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Wife is cheating - what next?

PI_R_Anon_12345

Hi all,

I discovered just over a week ago that my wife is cheating on me. Some background first:

We have been going out with each other since 2010, got married a few years later. We had a son in 2015 who was born with a learning disability and ASD. He's in a special school now but doesn't use words and can be a lot to manage. After my wife gave birth she suffered awful with post-natal depression for a number of years. She stopped working, and spent an awful lot of time in bed, leaving me to look after our son. I didn't mind this and my job was able to accommodate at the time, so was all good. In 2021 she started back working again, helping with the Covid pandemic. This seemed to be the corner she needed to turn and she was starting to feel much better, and wasn't as bed-bound as before.

In the middle of last year she got a public sector job as a clerical officer. Initially this was great, but in the run up to Christmas the stress hit hard as an awful lot of the office she was in left or moved on, and replacement staff was slow to be hired, so she was essentially covering multiple jobs. When this started, she started the habit of spending a lot more of her time in bed again, but I reasoned that this was to do with the stress of work/etc.

Christmas was pretty crap. Our son was in awful form (it turned out he was having a reaction to medication he was on) that was affecting his sleep and his mood. At the same time my wife was staying in bed all the time, and I assumed she was having a tough time of it again (which is fine), and did whatever I could to help. When I spoke with her, she was always saying that she was tired and struggling/etc, so all in the same sort of realm as when she was suffering with depression.

In December I went to London for 1 night on my own, this was her suggestion. Because of our son's needs, it's basically impossible at the moment for us to go away together. My wife has had a few weekends with herself, or her sister or friends in Irish hotels, and pushed me to go to London. I went, it was nice. When I came back she was talking about how she'd love to do the same (i.e. go away to Europe somewhere for a few nights on her own). She specifically mentioned a European city as an option, which I thought was cool because my parents were there last year and had nothing but good things to say about it.

In January she told me that she has been speaking with a new person online. She is a member of a few online communities to do with a specific hobby of hers, and has gotten quite close to a few of them. She went to the UK to stay with one of them (a woman) last year, and another was supposed to come to stay here around Patrick's Day but it fell through due to her work. She's always been open about these people and mentions them by name all the time. This time she told me the new person was a guy. She said she wanted to tell me specifically because she didn't want me to think there was something going on. He was a guy who was in the same community as the other women she has befriended and that was all. I think at a later date (might be wrong here) she told me he was from the same European country she had thought about visiting, and was originally from the city in question, but didn't live there. She then booked a trip to that city, and later said that her friend was going to meet her in the city for 2 days (she was staying for 4), he was going to stay with his parents and show her around.

This may seem naïve of me, but I didn't see anything wrong with this. She's entitled to friends and I genuinely didn't have an issue with her having a friend who was a man (she has had many male friends from during and before our relationship who I have met and have been lovely). She flew to the country a week and a half ago, and the day after she left she was looking for something and asked me to check her handbag that she left behind. The thing wasn't there, but I did find her old phone. She has recently got a new iPhone and the old one was in her bag. Something about how she left and how she was messaging me made me want to look at her phone once I had it, so I opened it and opened her discord app where she has been doing all of her chats/etc. This is where I found proof that she has been messaging this guy since the middle of last year and it was sexual in nature over the phone. There was a lot of photos of him on the phone, none of her sent that I could see. But I was able to read messages where she was badmouthing me, talking about how she was going to blow her marriage up and so on. And plenty of messages talking about how she couldn't wait to get to meet him in person. The most hurtful messages I found were where she was discussing how she was going to wear a ring she bought him (it was delivered the week before, I thought she bought it herself) on her ring finger to cover the dents from her wedding rings (which she wasn't going to wear) and messages on Christmas night where she was giving out to him like mad that I was forcing her to watch a movie together after our son went to bed.

