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537572#Comment_121537572

Lots of great advice and as others have suggested, less time working from home will help. Being alone in the house and caring for elderly parents is not easy. When you ask your sister for help with your parents, ask if she has any single friends she can introduce you to - she may know single women through her kids activities, schools, or through her hobbies. Also, some of your colleagues might know single women who would be delighted to meet a kind man like you - lots of workplaces have someone who enjoys playing cupid.

Sometimes we feel too proud to ask for help but we all want to make a connection with someone special and people close to us want to help if they can. If they are married or have partners, they know what it's like trying to find a soul-mate. If you don't say that you're looking, nobody will know and your friends and family might assume you're quite happy with the way things are.

rolling boh

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121538281#Comment_121538281

Proberly a bit off topic but you will have to think about that situation , often a source of trouble .

Sonic the Shaghog

Yep, especially as he seems to be doing all the caring at the moment and the parents are expecting it.

The sister has offered the odd day to cover and now with a "carers don't come cheap"

But no doubt she'll be first in line at the solicitors.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121540908#Comment_121540908

It should be an imperative topic of conversation. Essentially it's your home that will be the most pressing issue, OP.

rolling boh

Proberly wrong to use the off topic bit just it wasn't really mentioned in the post .For me it is a huge issue that will come to a head and could leave the op with a big issue to sort out .

looksee

Just leave it for now, there are more important things to sort at the moment.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Please advise on the matters that the OP has specifically asked advice on.

Please also bear in mind that PI is not a discussion forum. Back and forth between posters derails the thread and is unfair to the OP.

Thanks

Hilda

terrorman

The inheritance of the land is not completely off-topic. I keep an eye on my parents current account, I never take a cent for myself. My sister is always warning me not to take any money out of the savings account for our parents (unless they really need it). She says this is because if something happened to one of our parents (e.g. fell and broke their hip) then the house would have to be modernised or else they may have to go into a nursing home.

The money for that would be substantial and would have to come out of the savings account. If that money wasn't there (or not enough of it) then the land would have to be sold to pay for it. I understand her thinking there, some posters will no doubt say that she wants the money for herself. I don't think so however. If the savings have to be dipped into to pay for home care she would be OK with that. Whether my mother would be is another matter. Our family have never had a disagreement about money. I have a good job myself, I have always wanted to work for whatever I get, I would rather my parents money be spent to make their lives comfortable for their remaining years.

I went to see my doctor today and spilled out my troubles to him. He said the same as what posters have said here; apply for a public health nurse and tell a little white lie; that in my job I was able to work from home for the last 6 years but now I am required to come in to the office for a few days a week and neither myself nor my sister are able to care for my mother on those days.

He also gave me the number of a local dementia support unit.

If my mother's dementia worsened I might have to consider the nuclear option and move out completely. In that situation I would have to euthanise all the cats because none of them are tame and wouldn't settle in a new home. Maybe if there was someone with land and buildings where they could roam around I could trap them and give them to him/her but that's a long shot. I know some people will say "to hell with the cats, they are only cats" but I just couldn't think like that.

larkingabout

I have spent 5.5 years caring for my mother with Dementia. I am an emotional wreck as a result and became depressed, resentful and angry too. You need to contact the PHN to have a needs assessment done and home help will be provided especially for the mornings. Contact Family Carers, Western Alzheimers, Alzheimers Ireland who all provide few hours respite during the week. You are entitled to a few weeks respite per year in a care home in order to have a break yourself. All of this is free. My mother had not signed over her house or land and therefore the value of her assets is taken into consideration when calculating the Fair Deal support for nursing home care. This made me hesitant about admitting her to a home but I knew I could no longer sustain the full time care. I have no living sibling so if i got sick there was no one to take over.She is now 3 months in a nursing home but it is very expensive. Her savings are being used together with pension and land rental income. I sat on the fence too for some time but I could see I was deteriorating as a person and it will take a long time to recover myself. Act now it's time.

marilynrr

In that situation I would have to euthanise all the cats because none of them are tame and wouldn't settle in a new home. Maybe if there was someone with land and buildings where they could roam around I could trap them and give them to him/her but that's a long shot. I know some people will say "to hell with the cats, they are only cats" but I just couldn't think like that.

How far are you away from other people? You might find someone local willing to go out and feed them every day, there are many animal lovers out there.

Flinty997

Just been through similar with parents and I can only echo what others have said, get help in.

Get the legal side wrapped early. Easier when the parents are able to help sort that out.

