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Sister alcohol issues

Darmac84

just looking advice on how deal my sister who's an alcoholic, she denies and she lies to us all time about it, we really starting worry for as she taking more risks when she drunk, she drink least 2 up to 4 bottles wine a day, she could go down th her room fine in around noon and fall out smashed 20 minutes later, she still holding down her job but I'm hearing word back that people started notice it at work, shaking etc, if she loses her job I fear that be end of her it only time she doesn't drink, if she at home full time she never stop, she lovely person underneath but just in complete denial, we all tried getting through her to no avail, rings me drunk on occasions saying she hasn't drank in 4 days but I know by her voice she's drinking again, she be looking to look babysit n spend time with my kids but I don't trust her on her own to look after them, then makes you feel bad for it, she asked me could she walk them shop last week(live on busy road) I said OK I go with yous, once we got on footpath road side I noticed she was drunk again I was so upset she was going take my 3 year that needs watching out along the busy road in a drunk state, there no talking her, we feel our hands our tied as she would need seek treatment herself but won't, we offered help with that but doesnt want know,we all tired covering for her when thing go wrong, if anyone has anyy advice, it's very stressful on all of us, it's really sad watching her drink her life away, sorry so long but that's only a fraction of whole story

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[Deleted User]

No-one is drinking 2 to 4 bottles of wine a day and holding down a job. Good luck.

SCOOP 64

What do you think the reason behind the heavy drinking is, try to tackle this and your half way there.

foxsake

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119517107#Comment_119517107

. I've met functioning alcoholics with decent jobs who would do 2 bottle (or equivalent ) every night - no hassle and be up for work at 7.

4 bottles of wine regular would be a challenge alright

Darmac84

She could have one first thing morn then day, then at night, 2-3 would prob be closer but it just guessing game, she can be flat out drunk numerous occasions throughout the day ,I just go by the empties, dont know how the body takes it

Sardonicat

The first thing you must do is STOP covering for her. She's in denial, so let her experience the consequences of her drinking. I've seen Al-Anon meetings recommended highly on here by people in similar situations as yourself. You can't force her to stop drinking, sadly. All you can do is change how you behave and react towards it. I'm sorry you're going through this. You must be out of your mind with worry.

3DataModem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058260212/sister-alcohol-issues

"she denies and she lies to us all time about it,"

tell her that you have to reduce contact, especially with your children,
do not enable her financially, or any other way
tell her that when she wants help, you will be there for her.
tell her that if she needs support finding help, you will help her
reduce contact

Note; there are services for family members of alcoholics, you could reach out to them for help coping, but they will probably say the above.

Princess Calla

Until she is ready to admit she has a problem there is nothing productive you can do for her.

You could maybe attend an Al-Anon meeting for your own support.

I wouldn't leave her alone with my children, to be honest I'd be reluctant to have any adult around my children who is drunk.

If you enable her in anyway you are just dragging out the situation. Some people need to hit rock bottom before they will seek help. For some they will never seek help and this is their life now.

starbaby2003

This must be a very stressful situation for you. Are you the only one in the family who notices? Was there a trigger that started it? How long has it been ongoing. Is there anyone a family member/ friend who she would listen to? Her work may have an employee assistance programme (EAP), which might be another route to go down? It sounds like she does know she has a problem if she is denying drinking .

Big Bag of Chips

we all tired covering for her when thing go wrong, if anyone has anyy advice, it's very stressful on all of us,

So stop covering for her. It's covering for her and smoothing over the problems that allows her to continue drinking with zero consequences.

Read this

A Merry Go Round For Femaile Alcoholic- final (1).pdf

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119517107#Comment_119517107

I once worked with a chap who would drink 6+ pints each evening, and then drink another 2 bottles of wine when he got home. He never once failed to show for work as expected the next day, and in fairness to him he always put in a decent shift, you could not fault his work. He eventually succumbed to serious health issues, which I am quite sure were drink related.

You would be surprised at the amount of drink that a hardened drinker can put away and still function work wise.

Floricwil

Sorry to hear this OP. This post struck a cord with me because my own sister died of liver disease due to her alcoholism last year.

My sister lived abroad so the extent of her drinking wasn't fully apparent. But when she was home, like your sister, she could go upstairs fine and then come down 30 mins later drunk. It was like night and day. She was drinking huge amounts of alcohol every day, telling lies left right and centre about it, completely dismissed any concerns anyone had and I feel sort of gas-lighted anyone who did raise a concern.

The consequences and ripple effects of my sisters drinking and subsequent death cannot by overstated. Peoples worlds have imploded. Its probably a controversial thing to say because I know alcoholism is a disease, but when you're in the affected family, it's so hard not to be pissed off/angry/furious with the person drinking and think they are the most selfish person on the planet. Then 10 seconds later you feel guilty and upset for thinking badly of them and berating yourself for not being understanding enough/kind enough/doing enough to help them. Along with that, throw in a healthy dose of frustration/worry/confusion/helplessness/grief/pity/sympathy/hopelessness/heartbreak/lmisery/anxiety.... you name it.