As soon as I read the messages I felt like an absolute idiot who should have seen this coming, but I've always trusted her implacably on this front. I kept checking her messages while she was away, and could see that for the 4 days she was gone no messages were sent between them, they only started messaging when she was on way back home. She asked him to take and send photos of landmarks around the place so she had something to show people at home, and asked him to clean the room. She also made a comment about the pill she took and how it'll affect her period (assuming this is morning after pill) and joked that she might have a surprise for him in 5 weeks.

I didn't know what to do when I saw all of these, and I need to get my head straight. Before she got back I saw messages about this guy's birthday in early May and the day after she came back she booked a trip back again. She said that his family really wanted her to stay and it was cheap to go, so I just said okay. I'm all a bit numb at the moment. I am fully aware at this moment that my marriage is over, it's just a matter of ripping that band-aid. I have reached out to a couple of counsellors but with the Easter holidays (I guess) I won't get to speak to somebody for another 2 weeks. My primary concern is my son. I am his primary caregiver, I get him up in the morning, I dress him, I wash him, I feed him, I take him to school, I take him out for activities/etc. My wife does put him to sleep, and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times she has stepped up and minded him if he's been up at night or looked to go for spins at 4am/etc.

My current plan is to let her go away again and confront her when she gets back. At least she'll have had her fun a second time. I don't want to rescue the relationship, but I do want to make sure that I have a plan in place. As the man, I am very aware of the way that custody issues can go. The complication with my son is that he struggles to sleep at the best of time and we have not successfully had him go to sleep anywhere else apart from our house for years. We rent, but it's next to her parent's house which helps a little but also makes things awkward. My thinking is that I would tell her that I will stay at home with our son most of the time, and then for a couple of nights I could stay with my parents and she can stay with our son. It will be easier on our son if we keep him in 1 spot instead of dragging him from pillar to post.

I don't really know what I want from this thread, but felt I needed to put some words down. I am thinking of going to a solicitor just to see where I stand, but is that very pre-emptive of me? I would like to think that my wife would be rational about this, but I can also see her lashing out and blaming me for forcing her into an affair and telling me that I can't take her kid from her (even though I know full well she will not be able to manage him on her own for more than a night or two in a row). Any advice or comments/etc would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

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Goodigal

You sound like a dedicated dad, and I totally understand how torn up you are to discover this fling. It's cruel. But as others have said, you're going to need a lot of support and strength to get through the next months. I can't believe you would let her go off again to have her fun. That would eat me up inside, but I guess you know your marriage is over so it's not going to bother you as much.

You don't have a property so you're not going to get into the splitting of proceeds etc, but finding somewhere your son is comfortable with is the priority. She has a role to play here too, so when you're ready to have the big conversation with her, keep reinforcing that he is your number one, and coming up with a care plan and shared custody will take time. Esp when feelings will be running high. She will be disappointed her excitement is over, and you're going to be juggling so many feelings too.

I also think she might have wanted you to find something out on her phone, but unlikely she would have booked another trip so soon (and so brazenly!) if she thought you knew.

Definitely don't have any sexual interactions with her in the interim, as it sounds like she had unprotected sex with him

Good luck with it. Talk to family and friends when you feel ready - even saying it out loud to one person will help you. Speak with a solicitor to line up your options. But don't always think court is the final destination. A counsellor is not going to tell you what to do, so maybe save that until you've had the conversation with your wife, when you will need someone neutral to listen.

You'll get through it but it takes so much time and courage to come out the other side. Keep moving forward is all you can do. And keep being the best dad for your son.

mykrodot

Very sorry to hear your story OP. Its really tough. Raising a child with special needs is a huge burden on a relationship and its for life. Maybe the realization is too much for some couples and this fling is a form of escape for her, she may be cracking up at the thought of the future.

That said I have no sympathy for her as you sound like such a good and decent Dad. I won't offer any advice except keep calm and measured, the way you are now. Don't beat yourself up about not liking confrontation, a lot of us don't and have still got through life and breakups and survived.

I think you will eventually be far happier on your own, when the marriage is over, when your son is ok and he will be ok (as long as you can keep some routine and normality). I truly hope you find happiness and support again. You deserve it.

thegetawaycar

Awful to read that OP.