You're in a bubble both in the day to day and mentally. Need to escape that regularly to break out of of both bubbles.

terrorman

Thanks for the replies, I am back at work today (from home). I am going in to the office on Thursday. I got a bit depressed last night because I was looking at Facebook profiles of a couple of lads in my locality that are married with kids. I was envious and I did get a bit torn up. They met their wives in their early thirties or late twenties though. I was totally aimless in those years and went to college when I was 29. After I graduated I had few jobs and spent a bit of time unemployed. I had mental health issues in those times too. I got this job when I was 44 and and I consider it fairly stable. I will hopefully stay in it until I retire. So I wasn't really in a position conducive to a relationship until recently. But I am living with my parents which makes me a big turn-off. I have kind of accepted I will remain single for life now. I was never good at talking to girls anyway.

Those lads in those Facebook profiles could talk the hind legs off a donkey. I can't tell you the number of times I cam home from a night out years ago so upset that yet again I wasn't able to hold a conversation with whoever it was I had been talking to that night. I was never able to do it. One female friend said to me I was too quiet and I should talk more. It stung (and still does to this day). I know she was only trying to help but it's not like I could wake up one morning and decide "I am going to talk a lot more". Or I could flick a switch in my head that makes me talk more. It's a big disadvantage in the dating game, fatal in fact. I tried really hard, I did, but I just couldn't do it.

It hurts because I want to talk but I can't think of anything to say. I used alcohol as a crutch a few times but I don't like doing that.

I know girls say they wouldn't mind if a guy is quiet as long as they like him and enjoy his company but I don't believe that. In this country women expect you to talk non-stop for hours and if you can't they will move on to someone who will. I know because I have seen it with my own eyes. I'm not bitter, fair play to those lads that can talk a lot, I envy them, I don't resent them at all. I also don't resent women who reject quiet guys. I can understand it. I think it is something you are born with and you can't train yourself to do it. In social situations when it happens to me I get discouraged and don't go out again. It's just too painful an experience.

Some girls in the past liked the look of me but I always failed the audition once I got talking to them. I could never strike up a rapport or build chemistry.

I woke up early this morning again and I got a bit panicky thinking about the future and what will happen to me. I hyperventilated a bit in fact. Waking up early on a dark morning with those thoughts running through your head is not a nice place to be. I am going back to the HSE for an appointment anyway. Disappointing because it feels like a step back.

As regards getting home help in my sister has already looked into this and the most we can get is one hour a week. I think there was a needs assessment done and that is what they said. That obviously isn't going to be enough so we will have to get a private carer in. They charge between 30 and 30 euro per hour. That will have to come out of my parents savings because the money they get for their pension and the rent of the land is only covering bills (I cover them too). The longer my mother lives the more will have to be taken out of the savings. If her dementia gets really bad we might have to put her into permanent care. In that case we would probably have to sell the land because the cost would be enormous. My father may also have health problems in the future.

But look the way I see it is there has been a carer doing it for free for a good few years (me that is) and that had to come to an end at some stage. She doesn't have bad dementia in fairness but I still have to do things like fetch dinners and do the washing and cleaning.

We are fortunate in that we have savings and land to pay for home care, others are not so fortunate and that is really tough on them, they have to look after their parents themselves because they can't afford private care and can't get it from the HSE. I wouldn't like it if the land had to be sold but it has happened to other people.

I suspect my sister is reluctant to bring in home help because she knows the savings (and the money from the land if it has to be sold) will be depleted the longer that help continues.

That means there will be less inheritance for her when my parents pass away. Home help is expensive and can eat up thousands in a short time.

If I am doing it for nothing then the longer I am doing it the more money there is for her. She likes the money, I know that. Maybe I should have seen this coming when I moved home six years ago. But I did it primarily out of pity for my parents. Covid played a part too. I miss the independence I had when I lived on my own sometimes.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121560278#Comment_121560278

You are your own worst enemy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man still living at home - honestly that is not a turn off for women. Also girls dont want loud mouth men - they may be great craic on a night out but are annoying as partners. Women want kindness, honesty and reliability which you seem to have. Believe me you have all the qualities that women want - you just need to get out there and start talking to women. Pubs and nightclubs are not the best place for this.

Look into the fair deal scheme if you think your parents may need nursing home care. Also as regards home help you have to become very demanding. You need to say your parents needs are worse than they actually are. You have to say you are working in the office and are not at home to take care of them. You have to tell lies to get home help care - believe me its the only way. Dont go down the route of paying for help - you shouldnt have to do this - your parents are in their 90's and if the authorities dont think they need help well it says it all on what a useless brainless bunch they are.

