We couldn’t decide whether to have my Gran buried or cremated.
so in the end we let her live.
Just finished reading a book about swimming the English channel.
By Francis Neer
I got my girlfriend a valentines pressie to die for - a Hot Air Balloon trip across the States
I knew a guy in Australia named Wayne Bruce.
His friends called him Manbat
The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
That sh1t was bananas!!
Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey. Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed.
A priest, imam and rabbit walked into a bar.
"Hello," said the bartender, "this is a bit unusual, where's Rabbi Goldstein today?"
"Spell check, that's all I can say," said the rabbit.
"C-Z-E-C-H" said the bartender. "What do I win?"
What's the first sign of Madness?
Suggs walking up your driveway.
What happened to the woman who invested poorly?
A stock broke her.
What moisturiser do Spanish bullfighters use?
Olay!!!!
Top Tip : Avoid vegans at swingers parties by not picking the electric car key fobs out of the bowl.
What goes quick?
A duck from New Zealand.
I’m being moved to a different department at the prosthetics factory.
It’s so annoying. I'm up in arms.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
My wife asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public, I said maybe...
police are looking for a man who refuses to update his pdf reader.
he is described as 32, medium build and has no fixed adobe
I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean, now.
I'm not addicted to brake fluid.
I can stop any time.
I got into toruble for building sandcastles with grandad when I was a kid - they don't like you doing that at the crematorium...
Donegal county council have announced details of a pilot badger cull. There are too many badgers flying airplanes.
TEACHER: What's wrong Musa, why are you crying?
MUSA: Our house is very small.
MUSA: My mum, my dad, and I, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa are you sleeping?' Then I say NO, so he becomes angry and punishes me.".
Teacher: All right! Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. Don't answer!
The following morning Musa comes back with a sad face again.
Teacher: My goodness, why the sad face again?
Musa: Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time. Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, are you coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?
Dad answered: Yes.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too!!
Reminds me of a book about the Cliffs of Moher by Eileen Dover
Walk to Work - Miss Debus.
How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!
Rusty Bedsprings - I P Knightly
Wet walls - I P Skew
There's another book co-written by Eileen Dover
Clifftop Tragedies - Eileen and Ben Dover
What did the octogenarian pirate say?
"I'm eighty!"
I watched a street performer contort his whole body into a small suitcase and asked him if he could teach me how to do it.
He's going to try to squeeze me in next Saturday.
A fella asks a prostitute how much for business?
She charges €150
Yer man says I've no money but all I've got is two All Ireland medals, so she agrees.
A few nights later she's approached and asked How much? Again she says €150
He says That's a bit steep, are you worth it?
I'm the best, sure I've two All Ireland medals to show for it
t was so cold yesterday that my computer froze.
I suppose it's my own fault though. I left too many windows open.
I got my wife a job as a human cannon ball. She went ballistic.