Echoing others here but make sure you get the professional help needed both for mental health support and for professional advice (solicitors etc...).

I'd advise that you inform her your intentions before she heads off on her jolly, preferably that morning/the night before and tell her you'll put the wheels of separation in motion while she's away. Use that time to let your family and her parents (if they help with the kid in any way) know that separation is in progress and if they push on it tell them why.

Being able to deal with the inevitable dirty work will be easier without her around (you mention you don't like confrontation and she would control situations)

best of luck with whatever you do, it's an awful situation and it speaks a lot about you that you as a father are putting the kids needs first at such a testing time.

Terrontress

It's interesting,

I faced a similar situation in 2016. 2 children, one with additional needs, wife became withdrawn, allowed me to take the burden of looking after the kids, making the dinners, getting the kids up in the morning etc. She had everything planned where she would get up for work at a time when she knew I had everything done.

Then I found out about the affair with her boss.

Anyway, I came on here and poured my heart out in a RI post. So many people on here told me that the marriage was over, trust could never be restored, advised me to think about myself first and foremost.

I told myself that I could take the betrayal and hurt on the chin, be the big man, the family unit is best for the kids and that my humiliation is a small price to pay for our kids to grow up in a normal home.

I allowed myself to be abused and taken advantage of for several years. I still did all the childcare, paid all the bills, while she carried on with the boss and I pleaded with her to get things back on track.

The marriage broke up, we are now divorced, I have the kids 50% of the time, she has the other 50% of the time.

I really wish I had listened to the people on here and not let myself be used for so long.

Best of luck to you OP. Stand up tall and take the initiative.

dartboardio

She has mentally checked out of your marriage. Take it from someone who has been in her shoes (being the cheater, badmouthing my long term boyfriend and despising him etc)

Don't for a minute think she will change. I am guilty of being the cheater, time and time again because my boyfriend loved me alot and kept accepting it1. I am not proud of that.

Don't let her do the same to you, walking all over you and treating you as this disposable person that can easily be replaced.

Respect yourself, your son and walk away.

dartboardio

.If she was so good at hiding the apps/messages/notifications turned off, its probably not her first rodeo,. that sort of hiding comes with experience / preparation.

CrookedJack

>>snipped to remove quoting of and replying to deleted post<<

OP. You're in a difficult, heartbreaking situation but from what I can see you're doing everything right. You're not being rash, You're seeking professional help, and you're not lashing out for punishment or revenge. And hopefully, you ignore the grim, misogynistic advice (see above) that will inevitably come your way.

This will be tough but you're going at it the right way, be strong.

PI_R_Anon_12345

To the posters so far, thank you. I've managed to book an appointment with a solicitor and with a counsellor for the week after next (Easter holidays made it impossible to get sooner).

For those who have given advice around the initial impact/etc, thanks. That's what I'm looking for here. I'm not looking for advice on why this happened or what to do to avoid it on future, I'm not in a position to even think about that until the practical elements and the care of my son are sorted.

Oh and for those wondering about letting her go away again. I'm using this as a deadline for myself. If I was to stop her from traveling I'll need to get into things sooner than I think I'm ready for. I am not yet in a frame of mind where I can rationally discuss this with her. I don't want to lash out or lose the head or equally clam up and not have anything to say. Maybe when I talk to the solicitor and counsellor they'll change my mind and I'll speed things up, but we'll see. From my own mental health point of view, I am fine in waiting another little bit before exploding everything (I know she's actually the one who has ruined things, but it'll still be me that acts on it.).

Any other bits of advice or experience or anything else is greatly appreciated.

Hannibal_Smith

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Offending post and replies to it deleted.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120449063#Comment_120449063

Nothing more to add but I would like to offer my highest praise to you as a man/husband/dad.

Someday you will meet someone special who won't abuse that.

Good luck to you.

ManOfMystery

What an awful situation for you.