Allocate weeks where your sister has to assume the role of carer thus freeing up time for you. Talk to people about your situation - chances are some of your married friends also have the same issues with caring for parents. Its not easy for married people with kids that also have to care for parents either - they have a whole other set of difficulties trying to juggle everything. The grass is not always greener Terrorman.

TheadoreT

Being quiet isn't the problem, you being insecure about it is. Your self talk is very negative.

I'm more introverted than extroverted and tend to be on the quiet side, but I'm calm and confident and think I'm interesting. I match best with talkative/excitable women, my girlfriend has never had an issue with it and we probably balance each other out.

Self love and acceptance is key, and not putting yourself mentally at a disadvantage to others you perceive have advantages over you. And never make your perceived shortcomings an excuse for not trying, that's the biggest failure.

Leg End Reject

My best advice is to contact the public health nurse, explain how you feel and demand your parents are given respite care for a week or two. Be difficult until you get this or you'llbe fobbed off.

While in respite their care needs will be properly assessed. This will open the door to home help paid by the HSE, and/or long-term care for one or both of them.

Get yourself away when they're in respite, have a breather and decide honestly if you can continue to live like this if they both come home.

This is very clinical, but guilt can be a killer. You're 50 and you want to make a life for yourself, your parents have had theirs.

looksee

Again, go to your gp and arrange to see a counsellor, that is most urgent at the moment. You have to improve your self-image, you are determinedly (but understandably) in a state of gloom, that can be helped, with counselling or with medication, let your gp decide. When you are better in yourself you will feel more able to sort the issues with your parents.

The whole business of relationships and partners isn't the be-all and end-all you think it is. You need friends, and confidence in yourself and your situation, struggling to find a life-relationship in your current state of mind is not necessarily the solution you need at the moment.

whelan2

What would happen if something happened to you? Life would go on. You need to get your sister to get her finger out and help out. You can't continue as you are.

terrorman

I am in a state of gloom; I find my mood improves when I get out of the house. Even if I just go into town to the supermarket and see a few different faces it cheers me up. I get all gloomy again when I go back to the house though 😊. I didn't mind it before, it just sort of hit me there before Christmas.

I wouldn't like it if paying for the home help has to come out of my parents savings; I'd pay for it myself if I could. I feel guilty about that. My sister knows I don't have good mental health and has probably recognised the negative effect staying at home every day with elderly parents is having on me. She knows I didn't have too many other friends to turn to after my mate died.

Someone said guilt can be a killer; they are right; I take it to extremes; since I moved home if I went out just for a few hours to do something for myself I'd be thinking I shouldn't be doing it because my parents are at home on their own.

Maybe I am putting too much emphasis on having a relationship, it might not make things better.

Sonic the Shaghog

What's happening is you have so stress and things going on you are working yourself up and going down all sorts of rabbit holes and can't see the wood from the trees. I know cause I've been in this exact situation as you.

With mam her liver had issues and it caused dementia like carry on due to ammonia build up in the system. I was terrified, I had the farm but the home house I thought was gonna go up against possible nursing home care. I was trying to keep it going between myself working full-time and carers and then going down deep holes about having to use my bit of savings to keep the house by paying off the fair deal, but she passed anyways.

See I'm not sure what's going on with 1 hour, I know people with their minds about them and just need help with dinners and a supervised shower and they get at least 6/8 hours a week between a couple.

Either your sister didn't put much research into it or you had a shite PHN. Another thing is why didn't ye take the 1 hour? You'll only get a few hours initially but you keep calling and pushing from you, to your GP who pushes and then hopefully a good PHN as well. Tell me have any of them been to hospital lately? If any of them do I've found the consultants etc and their teams can be very good to demand someone needs more hours

Now there you go again with running yourself down, it's ok, I know the feeling. Do you know what I tried was CBT, it's actually free online on a app with Silver Cloud even without a medical card, ask to be referred. I thought it was a load of shite when I did it and do you know what I noticed months later? I'd been subconsciously using some of the techniques.

You have a good job, you are a nice fella, you could easily still buy or throw up a house if you meet someone.

This women don't like quiet fellas is nonsense. Some like loudmouths, some like quiet lads and others in the middle.