I don't really have any advice for you except to say you sound like a great brother/sister to have - even if your sister can't see it. You are trying your best to help. Its so so hard if the other person won't accept this help. Stay strong xxx

Big Bag of Chips

Would you go to Al-Anon? Unless your sister decides enough is enough there's not a whole lot you can do about her. But Al-Anon will help you. It will give you the space to say all the things you want to say. And you will realise that your sister is pretty much the same as every other problem drinker. And you and your family are pretty much the same as every other family living with a problem drinker.

Darmac84

Thanks for your comment, you put into words exactly how things are, im so sorry for your loss, that my biggest fear, just keep trying get someone get through to her as our words to her go ignored, thinking maybe getting few family plus friends of hers to get her in a room together and tell her at once what we're witnessing and how worried we are for her, so she can't just blow it off, some sort interventions , here's hoping

Thanks again

Big Bag of Chips

An intervention is unlikely to bring the results you hope for if your sister is not ready to hear it. It will most likely just anger her. She'll fight against you all. Blame you. Nobody likes to be ganged up on.

Stopping enabling her is your first step. Stop covering for her. Let her feel the consequences of her drinking. Don't allow her to walk your children anywhere. Don't allow her be alone with them at any time. Don't allow them see her in a drunk state. Keep them away from her. If she asks why tell her. Don't make excuses. Don't soften the blow. Be straight. Tell her no. "detach with love" Al-Anon call it.

Don't lie to other people for her. Don't cover up her drinking. Don't loan her money. The merry go round can only keep going as long as she has people on it with her. If one or 2 key people get off. The merry go round stops.

bb1234567

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119517107#Comment_119517107

You would be shocked how much alcoholics drink. I think I recall hearing that in UK/USA/Ireland or most western countries just 5% of the heaviest drinkers in the population drink 50% of all the alcohol drank in the country. Obviously they will suffer very poor healthy long term but short term the body can adapt very well to hangovers and such , so much so that alcoholics barely feel them. It's how they keep drinking so much.

asturias

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119517107#Comment_119517107

Not true. Anyone who takes recreational drugs apart from alcohol (in particularly benzos and opioids) develops a tolerance and requires a higher and higher dose to achieve the same effect.

What the OP's sister is drinking would most likely kill a non-alcoholic or leave them with alcohol poisoning but her brain has adjusted over time to compensate for the excessive alcohol.

joeguevara

I’m not trying to be demeaning but looking at your very limited posting history you have ex troubles, work troubles, family troubles and now sister alcoholic troubles. Focus on yourself and forget about troubles.

Darmac84

No offence taken I know am doing so, slow process, mental health issues were at forefront growing up in my home,i only realise now with all complications thats its follwed me, years of bad decision making and wrong turns, it's feels good to be write stuff up here just get off my chest and have bit feedback see if I'm thinking straight or going overboard, when we were young everything had be secret you were worst in world if spoke about problems at home to anyone, did me no good keeping it all in, left school, stay in jobs I don't like, not be able set people straight for fear of abandonment

madonna123

This is just awful, I can see it with my daughters father.

He is an alcoholic , with two sisters and they are heartbroken.

He managed to wreck both of their wedding days and causing all sorts of issues with the family business.

I see them burn themselves out over him, their families are suffering because if it.

It’s easy to say .. walk away , save yourself etc but when it’s a sibling it’s different.

you are in a codependent relationship with your sibling, they’re addiction is controlling you.

I see it with them , no matter what destructive things he does , they never stop hoping and trying to help him change.

For me though as someone trying to co-parent with someone like this , is enabling.

It can be very frustrating because he sees them as his alloys so he never sees fault in his behaviour.

It’s a fine line and I’m not sure if anyone has the perfect answer except for .. what ever happens to her is not your fault or responsibility.

Darmac84

Just an update,As of last week my sister went into an addiction treatment center after some very low points of late, took long time for her admit problem but hopefully it works for her

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120708872#Comment_120708872

...thats great to hear, addiction is truly dreadful for everyone, of course for the person themselves, but for those around them, i hope it goes well for your sister, she ll need a lot of support from you and your family, with no judgment..... i hope she gets long term supports such as appropriate therapies, theres also no harm in considering this for yourself and others effected by this....best of luck....

Big Bag of Chips

Have you looked into Al-Anon? I think you would get great benefit from it.

I spent years advising others to attend Al-Anon without realising that I needed it myself. When I eventually picked up the courage and attended a meeting 4 years ago I felt a relief. Sitting in a room with others telling pretty much exactly the same story. People who had acted and reacted the same as I did. It changed my life. The drinker in my life stopped drinking 3 years ago. My meetings stopped due to Covid and I had not returned since then, thinking because the drinker was no longer drinking I was "fine". I've recently realised I'm not "fine" and Al-Anon isn't about or for the drinker, it's about me, it's for me!