I can only reiterate what previous posters have said - do everything by the book, see a solicitor, don't let tempers get flared, etc. Once you confront her, after that point if possible try and keep all formal communication by text or email just so you have a copy of it should any legal issues arise. Courts by and large will take a positive view of stability, civility and so on so if you can make sure your behaviour is impeccable going forward, it will stand you in good stead even though there may times you just feel (justifiably!) like letting it all out.

Just to add, I think her behaviour has been abominably selfish. I have all the time in the world for those who suffer from PND and mental health issues (my own wife went through it for a time) but it can't go on indefinitely - there comes a time, especially when you have a family, that you owe it to them to address it and move forward. It sounds like she's done very little to improve things despite a massive amount of logistical and emotional support from you, and then to cap it off, she engages in an affair - all signs to me at this stage that she's only interested in her own needs.

Squatman

Best of luck op, tough situation to be in, but commendable that you can leave emotion out of it and react rationally.well done

Big Bag of Chips

I'd consider telling her parents before you tell her to give them a small heads up before it blows up, perhaps do it while she's away in May.

I'm sure this is not in your plan OP, but please don't do this! The first thing they will do is contact her. They will also more than likely side with/support her, because they're her family. For now you need to just to look after what's best for you and your child. Don't be worried about getting others on side or trying to involve others. She will tell her family when the time comes. That is not your responsibility.

I hope you have at least 1 good person you trust. Someone you can confide in. Someone who won't rush in all guns blazing but who will be there to listen, to let you vent, to advise.

This is a terrible time for you. But you will come through it. I'm very impressed at your composure to hold it together for the next few weeks. As time goes on you might find yourself less able to hold it in and wait. That's fine too. You'll figure it out and do what you need to do.

PI_R_Anon_12345

I must say its been hard this weekend to say nothing. The anger flares up inside me, but I don't know how to handle it or what to say or do, so I hold my tongue fir now.

The easter holidays make. My son is off school so that makes the day longer (one thing I didn't mention is that I'm currently out of work, my last job - the only one I had for the length of my relationship with wife - ended in December), and she's at home too which emphasises her not caring (or at least my perception is that way).

I have a job interview next week, so looking towards that, and then I meet with solicitor Monday well and a counsellor Wednesday week. It's going to be a long week and a half...

gary550

That's the first time I've read an OP and genuinely felt a pit in my stomach.

You don't deserve that and neither does your child, it is an incredibly selfish thing your wife has done. The messaging behind your back about you is very hurtful I'd imagine.

I've no advice other than do it properly, go get legal advice and take it from there.

I wouldn't wait till she goes again if it was me, I'd look to get it out in the open asap if for nothing but the sake of your own mental health. It's probably the only thing you have control of here too, she's inevitably looking froward to going again - I'd take that from her.

I'd also say don't be swayed by the emotional plees when it is in the open, inevitably from my own slim experience with similar situations the blame is going to be lobbed on you about how you aren't doing this or aren't doing that and how that drove her to it. Don't be swayed by it. Remain a rock, try your best to show indifference.

I hope the wind is on your back with whatever happens after this, you seem to have the priorities of your child at the fore which is very admirable.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120456301#Comment_120456301

Day by day, my friend.

screamer

You sound like a very devoted and loving father, fair play to you on that front. I dunno, cheating is something I know I could never forgive, and depression etc is no excuse. Your wife sounds utterly useless, and I don’t mean to be harsh at all, but you’ve shouldered more than your fair share and it seems she just copped out and went off to find a new boyfriend. Consult a solicitor, decide how you want to proceed, make a plan for your son and his care and for yourself of course as I’m sure your wife will be quite happy to let you continue being his primary carer. How she reacts or behaves is not your problem, you did nothing wrong to look at her phone, her behaviour gave you cause to check it. mind yourself, set things up for yourself in a right way and move on. Good luck to you, you deserve better and someone who will really love you.

cj maxx

As @[Deleted User] advised, get your ducks in a row. There is no such thing as an amicable divorce ( imo ) . You have to be on a war footing . I know !