Also why in the name of Christ are you gonna use your savings to pay for private care when you think the sister will be in demanding the inheritance? She's having the best of it now, you looking after them, she's her own life away from it and yet she's assuming the house and farm will be split of you are doing all this?

whelan2

One thing to keep in mind or keep saying next Christmas things will be different and work towards it. Would the cleaner do an extra hour or so as your parents know her and maybe she could cook dinner or something

Sonic the Shaghog

Has your mother got an official diagnosis of dementia? I'm just thinking on how I'd clients getting an hour a day and they had a dementia diagnosis but very early you wouldn't even notice it, he'd 1 hour a day just to help him wash himself only so can't understand how you are only getting 1 hour

Not only that you need to dress your father most mornings you said so he should be getting 1 hour in the morning at minimum allocated

Goodigal

Maybe you are thinking too much bout the relationship thing, but even a chat or a coffee once a week with a friend would be good for you if you can manage to arrange it.

You're getting great advice from other posters. Push for more help because you need it.

terrorman

Just to answer a couple of questions there; the one hour from the PHN was offered to us I am fairly sure; it was what she said we require based on her visit (which I don't know if it was an official needs assessment). It won't happen for a few weeks though.

My mother has not got an official diagnosis of dementia I am fairly sure.

My father can dress himself most mornings, but with difficulty I would say. He sometimes does the buttons up wrong on his shirt.

The savings I am referring to are my parents savings, not mine. My sister has offered to come to the house the days I work from the office, in fairness to her. I suppose she is also maybe worried I might just crack completely and move out and then she has a real problem. At least if I get away one or two days a week it will be some respite for me.

Sonic the Shaghog

Ok if she's no diagnosis how do ye know she's dementia as such? Some people get very scattered brained or "doting" as we say around my wage at certain ages.

You can ask your GP, there's tests they do memory ones, the PHN will come out and do and it gives scores that will aid you. Plus looks above at the Alzheimer's associations and other they'll give advice and how to find out of she actually has it

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121563405#Comment_121563405

Infections in the elderly can cause confusion as well - we thought my mother in law was going loopy but it turned out to be a bad infection. A simple course of antibiotics changed her behaviour completely.

OP You need to get your mum referred to get a diagnosis. There are memory clinics dotted around the country that do comprehensive tests on the elderly - my husband bought my father in law to this clinic and he was very well looked after and my husbands concerns re his dad was listened to also. Get her GP to refer her to this service.

CelticRambler

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121561532#Comment_121561532

I wouldn't like it if paying for the home help has to come out of my parents savings; I'd pay for it myself if I could. I feel guilty about that.

Hang on a sec : what do you think your parents are saving for? It's not like they're going to treat themselves to a round-the-world cruise now, is it? And if they're in their 90s, they're hardly going to be thinking of building an extension or remodelling the kitchen, are they? By the sounds of it, neither of them is in the market for a new car, either. At this stage, and without meaning to be morbid about it, the only legitimate reason for keeping "savings" in the bank is to pay for their funerals.

You would be completely mad to pay for their needs out of your income when you might well want to put that money towards your own wedding, or a stupidly expensive holiday with the girl you fancy, or any number of other justifiable self-indulgences in the coming years. It almost sounds like you're trying keep that money for your sister, who's already enjoying the considerable benefit-in-kind of having you shoulder all the stress and responsibility. And if that is the case, you need to put your foot down and tell your sister that the current arrangement has run its course, and she has to choose between a nice little inheritance or taking on the duties of being a carer herself.

larkingabout

The care, needs to be shared equally. Your sister needs to do it every other week or whatever arrangements ye come up with -but equal. Your sister is minding herself, you must do likewise and stand in your power. You can do the paperwork for the Fair Deal to see how much your parents need to pay should it become necessary. It may be less than you think and may be doable . I had no idea that it would be possible and i didnt want the farm and house sold. I realised with her savings and income that it was doable. That was a huge relief but only that i was advised to do it i would have sat imagining it was insurmountable. An auctioneer needs to value the house and land. The value of the house is taken into consideration for 3 years. 80 percent of the income is included . The first 30k of savings is not included the rest is calculated at 7 percent. We try to control everything but we dont know the endgame so we miss opportunities or close our minds to options.. Hand all over to your higher power and you will find the way forward. You were given a life to live -your life, not your parents life, not your sisters life. To keep putting others needs or what we imagine to be their needs, before our own is not living our path or our best life. It is not your job to secure an inheritance for your sister. if she wants it she must work for it, simple as that. Don't let your perceptions of other people's needs be your focus the day you stop that way of thinking, you take your first step to freedom and the start of you loving yourself. Then the law of attraction will start to work.