In my meeting there were women whose husbands hadn't drank for 40 years. There were women who were widowed 20 years ago - yet they continued to attend meetings. Now I understand why. As I said, my drinker hasn't drank for 3 years, but I still very much struggle with aspects of my life. So I need Al-Anon for me.

iniscealtra

That’s great. 🤞

Darmac84

Thanks will look into that, we have lot ponder over, lot of changes in household of late due to another family member becoming ill at Christmas, so will have seek less stressful environment for her coming out

JupiterKid

Good to hear that your sister has finally admitted that she has a serious problem and is going into rehab, OP.

However, it is really only the very beginning of the recovery process. If she is to succeed, she will really need good aftercare supports and regular attendance at AA/Lifering/Smart recovery meetings at least twice a week. Getting a sponsor who will take her through the 12 steps process is also very important. I say this as a recovering alcoholic myself, over 4 years sober now.

Your sister has to really want this for herself and not just to appease family and friends. If it is the latter, she will not succeed - as I learned myself from experience.

I would also strongly recommend that your sister gets a copy of the AA big book which explains the insidious nature of alcoholism as an illness, the lack of control and the need to understand that one's drinking must be over for good.

The AA Big Book study group based in Aungier Street in Dublin is a particularly good group which focuses on reading from the big book. This group helped me to finally get sober in early 2019, after years of being in various treatment centres and many relapses.

Please also look after yourself OP and your family - Al-Anon is a very good support resource in this regard.

Big Bag of Chips

@Darmac84 have a read through this. I often link it in threads like yours. It was the first thing I read from Al-Anon.

taxAHcruel

Hi OP - just to extend what the others were saying about the "detach with love" approach. I was only this week listening to a podcast interview with someone who was on the alcoholic side of this. And is parents and others did exactly that "detach with love" approach. And he says it was the best thing they could have done for him.

He describes the entire process and how he got into alcoholism and back out of it - and how the well meaning actions of his close ones were actually enabling him in many ways.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5bVcazu4fFSGYFpvCUPmys

There is a lot in it but it might build on what people in the thread have already said and also give you some perspective from the recovering alcoholics side of things. The Two Norries podcast will also have a lot of material that will track your experiences too. Hopefully a lot there to absorb to help you in the coming times.

All good news though that the alcoholic in question has identified there is an issue and is taking steps. That's a big hurdle to have gotten over! Let's hope it continues.

ILoveYourVibes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058260212/sister-alcohol-issues

Im really sorry. I have a family member that can knock it back in similar quantities.

I dont know what to say. You can try Al Anon for familial support. You sound like a great sister.

Darmac84

OK sorry say this so she left after 6 weeks of 12 was due to complete, tried convince us all she was best woman they come across and were fine with her leaving, didnt beleive a word of it,tried my best convince her to stay, within one day of leaving was back on bottle and twice as hard also belive she dropping pills like xanax, my dad's carers has told us to tell her move out house soon as possible as causing my dad too much stress, were desperately disappointed and can't get straight word out her since she came back as she seems out her head on something even when not drunk, were to turn next we have no idea, I rang the place and nothing she's told us was true in anyway they pleaded with her stay but cannot take her back as she left and is not willing

JupiterKid

I’m very sorry to hear that, OP, but unfortunately from my own experience as an alcoholic in good solid recovery you simply cannot force or coerce your sister to get sober - the willingness has to come from her and her alone. Ultimatums never work.

It sounds like your sister engaged with the treatment centre just to get you and your family off her back and perhaps was never really intent on stopping the drinking. I did this myself, though I would have completed the rehabs fully but shortly after leaving would relapse. My recovery only came about when I myself badly wanted the drinking to stop for good as it was killing me and went through the A.A. 12 steps programme with a sponsor in 2018/19.

I agree with the carer of your father that your sister being there is a huge source of stress that he really doesn’t need and remaining in the family home is also probably enabling her drinking so her moving out is probably a good thing but it is also possible that she will end up homeless and her drinking will worsen - this “rock bottom” situation can be the impetus for many chronic alcoholics to finally really want to stop for good and engage with A.A. or other recovery support groups, but be warned that it can also result in her going into a death spiral of self-destruction. I’ve seen both scenarios play out with others I’ve been in rehab and recovery support with over the years.

Please do continue to engage with Al-Anon as they will help you to manage and cope with the situation and it important that you keep well yourself. It’s not your fault that your sister is a chronic alcoholic and as much as you love her, she is not your responsibility, harsh as that may sound.

In an earlier post here, you mentioned that there were mental health issues growing up in your family home and that things were simply not talked about and brushed under the carpet - perhaps your sister’s drinking is related to this background and a childhood trauma of some sort?

I dearly hope that your sister finds sobriety but please do look after yourself.