While Ireland may have ’No Fault ‘ divorce , judges will take all of this into consideration.

Get all the incriminating evidence to can and meet with specialist divorce lawyers before you speak to your wife .

spaceHopper

Good Luck with everything. If I was you I'd open the app and use my own phone to take photos of the messages. Talk to a solicitor, let her travel. While she's in the the air. I'd send her a message so that she gets it when she lands. Tell her you know what's going on and when she gets back can she stay in her parents house. You can both explain to your son what's going to happen next. Tell her she will have to start doing her fair share and more for your son from now on, you won't be carrying her load. Block her number safe in the knowledge that you've ruined her weekend and she'll be dreading coming home. You might as well let her parents know too.

If you have savings move at least half of them to an account you control.

PI_R_Anon_12345

This has been a really hard week. My son is off school so his routine is all over the shop, so that's not helped. There's been a few minor issues that have made me want to explore at my wife, but I can't until I speak with people, I want to do this right. Next week cannot come soon enough.

The other issue for me is that I'm currently job hunting, and had an interview today. If successful i wouldn't be able to drop my son to school any longer (is needed to be at work) so that is stressing me now too, it's she going to use that as a means to get her hands on my sons care?

My wife left her old phone at home today(by mistake, fell out of her bag) so I had a look. The chat app she uses had been deleted, so she's covering her tracks now. I don't think she suspects I know anything, but maybe she does. I don't know.

This week needs to get in the toilet really

YellowLead

Really sorry to hear you’re feeling stressed, remember one day at a time of you can.

Regarding your employment - if it’s a job that can be done from home a few days per week you might still be in a position to do that - I know quite a few people who would just do that and start a little late but then work extra time etc.

Doesn't matter if she’s covering her tracks now, you saw what you saw and you won’t need to prove it to anybody.

You’re going to have a lot of tough days in the near future until all this is worked out - I hope you have some friends and/or family to rely on.

Hooked

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120471280#Comment_120471280

Hi OP

Crap situation - handled impeccably by you...

Let me be blunt on a few things. When this cheating and this other man become a real life "everyone knows" situation - it won't hold a fraction of the fun and excitement that it currently does for them. When reality hits - and this affair is known - do you think this other man is going to want all of the graft and hard work that your current situation with you, your marriage and your son demands? Will he fook.

As far as I can tell - you didn't keep any evidence? But only we know that. Your wife doesn't. So... if it were me - when the sh^tt hits the fan, tell her calmly that you have all of the screenshots saved... which will soften her cough. You can quote certain things to her - and the date she deleted the app, etc. Last thing she'll want is her dirty secret becoming a reality outside of her little bubble.

But do not put ANYTHING in an email or a text! And be careful that you're not being recorded once u do confront her. You're the good guy here. The caring father... and you will want it to always look that way when solicitors and legal crap starts to happen.

If I was a betting man - this affair won't materilaise into anything once it's all in the open. Your sons situation won't make it appealing to either of them. And you sure as shite shouldn't be worried about her "getting her hands on your sons care". You do all the heavy lifting as it is!!! Do you really think that she, with her new man, will want to do more than she currently does? Pffft. She will in her hole!

Stand tall. Work on your self esteem, your son - and find happiness.

And for the love of Christ - don't take her back when this other lad runs a mile from real life responsibilities!!!

[Deleted User]

Discord works in the browser as well. You don't need to use the app.

Senature

Hi op, try your best to stay as calm as possible, seems like you have been doing great so far.

If it helps, I don't know why people are suggesting you need to gather evidence. I feel like this would just add to your stress. You know what you know, even if your wife never admits it. I presume you are in Ireland, there is 'no fault' divorce, you don't need to prove anything happened. You know, and she knows.

I would echo the sentiments to ensure you are in sole control of half of your joint funds in bank accounts etc. Maybe open an account of your own if you don't already have one.

All the best

screamer

Joint account- move your money asap. Family member of mine had the accounts cleared out by his cheating wife and he had no leg to stand on. If you’ve joint credit cards, as in if she has a card off your account, call the bank and cancel it. If she has authorisation on any accounts or utility bills that are in your name call them up and revoke that also. If you have a car that is yours but has her name on the registration book, move that to your name too, again my family member had this and the ex wife basically took off with the car he paid for and that was fine by the judge as she was the registered owner! Consult a solicitor asap OP don’t waste time, make sure you’ve covered as many bases as you can, and move on. BTW, I think you’ve enough stress at the moment, I’d knock the interviewing on the head and stick to the place that offers you flexibility until you have this sorted out. stay strong,

[Deleted User]

You're doing very well, it's tough to do what you're doing, but it's a clever approach. When you talk to the solicitor and the counsellor I'm sure you'll start to see a path forward. You have really been used and abused by that woman and getting out of the relationship will be good for you. It probably will be a rough time for you and your son until things are more settled, but you'll get there in a few months. And then the future will be way brighter than it has been for the duration of your relationship with your wife.

It really sounds like you've been very decent, and she's treated your kindness as a sort of weakness to be exploited. She more than deserves the shock that's coming.

Neyite

I know she's actually the one who has ruined things, but it'll still be me that acts on it.

Very often, the cheated spouse who refuses to tolerate the cheating gets accused of breaking up the marriage or the family. And that accusation carries a lot of guilt for "causing" the upheaval for the children, or financially or geographically when you are already reeling from the personal loss of trust and love.

No.

It was broken the moment she crossed the line you just didn't know it had broken until a while afterwards.

Imagine a scene from one of those movies set on a train where the junction shifts and the train goes in the different direction but it's a while before anyone notices they are heading towards the broken bridge. She moved that junction. Just because you are trying now to steer the train towards a soft landing with minimal damage to everyone, doesn't mean you are responsible for the crash.

So let that be your mantra or inner image if anyone tries to imply you are breaking up anything.

maggiemae

OP, I really feel for you. When she comes back from her trip I'd suggest joint counselling. If your wife is a Clerical Officer she will likely have an Employee Assistance Programme which should give you 6 sessions of marriage counselling. I used this facility myself when deciding to separate from my cheating spouse and found it helpful dealing with the emotional side and processing the level of deception that I had been living in. I felt secure in my decision to leave after that and it helped when the extended families found out to be able to say we came to a joint decision with a professional in the room! I feel it may be beneficial should things turn nasty with her and there is talk of protection orders etc.

Ask at your solicitors appointment what is the best decision is regarding taking up employment again and follow their advice including if she wishes to purchase a family home for her child with you the primary carer.

Do not mention to your wife that you have taken solicitors advice when you both acknowledge that this marriage is now over. The next step would be to attend family mediation where hopefully you can both come up with a mediated agreement in relation to the care of your child, assets division etc.

Do not worry about proving adultery in court or whether looking at her phone will reflect badly on you, Ireland has a no fault divorce system so it is irrelevant. Your wife my whinge about her impinged privacy but it's inconsequential.

It's such a long process but getting rid of those who betray you in the long run is worth the effort

PI_R_Anon_12345

Another crappy weekend coming to an end. I've resolved that I'll say something to my wife before the end of the week, so it's (hopefully) my last weekend of feeling like I do.

I'm meeting with a solicitor tomorrow for the first time. I know they're an expert and should cover everything, but if anyone has any suggestions of areas I should be focusing on or should ask about, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks again all.

Goodigal

My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the weight you're feeling.

I didn't speak with a solicitor for a long time after my husband left. He wasn't looking for shared parenting so it wasn't up for discussion. And as others have said, regardless of circumstances, courts do not care who caused the end of the marriage. And legal separation or divorce is years away for you right now.

For now, establish what you want to happen next, with your son's routine to the forefront. And work out financially how you're going to navigate the next few weeks, nevermind years. Take care of yourself OP.